Category Archives: sad

Why Do People Love To Put Others Down (Or, Let’s Learn To Tell Em’ To Fuck Off)

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So, this world is full of pathetic people who desperately try to fit in, and in that quest, they literally end up getting lost in their own bullshit.   Then these people live their lives trying to be a constructed image of themselves to portray to the world.    These people….sadly…end up being a majority of the populous.  The commoner.

Take this for example, in the year 2000, it would have been deemed super lame to like superheroes.  Flash-forward to modern times…

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…And this infographic literally started at 2014… almost a good 6 years after the superhero craze began.

 

 

 

For another example, in the year 2000 liking music that used the banjo would have been seen as really stupid…

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And then suddenly bands like Mumford and Sons, and Old Crow Medicine show and shit dominated the hipster market.  The banjo became commonplace.

 

 

The point is, everything is relative.  “Cool” is literally dictated by the companies who sell you the product.   Don’t believe me?  OVERALLS are back people… fucking overalls.

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God, if you’re real, please destroy Coachella.   Also, PS people… like this fucker even knows what Ziggy Stardust is or who David Bowie is.  Which brings up another great point.  In 2000, liking artists that your parents listened to would have been extremely uncool.  However, in the present day people are buying Led Zeppelin shirts without even knowing any of their songs.

 

OK, SO WHAT IS MY POINT RIGHT?

My point is, be yourself.  Anyone who wants to put you down for dressing the way you dress, liking the music you like, or the way you act, or whatever the case… they’re all just posers.  They only like what is popular right now because they lack personality.  If you like bubble pop and miss bands like Aqua, then whatever, blast that music all you want.  In 20 years it will probably be cool again and suddenly the commoners will love you.

 

And secondly, don’t even let the common man’s opinions bring you down.  Once you know how easily the commoner is bought and sold, then their opinion should mean nothing.

Sure, they will love telling you not to chase your dreams, or to be more normal, or whatever-the-fuck.  But all you gotta is put a bitch in their place.

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OF COURSE THIS IS A METAPHOR.. Don’t actually smack a ho.   But trust me, by being yourself and not caring about what they say, then they lose all their power.  So in a way, you’re still giving em a good….

 

 

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…and you’re giving it to em’ right where it hurts!

 

Alright people, stay strong and stay yourselves!

~The Dark Horse

 

 

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The After-Christmas Blues

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Ugh….  The Christmas music is gone.  The family has all parted ways… The presents have been opened… and now here we are.  Stuck with the post-christmas lows.

 

Its always weird for me.   Everyone always acts so busy at the holidays.    Like, “Oh I just couldn’t possibly stay any longer, I just have so much to do I have to go right now!”

Does anyone else feel like thats how everyone is?  Even at the family Christmas there are people who come, eat the food, and then are like, “Ok everyone we have to go, bye!”.   And I’m like… Where exactly is everyone going all the time?

If you’re going to come into town Christmas eve night and leave at 8am the day after Christmas what exactly are you even coming home for?     Like, seriously people… if you’re lives are so full-on that actually breaking away from your job for JUST 1 DAY  is now a chore, don’t come home!

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But as I grow older thats how life has become.   Christmas is this whirlwind now consisting of 1 day.  Where I hear nothing but family complaining about how tired the holidays make them, how busy they are, how quickly they have to rush out right after Christmas…. and then before you know it, its December 26.  Everyone is gone.  The mad dash to go somewhere else is in full-swing.

We spend 2 months putting up lights, listening to Christmas carols, buying presents, baking cookies….. all for one day where EVERYONE ON EARTH just complains about how tired these two months have made them.  How they’re just too stressed right now… and how they have to leave immediately.

Well human population:  You’re negativity, lack of enthusiasm, and commitment to your jobs which must be working you 60 or 70 hours a week with how much you complain about them, has left me now tired, depressed, and empathetic.

Your Christmas has ruined mine.  I hope you’re happy.  

And now you’re all gone.  Back to your jobs which you hate so much.   Back to paying off your mortgages, your kids, your cars, and the presents you couldn’t afford.    You’re back to living your lives you complain about so much.     And Why? 

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Now don’t get me wrong.  Im not some unemployed welfare muncher.  I work as well.    And no, I don’t like my job.  But you know what people, I’m doing sometime about it.  Im going back to school.  Ive never invested in things that would keep me tied down to consumerist culture like buying a house, buying the newest car, or  the crappy gadgets that don’t do anything (talkin’ to you fitbit and apple watch people).     Because without having any of that hanging over my head I’m free to switch up my life.  Im free to change things.  Im not tied down.  I don’t have anything looming over my head.   I am not happy with my life, and therefore I am changing it.  You people are not happy with your lives, and yet you just sit in your filth.   You tie yourself down.   You get stuck, trapped, and captured.

Then this one time of year comes around meant for family, fun, and friendship.   It could be so beautiful.  The lights, the trees, the time spent together….but no.   Instead you’re so frazzled that the holidays have become a pathetic spectacle.   Christmas is now just one more day in your life that has clearly become so boring, so routine, and mundane that you just could’t give a fuck anymore.

And thats sad.     And it makes me sad.    And what makes it even worse is that you’re all convinced thats just how life is.   Working a job that doesn’t really make you happy is something you believe everyone just does.    Buying too many presents for people who don’t actually need them is just part of the season.   Getting fatter and fatter every year is just part of getting older…and so on and so on.    If your 15 yr old self saw you right now, what would they think?

Apparently to most of you, adulthood is the end of your life.   All you have is the memories of your youth now.

I don’t want that as my life.    And I’m sorry that so many of you have let that become you.

Sorry for the horribly negative post, just something Ive been noticing.

~ The Dark Horse

When Life Continues To Give You Nothing But Lemons

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Oh life, you fickle little fuck. You just never know when to quit do you? So, Im working in retail right now. Which means this week (being Thanksgiving) should be the busiest of the year. And yet, Ive had 2 shifts cancelled this week. And I had a shift cut last week….

So now my parents are giving me a bunch of shit. Telling me what a failure I am. Being a 26 year old, living at home, who can’t even hold down a minimum wage job.

I talked to my boss yesterday, asking if Ive been a bad employee or if Ive been doing anything wrong, and she said no. It was just bad timing because she thought we were going to get a lot of shipment these last two weeks, and we didn’t. So she had to cut shifts.

Which still sucks, but at least I know I still have a job….

Still, doesn’t help me talking to my parents. They’re convinced Im a failure. And you know what? They’re kind of right. Im 26. Ive never had a “big boy job”. I can’t seem to ever find love. Nor can I manage to find long-lasting happiness.

This morning I told my dad I had a shift canceled and he responded with, “You don’t even have a job….”. I had to walk away and go back to my room because I was going to cry.

I have depression. I also have severe anxiety. They ruin my life. Times like these only add to the problem.

If I believed in God. In a higher power, and an afterlife, I would have killed myself by now. But you know what? There is no God. This is it people. There are no pearly gates waiting for us on the other side. Therefore, when the fake God above throws you nothing but lemons, you have no choice but to turn them into lemonade.

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Because we have no choice.

Im not going to give up. Im not going to believe that Im stupid. That I’m lazy. That I’m not worth things better than what I have right now. Because I know that isn’t true. I know I work hard. I know I really try. Have I burnt almost every bridge Ive ever crossed? Have I ruined so many situations because of my insecurities, low self-esteem, and belief that I wasn’t good enough? Yes, absolutely. Have I been too afraid to really try to live the life Ive always wanted? Yes.

But that all changes people.

IT HAS TO CHANGE

So look lemons you dirty bastards, Its lemonade time!

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I have been accepted for a Creative Writing Masters at the University of Denver.   So I know someone wants me.   On top of that, Ill find out December 2nd if I’m going to Harvard.    Im playing with some weak cards here and I understand that.

I know that with my history of constant failures, trying to pick up the pieces will be hard.   because who wants to take the chance on the underdog?   But, something’s gotta’ give at some point.   Think of celebrities like Kathy Griffin, or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory (Who is actually like 44 years old).  Some people don’t find success until later in life  (I really hope at least SOMETHING goes well for me before 44…. but hey, trying is all I can do).

I mean, hey, I got through all of last year, and I’m here…..

Keep trying, I know I will!

Wishing I Could Restart Life

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So I’m back home in Ohio because my visa for New Zealand expired.   Im living back home, on my little street, back in my childhood room, and all my movies and books.

Im working part time in retail until I figure out what to do with my life, but I will say working part time has been amazing.  After 50 hour work weeks for a full year in New Zealand, going to only working 25 has been amazing.   I can take time to go to the gym,  take time to cook from scratch, and take time for one of my guilty pleasures: A nice relaxing bike ride.

These bike rides however have become filled with intense and deep thoughts on life.    You see, at the end of my street there is a park, and next to that park is a high school.  The high school football team uses the park to practice since its a big open space.     So when I go for my bike rides in the park, I bike right past the football team.

 

This has got me thinking:

WHAT WOULD LIFE HAVE BEEN LIKE TO BE LIKE THEM? 

AP AP10THINGSTOSEE- SHAMOKIN SOUTHERN COLUMBIA FOOTBALL S FBH USA PA

What would life have been like to a popular and athletic kid in high school?

BACKGROUND ON ME: Gay, liberal, interested in travel, green-tech, geography, and my dream was to go to LA to be in movies…..

So, as you can imagine, growing up in a high school in Ohio was fucking hell.   I was constantly made fun of, beat up, and nobody would speak to me because it was considered social suicide (Well, they would speak to me if it was to call me fag or tell me that I was going to die of AIDS one day).  My parents were ashamed of me so I couldn’t talk to them.   My guidance counselor at school wanted nothing to do with me (because she was equally as redneck as everyone else) and the only advice she ever gave me when I told her I wanted to go to LA for college was, “Have you ever considered staying in Ohio and going to a Community College?”

** Also, a side note: for anyone out there wondering if I was just a deadbeat, the answer is No.   I graduated with a 4.0 and I did go to LA for college with absolutely no help or support from anyone, so take that Ohio, you bunch of bastards**

But I have to admit.   That experience has always made me wonder: What if everything was different?   Because you see, being strong and brave even when everyone around you tells you you’re weak and pathetic comes with a price.   As you grow up, you become jaded.

That little fucker of an emotion (or thought pattern I guess?)   You see the world differently forever.   Its hard to not view yourself as an outcast.  Its hard to not brace yourself for everything around you to fall apart at any moment.   Its hard to believe that anyone you’re talking to you now would have been nice to you in high school if they would have grown up in your hometown with you then.   There is a permanent stain.  A smear of hatred, fear, resentment, and agony that will never go away.

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Which is why these boys at the park capture my emotions.   As I bike along the path my eyes almost glaze over as I watch them.   I just look at them.   They must be friends with each other.   The school has signs up in the windows where people have painted big letters that say “GO EAGLES!“.    Can you imagine being that popular?

They run and jump and kick and tackle.    Their dads must be so proud of them.  The spitting image of what every Ohio boy should be.   Their fathers get to live out their ‘Friday Night Lights’ fantasies through their boys.    My father never looked at me with pride.   I was always the black sheep of the family.   The one they had to always keep from saying or doing embracing things.    The one that was a hard worker, but had his head in the clouds.   The one who, as my mom would always say, “needed to come back down to Earth and grow up”.

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These guys probably play grab-ass in the shower, fuck the cheerleaders, get drunk at parties, and form bonds that they will have for the rest of their lives from doing all that as a team.  I have no idea what I just said by the way.  Thats just what I see in movies and stuff.  I was never able to be immature and stupid in my life because I was always alone.   I had to look our for myself because nobody else would.   I also don’t know what having a “bond” with another person feels like.   I imagine it must be fun though.  Must make you feel good.   Must make living a lot more fun.

So as I ride by I just stare and imagine.   I think of all the things they must do and how great their youths must be.   Then I like to imagine me being in that situation.    What if I was ever part of a team?   Can you imagine how much fun it would be for someone to have your back?    To wake up and look forward to high school in the morning?      To believe that you mattered?  To even have other people tell you so?

For a few brief moments Im filled with a small amount of joy.   The illusion and the fantasy seems so nice.   For a few seconds in my day I can erase the past and refill it with how I wish it would have been.    Bright sunny September afternoons.   Playing football with all my friends.   Looking forward to the big game on Friday night.    The party that would happen after, and all the great memories Id have forever.

But then I bike on past and its all gone.   And I’m me again.

A 26 year old who just went catatonic while looking at a bunch of high school kids.  Im sure they all think I’m some fucking weird child rapist or something.   Or maybe since I’m 26 I’m still too young to look scary (Im hoping thats the case at least).

But you see thats my life, and thats what its like to be gay.    You always wonder if people think you’re a sick perv.   Why?  Well because I was a gay kid.  In Ohio.   Who was never shown a single ounce of kindness.   Who was always told I was a dirty pervert.   Someone worthy of hell.

My mind is forever stained in negativity.

I arrive back home, go up to my room and feel the weirdness of all my mixed emotions.    The tingling I still have from that brief moment of imagining a happy life.   The anxiety I feel, wondering if they were all looking at me as I looked at them.   The dread I have for my future.   And the sorrow I feel because of how fucked up my youth was.

But you know what, for a few brief minutes in my day, it was nice to imagine a better existence.    It was nice to imagine myself as one of the high school Titans who had it so well.

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~ The Dark Horse

Suicide and “Its Just A Cry For Help” (But Can You Blame Them)

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How many times have you heard someone say “people who cut themselves are just looking for attention”.   Or, “blah blah blah wasn’t gonna actually do it, it was just a cry for help”.

 

Then people proceed to see it like its something not worth dealing with.  Or that the suicidal person was just a drama queen looking for their oscar winning movie moment.

 

But perhaps we need to look at it from a new direction, and for anyone out there with depression or anxiety or any mental problems you know exactly what I’m talking about:

 

 

Any of you people out there who doesn’t have to go through this, you have no absolutely no idea how much pain we feel.

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When people like us try to talk to normal people, what are we meat with?    The same few lines like some broken record:

1.)  Oh yeah I’ve hard some hard times too, you’ll get through

My dream response:  “hahaha…..I really hope the next time you’re on an airplane it crashes over the open ocean…. ”

 

2.) Yeah my friend has depression I totally get it…..

My dream response: “Well if thats all you say to your friend then I feel really bad for your friend”.

 

3.) Maybe you’re just focusing on the bad?  Have you tried meditating? 

 

My dream response:  (there would be no words, id just grab the nearest share object and go full blown psycho)

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So to all you people out there who just think its all for attention, have you ever considered that maybe when those you know try talking to you and they get those response, maybe they learn to not share things with you anymore?

And maybe when they attempt suicide there are actually one of two reasons?

1.)  They literally can’t stand the idea of living any longer because of how painful it is? 

2.) And this is the one you really need to focus on,  maybe the cry for help was to finally make people around them understand how much the pain they feel really is?  

Ah yes, ever consider that?   Perhaps a lifetime of getting brushed to the side hurts people even more?

Maybe that suicide attempt was to finally make everyone around them make up.   Make them see the pain inside?

And when that happens, please do not respond with “it was just for attention”, or “oh they weren’t really going to go through with it”.  because what that makes you my dear, is a total cunt.

 

And to all of you out there who are feeling like you may try and take your life, or for anyone who is worried about someone who may, plead read on:

 

 

Press play and then keep reading!

 

There are some pretty dumb ways to die:

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For example, this blog would advise to not invite Freddy Krueger for dinner 

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Sadly, movies have lied to us all.  Bears are not like Baloo from the jungle Book. Therefore Poking bears is another idea that this blog would consider a dumb way to die.

 

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Although the idea may sound like the ultimate adventure, this blog sadly informs you to never take off a spacesuit while in the vacuum of space because…well,  its the vacuum of space….

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However, the dumbest way to die is by taking your own life.  Don’t do it.

If you are feeling unstable in any way, even if it isn’t suicidal, there are tons of resources out there!

Check out local helplines that are waiting to speak to you! Just google search “Depression help line”, “lifeline” or “Suicide hotline” and the search results with bring up numbers for your local area or country!

There is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse

 

Having Good People In Your Life Make All The Difference

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So this is almost like a Part 3 to my 2 previous posts which have been about rebuilding your life when everything is just shit.   I was talking about trying to stay happy and find friends and love when you literally have nothing…..and um….something has happened.  Ive actually made a friend.  (If you want to read the 2 previous posts you can on these links)

Here is Part 1

and here is Part 2

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So a brief rundown for those of you who haven’t been reading, I was saying I have a problem:

THE PROBLEM: I have no friends, have never really had friends, have never been on a date in my life and am socially retarded.

I then thought of a solution

THE SOLUTION:  Was to force myself into friendships.   I decided to talk to everyone, and to not ask them if we were going to hang out…but to basically tell them we were.

Now I’m aware this is weird, and awkward, and scary, and seems desperate…. but if any of you are like me and have severe depression and anxiety that has ruined your lives…. lets all be honest…. we are quite desperate and weird people.   So, it seems to fit our personality.

AND WOULDN’T YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???  I FIND MYSELF A FRIEND!

 

Oh yeah….. were like total bros.  Its crazy!

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Actually… it soon isn’t like that.   Its more like he is this really cool attractive popular guy and then theres me… somehow is friend.

So it looks more like this:

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But here is the point…. Ive made a friend…and like…a good friend.   Like he calls me to see “whats up”.   I didn’t even know people did that anymore  how cool is that?

we send each other memes and youtube videos when were at work

 

Its fucking weird people, but its nice.  Its cool to know someone is thinking about you.  To know you have someone to talk to.  Somehow who makes you smile and who you can make smile.    And the weirdest part is thinking that there are people who have always had this!

Isn’t that crazy to think about?  Most people have friends from like 5 years old.   They’ve never known what its like to be alone.   And for me its like this new magical experience.. how crazy is that?

 

So whats the point here?

Well the point is this:  Im probably the most socially awkward human on this planet.  I literally have never had good friends in my entire life.   I don’t really have common interests with anyone, and yet I’ve just found a friend

So it is possible!  YOU CAN DO IT!  I promise you, you can.   Loneliness doesn’t have to be around forever.    We just have to out in some effort!

Alright peeps, make it happen!

~ The Dark Horse

(If you asked the magic 8 ball if this post was proofread it would say.. “not likely”)