Category Archives: stress

I Lost A Friend The Other Day (He Didn’t Die…We’re Just Not Friends Anymore…Sorry For Coming Off So Dramatic)

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So yeah, I lost a friend the other day.  It really sucks.  Basically I made a really good friend in New Zealand.   He was there for me a lot, and the times that he wasn’t, I can’t blame him.   When I hit a depressive streak I become insanely reclusive.

Before I left New Zealand, I traveled with him throughout Southeast Asia and it was one of the greatest times of my life.  Those are some memories I will never ever forget.

Sadly though, like all great heroes in Greek storylines, he had a tragic flaw:

 He was eternally stuck as a selfish little boy deep down.  

Now throughout our friendship I would see this from time to time.  For example, while on the trip in Asia at one point her literally said something like, “Ugh…Bali is so boring. I was literally just here 2 months ago with my other friend”.

YES PEOPLE, LET THAT SINK IN:

BALI IS BORING BECAUSE I WAS JUST HERE 2 MONTHS AGO…Seriously?  

 

For those of you who don’t know, this is Bali:

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But apparently going here too much is just such a burden for certain people.

 

 

Anyways, I let a lot of what he said slide by because, as I have openly stated in my blog many times, I’m not perfect.  Far from it actually.   I Have fucked up so much in my past.  I have failed over and over again.   So who am I to judge I would tell myself?

 

Anyways, he really liked me.   He always wanted to be my boyfriend.   And for a while I thought maybe I wanted to be his boyfriend too.  He can be such a kind person when he wants to be.  Like when I would get sick he would order food for me.  It was always great to just have some delivery man come to my door with dinner because having the flu sucks.  And Having flu when you’re stressed and depressed is fucking horrible.   

But as time went on, his immaturity and ungrateful nature became a massive turn-off for me.  I, being someone who has really always had to fight for everything on my own, and never had people there for me, just couldn’t grasp how someone like him, someone talented, with friends, and who has a good job could still be so ungrateful.

 

Then, a few months ago a new low was hit.  I remember talking to him while I was really down.  Worried about my future, regretful of my past, and completely alone in New Zealand while he was back home in Malaysia

 

He said something like, “You know I’m really depressed too…”

 

And I was like, “Dude, stop being depressed.  You have a friends.  Friends that you’ve had for a long time.  I’d kill for that in my life.  You also have a good job that pays well that you’re good at.   You literally have talent.  Talent so good that people pay you to do what you do!  And your job allows you travel whenever and wherever you want!  If I had the resources of your life I’d use them to their full advantage! ”

And he literally responded with:

“Yeah but I want you.  And if I can’t have you then nothing else in my life matters”

 

YES.   What a douche, I know.

 

And I was like,  “….I’m sorry but do you understand how hard it is for me to hear you say that?  I’m someone who has ALWAYS struggled to make and keep friends.   You know how much it hurts for me to be alone.  And yet you’re going to compare the fact that you can’t have me to the fact that I’m always on my own?”

 

I was literally disgusted.  So I told him I would would never ever be able to love him or be in a relationship with him and that in that moment I genuinely hated him.

 

However, in the last few months (After not talking for a few months) we have been stable friends.  Texting and showing each other support for each other.  In fact he told me he had a boyfriend back in Malaysia and I was so happy for him!  I was glad he had someone since it’s what he always wanted.

But then a few weeks ago he was like, “I don’t even like my boyfriend, I still want you.  And one day I’ll have you”.

CREEPER ALERT PEOPLE, CREEPER ALERT!  We Have a Creeper On The Prowl

And I said,”You can’t do that to him.  It’s wrong, and you’re hurting him”.

 

And he responded with, “I don’t even care if I hurt him.  You’ll be mine someday”. 

Ok so,

1.)  Thank God he doesn’t know where I live.  Cuz….WTF

2.)  Again, as someone who has been bullied a lot and who doesn’t have people there for me, I’m very much against hurting people.  Something a friend should have known about me.

3.) WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?  Who willingly hurts and leads people on?

 

So anyways, friendship over.  Ive blocked him in all forms of communication and I’m done.

 

So what now?  Where do I go from here?  What does this say about me? And about the types of people I hang around?

Personally, I think I need to focus on the future and on the positives.   Like,

 

 

 

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IM BACK IN SCHOOL!  Im doing a Masters Program and have gotten involved on campus and have joined clubs and are making some friends.  Some that are very successful and that I think are insanely smart. 

 

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Im writing!  I’m actually going for my dreams.  I’m determined to make something of my life, and tonight I’m going to a writing group on campus, so again, more chances to make friends! 

 

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Its March!  Which means Spring and Summer are on the way!   So I can get out and explore, and hopefully meet some cool people!!!!

 

 

So that’s what I’m doing.  Do any of you guys have any advice on what to do when you hit some roadblocks in life?  And if not, hopefully I gave some ideas for you guys as to what to do when you hit a roadblock.  I guess the main, is keep your eye towards the future.  Look at where you want life to go, not where it’s been.

 

 

Thanks for reading,

~ The Dark Horse

PS….this was soooooo not proof read.   sowwyz!

 

 

Working Hard Is Hard With Depression And Anxiety

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So, I’ve recently started writing a book!   It’s crazy exciting and I’m loving writing it.  But there is still the depression and anxiety looming over me.  It’s something that doesn’t just go away overnight.

 

I’m still getting all those fun thoughts like, “But what if this book isn’t good?”, “What if I have no talent?”, and “Maybe I’ll never amount to anything”.

Does anyone get similar thoughts sometimes?

 

Yeah,  depression and anxiety are a bitch.   But you know what, they won’t just go away.  They are tricky little fuckers to get rid of.  But with patience, practice, and perseverance we can overcome these obstacles.

Now granted, I can’t speak for everyone.  But for me, I know I have gotten better over the years, and the reason why is because I have worked really hard.   And yes, I have days when I think the world is horrible and I don’t want to get out of bed. I have days when I feel everyone is out to get me. I have days when I’m convinced I’m destined to do nothing but fail until the day I die. But at the same time i realize that in life we don’t have many choices.

I mean think about it.  You can either: kill yourself, live a miserable and depressed life until you die, or fight fight fight to make things better.

Pop Culture Icons Struggling to Survive

 

And options 1 and 2 ARE NOT THE ONES YOU WANT TO CHOOSE.

So, here is what I’m doing right now.   I’m continuing to write my book.  It is my book.  I love writing it, and I’m having a blast creating a story and the characters.  So even if it never gets published, or if i’m told it’s complete shit, I will always have the good memories of making the story.

I’m sending the book out to people.  Reaching out to people is important when writing.  T get good feedback and ideas.  PLUS, when it comes to depression and anxiety it’s always good to make sure not to isolate yourself!  So, I’m having a professor read it, my therapist is reading it, and I’ve contacting some of my favorite authors and asked them to read it too!

I’m considering it a hobby as well as a dream.  So yes, this book may never be published. It could suck.  It could be complete shit, but you know what, at least I spent this time doing something rather than hiding under my bed crying about how much I just want an asteroid to crush into Earth and kill everyone like I used to…yes. I’m being serious.  With how I was treated growing up, I used to want nothing more than to watch the world die.

 

So let’s review people.  This is my experience, so it won’t mirror yours exactly, but I feel with depression and anxiety we all have relatable experiences.

 

 

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1.)  Remember to keep doing things you you love,  even if it’s for nothing more than the fact that it is fun.

 

 

 

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2.)  Remember, to keep getting out in the world…even if it doesn’t always go well, and trust me from experience, it WONT always go well.  But it’s still worth it!  Let’s all make some friends!

 

 

 

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3.)  Remember to chill out.  Things won’t always work out.  But as long as you enjoyed the ride, the destination doesn’t matter so much.

 

 

~ Let’s live our lives people!

 

The Dark Horse

Life Really Can Get Better. You Just Need To Try (God, It Sounds Cliche, But It Works)

dave

 

So, this is super annoying, but my life is quickly getting better.  Like, so quickly it’s actually making me mad.  I’m mad that I sat in a shell for so long.  That I feared life.  That I doubted myself.  That I didn’t take risks and go out a limb simply because I believed others when they said I was worth nothing.

 

So for anyone who is reading this blog for the first time, I just started taking classes at Harvard last month.  Im brand new to Boston.  And yet in this one month I have started classes, Ive started writing a novel, and I just got offered a job to write the social media for a company here…. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?  

WHAT

THE 

FUCK?

 

Why Didn’t I decide to start writing a novel sooner?  Ive been blogging for like 3 years.  It isn’t like I haven’t had the desire to write.   In fact I’ve had story ideas just sitting in my mind for years.  What have I been doing?

 

Is it possible that things can go well?  That maybe the world is colorful? 

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That maybe the bad guys don’t win at the end?  

I’m still just so fucking annoyed that I sat and believed for so long that nothing good could ever happen to me.  I believed with ALL OF MY HEART that I wasn’t worth anything.  That I failed because I deserved to fail.   That I was just better off dead.   That was the only reason I could think of as to why people kept telling me I was worth nothing.

But you know what, maybe there are other reasons?

~ Maybe because I decided to be myself and not follow the norm, the road wasn’t paved with signs telling me where to go… well the road wasn’t even paved.   Thats just part of being different.

~ Maybe people felt jealous or threatened that I wanted more for my life than a boring 9-5 where I had to drink my weekends away just to cope.

~ Maybe all those failures kept showing me what paths not to go down.  Maybe they were learning experiences?  Maybe thats just life process of anyone who follows the beat of their own drum?

So what can I say to you people who are reading this? 

Well for starters. Don’t give up.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.

Don’t listen to the people who put you down.  This world is full of hateful people.  They have their issues and reasons as to why they’re such assholes, and none of them should matter to you.  let them go rot in their own filth.  Don’t become one of them.

Remember that you’re talented and smart and can do anything.  Any of us who go trough the day with depression, anxiety, or any other mental problems are so strong.   We have to deal with the shit the common man can’t even comprehend. So remember, if you have the strength to get out of bed, you have the strength to change the world.

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This world can be bright and colorful.  Just like the picture above.  We just need to remember to rock shit out, and never take no for an answer.

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Life is short, don’t waste anymore of it.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

The Trump Administration (Or, Another Day, Another Protest)

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Oh Trump, when will you learn: America hates you.  

So for the second time in a week we had to take to the streets because our country is being led by a completely insane childlike Cheeto golem.

However, like the Women’s March, I’ll say this day made me quite happy.   The Women’s March was awesome and a complete success, but what made today so awesome was that this literally happened overnight.

Yesterday word went out to have protests and in fact last night there protests inside airports all over the country!   And you thought Christmas was a crazy time to travel…

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People could have stayed home today.   They could have been exhausted from the Women’s March, or the inauguration protests, and some people marched in both!  We could have had protest fatigue, but no.    People, once again, came together for what’s right and what’s good.   And I’m sure next week when Trump signs a law to…. oh who the fuck knows, he’ll probably want to kill all kittens because they get more attention than him or something…. but we will all be there to march again.

 

Trump is always talking about patriotism, and well, here it is.    We as Americans are standing up and fighting.   We are not willing to let 4 years slowly turn this country backwards until we have a chance to make it livable again.   We are fighting NOW.

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Dear Donald.   You’re a joke.  Goodnight.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

The Women’s March Made Me So Happy

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Now, I’m not a woman, nor am I nasty….but for the inauguration I couldn’t be any happier to be a nasty woman.

 

I decided to get to know my new city and my fellow Bostonians by attending the protest… C’mon people!   Trump is the president!  How could I just sit and do nothing?  I had to partake in the revolt!

 

And let me tell you, since the election I have felt like shit.  Getting to know the new America, the one centered on hate, fear, and discrimination has literally been causing me to be stressed, sad, and miserable for months…. BUT THEN, I SWEAR TO GOD, AMERICA ACTUALLY CAME TOGETHER.  

 

Trump did in fact bring the country together…just not in the way he would have hoped.

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The Women’s March in DC alone outnumbered the inauguration… and when you combine that with not only the rest of the country, but the protests around the world: From London, England to Melbourne, Australia, we literally came together in the MILLIONS to tell Trump to fuck on off.

 

And I don’t know about any of you, but those feelings of stress, dread, and fear are now replaced with HOPE.    LOVE.    AND EXCITEMENT.  

 

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To everyone in Boston I want to say thanks for being so kind and nice to me, a random loner from Ohio who wanted to march with you guys!  And to everyone around the world who protested on inauguration day and/or the Women’s March the next day, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity.

 

For restoring my belief that the stupid and fearful can’t win.    One of my favorite quotes says:  Remember that The Empire Strikes Back is followed by Return Of The Jedi

 

For all the nerds out there I hope you’re smiling right now, and for anyone who doesn’t understand that that is an uplifting message I say…..Go watch more movies!

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

Republicans Are Making Me So Depressed

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So, as hopefully all of you know, the republicans tried to dismantle the Ethics Committee the other day in their latest attempt to let greed and power ruin everything…..  How? is all I can ask myself.

How has this country become filled with people who support these horrible people.    Here is a question I am constantly forced to ask myself?

What exactly do Republicans want? 

So, in a Republican’s perfect world they would remove the ethics committee so nobody could investigate into their actions.  Then they would get rid of Obamacare and Medicaid, taking insurance from millions of Americans.   Then they would make abortions completely illegal.    They would ban the minimum wage from ever rising. They would legalize guns for more and more of America,  And if the hardcore die-hards get their way they would build a wall between us and Mexico, deport everyone they can find, and force Muslims to register on a Hitler-style witch hunt for “terrorists”.

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WHAT WILL AMERICA LOOK LIKE AFTER THAT? 

Has anyone asked themselves that yet?

Are we trying to create some feudalistic society again?  Where half the population dies from ravishing diseases because the wealthy refuse to help them?  YES! IN MY OPINION ITS TIME FOR THE BLACK DEATH TO MAKE A COMEBACK!   Has anyone thought about how the rest of the world would look at us?   I can only imagine us destroying our relations with every other Western Nation in the world.

 

So alas, this constant shit-show that is America is making me so insanely depressed.    Just watching our government destroy our country, and half of America cheer them on… it blows my mind.

 

And no, republicans…. I’m sorry but this isn’t a perspective issue…. you’re all just fucking idiots.    All the facts in the world show it.  And apparently anything that doesn’t come from Fox News is biased Liberal media…..  Which I’m pretty sure in psychology, the ones who think EVERYONE ELSE is wrong and out to get them, are normally the ones suffering from delusion…. just pointing that one out.

 

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So now Im sure if there are any Republicans reading this they’re probably thinking Im a left-wing nut job…so I’ll drive my point home:

~Most livable cities in the world:  NOPE.  Not on that list

http://www.economist.com/blogs/graphicdetail/2016/08/daily-chart-14

~Happiest countries in the world:  NOPE.  Not on that list

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/top-10/2016-worlds-happiest-countries/

~Countries with the best work-life balance: Nope, Not there either…

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/02/which-countries-have-the-best-work-life-balance/

~ Healthiest countries in the world:  …By now you should all realize, we’re not going to be on ANY of these lists….

http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2015/04/03/24-7-wall-st-healthiest-countries/70859728/

~ Greenest countries in the world:   Obviously, we didn’t make the list

http://www.businessinsider.com/most-environmentally-friendly-countries-2016-3/#has-the-environment-improved-over-the-last-fifteen-years-6

~ Safest countries in the world:   LOL….NOT US! 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/maps-and-graphics/safest-countries-in-the-world/

 

Do you know what is so strange though?  All the Westernized, most liberal countries in the world are the ones who top the lists….. How strange, isn’t it?…. Almost as if liberal policies are the ones that work?

 

 

So republicans, please, you’re depressing me and ruining everything. Just go home and never leave your small-minded worlds ever again.

 

~ Sincerely, the Dark Horse