Category Archives: mental health

When the Sun Comes Out: Weather and Your Mood

sunny day

Isn’t it crazy how a little bit of sun and warmth can change everything?

Today, even in New York City, the sun is shining and it’s finally “warm”. Ok, it isn’t warm, but isn’t freezing either, and that’s a great start.

Anyways, the point is – Even though I’m living in one of the pandemic’s hardest hit neighborhoods in the hardest hit city in the hardest hit country in the entire world… Damn, a little bit of sunshine really fucking helps make me feel better.

When It’s sunny out, I feel like things are possible. Sure, they suck right now. Sure, the entire economy has collapsed, NYC will never be the same, I could lose my job at any point, my parens could get sick and die, and… I’M GOING TO STOP MYSELF RIGHT THERE!

Deep breath.

Look out at the sunshine. 

sunshine

Where was I… Right. so, point is, the sunshine at least gives me hope that something better is on the horizon. It gives me energy and makes me feel better.

And I truly do hope that better things are on the horizon. Unfortunately, it appears that the horizon is far off…well over a year away. In the meantime, all we can do is stay safe, stay healthy, and try to be close to our loved ones. The sunshine, at least, gives me hope that that is possible.

So, to anyone out there needing a pick-me-up. Go outside (safely) and take a deep breath underneath the sunshine. Let its warmth wrap around you. Let its power give you energy.

And, um… If it isn’t sunny wherever you are today…Well, you’re fucked. I suggest you go inside, give yourself a punk haircut, find whatever black clothes you own and put them on (yes, all at once), blast some Marilyn Manson, and embrace the darkness within.

marilyn manson

 

Rock on,

~ The Dark Horse

So, I Kind of Lied

brooklyn boulders

So, I have a confession to make. In the last post, I mentioned that I had to go to indoor rock climbing with my new friend. I had said I didn’t want to go because of how expensive it was and because of how annoying all the indoor rock climbing people are.

And don’t get me wrong, that’s all true. But that wasn’t the real reason why I was dreading it so much. The truth is, I was afraid. There’s a lot that I haven’t done in my life. Since nobody talked to me growing up, and since I had to deal with the panic attacks and agoraphobia…my life has been quite small. There’s a lot I have never done.

And nobody is good at things they’ve never done before. So, my real fear was that I was going to fail. I was terrified of having a fear of heights on the huge walls, or of being too weak to pull myself up. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my new friend, especially since its’s practically impossible for me to make friends. I also didn’t want to have a panic attack while I was three stories up on a climbing wall.

I was fearing the worst.

rock climbing

I couldn’t stop thinking about spending $50 just to have a horrible night and wind up losing a friend because of what a total pussy I am.

But, I’m proud to say that I did it. And the night went well. And I climbed to the very top of the wall (granted, it was on the Level 1 rock wall) BUT, STILL! I was there, dammit! 

I climbed that Level 1 wall and made it my bitch.

I also felt very emotional after. I say this all the time. Life after agoraphobia is like being born a second time. You find yourself having your “firsts” all over again. Your first walk around the block. Your first trip to the grocery store. Your first ride on the subway. And still, even five years after agoraphobia, I still find myself having these firsts.

But granted, nowadays, they’re things like “First time speaking at a podium” and “First time to London” and “First time indoor rock climbing.”  I’ve come a very long way from that apartment in Melbourne, where I was all alone, making my very first walk down Clarke Street.

indoor rock climbing gif

First steps lead to first climbs I suppose.

 

~ The Dark Horse

REVENGE: Part 1. The Plan

revenge

If you read my last post, you know… I just found out my roommate has been robbing me by overcharging me rent (by $300 each month).

To make matters worse, my other roommate who just moved in is suffering from some weird Stockholm Syndrome shit. I told him that we were both being overcharged (he’s only being overcharged $200 a month) and then suddenly he changed.

He stopped to talking to me and starting getting real chummy with the roommate who is robbing us.  It’s like, since he’s only being robbed $200 a month, he feels lucky or special. Like he’s favored. It’s super fucking weird, and I don’t get it. I’m like, THIS GUY IS STILL STEALING $200 FROM YOU EVERY SINGLE MONTH! YOU DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKER! 

But, such is life… They’ve made their choices.

And so now, the time has come for me to make mine.

And I choose revenge. 

revenge gif

You don’t fuck with the Dark Horse. In the past, I’ve destroyed an apartment and stole my roommate’s PS3 (I was nice and gave it to my friend) for being an asshole. When I was in Shanghai, I pissed in the shower gel of the racist Americans I was there with. In my last apartment here in NYC, when I was living with that crazy Trump supporter, I bailed without paying him 2 months in utilities.

So… I’m just saying, you don’t fuck with me.

But now, I say…

revenge rhianna

I’m devising a plan, and I’ll be sure to keep you informed every step of the way.

And if you don’t think I’m a good person, that’s fine. I’ve never claimed to be enlightened. I’ve never claimed to be angelic. I’ve never claimed to be a pushover.

I can promise that if you don’t fuck with me, I won’t fuck with you. But sadly, this world is full of people who just want to take advantage of you… and so,

arson

carpe diem ya’ little cunts.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE

sum

Holy fuckbills on a stick people, Summer is finally almost here! It’s so close, so. damn. close!

The warmth. The sun. The adventure! For real, anyone else out there with depression and anxiety – how do you feel about summer? I know that back when I was younger and overweight I used to hate summer. Summer was a time for wearing shorts and short-sleeved shirts. AKA: It was a time for my pasty fat to be shown to the world. And I hated it immensely.

But now that I’ve gotten in shape, I’m the opposite. Now I love summer. I love getting some sun. I love the heat, the warmth. I feel like I have so much more energy in the summer and my depression seems to not be as bad. All the cloudy, short, cold winter days take it out of me. An the summer weather seems to charge me like a battery.

sum2

But I fully understand that it’s all relative.

How did I go from hating the summer, to loving the summer?

And not just that, but winter seriously takes it out of me.

I used to long for those sweaters that I could hide under, for the idea of “I’m not sitting around the house because I have no life…I’m sitting around the house because it’s winter. duh!” It felt like such a great excuse to myself.

But now it’s almost like I’m revolting against the old me.

Now, when I’m trapped inside on cold winter days, memories of my past come back with a fury. The sadness of not just bleak the winter days, but also my bleak past, all live inside me all winter long.

But summer, Oh man! It makes me just want to run amok around the world. Finding adventure wherever I can.

 

So, if you’re like the old me and hate summer – here are some things to be excited about:

1.) New season of Stranger Things

strange

I could watch Winona Ryder freak out all day long.  Plus, did you see that amazing trailer playing The Who?  uuuuggghhhh…..SSSSUUUUUMMMMMMEEEERRRRRR

 

2.) Getting outside more

JP

Nothing makes you feel better than a good walk in the park, am I right? You could even go for a run if you wanted to.  Even if I’m completely alone, something about being outside in the warmth just makes me feel so much better.

 

3.) Summer Travel!

flight

Summer is a time for adventure and a time for traversing this great planet of ours! Don’t fear the worst! get out there, hop in a plane, and go somewhere!

 

4.) The New Godzilla movie

godzilla

If the world is just too depressing, and you feel like it’s all falling apart, then stay inside a nice cozy movie theater and watch the world get destroyed in the new Godzilla movie! Anytime a giant creature destroys mankind I am a happy man!

 

5.) Summer music!

blind.gif

Summer is a time for the hottest songs of the year to get released….BUT SERIOUSLY, FUCK MODERN MUSIC. Instead, I fill my summers with the summer hits of the 90’s. Blast Blind Melon, Alanis Morissette, Hole, Lauryn Hill, Smashing Pumpkins, Robyn (old Robyn, not new Robyn), and Fiona Apple.  That’s right. Teach these stupid cunts what real music sounds like!

 

Enjoy your summer everyone!

~ The Dark Horse

My Roommate is a Trump Supporter Part 2

trump

So, the other week I made a post about my roommate being a Trump supporter and all the horrible and stupid shit he says.  Well, with the release of the Mueller Report, he’s gone balls to the wall, fucking batshit nuts.

Which is ridiculous. I’m a very liberal person. However, I fully understand that Trump will win in 2020 because Democrats can’t get their shit together and nobody in the country has the balls to hold the Republican party accountable for anything.

So, why he’s mad, I’m not sure…..

He’s literally guaranteed Trump until 2024 (vomits)

But what makes me so sad is that he’s dug himself into this little hole. He listens only to male country singers. He watches only Fox News. He reads only Alt-Right websites. He has no friends in New York and never leaves the apartment because he feels the people here are mean to him, and judge him for being a Trump supporter….

trump1

WHICH IS SO FUNNY TO ME, BECAUSE AS A GAY GUY WHO GREW UP IN OHIO, I WAS CONSTANTLY TOLD BY PEOPLE LIKE HIM THAT I SHOULD JUST LEAVE OHIO AND GO RUN AWAY TO SOME BIG LIBERAL CITY WHERE I WOULDN’T BOTHER “REAL AMERICANS” SO MUCH. 

SO TO MY ROOMMATE, I’D SAY THE SAME – YOU CAN’T BE IN NEW YORK…THE CITY WHERE ALL OF US FROM THE MIDWEST HAVE TO RUN AWAY TO BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU… AND THEN BE MAD THAT NONE OF US WANT YOU HERE. 

YOUR PEOPLE CONSTANTLY TOLD ME TO GET OUT MY ENTIRE LIFE.

SO NOW I SAY THE SAME. 

GO BACK TO KENTUCKY WHERE YOU BELONG. 

bye

 

What was really terrifying though was the “stand-up comedy” he blasted from the living room the other day.  I have stand-up in quotes because I saw no comedy here. There weren’t even jokes.  I swear to you people, this is verbatim what was said —–

Comedian: You know who I really hate? Bernie Sanders! 

(Audience claps)

Comedian: What a fucking piece of shit right? 

(Audience bursts out laughing and cheering)

Comedian: Someone really needs to walk up to that motherfucker and just punch him in the fucking face! 

(Audience laughing uproariously)

Comedian:  Seriously, like, he wants to steal our money???? If he ever tries to steal my money I’m going beat the shit out of him!

(Audience going completely fucking nuts)

Comedian: I think Bernie doesn’t get that we’re powerful. If he ever comes for us, we’re gonna’ take him down! 

(Audience going so crazy I’m surprised the theater didn’t collapse)

 

People… this shit was scary.

Republicans went nuts when Samantha Bee called Ivanka a feckless cunt, and yet they have no problem with someone saying they’re going to beat Bernie Sanders to death?

trump4

 

Ya’ll, we are fucked. These people are terrifying. Can we please get our act together for 2020?  Please? 

 

The Dark Horse

Spring Playlist to Destroy the Winter Blues

pink

 

So, if you’re like me, then winter brings you down… a lot.  I have depression and anxiety, and I always have to work on on keeping myself mentally healthy. And winter is always the fucking hardest.

I love Christmas. The lights, the music, the food, how busy the world is… but then suddenly comes January and February.

No sun.

It’s freezing.

No holidays in sight.

Everyone is sick.

FUCK WINTER. 

FUCK IT INTO THE FUCKING GROUND.

But now, it’s spring. We are above freezing (sometimes only by a few degrees, but IT’S PROGRESS PEOPLE, COME ON!) And I’m getting myself all worked up for better weather, longer days, and the adventure that fills the sir of spring and summer.

I’ve crafted a kick-ass playlist that makes me smile, makes me happy, and gives me energy. This playlist screams SPRING IS HERE! 

If you’re looking for some good tunes to help bring you out of your winter hole, give these tunes a spin!

 

18 WHEELER

P!nk

When you need to just really kick some fuckin ass in the shower, turn on Pink’s 18 Wheeler. I’m lucky to have a window in my bathroom.  With this song, on weekend mornings, I like to hop in the shower after my morning tea and roll up the blinds so the morning sun has illuminated my bathroom, and THEN I BLAST THIS SHIT TILL THE BASS FALLS OUT. Nobody brings out your inner-rebellious teenager like pink.

 

NTH DEGREE

Morningwood

This is one of those songs that’s so great because it’s totally inappropriate. Just remember…

M O

M O R

M O R N I N G

M O – M O R- M O R N I N G W O O D TO THE NTH DEGREE!!!!!!

 

PORTLAND, OREGON

Jack White and Loretta Lynn

I hate that Loretta Lynn is a Trump supporter. But, you gotta give her credit for being 86 years old and still crankin’ out records and touring.  Also, this song is so good because it feels just like spring. The song starts of slow, and then builds and builds into the honkey tonk-infused tune that always gets me singing along.

 

BREAKFAST

Kelis

I’ll be honest with everyone, I didn’t like Kelis very much. I thought she was kinda trashy. But then her album Food came out, and I was blown away.  Here, she removes all that synth-hip-hop shit and just sings. And it’s beautiful.  The culmination of the song comes when she sings the line “Maybe we’ll make it to breakfast.” And I’m just like, YESSSSSSSS!  Maybe she’ll make it to breakfast, and maybe we’ll make it to spring!

 

1979

Smashing Pumpkins

This song brings back memories of warmer months as a kid in the 90’s. And it’s funny because 1979 is Billy Corgan singing about the dog days of his childhood, and this song came out in my childhood…so, it’s like…the circle of life or some shit like that.

Point is, the song envois images of youth, and hope for the future. Prefect for spring!

 

Storms in Africa Parts 1 & 2

Enya

I listen to these songs every single spring, and have ever since I was 15. The songs are about the African rainy season, when torrential thunderstorms bring water and life back to a parched region. This song always reminds me of spring rains. April showers do bring May flowers after all. I always love the energy of a spring storm. It’s like mother nature defibrillating herself back to life.

BETTER LIFE

Keith Urban

For anyone who has read this blog, you know I love running away/  And this song always inspire me to run again. The purity, the energy, and the hope of being young. The idea that adventure is everywhere. The belief that life is fun.

What can be more spring-like than that?