Category Archives: suicide

Wishing I Could Restart Life

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So I’m back home in Ohio because my visa for New Zealand expired.   Im living back home, on my little street, back in my childhood room, and all my movies and books.

Im working part time in retail until I figure out what to do with my life, but I will say working part time has been amazing.  After 50 hour work weeks for a full year in New Zealand, going to only working 25 has been amazing.   I can take time to go to the gym,  take time to cook from scratch, and take time for one of my guilty pleasures: A nice relaxing bike ride.

These bike rides however have become filled with intense and deep thoughts on life.    You see, at the end of my street there is a park, and next to that park is a high school.  The high school football team uses the park to practice since its a big open space.     So when I go for my bike rides in the park, I bike right past the football team.

 

This has got me thinking:

WHAT WOULD LIFE HAVE BEEN LIKE TO BE LIKE THEM? 

AP AP10THINGSTOSEE- SHAMOKIN SOUTHERN COLUMBIA FOOTBALL S FBH USA PA

What would life have been like to a popular and athletic kid in high school?

BACKGROUND ON ME: Gay, liberal, interested in travel, green-tech, geography, and my dream was to go to LA to be in movies…..

So, as you can imagine, growing up in a high school in Ohio was fucking hell.   I was constantly made fun of, beat up, and nobody would speak to me because it was considered social suicide (Well, they would speak to me if it was to call me fag or tell me that I was going to die of AIDS one day).  My parents were ashamed of me so I couldn’t talk to them.   My guidance counselor at school wanted nothing to do with me (because she was equally as redneck as everyone else) and the only advice she ever gave me when I told her I wanted to go to LA for college was, “Have you ever considered staying in Ohio and going to a Community College?”

** Also, a side note: for anyone out there wondering if I was just a deadbeat, the answer is No.   I graduated with a 4.0 and I did go to LA for college with absolutely no help or support from anyone, so take that Ohio, you bunch of bastards**

But I have to admit.   That experience has always made me wonder: What if everything was different?   Because you see, being strong and brave even when everyone around you tells you you’re weak and pathetic comes with a price.   As you grow up, you become jaded.

That little fucker of an emotion (or thought pattern I guess?)   You see the world differently forever.   Its hard to not view yourself as an outcast.  Its hard to not brace yourself for everything around you to fall apart at any moment.   Its hard to believe that anyone you’re talking to you now would have been nice to you in high school if they would have grown up in your hometown with you then.   There is a permanent stain.  A smear of hatred, fear, resentment, and agony that will never go away.

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Which is why these boys at the park capture my emotions.   As I bike along the path my eyes almost glaze over as I watch them.   I just look at them.   They must be friends with each other.   The school has signs up in the windows where people have painted big letters that say “GO EAGLES!“.    Can you imagine being that popular?

They run and jump and kick and tackle.    Their dads must be so proud of them.  The spitting image of what every Ohio boy should be.   Their fathers get to live out their ‘Friday Night Lights’ fantasies through their boys.    My father never looked at me with pride.   I was always the black sheep of the family.   The one they had to always keep from saying or doing embracing things.    The one that was a hard worker, but had his head in the clouds.   The one who, as my mom would always say, “needed to come back down to Earth and grow up”.

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These guys probably play grab-ass in the shower, fuck the cheerleaders, get drunk at parties, and form bonds that they will have for the rest of their lives from doing all that as a team.  I have no idea what I just said by the way.  Thats just what I see in movies and stuff.  I was never able to be immature and stupid in my life because I was always alone.   I had to look our for myself because nobody else would.   I also don’t know what having a “bond” with another person feels like.   I imagine it must be fun though.  Must make you feel good.   Must make living a lot more fun.

So as I ride by I just stare and imagine.   I think of all the things they must do and how great their youths must be.   Then I like to imagine me being in that situation.    What if I was ever part of a team?   Can you imagine how much fun it would be for someone to have your back?    To wake up and look forward to high school in the morning?      To believe that you mattered?  To even have other people tell you so?

For a few brief moments Im filled with a small amount of joy.   The illusion and the fantasy seems so nice.   For a few seconds in my day I can erase the past and refill it with how I wish it would have been.    Bright sunny September afternoons.   Playing football with all my friends.   Looking forward to the big game on Friday night.    The party that would happen after, and all the great memories Id have forever.

But then I bike on past and its all gone.   And I’m me again.

A 26 year old who just went catatonic while looking at a bunch of high school kids.  Im sure they all think I’m some fucking weird child rapist or something.   Or maybe since I’m 26 I’m still too young to look scary (Im hoping thats the case at least).

But you see thats my life, and thats what its like to be gay.    You always wonder if people think you’re a sick perv.   Why?  Well because I was a gay kid.  In Ohio.   Who was never shown a single ounce of kindness.   Who was always told I was a dirty pervert.   Someone worthy of hell.

My mind is forever stained in negativity.

I arrive back home, go up to my room and feel the weirdness of all my mixed emotions.    The tingling I still have from that brief moment of imagining a happy life.   The anxiety I feel, wondering if they were all looking at me as I looked at them.   The dread I have for my future.   And the sorrow I feel because of how fucked up my youth was.

But you know what, for a few brief minutes in my day, it was nice to imagine a better existence.    It was nice to imagine myself as one of the high school Titans who had it so well.

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~ The Dark Horse

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Suicide and “Its Just A Cry For Help” (But Can You Blame Them)

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How many times have you heard someone say “people who cut themselves are just looking for attention”.   Or, “blah blah blah wasn’t gonna actually do it, it was just a cry for help”.

 

Then people proceed to see it like its something not worth dealing with.  Or that the suicidal person was just a drama queen looking for their oscar winning movie moment.

 

But perhaps we need to look at it from a new direction, and for anyone out there with depression or anxiety or any mental problems you know exactly what I’m talking about:

 

 

Any of you people out there who doesn’t have to go through this, you have no absolutely no idea how much pain we feel.

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When people like us try to talk to normal people, what are we meat with?    The same few lines like some broken record:

1.)  Oh yeah I’ve hard some hard times too, you’ll get through

My dream response:  “hahaha…..I really hope the next time you’re on an airplane it crashes over the open ocean…. ”

 

2.) Yeah my friend has depression I totally get it…..

My dream response: “Well if thats all you say to your friend then I feel really bad for your friend”.

 

3.) Maybe you’re just focusing on the bad?  Have you tried meditating? 

 

My dream response:  (there would be no words, id just grab the nearest share object and go full blown psycho)

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So to all you people out there who just think its all for attention, have you ever considered that maybe when those you know try talking to you and they get those response, maybe they learn to not share things with you anymore?

And maybe when they attempt suicide there are actually one of two reasons?

1.)  They literally can’t stand the idea of living any longer because of how painful it is? 

2.) And this is the one you really need to focus on,  maybe the cry for help was to finally make people around them understand how much the pain they feel really is?  

Ah yes, ever consider that?   Perhaps a lifetime of getting brushed to the side hurts people even more?

Maybe that suicide attempt was to finally make everyone around them make up.   Make them see the pain inside?

And when that happens, please do not respond with “it was just for attention”, or “oh they weren’t really going to go through with it”.  because what that makes you my dear, is a total cunt.

 

And to all of you out there who are feeling like you may try and take your life, or for anyone who is worried about someone who may, plead read on:

 

 

Press play and then keep reading!

 

There are some pretty dumb ways to die:

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For example, this blog would advise to not invite Freddy Krueger for dinner 

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Sadly, movies have lied to us all.  Bears are not like Baloo from the jungle Book. Therefore Poking bears is another idea that this blog would consider a dumb way to die.

 

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Although the idea may sound like the ultimate adventure, this blog sadly informs you to never take off a spacesuit while in the vacuum of space because…well,  its the vacuum of space….

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However, the dumbest way to die is by taking your own life.  Don’t do it.

If you are feeling unstable in any way, even if it isn’t suicidal, there are tons of resources out there!

Check out local helplines that are waiting to speak to you! Just google search “Depression help line”, “lifeline” or “Suicide hotline” and the search results with bring up numbers for your local area or country!

There is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse

 

Living A Life With Purpose (And Not Letting The Common Man Bring You Down)

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Alright bitches lets talk about rekindling our dying flame.

If you’re anything like me, then you’ve probably stumbled across this blog because its tagged under depression, anxiety, or panic.  Or maybe you’re looking for inspiration because you feel different, or have suffered trauma in you’re life, or perhaps you’re just a good ole’ fashioned outcast who doesn’t fit in.   Well honeybabies lets talk about being better and rising about the clutter of the commoner.

Im sure a lot of you see life a lot differently than other people.   You probably have a worldview thats vastly different from normal people.   And I’m guessing a lot of you have probably experienced a lot of pain that the common man won’t understand.

Is this good or bad?

Is this a blessing or a curse?

Whats the point of seeing the reality of the world if it means you’ve had to achieve this knowledge through years and years of pain?   Well I guess it all depends how you intend on using it.

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For me I’ve kind of been growing into myself lately.  And Ive accepted one thing I’ve always known but have never really admitted until recently:

I Value Power.  Fun Is Pointless Without Having Power

 And I don’t mean that in a crazy Hitler-type way. I mean that I want to have an impact on the world.  I want to add value to it.  Like this blog for example.  I love writing these blog posts! Its one of the highlights of my day!  And these blog posts have value.  I love being able to make people smile.  When I get responses from people thanking me for writing a post and saying I made their day its probably the best feeling ever!

So you see, I have fun doing it, and its something that impacts others.  

The problem is that normal people these days value one thing:

FUN.

Especially people who are in their twenties like me.   They just want to get fucked up on drugs, or fucked up on alcohol, or get fucked by a hot person, and then snapchat and instagram the entire night because they also love the sweet sweet drag of a social media-induced high.

Anyone else feel like me and find that lifestyle to be the most depressing miserable existence possible?

Well here’s what we need to do:

1.) We Must Tell The Commoner To Suck It.

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Yes thats right.  We must gain the confidence within ourselves to say fuck this.  Fuck it all straight into the ground.    Most people these days have easy lives.  Very very easy.  Have you noticed how between about 2005-2011 everyone played the “oppression olympics”?   And all the annoying millennials were influenced by rap and hip hop which were very popular at the time and all wanted to relate to the music and everyone wanted to feel like they’ve really “been though shit”…. Yeah… that was a fun time wasn’t it.

And now we’ve been blessed with hipster culture. And suddenly all these people went from playing the oppression olympics to being the “P.C. Bro”.   Now you say anything even remotely controversial and you get a non-stop onslaught of “How dare you disrespect the blah blah” or “Im actually really offended by blah blah” and so on and so on.

…which is really funny because all these insanely mature hipsters are the same people who get piss fuckin drunk, do drugs, and have sex with strangers they met on Tinder or Grindr.

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So yes people.  It is totally ok to say fuck it to anything these people deem as normal or right.  In fact, I encourage it!

2.) We Must Follow Our Own Dreams And Not Be Afraid, Or Fear Failure, Or Feel Our Goals Are Weird.

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I know its hard.  Trust me, Im right there with you.   When so many people tell us were weird, or we do things wrong, or that were weak, or whatever you hear them say about you….it becomes hard for us not to believe them.   I mean, when a majority of people think  it then there must be some truth to it right?

Wrong.

Remember everything we talked about in Step 1.  The commoner is just that, a commoner. They will literally do and believe anything that popular culture tells them to.  Pay no attention to the mindless drones who slave away 9-5 (which really ends up usually being 8-6) Monday through Friday.  Then come home and have a drink or smoke a little pot to “relax”, and live for the weekend.  Those 2 days in their week they can finally act like the children they actually are and can go to the clubs and snort some shit, fuck some people, and gossip about their lives….. and these people have the fucking balls to consider themselves “weekend warriors”.  In reality they’re not warriors of any kind, they’re sheep.  Going with the flow.  Moving where the Shepard tells them to and not questioning.

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Don’t ever let them tell you that you’re bad or wrong or weird or will be a failure.   Seriously, tell them to go fuck themselves.

3.) Discover Ways To Handle The Obstacles That Will Happen

Shit will go wrong.  Lets all be honest here.  Taking the road less traveled will obviously never be easy at the beginning.  We have to learn how to pave new roads before we can travel on them.   Finding ways to cope and grow from the negatives that will happen in our lives is so so so so important.  Because otherwise we become vulnerable to just giving up and falling flat on our faces and staying there.

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See look at this great advice being given to this insanely cute guy…. who is that, Chase Crawford?  Whoever it is ill take his advice any day thats for damn sure.    And if an insanely attractive guy who was born into a rich family can do it, then so can we right?

(crickets) …..

CMON PEOPLE!   YES YOU CAN!

4.)  Never Give Up and Never Surrender

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Remember Galaxy Quest?  Great movie, you should watch it.   Also remember, we’ve only got one life.   Why make it a miserable one?     Never ever give up.

Remember, if you ever feel alone, I think you can do it.   So you’ve got at least one person on your side!

~The Dark Horse

Wentworth Miller (Or Probably The Coolest Depressed Person In The World)

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Ok now Im guessing most of you are thinking one of 3 things:

1.)  You’re saying, “Oh God, another gay, depressed, anxious person crushing on Wentworth Miller….. how annoying”.  To you I say: fuck you cunt.  And then Ill give you a big smack across the face.

2.) You’re saying, “Who is Wentworth Miller?”   To you people I say, (and in my giddiest -little-12-year-old-girl -crushing-on-someone voice)  OMG JUST KEEPING READING YOULL FIND OUT!

3.)  You’re like me, and are already saying, “OMG OMG OMG OMG WENTWORTH!!!!” (And then you melt into a puddle.  The kind of puddle that only Wentworth Miller can melt you into…. well Zac Efron does it too.  And Chad Michael Murray.   And that blonde guy from Twilight…. is that Callum Lutz?  Kellen Lutz?   Whatever, his name isn’t important, only his six pack and jawline are.

Anyhoo, I invite all of you to keep reading.  Especially if you’re anyone with depression, anxiety, panic, or any other slew of mental problems, or even people who are recovering from trauma.    Because Wentworth actually is a really good role model.

 

Ok so lets go back to the beginning.  Wentworth rose to massive fame as the star of the FOX show Prison Break.

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The show shot him up to celebrity status and made him an instant sex symbol.   However after Prison Break ended he started to keep a low profile and almost became a no-name until this picture hit the internet:

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Soon scandal was in the air and he became a joke in the tabloids.

 

However, in 2013 Wentworth began to take control of his life again.  In fact, he even came out in a very brave way.  Russia invited him to attend a film festival.  However, due to the lack of human rights in that country, especially towards the LGBT (LGBTQA?)  (LGBTQAI?)  (LGBTQQIP2AA?)  Good lord, come on gays, we need to get control of our acronym.

Anyways the letter said this:

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Following that letter, Wentworth went and spoke at the annual HRC Dinner and gave an amazing speech.  For the full speech check it out here:

 

In that speech he discussed his dealing with depression, mental illness, and even suicide.  So there it is people, even insanely sexy people like Wentworth Miller deals with the issues we deal with. He discussed about how hard it was to be closeted in Hollywood (which i can imagine is absolute hell) and talked about his struggle to come out.  The one line from that speech that I absolutely love is when he says: “When someone asked me if that was a cry for help, I said no, because I told no one. You only cry for help if you believe there’s help to cry for”.

That line always burns into me so deep and heavily.  I think we all know what its like to cry for help and have nobody hear us…. so after a while, we stop crying.  We hold it in.  We let it grow inside us.  We let it consume us.  We then let it become us.  We end up being the ugly grizzly mess that we tried so hard to eliminate by reaching out to others.

It is at that point that so many of turn to suicide.   That feeling is just too awful.  Too ugly and evil to live with.  And so people decide to not live with any longer.

 

But listen up people, here is where Wentworth made the change.  He opened up.   He decided to make it public.  He decided to reach out for help again.   And THAT IS WHAT WE ALL NEED TO LEARN TO DO.

Lets let that ugliness go.   Lets be better.  We are all pure, do you know that?  We are probably some of the purest people out there.  Why you ask?

 

Well, BECAUSE WE STILL FEEL. We are like children with hearts so big and open they are willing to feel it all.  The intense joys, but also the intense pains.  And unfortunately for most of us,  what we feel most of the time is the pain. 

Thats right.  We have not given in to the modern world.  Having a good body, an Instagram account, and a line of coke at a popular club isn’t enough for us.   We haven’t numbed ourselves down to the level of the commoner.  And people, never do!   I know right now you feel so much pain, but I PROMISE you that being able to feel the intense lows means you can also feel intense highs.

Remember the famous line from Teddy Roosevelt, “For those who fight for it life has a flavor the sheltered will never know”

Ok, now look at this face:

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and look at this one:

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and now look at this:

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This is the face of a man who has been suicidal, depressed, and forced to live a life that was a lie.   And is he still sexy?  FUCK YEAH HE IS!

So what does this mean for us?   Well, its inspiration.   Its proof that even though right now we all feel so old, so broken, and so dead inside…We can come out the other end and actually be healthy, beautiful, and ready to kick ass.

So what shall we do? ….

kick ass of course

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~ The Dark Horse

..Was this proofread?  I think maybe….I was kind of obsessing over Wentworth Miller so not sure how effective my proof reading was… WAIT WAIT OMG IS THAT WENTWORTH MILLER eating Twizzlers?

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OMG, no time to proofread I have to go… um…. take a really long shower!

What To Do If You’re Feeling Suicidal

 

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Ah yes, We all know this feelings quite well dont we? Dealing with depression, panic, anxiety, life trauma, PTSD, and many other life problems can leave us feeling like there is no hope in this world.

So what do we do? How do we continue on? Well bitches, we have two choices.

1.) Kill yourself and end it all (which I think is a horrible horrible idea) Please understand if youre suicidal, DO NOT DO IT.

2.) The other option is to muster though. To fight long and hard and struggle and take the bumpy shit-covered road ahead….. yay!

 

hey hey! dont give me that face! Its worth it i promise!

Life is worth living, and hey, if youre thinking about killing yourself you as may as well do crazy things beforehand right?

Think youve tried everything? Think you have nowhere else to go? Things can only get worse from here?

Well… have you ran away and backpacked Bali yet?

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Have you joined the Peace Corps and saved people’s lives in The Congo?

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Or even something easier, ever tried hanging out with some cute boys? Who knows, maybe they will be nice to you. Maybe youll become frineds. Or lovers? Or maybe at least it will stir up some kind of emotions of any kind inside you?

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The point that im trying to make here is one you may not be aware of and one that nobody will probably ever tell you. As someone who wants to end their life, you literally cant get any worse. You are probably at the deepest and hardest “rock bottom” that a human can hit. So why not do something about it? Have an advetnure? A summer fling? Try something new?

Whats the worst that can happen? Youre going to die? Arent you planning on doing that anyways? Why not try everything possible in this world before you actually consider killing yourself?

And I say this as someone who knows what youre feeling. I know what youre going through. I know how miserable you are. I know how desperate you are. How tired you are. Trust me, ive felt it all.

But listen, this world is HUGE. absolutely HUGE. There are so many places to go, so many people to meet, so many adventures to have.

YOU CANT GIVE UP PEOPLE, COME ON!

So here’s what you need to do if you feel like youre life isnt worth living:

 

 

Find whoever is telling you that your life isnt worth it and slap that motherfucker so hard that an eardrum pops.

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Then get yourself on an airplane because youre going somewhere. Where? I dont know, thats your advetnure to choose. Where do you want to go? Go have yourself an Eat, Pray, Love? Or perhaps have your own WIld. Have your own Under The Tuscan Sun. Your own Best Exotic Marigold Hotel? Or your own Lizzie McGuire Movie (Thats is a great movie dont you dare talk bad about it!)?

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Now take off and go live your life! Do something cracy! Do something new! Try to frind friends! Try to change the world! Try to grow! Do anything to relight that spark inside of you!

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keep your eye to the sky!

 

~ The Dark Horse