Category Archives: stress

I Long To Be The Younger Me Again

Feb 2010 Campus Scenes

 

Does anyone else out there look back on their past and wish they were young again?  I mean, I didn’t even like being young.  My life has been a raging shitshow since about age 10

But at the same time, there was the spark back then.  This magic all around me. 

I believed that everything was going to work out.  I thought that one day I’d fly away and be surrounded by people who loved and cared for me.  When I was 20, I was so much more jaded than any other 20 year-old around me, but now, at 27, I’m even more bitter and jaded than I thought humanly possible.

 

This one memory has been popping back into my head for about a month now.

It’s the memory of being twenty years old and being back in undergrad.  Back at a school called Loyola Marymount University.

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Loyola Marymount is located in sunny Los Angeles and it’s campus is beautiful and pristine.  Being from working class Ohio, I always felt completely out of place surrounded by all the kids from the OC and the Bay who drove their BMWs and Range Rovers around campus.

Back then I hated that school.  I had no friends.  I didn’t connect with the coke-snorting millionaires from Laguna Beach who partied in WeHo rather than did homework like me.   It was so isolating and lonely.  I remember it was so bad that I moved to Westwood to live with UCLA kids.   Then I had about a 2 hour bus commute every day there and back on the Santa Monica 3 bus line.

 

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And yet, these days, I look back and miss those days.  I miss being in undergrad. I miss being that young.  I miss looking out my classroom windows and seeing palm trees and the LA skyline.

But you know, what I really miss is being surrounded by peers.  There is an experience in undergrad that you’ll never get in anything else you ever do in life for as long as you live.  Its you, being young, and being surrounded by a bunch of other young people.  There is just this feeling like a new friend could be around every corner. Maybe a potential boyfriend is sitting next to you in class.   You just always think that something good may be coming.

So that’s what I’m remembering.  I keep thinking of sitting in this history class I had.  There was this really cute straight guy who sat next to me.  I used to sneak looks at him when he wasn’t looking.  And sometimes, he’d catch my looking and I’d smile like as I was just looking around the room and happened to make eye-contact with him.  He’d give me this bro-like “sup” motion with his face.

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I’ll never have that again.   I’ll never feel like a new friend is around every corner.  I’ll never feel like I’ll fall in love ever again.   I just rot.  I just got older and more isolated and my body crumbles and fades with age.

You’re only young once.   After that it’s all over.  Now, everyone is settling down, getting married, getting fat, plopping into their 9-5 (which in America has quickly turned to the 8-6), and they wash their adulthoods away at bars on the weekends talking about life as “grown ups” as they discuss buying homes and other such bullshits.

I think I actually hate them more now.  At least back when we were 20 and they didn’t have anything in common with me, I could still have some eye candy.  But now, that glow of youth that all the hot guys used to have has been replaced with a growing belly and back hair.   I wonder how they look at themselves in the mirror everyday without wanting to commit suicide.   How far they’ve fallen.

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But despite how awful life becomes, I will still have my memories.  At nighttime as I sit in my bed unable to fall asleep, I close my eyes, and think about my past.  I replay those days at LMU on loop in my head.  My bedroom provides an escape from my present.  I’d rather be lost a delusional fantasy of what my life used to be, than sit in bed at night and dwell on how it only continues to get worse.

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Anyways, does anyone else feel that way?  Does anyone else feel like even though life was never good, it was somehow less bad when you were young?

And where do we go from here?

~ The Dark Horse

(This was…perhaps 30% proofread?)

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It’s Time for Us To All Respect and Love Ourselves Because We Can Be Fucking Awesome! (Or…I got crabs)

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So, Ive learned something within the last few weeks.   Despite everything I’ve gone through, and all the progress I’ve made, I still don’t value myself.   Now, before I get into this whole thing, let me explain how this revelation all came together:  I got crabs.  Yes. I got public lice.   And It is probably one of the most disgusting and gross things that have ever happened to me.

You see, when I get sad and stressed and lonely, I lash out with sex.  I battle with a sex addiction.  And for anyone out there who thinks that sex addiction isn’t real, well you can go fuck yourself, I have nothing to prove to you.     ANYWAYS, moving forward… So that’s my vice I guess you could say.  And I have times where I handle it really well and then I have times when I don’t.    I moved here in January to start school and Im guessing if you’re reading this blog, you’re most likely the kind of person who is different from most. So you all know how much of a struggle it is to make friends when you’re like us.   And beyond friends, DATES?  …That basically doesn’t happen.

So I’ve been working really hard at school (I’m straight A’s right now Im proud to say!) But I’ve also been facing the crushing loneliness of moving to a new place.

Also, I think I should mention I’m at Harvard, and it’s not to brag, but it’s important to understanding the situation.

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So,  Harvard is amazing, but there is a culture here, because it’s the best school in the country, and probably the most famous in the world:  A vast majority of people here are cunts.   Like most stereotypes, the ones about Harvard are also true.  You have an overwhelming majority of insanely wealthy people who have no idea what reality is like.  You have competition coming out of your ass.  You have this “If I can’t benefit from you, theres no point in talking to you” mentality.   Remember Legally Blonde?  Well, there are a lot of Vivian Kensington’s here.

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But, ugh… way too much building the scene right?  I just need to get on with what I’m trying to say.   So, I’ve been lonely.  I’m a creative type who wants to write stories to inspire the outcasts of the world to hang in there, and I’m in a school full of methodical, wealthy, WASPS….literally the kinds of people who create outcasts.   So, making a social life has been hard.

 

 

In my loneliness, Ive turned to sex.  Luckily for me, I’m a top, and I always use a condom.  So the risk of things like HIV and shit are super low.   However, things that spread from skin-to-skin contact…. like lice…. well, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.   The last few weeks I have been itching really badly, so I went to the doctor and she said it was probably jock itch, so she gave me cream and said not to be alarmed if the itching is still there for 2-3 weeks.   And furthermore, when the lice are on your skin they kind of look like freckles that have slightly weird boundaries.  So, nothing immediately seemed odd.   But as the weeks went on and the cream did nothing, and  I started seeing a lot of these odd new freckles, and not just on my pubic region, but on my thighs and stuff, I was like…. you know what, this is weird…. so I picked at one of them, and then it came off!  I was shocked.  I was like… did I get mud on me when I went running or kayaking or something and it dried?    But then i picked another one and held it up close to me eyes to get a good glimpse and I COULD SEE IT SQUIRMING AROUND!    I won’t show a picture because it’s gross, but there’s a reason why public lice are called crabs…their shape is different from head lice. Public lice literally look like tiny crabs.   I almost threw up and I ran to the doctors.

 

So yeah…I was a lice factory for about month and didn’t even know it, which gave the lice all the time in the world to breed and wander onto my legs and oh the joy! 

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So here’s where I’m at now:  I’m feeling so ashamed of myself.  I know I can better than this.  Having sex with any person willing to be fucked?   Also, mentally this isn’t good either.  Someone a long time ago once said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  And thats what I’ve been doing.   And I’ve been doing it out of desperation because I didn’t respect or believe in myself enough.

 

But now it’s time to.   I’m so tired of feeling like I’m worth nothing.  I’m tired of believing that all I’m worth is some gross guy on grindr who wants a random hookup.   Because I am better than that.  I am worth more.  

I
CAN
BE
BETTER
GOD
DAMMIT!

 

I need to believe in my writing and believe that I have talent and that people will want to read what I write.

I need to believe that I am an attractive person both inside and out and am worthy of love.

I need to believe that my life is far from over.  In fact, the good stuff is still to come!

I need to believe that my life matters.

And I want all of you to believe that too.  I think we all matter.  And I firmly believe that people who have been through things are actually the most capable of creating change in this world.  We know pain.  We know sorrow.  And that knowledge and emotional depth makes all of us valuable.   

 

And if were going to take this back to Harvard and Legally Blonde, then let’s remember Elle Woods.  That bitch didn’t change herself.  She walked into law school in a fucking pink skirt and chihuahua and then rocked that shit out harder than anyone else.              So, fuck the Vivian Kensigntons of the world, we need more Elle Woods.

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So, that’s where I’m at.  I think I’ve had another breakthrough in my emotional health.  I think I’ve finally seen more of the depths of how much I actually hate myself.  And now, it’s time to change that.  it’s time to let the real me shine.  It’s time to be myself and not be ashamed of that.  We all must have courage and faith in our abilities.  We all need to remember that we are awesome.

Alright, Elle, how bout you give us some final words of wisdom:

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~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

America, It’s Time To Leave Kathy Griffin Alone

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Dear America,

You have bought right into the relentless, manipulative, and hateful zeitgeist of present-day America.  And I’m sorry to tell all of you, but it pisses me the fuck off that you’re that stupid.

 

So what is this image that has shocked, horrified, and nauseated America?  It’s been called vile, disgusting, and many say it has apparently “crossed the line”.    So here it is:

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Yes people, that’s right.  A cheap Halloween mask and corn syrup.  This is apparently what has horrified all of you?

 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

 

Are you people 10 years old?   If these kinds of cheap theatrics terrify you then how do you sit through any PG-13 movie these days without hopping on twitter to talk about how realistic and vile it was?

Now I know what you’re all saying: some kind of “blah blah blah but it’s about our President…” or “It was a call to assassinate Trump” or whatever cheap excuse you people have.

But we all know that isn’t true.  You saw that it was trending in the media to bash Kathy Griffin, so you all did it so your feed could trend too.   Donald Trump is the one always bitching about a “witch hunt” and congrats America, he started one and you all bought into it.  You focused your hatred of the world into one woman for no reason other than some mild form of mass hysteria.

And where is everyone now?  Hmmmm?  All you people who were so concerned that this image was a call to violence…suddenly, now that Kathy Griffin has held a press conference stating that she is getting detailed, in-depth death threats…  Suddenly Twitter has gone silent.  It seems America doesn’t seem so outraged by violence 3 days later.

And furthermore America, 2 main point here:

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First.  Art is art.  Free speech is free speech.  And artists are artists.   What this was by Trump wasn’t a sudden ideological stance on violence and gore.  He was pissed that it was an image of him.  And then a message was sent to the world through him and conservative media:  Don’t fuck with Trump or we will tear you to shreds

And somehow the liberal media jumped on the bandwagon as well.  CNN, Anderson Cooper, Huffington Post, New York Post, Chelsea Clinton.  Everyone seemingly JUST HAD TO MAKE THEIR VOICE HEARD that they condoned violence…and they all used Kathy Griffin as the punching bag to convey this message, which obviously only made the Trump team oh-too-happy.

Silencing people who make offensive art against our current administration will not make this country better or more peaceful.  What it will do however, is spread a message not dissent against the way things are.   We are teaching people to be silent and not stand up against an administration that NEEDS TO BE STOOD UP TO.

 

Secondly, let’s talk about Trump and conservatives.

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Does anyone remember when a black church in the south was set on fire and the words “VOTE TRUMP” was spray painted on it?   Were all of you just at work that day? Were you all too busy to tweet up a storm about that?  I mean if were going to talk about a vile and disgusting act…

 

Or how about the 2 FUCKING MURDERS THAT HAPPENED IN PORTLAND LAST WEEK?

Kathy Griffin was a more worthy target to bash?  Are you people insane?

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Or how about the hate crime where a man ran his truck over someone and killed him because of his race?  This news story went largely under the radar because it happened so soon after the Portland murders

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/young-father-killed-truck-driver-hate-crime-article-1.3206515

 

Or how about the stabbing in Maryland that happened recently?

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The white man on the right, who belonged to a white supremacist group on facebook somehow believes he was superior to the man on the left because of his race.   WHERE WERE YOU TWITTER TROLLS THEN?

 

Point is, the Kathy Griffin scandal blew up because conservatives are crazy and are DESPERATE to believe that they are oppressed by liberals.  They are angry and uneducated and suffer from a severe case of cognitive dissonance.  If Trump and Fox News says there is literally anything to be outraged about, conservatives will devote their time to being outraged to it.  They are the most desperate of sheep.

 

And on that note… are any of you paying attention to the Trump administration?  Are you watching as they are removing funding for the sciences, national parks, healthcare, education, women’s rights…well civil rights off all kinds, and the insane level of hate he inspires in our country?    If you all want to take a moral high ground and be raging about something realize where the anger should go…

 

Get your head in the game people,

~ The Dark Horse

…and no, this wasn’t proofread.  This was written out of a mix of passion and anger.

THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION: A Primer

Law of Attraction

 

Alright bitches listen up.   This is Law Of Attraction 101.  Sit down and buckle up buttercup cuz were in for one hell of a ride.

The other day I saw a comment from someone who told me about the law of attraction.  Now, the law of attraction isn’t a new concept to me and probably isn’t to any of you out there.  But, it’s something I feel we often forget about or don’t think about and remember enough.  So let’s jump right in!

The principle of the law of attraction is that thoughts, intentions, and beliefs are forms of energy.  And like energies attract to each other.  So for all y’all non-science folk out there, what this means is:

If you think and create a positive atmosphere, you shall receive more positives.  If you create a negative atmosphere, you shall receive more negative.

So, to all my homies out there with depression and anxiety (what! what!) This is SUPER BAD NEWS FOR US because we have a tendency to get lost in the negative and are unable to come out of it.  And you know what DOUBLE SUCKS? A lot of us out there have good reason to be the way we are.  A lot of us have been trampled on by others.  We’ve been treated unfairly.  Perhaps have been through traumatic experiences that haunt us.   So managing to produce positivity into the world is a lot fucking harder said than done.

 

But lets all be real here…

law1

 

If these two fuckers can do it, then so can we.

 

Yeah Pierce Brosnan, enjoy your happy-ever-after you lucky bastard…  Ok ok ok wait.  This is wrong.  I need to be positive and happy.   Must produce good will amongst men and whatnot.

How about this chart?  Let’s see if this helps:

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Ok nowhere on this chart does it say that I have to be happy for Pierce Brosnan…

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Ok but lets be real here.  We need to remember to focus on the good in life.  On something big and meaningful. something good!  And then you need to try and achieve those goals with the most honest and kind intentions you can muster.   Even if others treat you poorly, don’t then also treat others poorly, because all you’re doing is creating another unhappy person on this planet.

 

Still don’t believe me?  Well let’s just see what some other people have to say…

 

 

Ever hear of a little fellow named Albert Einstein?

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How about a certain someone named Buddha?

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Or maybe a man named Pierce Brosn…..what wait what?

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Dammit Brosnan!  get out of my damn blog post!  …altought, great quote.

 

So there ya go people.  Just remember.  Produce good.  Receive Good.

 

The Dark Horse

 

I Lost A Friend The Other Day (He Didn’t Die…We’re Just Not Friends Anymore…Sorry For Coming Off So Dramatic)

dan

 

So yeah, I lost a friend the other day.  It really sucks.  Basically I made a really good friend in New Zealand.   He was there for me a lot, and the times that he wasn’t, I can’t blame him.   When I hit a depressive streak I become insanely reclusive.

Before I left New Zealand, I traveled with him throughout Southeast Asia and it was one of the greatest times of my life.  Those are some memories I will never ever forget.

Sadly though, like all great heroes in Greek storylines, he had a tragic flaw:

 He was eternally stuck as a selfish little boy deep down.  

Now throughout our friendship I would see this from time to time.  For example, while on the trip in Asia at one point her literally said something like, “Ugh…Bali is so boring. I was literally just here 2 months ago with my other friend”.

YES PEOPLE, LET THAT SINK IN:

BALI IS BORING BECAUSE I WAS JUST HERE 2 MONTHS AGO…Seriously?  

 

For those of you who don’t know, this is Bali:

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But apparently going here too much is just such a burden for certain people.

 

 

Anyways, I let a lot of what he said slide by because, as I have openly stated in my blog many times, I’m not perfect.  Far from it actually.   I Have fucked up so much in my past.  I have failed over and over again.   So who am I to judge I would tell myself?

 

Anyways, he really liked me.   He always wanted to be my boyfriend.   And for a while I thought maybe I wanted to be his boyfriend too.  He can be such a kind person when he wants to be.  Like when I would get sick he would order food for me.  It was always great to just have some delivery man come to my door with dinner because having the flu sucks.  And Having flu when you’re stressed and depressed is fucking horrible.   

But as time went on, his immaturity and ungrateful nature became a massive turn-off for me.  I, being someone who has really always had to fight for everything on my own, and never had people there for me, just couldn’t grasp how someone like him, someone talented, with friends, and who has a good job could still be so ungrateful.

 

Then, a few months ago a new low was hit.  I remember talking to him while I was really down.  Worried about my future, regretful of my past, and completely alone in New Zealand while he was back home in Malaysia

 

He said something like, “You know I’m really depressed too…”

 

And I was like, “Dude, stop being depressed.  You have a friends.  Friends that you’ve had for a long time.  I’d kill for that in my life.  You also have a good job that pays well that you’re good at.   You literally have talent.  Talent so good that people pay you to do what you do!  And your job allows you travel whenever and wherever you want!  If I had the resources of your life I’d use them to their full advantage! ”

And he literally responded with:

“Yeah but I want you.  And if I can’t have you then nothing else in my life matters”

 

YES.   What a douche, I know.

 

And I was like,  “….I’m sorry but do you understand how hard it is for me to hear you say that?  I’m someone who has ALWAYS struggled to make and keep friends.   You know how much it hurts for me to be alone.  And yet you’re going to compare the fact that you can’t have me to the fact that I’m always on my own?”

 

I was literally disgusted.  So I told him I would would never ever be able to love him or be in a relationship with him and that in that moment I genuinely hated him.

 

However, in the last few months (After not talking for a few months) we have been stable friends.  Texting and showing each other support for each other.  In fact he told me he had a boyfriend back in Malaysia and I was so happy for him!  I was glad he had someone since it’s what he always wanted.

But then a few weeks ago he was like, “I don’t even like my boyfriend, I still want you.  And one day I’ll have you”.

CREEPER ALERT PEOPLE, CREEPER ALERT!  We Have a Creeper On The Prowl

And I said,”You can’t do that to him.  It’s wrong, and you’re hurting him”.

 

And he responded with, “I don’t even care if I hurt him.  You’ll be mine someday”. 

Ok so,

1.)  Thank God he doesn’t know where I live.  Cuz….WTF

2.)  Again, as someone who has been bullied a lot and who doesn’t have people there for me, I’m very much against hurting people.  Something a friend should have known about me.

3.) WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?  Who willingly hurts and leads people on?

 

So anyways, friendship over.  Ive blocked him in all forms of communication and I’m done.

 

So what now?  Where do I go from here?  What does this say about me? And about the types of people I hang around?

Personally, I think I need to focus on the future and on the positives.   Like,

 

 

 

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IM BACK IN SCHOOL!  Im doing a Masters Program and have gotten involved on campus and have joined clubs and are making some friends.  Some that are very successful and that I think are insanely smart. 

 

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Im writing!  I’m actually going for my dreams.  I’m determined to make something of my life, and tonight I’m going to a writing group on campus, so again, more chances to make friends! 

 

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Its March!  Which means Spring and Summer are on the way!   So I can get out and explore, and hopefully meet some cool people!!!!

 

 

So that’s what I’m doing.  Do any of you guys have any advice on what to do when you hit some roadblocks in life?  And if not, hopefully I gave some ideas for you guys as to what to do when you hit a roadblock.  I guess the main, is keep your eye towards the future.  Look at where you want life to go, not where it’s been.

 

 

Thanks for reading,

~ The Dark Horse

PS….this was soooooo not proof read.   sowwyz!

 

 

Working Hard Is Hard With Depression And Anxiety

work

 

So, I’ve recently started writing a book!   It’s crazy exciting and I’m loving writing it.  But there is still the depression and anxiety looming over me.  It’s something that doesn’t just go away overnight.

 

I’m still getting all those fun thoughts like, “But what if this book isn’t good?”, “What if I have no talent?”, and “Maybe I’ll never amount to anything”.

Does anyone get similar thoughts sometimes?

 

Yeah,  depression and anxiety are a bitch.   But you know what, they won’t just go away.  They are tricky little fuckers to get rid of.  But with patience, practice, and perseverance we can overcome these obstacles.

Now granted, I can’t speak for everyone.  But for me, I know I have gotten better over the years, and the reason why is because I have worked really hard.   And yes, I have days when I think the world is horrible and I don’t want to get out of bed. I have days when I feel everyone is out to get me. I have days when I’m convinced I’m destined to do nothing but fail until the day I die. But at the same time i realize that in life we don’t have many choices.

I mean think about it.  You can either: kill yourself, live a miserable and depressed life until you die, or fight fight fight to make things better.

Pop Culture Icons Struggling to Survive

 

And options 1 and 2 ARE NOT THE ONES YOU WANT TO CHOOSE.

So, here is what I’m doing right now.   I’m continuing to write my book.  It is my book.  I love writing it, and I’m having a blast creating a story and the characters.  So even if it never gets published, or if i’m told it’s complete shit, I will always have the good memories of making the story.

I’m sending the book out to people.  Reaching out to people is important when writing.  T get good feedback and ideas.  PLUS, when it comes to depression and anxiety it’s always good to make sure not to isolate yourself!  So, I’m having a professor read it, my therapist is reading it, and I’ve contacting some of my favorite authors and asked them to read it too!

I’m considering it a hobby as well as a dream.  So yes, this book may never be published. It could suck.  It could be complete shit, but you know what, at least I spent this time doing something rather than hiding under my bed crying about how much I just want an asteroid to crush into Earth and kill everyone like I used to…yes. I’m being serious.  With how I was treated growing up, I used to want nothing more than to watch the world die.

 

So let’s review people.  This is my experience, so it won’t mirror yours exactly, but I feel with depression and anxiety we all have relatable experiences.

 

 

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1.)  Remember to keep doing things you you love,  even if it’s for nothing more than the fact that it is fun.

 

 

 

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2.)  Remember, to keep getting out in the world…even if it doesn’t always go well, and trust me from experience, it WONT always go well.  But it’s still worth it!  Let’s all make some friends!

 

 

 

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3.)  Remember to chill out.  Things won’t always work out.  But as long as you enjoyed the ride, the destination doesn’t matter so much.

 

 

~ Let’s live our lives people!

 

The Dark Horse