Does anyone else out there look back on their past and wish they were young again? I mean, I didn’t even like being young. My life has been a raging shitshow since about age 10
But at the same time, there was the spark back then. This magic all around me.
I believed that everything was going to work out. I thought that one day I’d fly away and be surrounded by people who loved and cared for me. When I was 20, I was so much more jaded than any other 20 year-old around me, but now, at 27, I’m even more bitter and jaded than I thought humanly possible.
This one memory has been popping back into my head for about a month now.
It’s the memory of being twenty years old and being back in undergrad. Back at a school called Loyola Marymount University.
Loyola Marymount is located in sunny Los Angeles and it’s campus is beautiful and pristine. Being from working class Ohio, I always felt completely out of place surrounded by all the kids from the OC and the Bay who drove their BMWs and Range Rovers around campus.
Back then I hated that school. I had no friends. I didn’t connect with the coke-snorting millionaires from Laguna Beach who partied in WeHo rather than did homework like me. It was so isolating and lonely. I remember it was so bad that I moved to Westwood to live with UCLA kids. Then I had about a 2 hour bus commute every day there and back on the Santa Monica 3 bus line.
And yet, these days, I look back and miss those days. I miss being in undergrad. I miss being that young. I miss looking out my classroom windows and seeing palm trees and the LA skyline.
But you know, what I really miss is being surrounded by peers. There is an experience in undergrad that you’ll never get in anything else you ever do in life for as long as you live. Its you, being young, and being surrounded by a bunch of other young people. There is just this feeling like a new friend could be around every corner. Maybe a potential boyfriend is sitting next to you in class. You just always think that something good may be coming.
So that’s what I’m remembering. I keep thinking of sitting in this history class I had. There was this really cute straight guy who sat next to me. I used to sneak looks at him when he wasn’t looking. And sometimes, he’d catch my looking and I’d smile like as I was just looking around the room and happened to make eye-contact with him. He’d give me this bro-like “sup” motion with his face.
I’ll never have that again. I’ll never feel like a new friend is around every corner. I’ll never feel like I’ll fall in love ever again. I just rot. I just got older and more isolated and my body crumbles and fades with age.
You’re only young once. After that it’s all over. Now, everyone is settling down, getting married, getting fat, plopping into their 9-5 (which in America has quickly turned to the 8-6), and they wash their adulthoods away at bars on the weekends talking about life as “grown ups” as they discuss buying homes and other such bullshits.
I think I actually hate them more now. At least back when we were 20 and they didn’t have anything in common with me, I could still have some eye candy. But now, that glow of youth that all the hot guys used to have has been replaced with a growing belly and back hair. I wonder how they look at themselves in the mirror everyday without wanting to commit suicide. How far they’ve fallen.
But despite how awful life becomes, I will still have my memories. At nighttime as I sit in my bed unable to fall asleep, I close my eyes, and think about my past. I replay those days at LMU on loop in my head. My bedroom provides an escape from my present. I’d rather be lost a delusional fantasy of what my life used to be, than sit in bed at night and dwell on how it only continues to get worse.
Anyways, does anyone else feel that way? Does anyone else feel like even though life was never good, it was somehow less bad when you were young?
And where do we go from here?
~ The Dark Horse
(This was…perhaps 30% proofread?)