Category Archives: inspiration

The Innocence Of Anxiety

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So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

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I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

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Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

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And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

I Lost A Friend The Other Day (He Didn’t Die…We’re Just Not Friends Anymore…Sorry For Coming Off So Dramatic)

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So yeah, I lost a friend the other day.  It really sucks.  Basically I made a really good friend in New Zealand.   He was there for me a lot, and the times that he wasn’t, I can’t blame him.   When I hit a depressive streak I become insanely reclusive.

Before I left New Zealand, I traveled with him throughout Southeast Asia and it was one of the greatest times of my life.  Those are some memories I will never ever forget.

Sadly though, like all great heroes in Greek storylines, he had a tragic flaw:

 He was eternally stuck as a selfish little boy deep down.  

Now throughout our friendship I would see this from time to time.  For example, while on the trip in Asia at one point her literally said something like, “Ugh…Bali is so boring. I was literally just here 2 months ago with my other friend”.

YES PEOPLE, LET THAT SINK IN:

BALI IS BORING BECAUSE I WAS JUST HERE 2 MONTHS AGO…Seriously?  

 

For those of you who don’t know, this is Bali:

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But apparently going here too much is just such a burden for certain people.

 

 

Anyways, I let a lot of what he said slide by because, as I have openly stated in my blog many times, I’m not perfect.  Far from it actually.   I Have fucked up so much in my past.  I have failed over and over again.   So who am I to judge I would tell myself?

 

Anyways, he really liked me.   He always wanted to be my boyfriend.   And for a while I thought maybe I wanted to be his boyfriend too.  He can be such a kind person when he wants to be.  Like when I would get sick he would order food for me.  It was always great to just have some delivery man come to my door with dinner because having the flu sucks.  And Having flu when you’re stressed and depressed is fucking horrible.   

But as time went on, his immaturity and ungrateful nature became a massive turn-off for me.  I, being someone who has really always had to fight for everything on my own, and never had people there for me, just couldn’t grasp how someone like him, someone talented, with friends, and who has a good job could still be so ungrateful.

 

Then, a few months ago a new low was hit.  I remember talking to him while I was really down.  Worried about my future, regretful of my past, and completely alone in New Zealand while he was back home in Malaysia

 

He said something like, “You know I’m really depressed too…”

 

And I was like, “Dude, stop being depressed.  You have a friends.  Friends that you’ve had for a long time.  I’d kill for that in my life.  You also have a good job that pays well that you’re good at.   You literally have talent.  Talent so good that people pay you to do what you do!  And your job allows you travel whenever and wherever you want!  If I had the resources of your life I’d use them to their full advantage! ”

And he literally responded with:

“Yeah but I want you.  And if I can’t have you then nothing else in my life matters”

 

YES.   What a douche, I know.

 

And I was like,  “….I’m sorry but do you understand how hard it is for me to hear you say that?  I’m someone who has ALWAYS struggled to make and keep friends.   You know how much it hurts for me to be alone.  And yet you’re going to compare the fact that you can’t have me to the fact that I’m always on my own?”

 

I was literally disgusted.  So I told him I would would never ever be able to love him or be in a relationship with him and that in that moment I genuinely hated him.

 

However, in the last few months (After not talking for a few months) we have been stable friends.  Texting and showing each other support for each other.  In fact he told me he had a boyfriend back in Malaysia and I was so happy for him!  I was glad he had someone since it’s what he always wanted.

But then a few weeks ago he was like, “I don’t even like my boyfriend, I still want you.  And one day I’ll have you”.

CREEPER ALERT PEOPLE, CREEPER ALERT!  We Have a Creeper On The Prowl

And I said,”You can’t do that to him.  It’s wrong, and you’re hurting him”.

 

And he responded with, “I don’t even care if I hurt him.  You’ll be mine someday”. 

Ok so,

1.)  Thank God he doesn’t know where I live.  Cuz….WTF

2.)  Again, as someone who has been bullied a lot and who doesn’t have people there for me, I’m very much against hurting people.  Something a friend should have known about me.

3.) WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?  Who willingly hurts and leads people on?

 

So anyways, friendship over.  Ive blocked him in all forms of communication and I’m done.

 

So what now?  Where do I go from here?  What does this say about me? And about the types of people I hang around?

Personally, I think I need to focus on the future and on the positives.   Like,

 

 

 

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IM BACK IN SCHOOL!  Im doing a Masters Program and have gotten involved on campus and have joined clubs and are making some friends.  Some that are very successful and that I think are insanely smart. 

 

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Im writing!  I’m actually going for my dreams.  I’m determined to make something of my life, and tonight I’m going to a writing group on campus, so again, more chances to make friends! 

 

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Its March!  Which means Spring and Summer are on the way!   So I can get out and explore, and hopefully meet some cool people!!!!

 

 

So that’s what I’m doing.  Do any of you guys have any advice on what to do when you hit some roadblocks in life?  And if not, hopefully I gave some ideas for you guys as to what to do when you hit a roadblock.  I guess the main, is keep your eye towards the future.  Look at where you want life to go, not where it’s been.

 

 

Thanks for reading,

~ The Dark Horse

PS….this was soooooo not proof read.   sowwyz!

 

 

Working Hard Is Hard With Depression And Anxiety

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So, I’ve recently started writing a book!   It’s crazy exciting and I’m loving writing it.  But there is still the depression and anxiety looming over me.  It’s something that doesn’t just go away overnight.

 

I’m still getting all those fun thoughts like, “But what if this book isn’t good?”, “What if I have no talent?”, and “Maybe I’ll never amount to anything”.

Does anyone get similar thoughts sometimes?

 

Yeah,  depression and anxiety are a bitch.   But you know what, they won’t just go away.  They are tricky little fuckers to get rid of.  But with patience, practice, and perseverance we can overcome these obstacles.

Now granted, I can’t speak for everyone.  But for me, I know I have gotten better over the years, and the reason why is because I have worked really hard.   And yes, I have days when I think the world is horrible and I don’t want to get out of bed. I have days when I feel everyone is out to get me. I have days when I’m convinced I’m destined to do nothing but fail until the day I die. But at the same time i realize that in life we don’t have many choices.

I mean think about it.  You can either: kill yourself, live a miserable and depressed life until you die, or fight fight fight to make things better.

Pop Culture Icons Struggling to Survive

 

And options 1 and 2 ARE NOT THE ONES YOU WANT TO CHOOSE.

So, here is what I’m doing right now.   I’m continuing to write my book.  It is my book.  I love writing it, and I’m having a blast creating a story and the characters.  So even if it never gets published, or if i’m told it’s complete shit, I will always have the good memories of making the story.

I’m sending the book out to people.  Reaching out to people is important when writing.  T get good feedback and ideas.  PLUS, when it comes to depression and anxiety it’s always good to make sure not to isolate yourself!  So, I’m having a professor read it, my therapist is reading it, and I’ve contacting some of my favorite authors and asked them to read it too!

I’m considering it a hobby as well as a dream.  So yes, this book may never be published. It could suck.  It could be complete shit, but you know what, at least I spent this time doing something rather than hiding under my bed crying about how much I just want an asteroid to crush into Earth and kill everyone like I used to…yes. I’m being serious.  With how I was treated growing up, I used to want nothing more than to watch the world die.

 

So let’s review people.  This is my experience, so it won’t mirror yours exactly, but I feel with depression and anxiety we all have relatable experiences.

 

 

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1.)  Remember to keep doing things you you love,  even if it’s for nothing more than the fact that it is fun.

 

 

 

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2.)  Remember, to keep getting out in the world…even if it doesn’t always go well, and trust me from experience, it WONT always go well.  But it’s still worth it!  Let’s all make some friends!

 

 

 

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3.)  Remember to chill out.  Things won’t always work out.  But as long as you enjoyed the ride, the destination doesn’t matter so much.

 

 

~ Let’s live our lives people!

 

The Dark Horse

Agoraphobic No More!

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So the picture above is part of campus.   It’s this in-between space.  What you’re looking at in the background is the sciences and laws school campuses and if you were to look left from where these food trucks and people are you would be looking at Harvard Yard, which is where all the liberal arts are.

So I was in the library all morning yesterday writing and reading and I was like you know what it’s beautiful out right now.  I’m going to get a tea and walk around for a bit.  So I go for a walk.  I walk past the Law School (which has some beautiful buildings), and my favorites are the zoology and biology buildings because they have big statues of animals and there are even animals engraved into the walls.  Its really cool!

So, anyways, then I get back to this open part and I sit there and look and am like, you know what, this is actually a really nice spot.   I was thinking about how when my parents come to visit in the summer maybe I’ll walk em around campus and we can get some food from the food trucks and stuff.

And then suddenly memories from Australia came rushing back into my head.   Memories about walking outside of my apartment in the city and having this feeling rush over me.

This intense fear that I WAS GOING TO INSTANTLY DIE. 

Can I get a “what what” from all the homies out there with agoraphobia?  You know the feeling im talking about!   That dizzy feeling.  Your breathing becomes really hard.  Your brain suddenly feels like its expanding and will quickly burst out of your skull.   Suddenly your legs are shaking.   You are now convinced this is it:  You are for some unknown reason about to die.  Maybe an undiagnosed illness?  Maybe your food was poisoned?  Maybe a heart-attack?  You could say maybe forever but it doesn’t matter.  Death is death, and the fact is, you’re going to die.

So you run and hide.  Normally, back into your house….and then suddenly it all seems to slowly go away.  And you feel fine.   Your home is your safe space.  The place where you can feel ok…. but really what its become is your tomb.   Your life is now gone.  Because you’re never able to be yourself in the real world.   You’ve confined yourself into a life that is un-lived.

So here is another picture of campus I took yesterday.  A picture of Harvard Yard:

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Also, PS- I didn’t take these pictures for my own pleasure, I took them for this blog post. So please don’t think Im an awful photographer based on these haha!  They’re purpose is just to show the campus.

Ugh, but look at me ramble on, ANYHOO, back to the story:

So you can see above, more open spaces with people in them.  Again, for any of you out there with agoraphobia I know how scary these look.  Trust me, I was there once.

SO WHAT DID I DO?

~ Well for starters I got myself back into therapy.  I will never forget the end of my first therapy session in Australia.  I sat there and said to my therapist, “So what am i supposed to do until next session?”.  And she kind of gave me this look of like…what do you mean?  And I was like… “Well do you have any advice as to how I’m supposed to walk home…without like…passing out and collapsing?”

Oh man, I was a handful.

~  Also, the suicide hotline and lifeline.  CALL THEM.  And no, don’t roll your eyes or give me that look or I’ll smack the shit out of you.  CALL THEM.   Trust me, I did….I used to all the time.  Seriously!    Call them and just be honest.  Be like, “Look i’m not suicidal, but I’m overcome with this feeling that I’m going to die whenever I walk outside.  Please be on the phone with me, and just be there”.  The first few times I was even like, look here’s where I am.  I either have agoraphobia, or have an undiagnosed illness that will kill me.  Im going to start walking around…if i stop talking and you think i’m dead, call the cops.

Here are a list of all Lifeline numbers:

Lifeline List

If the link doesn’t open, just google lifeline.  The number for your country will come up.

~ Also, time.  It takes time!   Trust me, the first few times you walk outside its really scary!  But after 100 times you’re like… well I haven’t died yet so maybe this is all in my head.

~But most importantly..and I mean this...

THE

MOST

IMPORTANT

THING

TO

KNOW

IS

THAT

YOU

ARE

SO

BRAVE.

YES! It takes bravery.  Sure, you can have a therapist, and you can call lifeline.  And everyone can tell you its all in your head.  But to us, its so real.   The feeling of blood-curdling fear is there.  And people who don’t have agoraphobia do not understand what that fear is like.  So for you to go outside.  For you to face the idea of dying straight in the face.   For you to face your panic….it will take bravery.   And never ever forget how strong you are when you’re able to go out there and rock shit out!

 

Ok so to sum it all up, lets use some Starship Troopers Gifs:

 

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So, yes.  Sometimes mental illness can seem like a giant scary alien insect that will surely kill you.

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But you know what, with some hard work and determination, even taking down a giant alien space bug is possible.

 

 

 

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Lookin’ good soldier.

 

 

Alright guys, keep up the good work!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

Life Really Can Get Better. You Just Need To Try (God, It Sounds Cliche, But It Works)

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So, this is super annoying, but my life is quickly getting better.  Like, so quickly it’s actually making me mad.  I’m mad that I sat in a shell for so long.  That I feared life.  That I doubted myself.  That I didn’t take risks and go out a limb simply because I believed others when they said I was worth nothing.

 

So for anyone who is reading this blog for the first time, I just started taking classes at Harvard last month.  Im brand new to Boston.  And yet in this one month I have started classes, Ive started writing a novel, and I just got offered a job to write the social media for a company here…. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?  

WHAT

THE 

FUCK?

 

Why Didn’t I decide to start writing a novel sooner?  Ive been blogging for like 3 years.  It isn’t like I haven’t had the desire to write.   In fact I’ve had story ideas just sitting in my mind for years.  What have I been doing?

 

Is it possible that things can go well?  That maybe the world is colorful? 

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That maybe the bad guys don’t win at the end?  

I’m still just so fucking annoyed that I sat and believed for so long that nothing good could ever happen to me.  I believed with ALL OF MY HEART that I wasn’t worth anything.  That I failed because I deserved to fail.   That I was just better off dead.   That was the only reason I could think of as to why people kept telling me I was worth nothing.

But you know what, maybe there are other reasons?

~ Maybe because I decided to be myself and not follow the norm, the road wasn’t paved with signs telling me where to go… well the road wasn’t even paved.   Thats just part of being different.

~ Maybe people felt jealous or threatened that I wanted more for my life than a boring 9-5 where I had to drink my weekends away just to cope.

~ Maybe all those failures kept showing me what paths not to go down.  Maybe they were learning experiences?  Maybe thats just life process of anyone who follows the beat of their own drum?

So what can I say to you people who are reading this? 

Well for starters. Don’t give up.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.

Don’t listen to the people who put you down.  This world is full of hateful people.  They have their issues and reasons as to why they’re such assholes, and none of them should matter to you.  let them go rot in their own filth.  Don’t become one of them.

Remember that you’re talented and smart and can do anything.  Any of us who go trough the day with depression, anxiety, or any other mental problems are so strong.   We have to deal with the shit the common man can’t even comprehend. So remember, if you have the strength to get out of bed, you have the strength to change the world.

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This world can be bright and colorful.  Just like the picture above.  We just need to remember to rock shit out, and never take no for an answer.

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Life is short, don’t waste anymore of it.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

The Trump Administration (Or, Another Day, Another Protest)

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Oh Trump, when will you learn: America hates you.  

So for the second time in a week we had to take to the streets because our country is being led by a completely insane childlike Cheeto golem.

However, like the Women’s March, I’ll say this day made me quite happy.   The Women’s March was awesome and a complete success, but what made today so awesome was that this literally happened overnight.

Yesterday word went out to have protests and in fact last night there protests inside airports all over the country!   And you thought Christmas was a crazy time to travel…

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People could have stayed home today.   They could have been exhausted from the Women’s March, or the inauguration protests, and some people marched in both!  We could have had protest fatigue, but no.    People, once again, came together for what’s right and what’s good.   And I’m sure next week when Trump signs a law to…. oh who the fuck knows, he’ll probably want to kill all kittens because they get more attention than him or something…. but we will all be there to march again.

 

Trump is always talking about patriotism, and well, here it is.    We as Americans are standing up and fighting.   We are not willing to let 4 years slowly turn this country backwards until we have a chance to make it livable again.   We are fighting NOW.

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Dear Donald.   You’re a joke.  Goodnight.

 

~ The Dark Horse