Category Archives: Uncategorized

I’m So Excited for The Holidays, I Can’t Handle It!

kid on christmas

So, I’ve found a new apartment, I’ve gotten my deposit back, and I’ll be moving out of my awful apartment on December 1st. Now, I can finally get back to what I really want to be doing right now… FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS!

OH, SWEET HOLY HONEY ON HIGH! I literally love the holidays so much it might actually be unhealthy.

kristin wiig

Oh my lord. I just can’t.  So, now that I’m a travel a writer, the holidays have gotten EVEN better. You know how every year you see stories like, “AAA released how busy the roads will be this holiday” and “Priceline lists the top Thanksgiving travel destinations of 2019”? Well, I have always LOVED those stories. I scroll through Google news endlessly, all through November and December, reading news about holiday travel. I’m obsessed with the madness! The hustle! The bustle!

And now… I GET TO BE THE ONE WHO WRITES THOSE STORIES!  When I saw the email from AAA earlier this week with their annual holiday forecast, I literally almost died. I was like… OMG this is my dream come true. I finally get to WRITE an article on the AAA Thanksgiving forecast! (They’re projecting about 51 million Americans will be traveling this Thanksgiving!)

 

Oh lord…. this is too much. I’m too excited. I can’t breathe!   Oh no! I’m hyperventilating!

excited SNL

Am I only person who goes on Google Maps, turns on the 3D mode, and then looks at airports around the country, dreaming of the absolute chaos that must be going on inside them during the holidays?

Is there anything better than knowing that after your exhausting day at the airport, you can go home, to food that was cooked by someone else, towels that were washed by someone else, and best of all… now that I live in New York, there is NOTHING BETTER than going to bed in a quiet house on a quiet street. You don’t get silence like that in NYC, so it feels simply magical when I go home!

kristin wiig excited

Oh god, I’m too excited! Ok, I’m going to make myself a chamomile tea and take a warm shower.

~ The Dark Horse

(No, this wasn’t proofread, this was written through pure holiday mania!)

Revenge Part 3: The Shampoo

shampoo

The revenge must continue! For anyone needing a catch-up, here’s what happened: I found out my roommate was overcharging $300 in rent every month. I called him out on it, so he’s kicking me out. I have to find a new apartment by Dec. 1.

So, I’ve had no choice but to get revenge, because come on, what a douche.

This morning, I got in the shower and played Better Version of Me (the unreleased version) by Fiona Apple. It was morning, so I had to pee, cuz I always have to pee in the mornings. So I unscrewed my roommate’s shampoo bottle…

herbal essences

And I pissed into it. Messy? Yes. Gross? Yes. Revenge? You bet your fuckin’ ass.

And if you’re feeling bad for him, remember, since August he’s accumulated $1,200 in profit from me, simply for being my roommate. He isn’t a landlord or groundskeeper. He doesn’t pay for utilities or supplies… he’s just my roommate, who is robbing me.

So, the revenge will continue, all the way until I move out!

shampoo 1

~ The Dark Horse

Revenge Part 2: The Toothbrush

Close up shot of set of multicolored toothbrushes in glass on cl

The innocent toothbrush. After its invention, the oral hygiene of the human race was vastly improved. They’re pretty cheap, versatile, and can be used for so much more than just brushing your teeth…

Revenge is in full-swing against both, my roommate is overcharging me rent every single month, and my other roommate has become a total twatbucket once I decided to call my other roommate for overcharging.

So, this morning… it was glorious out. It’s Veteran’s Day. A holiday. A day for a nice slow awakening, relaxing breakfast, and a nice. long. shower.

I turned up the music in the bathroom so loud that nobody could hear what was going on in there. Before I got in the shower, as I blasted Hold Up by Beyonce, I grabbed my roommate’s toothbrushes…

beyonce hold up

…opened up the toilet bowl, and one by one, dunked them down inside and gave them a nice vigorous twirl!

Ah, the crisp refreshing feeling of revenge.

What can I say? I’m a man pushed too far. I tried to be nice. I even enjoyed living there. I had no problem with either of them. i even bought most of the soap and toilet paper… but it turns out i was being used.

And used I shall be not.

beyonce

Bam, biches!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

REVENGE: Part 1. The Plan

revenge

If you read my last post, you know… I just found out my roommate has been robbing me by overcharging me rent (by $300 each month).

To make matters worse, my other roommate who just moved in is suffering from some weird Stockholm Syndrome shit. I told him that we were both being overcharged (he’s only being overcharged $200 a month) and then suddenly he changed.

He stopped to talking to me and starting getting real chummy with the roommate who is robbing us.  It’s like, since he’s only being robbed $200 a month, he feels lucky or special. Like he’s favored. It’s super fucking weird, and I don’t get it. I’m like, THIS GUY IS STILL STEALING $200 FROM YOU EVERY SINGLE MONTH! YOU DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKER! 

But, such is life… They’ve made their choices.

And so now, the time has come for me to make mine.

And I choose revenge. 

revenge gif

You don’t fuck with the Dark Horse. In the past, I’ve destroyed an apartment and stole my roommate’s PS3 (I was nice and gave it to my friend) for being an asshole. When I was in Shanghai, I pissed in the shower gel of the racist Americans I was there with. In my last apartment here in NYC, when I was living with that crazy Trump supporter, I bailed without paying him 2 months in utilities.

So… I’m just saying, you don’t fuck with me.

But now, I say…

revenge rhianna

I’m devising a plan, and I’ll be sure to keep you informed every step of the way.

And if you don’t think I’m a good person, that’s fine. I’ve never claimed to be enlightened. I’ve never claimed to be angelic. I’ve never claimed to be a pushover.

I can promise that if you don’t fuck with me, I won’t fuck with you. But sadly, this world is full of people who just want to take advantage of you… and so,

arson

carpe diem ya’ little cunts.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

I’m Being Robbed

roommate

So, just when I thought life was getting good. I was getting all excited for the holidays. Work was going well. But then…

Our hot water stopped working.

So, I go upstairs to the unit above me to ask them if they’ve lost hot water too.  We get to talking, and I discover that our apartment units are actually much cheaper than my roommate had told me.  Turns out, he’s been charging me an extra $300 a month.

So, I confront him about it, and he says I either have to pay the higher price, or move out. He feels entitled to upcharge the rooms. He think he deserves my money. He feels no remorse, and I’ve seen him advertising the room on Craigslist, and he’s trying to overcharge whoever replaces me too.

But, is anyone surprised? Would my life go any other way? Literally, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, things go wrong. I get fucked over. I get treated like shit. For 3 days now, we haven’t had hot water, and me and my roommate haven’t spoken.

I’m desperately looking for a new place to live. Once again…

I’m tired. I’m tired of everything going wrong. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of having no on there to help me, to support me, to care about what’s going on.

And so, it’s time to plot my revenge.

~ The Dark Horse

10 Horror Movies You MUST Watch Before Halloween

horror

So, I’m obsessed with horror movies (granted, in post-2016 America, with all the mass killings we’re having having, I must admit that my love for them has been tested… I can’t even watch torture porn like SAW or Hostel anymore, because now it all just seems too real and too sad… Speaking of SAW, did you guys hear about the crazy Russian SAW app that paid people to kill LGBTQ people?) Long story short, no torture porn will be on the list. Moving forward…

 

1.Scream

scream

Oh-Meh-Gawwwwwww!  An absolute classic. All 4 are worth watching, although I didn’t learn to appreciate the fourth until recently. But it’s just the perfect combo of everything you could ever want. It is genuinely scary. It is genuinely smart. It is genuinely funny. It’s post-modern and self-reflective. There is literally scholarly writing done about Scream… that’s how good of a film it is.

scream movie

Also, The Drew Barrymore scene in the first? The Jada Pinkett Smith scene in Scream 2? The incredible Hollywood references in the 3rd? And the never-ending opening scene in the fourth?  CLASSIC!!!!!!!

 

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (both the original, and the 2003 remake)

Texas Chainsaw

The PERFECT horror franchise. The original was horrifying. It was gross and grizzly, and was made with hardly any budget at all…and that made it all the scarier. Then, TCM 2 changed the game of horror, and was one of the first instances of a horror move that used comedy. Even the poster mocked The Breakfast Club. Then, like any horror film worth it’s salt, that was followed by a few films that were just terrible and complete garbage.

However, in 2003, the remake reinvigorated the franchise, and was excellent! The score, the cinematography, it was all just spot on! And then that too was followed by a few films that were garbage…leading to the movie Leatheface which was so bad it wasn’t even released. The highlight of the series? The now-infamous epic dance scene at the end of the original… see it here set to the tune of ABBA!

 

 

3. The Blair Witch Project

blair witch

There is one simple tool you need in your life to figure out if someone is a complete dumbfuck who isn’t worth your time, or is a great person: Ask them if they like The Blair Witch Project. If they say yes, they’re a good person. If they say, “I’ve never seen it,” or “I didn’t get it,” or “I didn’t think it was scary,” THEN WALK AWAY FROM THEM. They are stupid. They have no attention span. They’re not worthy of life. Leave them be in whatever gutter they came from.

blair witch project

Blair Witch is all about the small details. The horror in it is connecting the ending to the beginning, and about picking up on the small sounds and symbols in the film. The entire movie is almost like a series of easter eggs. Also, did you know that when it first came out, a lot of people actually thought it was real footage? PEOPLE, THIS MOVIE STARTED THE ENTIRE GENRE OF FOUND-FOOTAGE! That is incredible!

 

4. Paranormal Activity 1 & 2

paranormal activity

Speaking of found footage, Paranormal Activity single-handedly restarted the genre of paranormal horror. Insidious, The Conjuring, Annabelle, all that crap… WOULD NOT EXIST if it wasn’t for the raging success of Paranormal Activity.

paranormal

Like Blair Witch, PA is all about the small details. It’s all about noticing the small sounds, the voices, the slight movements on camera. It’s another film of small easter eggs that come together to create something horrifying. The best part? When they hear the footsteps and turn on the lights to see that they look like chicken or lizard feet (squeal!)

 

5. Exists

exists

Bigfoot movies are hard to do. If you don’t have the budget for a good costume, or if you’re using awful CGI, or if bigfoot comes off too-human, or too-alien, it’s just a gamble. And that’s why almost all bigfoot movies are garbage. However, Exists is different. When Exists came out, it was finally the movie bigfoot fans were waiting for. It was scary and well-made.

bigfoot

It’s ok to be skeptical. But give it a shot!

 

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street

freddy

One of the most legendary horror franchises around. A Nightmare on Elm Street shook up the genre of slasher films by creating a killer with personality. So far, the leading men of horror – Leatherface, Michael Myers, and Jason – had all been large, emotionless, speechless monsters. But Freddy was animated, thoughtful, scheming, and nefarious. And his personality helped make the movie even scarier.

nightmare on elm street

The franchise is great. The first was terrifying. The sequel was overtly gay on purpose (it was written by a gay man who wanted to sneak homoerotic imagery into a mainstream film) and the cast was also heavily LGBT. The 3rd is known as being another classic, with crazy graphic effects. Then, standard of horror films, the sequels went into the ground (as they should). Until 2003 when Freddy Vs. Jason came out and was AWESOMEEEEEE!

 

7. Hellraiser

pinhead

Pinhead joined the ranks of slasher villains after the release of Hellraiser. A little fun puzzle box actually opens the gates of hell… oops!  Allowing Pinhead and his sadistic friends of the underworld to rise up and claim take humans back with him.

hellraiser

Did you know, Pinhead isn’t seen too much in the first film? But when he is, it’s well worth it! The ending scene grotesque and offensive to a lot of people, which only helped gain the film notoriety.

 

8. Jeepers Creepers 

jeepers creepers

So, before we begin, let me just this about that – Yes, this film was directed by a pedophile who raped a child on the set of one of his other movies. However, when Jeepers Creepers came out, and for many years after that, it wasn’t widely known. In fact, it wasn’t really until the lead-up to Jeepers Creepers 3 (which was AWFUL) that the story got any press.

So, if you refuse to watch this one, I don’t blame you.

cat lady

If you do watch it however, it’s a great film. It’s scary, the cast has great chemistry, and Mrs. Peacock from Clue plays a crazy cat lady. There’s a lot to love in this little horror gem. The move spawned a sequel that was relatively good too.

 

9. Ernest Scared Stupid

ernest

Ok, sure it’s not technically a horror movie, but the trolls in the movie are actually pretty scary. The scene in the bed makes me jump to this day.  Plus, the great Eartha Kitt is in this movie! What could be better!?!??!

eartha kitt

But the best scene…

 

 

10. Halloween (1, 2, H20, Rob Zombie’s, and the 2018 one)

halloween

You should have known this was coming… How could I leave the ever-classic Halloween off the list? It’s insanely scary. The theme song along gives me goosebumps (the Nightmare on Elm Street them is also terrifying).

Plus, this was the real start of the slasher genre. Psycho and Texas Chainsaw laid the groundwork, but Halloween really set the formula into motion. Jamie Lee Curtis is considered the original Scream Queen for her role in the film, as well her career in horror that’s spanned decades.

halloween gif

 

You’ve got some movies to watch!

~ The Dark Horse