Category Archives: therapy

Stop Dreading The Future!

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When you think of the future does it look like this?

 

I know mine does.   Sometimes I lie in bed at night and can’t sleep and all thats going through my head is:

~ Im going to never have a job that makes me happy

~ I will never find friends who like me for who I am

~ I will never be in love for as long as I live

~ Im going to get stuck working 50 to 60 hours a week like my parents and my life will be nothing more than slaving away for a corporation that doesn’t care about me, and my job will bring me no pleasure

~ I will gain weight and be unhealthy just like every other American stuck in the rat race of their mundane fucking lives

~ Everything I find meaningful in life: A life lived to fullest, changing the world, adventure, love, friendship, travel, and being larger than life….it will never happen.  its a dream and nothing more.

 

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Just like Godzilla destroying Japan, after a few minutes in bed suddenly any hope I have for life is crushed, destroyed, trampled, and left lifeless.

BUT WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?

Well I think a big part of it is other people.    When we tell our dreams and hopes to others, for some reason they LOVE TO PLAY DEVILS ADVOCATE.

You:  Hey I really want to write a book about my experiences in life, I think it could really relate to a lot people out there who are struggling.

Others:  Do you know how many books actually get published?  You have a 1 in 100,000 chance.

Is writing really a stable career?

Are you even a good writer?

Im just worried….. Its nothing against you, Im just looking out for your best interest….

You: …..(walks into bedroom and decides to just not live the day because watching a movie under the covers will inspire you more than any actual human in your life will).

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE?  

TELL

THEM

TO

FUCK

OFF

 

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Thats right, be more like Cookie, and put those cunts in their place.

 

For real, think about it.  Listen to any person who achieved great success:  actors, writers, advocates, politicians, ANYONE…. When they give interviews do they sit there and go:

“Why oh yes, I told my family I wanted to direct films and they were always supportive and everyone I ever encountered in life believed in me.  My first day in LA I got a job at a studio because they just thought I was talented and loved me…”

 No.

They give interviews and say things like:

“Nobody ever thought Id be anything more than a waiter.   I was in New York living in poverty for 5 years before anything good happened, and there were so many days when I thought they were all right and I should just give up”

 

Think about this, Steven Spielberg was rejected from the film school at USC…  yeah suck on that USC.

 

 

We control our future.   We have the power.  Not your parents, or your friends, or your boss.   I don’t care if your dream is to be a writer or an actor.  Or if its something like wanting a career change from finance to medicine.  Or if you’re in a dead marriage and you want to better yourself and get out of it.

WHATEVER YOUR STRUGGLE IS RGHT NOW.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

IT IS YOUR LIFE!

 

So the next time you talk to someone and they are telling to

BE REALISTIC….

GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS…

STOP DREAMING….

Just say:

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Did that little shit not take the hint?  Still bothering you?  Still trying to bring you down to their level?  Well just remember you’re the bigger person here.  You are following your dreams.  Sometimes you just gotta smack a ho!

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Alright Cookie, show us one more time what we should do to people who doubt us?

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Damn straight bitches!   Sometimes you gotta show em you mean business.

 

Just remember, its your life.  If your friends and family want to take the safe road and stay in their jobs, and keep their life, and then desperately try to live it up on the weekends because its the only time in the week when their lives are actually theirs…. then let them.

But you don’t have to live that way if you don’t want to.    Chasing your dreams is the most admirable thing you can do in life.  just think what the world could be like if we were all living the lives we wanted.  Think of the innovation we could have, the peace the world could achieve, the excitement that could exist everyday.

 

Live it up bitches!

~ The Dark Horse

75% proofread!   ya baby!

 

 

 

 

 

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When Life Gets Tough, Take It One Step At A Time.

emu

Ugh… yes Im aware ok…. this is the dumbest fucking cliché in the books.   And in general, when people say it I want to go full-blown Hulk and smash things.

Sadly for me…. It actually works and I think a lot of us out there really need to remember it.

 

For me at the moment, my visa here in New Zealand is about to end, and I’m about to take a big trip throughout Asia…. so when I get home Ill only have 1 month left in this country.   In my head all I can think of is:  AND THEN WHAT? 

So then I get consumed with thoughts like,

1.) Do I go back home and save money?  Which means returning to the awful shithole that is my redneck hometown in Ohio…..ugh…. no.

2.)  Save up for grad school overseas? …..Well if I had 28K lying around that would be a great idea….but…. hmmm…..

3.) Do resort work in Hawaii?  ….But really thats a temporary fix…. and will that really add any value to my life? …. ummmm…. ugh…….

4.) Move to Denver?  Seems like a good balance of outdoor life and big city feel…. but ugh….its so midwestern and average…..

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So the answer?   Well remember that we’re always children in some aspect.   Always learning how to live, where to go next, and what to do….. and these moments are one of them.   Baby steps are the key my friends….. ugh…..

fucking baby steps.

 Sadly,

are the key.

Despite the fact that I just want to run, not walk…. let alone walk slowly and one step at a time.

But then I think of it this way, how much fun will my trip to Asia be if this is all I’m focusing on?

Or, Really…… my biggest troubles in life are “will resort in Hawaii add value to my life?”….. I wanna shoot myself because I’m well aware that sounds like a pathetic first-word problem.

And if worst comes to worst Ill go back to Ohio and stay in my childhood bedroom rent free with my parents. Sure, I have no friends in my hometown, and I don’t see eye-to-eye with anyone, but really?   Am I in poverty?   No.

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You know, those of out there with depression and anxiety have a hidden gift… well its a curse and a gift to be honest.   We crave meaning.  We crave to live a real life.  Not one that is just a collection of good times.

We want the real deal.  The kind we see in movies.   Why?  Because we know how empty and void this world can be.   We know what true dread and misery feels like and so we crave to feel the other side of the spectrum.   We want true happiness.

But lets be real here, working at a resort in Waikiki?  I could do worse.    Im an able-bodied 26 year old guy who can get paid to work at a cafe that faces the Pacific ocean….  life aint that bad.

I could be in a wheelchair due to a life-threading illness.   I could be mentally disabled.   Or born to a mother who uses heroin and a dad who is in jail.

True, a waiting job won’t bring me real happiness in life.  I love writing and I love this blog.   But maybe the waiting job is a way to make money while I’m on my way to growing success through the blog.  Maybe I need to start focusing on just one step at a time.

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~ The Dark Horse

Universe, Throw Me A fuckin’ Bone

bone

 

 

Ah, Universe, you fickle little fuck.   Does anyone else out there have those days where, even if you don’t believe in God, you still throw your first skyward and curse that little bastard in the sky?

 

yeah I do it too….

 

And you know what?   GO FOR IT BITCHES! 

Lets face it, when you are the outcast you literally have nobody who wants to hear your bullshit or who cares about your struggles.  So who gives a fuck if you decide to let it out on that man in the clouds.    There are one of two options here:

1.) God isn’t real so you’re not really pissing anyone off anyways

2.)  God is real, meaning he is a caring loving parental figure-thing who is all knowing and probably knows how shit you feel, and therefore probably gladly welcomes you yelling at him if it helps relieve the tension.

 

So why not?     Lets all do it because life is fucking hard.   Especially if you have mental illness, face being an outcast, or are all in life.

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How I see it, that shit is stress relief.

Because lets face it, if we talk to other people the only response we will get is some shit like, “Oh, I’m sure its just a bad day….”

Which makes me want to go:

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Just a little rant from the old dark horse

 

Hope you guys smile today!

 

~ The Dark Horse

(was this proof read?   This pst only had 240 words……of course it wasn’t)

 

 

Fuck Depression, Anxiety, and Panic

fuck

Thats right people.  Join me right now and just scream “FUCK!!!!!” at the top of your lungs!

Life is short.  We only have one.  And yet here we are, lost in our minds.  Lost in misery.  Lost in everything that could have been, should have been, could be, and should be.

But I’m done.   You should be done too.

Depression my dear, look at you.  All old, withered, and miserable.   Well you know what, Im gonna give you the biggest bitch slap you stupid cunt!

fuckit

Thats right people!   Me, and you.  We are better than this.  Were above this.   Depression is us keeping ourselves down due to things that have happened to us.  Maybe it was being bullied as children.   Or maybe you have lost a loved one.  Or have been raped, or any other horrible thing or things out there!  But one thing is for sure:  Giving in to depression is admitting defeat to the past and present.  Its giving even more power to that negativity.

 

Now listen to me closely.

 

 

Walk right up to Depression and smack that son of a bitch harder than you ever thought possible.

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Yes my children rise and fight!!  MWUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!

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Now, anxiety.  You slithering little shit.  You are just our fears gone crazy.    You are nothing.  Your power comes from me.  It comes from the fear I have for everything.   The fear of everything going wrong.  The fear that the worst will always come true.

Now people get into your cars….. start your engines…. and drive that fucker straight into your anxiety!  Roll your windows down and drive at top speed howling “DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH!” at the top of your lungs!  let the neighbors think you’re crazy!

Take inspiration from that astronaut who drive from Texas to Florida wearing the diaper because she needed to kill her boyfriend or something… remember her?  Whats her damn name?…. let me Wiki this quick.

Ah there is it is!  Lisa Nowak. Thats right people, behold your new role model.   This woman drove through 4 states wearing a space diaper (so she wouldn’t have to stop on the way of course) and loaded her car with everything needed for a good ole’ fashioned kidnap/murder scenario.

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Now, if you don’t look as crazy as this woman than you’re clearly not doing it right!   Now drive my pretties drive drive drive!!!!!!!

 

…And then BAM!

 

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Oh dear! It seems that anxiety didn’t look both ways before crossing the street…..well I mean that isn’t our fault is it?  We were just innocently driving down the street right?  (Hey look, I didn’t see anything if you didn’t ok?)

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Oh dear….. So many strange unexplained deaths today.   Moving on…

 

 

 

And lastly, panic.   Ah you.  You. you….you…… so miserable motherfucker.   Like a sadistic child serial killer your main purpose is to cause us trauma.  You love us being scared to death….literally.

Thats right people, panic attacks are when we let all our other issues get to us so heavily that we actually being to think were going to die.  We have very intense that convince this is the end….. well panic, today I have some great news for you.  it is the end! …of you.

 

Hey panic, come over here lets check out this house real quick! ….

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Yeah come on come on!  I think theres children in there!  children who don’t yet know there are problems in the world…. children who aren’t aware of their mortality yet… maybe you should go show them!

Yes….go on!  walk in there….thats right….now close the door….. yea go on!  close it……

 

 

fucking dumbass.

 

 

 

Alright, now lets get to a safe distance….. get in your car and enjoy the show!

 

fuckit5

 

 

 

 

And just remember, if any of you decide to come back…. well Ill have your graves pre-dug for ya.

fuckit8

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Noooooo this wasn’t proof read!   Im busy killing off thing!

 

 

Lets Take The Time To Reinvent Ourselves

strange

So, im sick   (Confetti falls from the sky as women release doves into the air).  When I’m sick I feel like absolute shit.

As if hating my life and feeling like a depressive failure isn’t enough, being sick adds that extra little touch.   You’re too weak and tired to change your life.  Your throat hurts, you can feel what doctors call “post nasal drip” which in reality is literally when so much snot forms in your nose that it has nowhere else to go rather than sliding back down into your throat (its one of the reasons why your mouth constantly has that foul aftertaste in it all the time when you’re sick.   Its because its filled with snot).

The picture above is Jerri Blank.  She is a self described, boozer, user, and loser.  She is the star of the short-lived but highly addictive show Strangers With Candy.   In that show she dropped out of high school as a teenager to become a hooker, a user of all drugs, and a complete blow out.

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Now, at 46, she decides drop her junkie past and to go back to school and restart her life.

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So why am i bringing up this delightful little ex-con and true role model for children everywhere?

Because thats how I feel, and I think thats how we will all feel.

Ive had a rough month.  I made a really intense friendship and sadly he is backpacking and no longer here.  I dropped a friendship that was insanely toxic to me.  I started back at the gym (for the first time in 5 months).  I was tired of my job that Im only working at for the money and have gone part time to look for better things.   All of that on top of the everyday things I think about:  MY PAST AND WHY DID IT ALL GO SO WRONG?  MY PRESENT AND WHY IS EVERYTHING STILL SO WRONG?   AND MY FUTURE:  WILL EVERYTHING ALWAYS BE WRONG? 

Can any of you relate to that? because I think you can.  Most of us with depression, anxiety, panic, or any kind of trauma already live with a life filled to the brim with stress and misery.  So once life throws you a big month….. you’re just bound to sink, and sink I did people… sink I did!

So here I am, worn out, tired, and sick.   In essence, I look and feel like this:

strange4

 

But here is the beauty my friends!   (and I do believe this quote is from the Scooby Doo move)

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If you’ll recall from the Scooby Doo movie, it begins when the team has already broken up and have all been called separately by a mysterious Mr. Mondavarious. When they arrive on the dock of Spooky Island and meet him and hear about the spooky mystery they inform him the team is no longer together and that solving mysteries was in the past.

Hearing this Mr. Mondavarious says: No, what brought you here was your insatiable appetite for a juicy mystery.

Freddy replies with: The truth is, Mr. Mondavarious, Mystery Inc is broken up.

Mr. Mondavarious responds with:  That’s the beauty of something broken. It can be fixed, and therein lies its potential.

 

So here we are.  Broken. The light is a mere dim fickle flicker.  Energy dwindling.   And there is Jerri Blank.  a 46 year old ex-hooker who used to get fucked by donkeys as a sort of “freakshow” act in Mexico to make money for drugs.

So if that bitch can get her ass back in high school, then dammit we can sort our shit out too!

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Thats right people! feast your eyes on our new role model!

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So how do we do it?  How do we get to the point where we can rebuild and reinvent? Well since I’m sick I’m doing a lot of lounging around.  A lot of reading, and watching movies.  And I’m gonna be honest with you….its really helping

 

I don’t know how it is for you, but a good move can make me feel so much better.  It can really help me re-orient myself.   It can make me smile, make me think, make me different.   Last night I watch Tuck Everlasting.   It was so good and was exactly what i needed

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For those of you who have never seen it, its about a family who has found everlasting life, and one girl who find them in the woods and has to decide if she wants to drink from the fountain of youth.

 

In the movie, the father of the Tuck family tells Winnie, “Don’t be afraid of death Winnie, be afraid of the un-lived life”.

For years that line has always been in my head because I think that is my fear.  I watch my life drift away rather than actually living it.  Im a prisoner to my mind rather than the controller of it .

 

So I know this has been a long post.  To recap remember,

~ YOU CAN DO IT!

~ DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!

~ RETHINK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR VALUES AND THEN THINK IF YOURE LIVING BY THEM

~RELAX AND HAVE FUN!

 

Alright Jerri Blank give us a good inspirational quote to go out on!

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strange11

 

….wow thanks for not being helpful at all.

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..dammit Jerri!

~ The Dark Horse

Making Friends When You Have Anxiety and Depression (Or, You Are The Hunter, They Are Your Prey)

stalk

So, lets talk about being friendless.   There are those of us out there who are alone all the time.  Friendless, loveless, lost creatures.

The reasons why this happens are endless:  Depression, anxiety, addiction, fear, desperation, dread.

But you know what, there is always hope and Im going to lead by example.  I have found a “friend potential”.

Ok, let me set the scene.  The apartment unit next to mine was empty until last week when a cute boy around my age moved in.  I think he’s living there alone right now.  All of our front doors share a big courtyard so I see him walk by my door a lot.

I think this is a perfect “lead” for a friendship.  I mean right?  He’s just moved into a new apartment complex where he doesn’t know anyone. Im relatively new to a foreign country.  We have something in common.  We are in a new space.

Whats that?  You think this is weird? You think this is crazy?  Well hunnybunches let tell you something.  We are weird and crazy.   We are the outcasts, the ones who don’t fit in.  The ones who will always be different.   Its time to get that and use your skills!

I don’t know if we will ever be able to make friends “the normal way”. And because of that we must hunt our new friends like a lion stalking his prey.

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So, if there is one to take away from this post it is that we have to get creative in how we make friends.   Meetup.com  Tinder  Even chatting up neighbors in your apartment buildings.   EVERYONE is a potential friend (well, unless they seem like a shallow cunt, in which case, stay away)  And the reason this is important is because If you’re like me, finding friends in normal social situations is IMPOSSIBLE! 

And I’m just using myself as an example here, but when people are drinking and getting high, I literally can’t become their friends.  Talking about shallow bullshit and the desire to feel cheap instant pleasure just doesn’t appeal to me.

If someone is with other friends who they more than me, and they’re sharing stories of the good ol’ days, I feel alienated and can’t feel comfortable.   If they’re gossiping about people they both know, then I just get mad.

So things like making friends by going to parties or bars and clubs will never work for me.

The issues of my past have fucked up my present.

So, the hunt continues:

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URGENT UPDATE! 

The cure boy next door literally just walked in front of my door!  (Im sitting here blogging trying to make conversation as inviting as possible so I have the front door opened to let the summer breeze in (and the cute boy next door).

ugh, I’m like a little school girl, this is sad.

ANYWAYS LETS GET BACK ON TOPIC PEOPLE!

SO yes lets talk about the plan:  Here is how its going to go.

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step 1.)  Im going to knock on his door and wait for him to answer

step 2.)  Im going to say something like “Hey I saw you just moved in here, just wanted to introduce myself, I’m Keith.  Moved here from America recently….something something something”

Thats a good conversation starter right? 

step 3.) Then depending how the conversation goes one of two things will happen.  Either he won’t want to talk and ill sulk back to my room feeling like a complete fool, a loser, a pathetic piece of shit who will always be friendless.  Ill probably get a pad thai and watch some gay romcom and tcry myself to sleep

or

The conversation goes well.   Maybe he’s alone in a new city just like me?  Maybe he loves movies too.  Maybe he has a weird obsession and fascination with airplanes, roller coasters, and bigfoot like me (don’t judge me bitches)

So the game now is the waiting game.  I need to find the perfect time (Im thinking in the evening? the last thing i want to do is walk over to have a potential life changing conversation and then he’s gotta leave in 10 minutes and can’t chat)

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Alright guys, I’m taking on a big crazy mission here!   If I can do it, you can do it!  Now get out there and make some friends!

~ The Dark Horse

Much like ground beef, the percentage of this post that was proofread was maybe 80/20?