Category Archives: meditation

Life Really Can Get Better. You Just Need To Try (God, It Sounds Cliche, But It Works)

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So, this is super annoying, but my life is quickly getting better.  Like, so quickly it’s actually making me mad.  I’m mad that I sat in a shell for so long.  That I feared life.  That I doubted myself.  That I didn’t take risks and go out a limb simply because I believed others when they said I was worth nothing.

 

So for anyone who is reading this blog for the first time, I just started taking classes at Harvard last month.  Im brand new to Boston.  And yet in this one month I have started classes, Ive started writing a novel, and I just got offered a job to write the social media for a company here…. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?  

WHAT

THE 

FUCK?

 

Why Didn’t I decide to start writing a novel sooner?  Ive been blogging for like 3 years.  It isn’t like I haven’t had the desire to write.   In fact I’ve had story ideas just sitting in my mind for years.  What have I been doing?

 

Is it possible that things can go well?  That maybe the world is colorful? 

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That maybe the bad guys don’t win at the end?  

I’m still just so fucking annoyed that I sat and believed for so long that nothing good could ever happen to me.  I believed with ALL OF MY HEART that I wasn’t worth anything.  That I failed because I deserved to fail.   That I was just better off dead.   That was the only reason I could think of as to why people kept telling me I was worth nothing.

But you know what, maybe there are other reasons?

~ Maybe because I decided to be myself and not follow the norm, the road wasn’t paved with signs telling me where to go… well the road wasn’t even paved.   Thats just part of being different.

~ Maybe people felt jealous or threatened that I wanted more for my life than a boring 9-5 where I had to drink my weekends away just to cope.

~ Maybe all those failures kept showing me what paths not to go down.  Maybe they were learning experiences?  Maybe thats just life process of anyone who follows the beat of their own drum?

So what can I say to you people who are reading this? 

Well for starters. Don’t give up.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.

Don’t listen to the people who put you down.  This world is full of hateful people.  They have their issues and reasons as to why they’re such assholes, and none of them should matter to you.  let them go rot in their own filth.  Don’t become one of them.

Remember that you’re talented and smart and can do anything.  Any of us who go trough the day with depression, anxiety, or any other mental problems are so strong.   We have to deal with the shit the common man can’t even comprehend. So remember, if you have the strength to get out of bed, you have the strength to change the world.

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This world can be bright and colorful.  Just like the picture above.  We just need to remember to rock shit out, and never take no for an answer.

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Life is short, don’t waste anymore of it.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

Travel and INFJ (Or, Just Fucking Do It…Its Good For You!)

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Ah, yes the joys of travel.  Waiting in lines at airports, dining on the strange delicacy that is airline food, currency conversion, language barriers, new sights, unfamiliar cities…

The true joys of life, am I’m right guys????

What scares most people is our lifeblood.   Our calling.  Our passion.   Our true nature as an INFJ.

The point of this post?  Well its to say, if you’re INFJ and aren’t traveling DO IT NOW!  And if you are traveling, well I’m sure you’re reaping the benefits!

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Why is it that were born travelers?

Well, for starters we’re born outcasts.    INFJ’s make up only one percent of the entire population!  With 7.125 billion people in this world, that means theres only 71 million of us!   So if you found every INFJ on the planet and put us all together we would only make up the equivalent to the population of France.

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Bonjour all you INFJ’s out there! 

So we’re natural outcasts.   Which you may think sucks (which, it kind of does) but we’re such strong travelers because we’re not phased by being in a new space, by not knowing anyone, by being in different cultures, or by being surrounded by something different…. because well, thats just our life.    Even in our hometowns were surrounded by a different culture than our own all the time!

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Furthermore, travel is that perfect combination of what INFJ’s are.    As INFJ’s we are the combination of the introvert and the extrovert.  Traveling gives us new challenges to think about, to analyze, to feel, to enjoy.

It is the sweetest mental candy your mind will ever taste!

And then we get the extrovert side of us excited as well.   Traveling is visually stunning, Its a cultural experience, You meet new people, you try new foods….and all of this happens in places you’ve never been before.

Your popular friends can fucking go on and on about how much fun they have as they suck down vodka and snort cocaine in the bathroom of some club, but those bitches will never know what a real high feels like.

We have that privilege.  

The high we feel during the take off of an airplane, or that first step outside of an airport and smelling the air of a new place.   The joy we get from learning the wold is a bigger and more beautiful place than one man could ever tame!

That is a real high.  That is a true high.   So next time, tell your the popular kids to suck a dick and then get your ass on a plane! 

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Finally, we as INFJ’s are highly idealistic.  We look not to make excuses about “thats just how it is”, but instead we love to say “but this is how good it could be if we worked for it!”. And travel proves us right.

For anyone who ever says, “Well thats just how it is” traveling gives you proof that they’re wrong.  Why?  Well because you’ve seen it.

How could you possibly not believe in world peace after seeing dolphins play in the Florida Keys? 

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How could you not believe in tranquility after sitting next to a waterfall in Bali? 

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How could you not believe that community is still a real thing after seeing what a funeral looks like in New Orleans?

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….you can’t.    Which is why travel is amazing.

Alright all you INFJ’s (and hell, this goes for humans in general) GET TRAVELING!   GO FIND YOURSELF, BECAUSE REALLY, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??????

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

Living A Life With Purpose (And Not Letting The Common Man Bring You Down)

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Alright bitches lets talk about rekindling our dying flame.

If you’re anything like me, then you’ve probably stumbled across this blog because its tagged under depression, anxiety, or panic.  Or maybe you’re looking for inspiration because you feel different, or have suffered trauma in you’re life, or perhaps you’re just a good ole’ fashioned outcast who doesn’t fit in.   Well honeybabies lets talk about being better and rising about the clutter of the commoner.

Im sure a lot of you see life a lot differently than other people.   You probably have a worldview thats vastly different from normal people.   And I’m guessing a lot of you have probably experienced a lot of pain that the common man won’t understand.

Is this good or bad?

Is this a blessing or a curse?

Whats the point of seeing the reality of the world if it means you’ve had to achieve this knowledge through years and years of pain?   Well I guess it all depends how you intend on using it.

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For me I’ve kind of been growing into myself lately.  And Ive accepted one thing I’ve always known but have never really admitted until recently:

I Value Power.  Fun Is Pointless Without Having Power

 And I don’t mean that in a crazy Hitler-type way. I mean that I want to have an impact on the world.  I want to add value to it.  Like this blog for example.  I love writing these blog posts! Its one of the highlights of my day!  And these blog posts have value.  I love being able to make people smile.  When I get responses from people thanking me for writing a post and saying I made their day its probably the best feeling ever!

So you see, I have fun doing it, and its something that impacts others.  

The problem is that normal people these days value one thing:

FUN.

Especially people who are in their twenties like me.   They just want to get fucked up on drugs, or fucked up on alcohol, or get fucked by a hot person, and then snapchat and instagram the entire night because they also love the sweet sweet drag of a social media-induced high.

Anyone else feel like me and find that lifestyle to be the most depressing miserable existence possible?

Well here’s what we need to do:

1.) We Must Tell The Commoner To Suck It.

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Yes thats right.  We must gain the confidence within ourselves to say fuck this.  Fuck it all straight into the ground.    Most people these days have easy lives.  Very very easy.  Have you noticed how between about 2005-2011 everyone played the “oppression olympics”?   And all the annoying millennials were influenced by rap and hip hop which were very popular at the time and all wanted to relate to the music and everyone wanted to feel like they’ve really “been though shit”…. Yeah… that was a fun time wasn’t it.

And now we’ve been blessed with hipster culture. And suddenly all these people went from playing the oppression olympics to being the “P.C. Bro”.   Now you say anything even remotely controversial and you get a non-stop onslaught of “How dare you disrespect the blah blah” or “Im actually really offended by blah blah” and so on and so on.

…which is really funny because all these insanely mature hipsters are the same people who get piss fuckin drunk, do drugs, and have sex with strangers they met on Tinder or Grindr.

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So yes people.  It is totally ok to say fuck it to anything these people deem as normal or right.  In fact, I encourage it!

2.) We Must Follow Our Own Dreams And Not Be Afraid, Or Fear Failure, Or Feel Our Goals Are Weird.

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I know its hard.  Trust me, Im right there with you.   When so many people tell us were weird, or we do things wrong, or that were weak, or whatever you hear them say about you….it becomes hard for us not to believe them.   I mean, when a majority of people think  it then there must be some truth to it right?

Wrong.

Remember everything we talked about in Step 1.  The commoner is just that, a commoner. They will literally do and believe anything that popular culture tells them to.  Pay no attention to the mindless drones who slave away 9-5 (which really ends up usually being 8-6) Monday through Friday.  Then come home and have a drink or smoke a little pot to “relax”, and live for the weekend.  Those 2 days in their week they can finally act like the children they actually are and can go to the clubs and snort some shit, fuck some people, and gossip about their lives….. and these people have the fucking balls to consider themselves “weekend warriors”.  In reality they’re not warriors of any kind, they’re sheep.  Going with the flow.  Moving where the Shepard tells them to and not questioning.

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Don’t ever let them tell you that you’re bad or wrong or weird or will be a failure.   Seriously, tell them to go fuck themselves.

3.) Discover Ways To Handle The Obstacles That Will Happen

Shit will go wrong.  Lets all be honest here.  Taking the road less traveled will obviously never be easy at the beginning.  We have to learn how to pave new roads before we can travel on them.   Finding ways to cope and grow from the negatives that will happen in our lives is so so so so important.  Because otherwise we become vulnerable to just giving up and falling flat on our faces and staying there.

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See look at this great advice being given to this insanely cute guy…. who is that, Chase Crawford?  Whoever it is ill take his advice any day thats for damn sure.    And if an insanely attractive guy who was born into a rich family can do it, then so can we right?

(crickets) …..

CMON PEOPLE!   YES YOU CAN!

4.)  Never Give Up and Never Surrender

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Remember Galaxy Quest?  Great movie, you should watch it.   Also remember, we’ve only got one life.   Why make it a miserable one?     Never ever give up.

Remember, if you ever feel alone, I think you can do it.   So you’ve got at least one person on your side!

~The Dark Horse

Alone On Valentine’s Day (Its OK To Be Bitter)

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Ah Yes, its that time of year.  That one day a year when EVERYONE who has a date just loves to tell everyone that they have a date.  The day where marriages that have lasted 50 years are rekindled once more, and when waiting girlfriends become excited fiancés.

Its also the day where lonely people like me sit in front of a TV watching chick flicks eating cookies and pie.  Watching those lucky assholes have the time of their lives.

Bunch of fuckin cunts.

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Ah yes my little lonely lads and lasses.   Its just another holiday in our year that reminds us  we are alone.

But perhaps this is the perfect day for venting, not sobbing?

Perhaps were are viewing Valentine’s day all wrong?

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For you see, Valentine’s Day is also the one day of the year where those who do have love are kind of obligated to sit there and listen to us single people bitch.

….get where I’m going with this?

The new goal for Valentine’s Day is to ruin it for the happy people of the world!  Yes…. yes yes yes!!!!!!!   Put your bitter face on bitches cuz its time to ruin some poor innocent happy person’s day!

hate4Put on your Hulk face its time to go ape shit!

See those happy people over there?  Having a nice little picnic in the park?

 HAVE YOU EVER HAD A NICE LITTLE PICNIC IN THE PARK????? NO!!!! OF COURSE NOT! 

Now run over there and ruin it for them!    Go on!  Pour their wine all over yourself as you stomp on their cute little sandwiches he made to impress her!   Awwwwww….. he even wrapped up the silverware in a cloth napkin just like a restaurant! …….GRAB IT!   YES YOU HEARD ME!   ITS YOURS NOW! You never know when you’ll need a spare fork and knife!

 

 

Oh, would you look at this beautiful restaurant?   He must have paid a fortune to take her here.   He must really want to show her how special she is…… assholes.

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OOOOOHHHHHHH She’s soooooooo impressed.    He’s probably gonna get lucky tonight huh…..  Oh wait but look, you’ve decided to serve them the main course yourself… GO ON!  WALK OVER THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT THEY WILL BE EATING TONIGHT!

 

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MWUAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!    Now at the top of your lungs scream PIGFUCKERS!!!!!!!  and then run out of the restaurant in the most delightful and disturbing way possible!

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But in all honesty, we shouldn’t ruin a good Valentine’s day for someone else.  But sometimes its nice to imagine it.  Get some of that bad energy out using our imagination.

One thing I do want to let all of you know is that you’re not alone…..  Well i mean you are…. but I’m alone too…. so you’re not alone in the fact that you’re alone?  get it?

If anyone out there is having an absolute awful day call these numbers:

for the USA call the Crisis hotline: 1-800-233-4357

For Australia call lifeline: 13-11-14

For New Zealand Lifeline: 0800 543 354

For all other counties find your crisis line here:

International Crisis Hotline Listings

Please Note:  None of these lines are for suicide only!   Anytime you’re having a really bad day or suffering an episode of ANY KIND:  depression, anxiety, mania, panic attack  ANYTHING!!! They are there to help!  Trust me, in my lifetime I have called all these numbers and you should never be afraid to!

~ The Dark Horse

…..this post wasn’t proof read,  why? ….because its Valentine’s day bitches.

Why Can’t I Find Peace and Happiness?

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So, I’ve been down the past few days.  Its summer here in the Southern Hemisphere, and its got me thinking of summers back home in Ohio.

More specifically, Summers when I was in high school and college.

Everything used to be so easy.   (well, actually everything was quite hard, I got made fun of in school all the time, nobody ever believed in me, and I couldn’t really talk about anything to my family).

But I had hope.  I had hope for a better life.  I thought one day I was going to make friends, find love, go on adventures, and have an impact on the world.

 

I remember those summer nights sitting outside looking out at Lake Erie. Looking at the vast blackness with the twinkling lights of the freighters in the distance.  Just thinking about how great life was going to be once I finally made it out of Ohio.  Once I got just a little older….  Just a little better….. Just a little more attractive….  Maybe people would like me and Id start having a fun exciting life like everyone else.

 

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On the edge of the river that leads into Lake Erie we have a big oil refinery.  I remember sitting out at the lake looking at it from a distance, imagining that those lights from refinery was the skyline of big city.  A city full of excitement, full of adventure, and filled with people who would become my friends.   Id listen to the soft waves break into the rocks I was sitting on.  The hot summer night air.  The flash of a lightning bug.   The smell of living foliage in the air that makes summer smell so good.    Everything was supposed to get so much better.

 

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Im still looking for my piece of the world.  Im still looking for those good people who will become my friend.  Im still looking

10 years have gone by since I was that 16 year old sitting out looking at that lake.  Ive been to so many places and have seen so many things.  But it seems I’m still that 16 year old.  Still looking for my place in the world.  Still hoping there is reason to keep going .

Im actually in tears right now writing this.   Thinking of how much hope I used to have.  How many dreams I used to have.   I used to think the world was such a good place.  That it was filled with good people.  I used to think my life was going to go so much better than it did

I never thought I was going to have a sex addiction.  I never thought I was going to have anxiety attacks.  I never thought that I was going experience fear.   When you’re young you just don’t know how bad the world can be.  You don’t know how low you can go.   You’re so innocent.  You’re so brave because you don’t know everything can fall apart in an instant.

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Im on the other side of the planet.  Completely alone.   Im trying so hard to stay brave.  Im trying so hard to be the person I always wanted to be.  A person that 16 year old me would have thought I could be.

I don’t know if any of you out there know what its like to go your entire life without a good friend.  Without someone to talk to.   Or what its like to have never been in love, or even out on a date.

I just wish I had someone I could trust enough to just break down in front of.  Someone who will pick me up when i collapse.   Fuck, id be fine with even someone who actually believes me that I’m in so much pain.   Im so tired of being called a drama queen.  Being told that I need to get over it.

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To anyone out there with good friends, love them.  Don’t ever take them for granted.  Send them a text right now or even call them.  Tell them how tankful you are that they are there for you and that you’re not alone.    If you have a family near you who loves you, go have dinner with them tonight.   Spend as much time with them as you can.   You never know when you’ll never see them again.

As for me, well I still have hope.   I still hope my life will get better and I hope I make friends and find love and have adventures.   I hope this blog takes off and I can write books and tell people about the things I’ve learned in life.   I hope I can be a good influence on the world.  I hope everything just gets better.

 

~ The Dark Horse.

This wasn’t proofread at all.  I was crying for most of this post so I’m not sure how well any of this was written.

Making Friends When You Have Depression and Anxiety

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So, this is a post I feel like everyone can get.   Making friends these days is impossible!   Social media and the draws of consumerism has caused people to become increasing selfish, shallow, and cliquey.   Basically, High school has never ended for our generation.

These problems are amplified when you’re dealing with depression and anxiety for many reasons:

~ You have problems that make people’s day less fun.   Your (potential) friends want to go to a club and drink and think other people are looking at how attractive they are….. When you come along and actually know pain and suffering and would like to have a deeper conversation… well….. your deeper conversation takes time away from their busy schedule drinking and hoping to get fucked.

~ Most of us with depression and/or anxiety tend to fall into two groups.   The desperate group who will become friends with anyone who talks to them because you’re just so lonely and miserable all the time, and then there is the group I fall into….the group that is very very very picky about who they will open up to and judge most people when we know they will never get or care what were dealing with.

For the first group, you usually lose your friends for two main reasons.  First, YOU WERE BETTER THAN THEM THE ENTIRE TIME and finally come to your senses and decide to stop talking to them. The other way is, because you’ve made friends with shitty people simply because they talk to you… well, they did what shitty people do and used you and then left you.

…..either way….. neither of us groups end up happy.

~ We also lose friends due to our own doing.   Sadly, we sometimes do have the wrong impression or judge to fast, or always assume the worst.   Sometimes we do indeed ditch a perfectly good friend because of fear:

we’re not good enough for them

surely they’ll find someone better

I’m sure we won’t share many common interests

yeah but they do ____ and I hate that, I’m sure that will be a problem in the future

Ill never be cool enough for them

Ill embarrass them around their real friends

 

and the list goes on….    Anyone out there find themselves thinking those sometimes?  I sure know I do!

 

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Well…..I have a secret to share with all of you…. I think I may have stumbled upon a friend.

…. and I’m scared shitless 

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Yea.. Its pretty crazy.   So He’s 28. (I’m 26)   He is insanely cute, and insanely normal.    Its like the weirdest thing ever and Im working REALLY HARD EVERY DAY to not let all my negative thoughts ruin the friendship.

He calls me to chat…..  WHAT THE FUCK?   IS THE 90s????  HOW COOL IS THAT?

We hang and talk.   Were going bowling on Saturday….. This is seriously the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced…. and what makes it even weirder is that this is so normal for other people and its something they’ve had since they were kids.

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But ill admit, its work.

Like I still get those annoying depressed people thoughts like, “oh maybe he’s using me to just talk about how great his life is”.  Or, “Why does he talk to me?  He’s so much more attractive and popular than me”.  Or, “I worry he will get bored of me at any moment”.

The list of my worries and thoughts are endless, but at the end of the day, I know exactly what they all mean.  What I’m actually thinking without saying it outright is,

I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE A FRIEND AND THE IDEA THAT HE MAY LEAVE AT ANY MOMENT IS PAINFUL AND MAKES ME FEEL VULNERABLE AND SAD.  

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That Gif is my life right now…..

But hey heres the deal people…. we will all have to go through this step.  Old friends don’t just appear.  You have to be in a friendship for a long amount of time before you can fully be comfortable and secure.

 

Sadly there is no easy way to find a lifelong friend, especially for us.   We will always have the gears turning.  I guess the lesson is to learn to live in the moment sometimes?   Let go of your fears for a bit.  Try to just be you.  If they don’t like you, then you were too good to be their friend anyways.

Now, lets learn to take that awkward bro hug above and turn it into a real bro hug!

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Killin’ it!  (….I think thats the word the cool kids are using right now?  Right? ….ugh…. )

~ The Dark Horse

PS- I actually think this one was proof read almost all the way through…. kind of?