Self Doubt. What Do We Do About It?

doubt

So, I’m having a bad day.   Im just consumed with doubt right now.    What if Im not a good writer? What if I have no talent.   Why am I even trying?  Will anyone want to read anything I have to say?  Will anything I say inspire people?   Will anything ever make things better?

 

And so goes the loop of thoughts in my head.  The endless banter between myself and…well, myself.

 

Do any of you out there ever feel like this? Like maybe everyone from your past is right?   That you’re talentless and worth nothing?   That you just suck and should  stop trying?

 

If you’re like me and are depressed, these thoughts can weasel their way in and then it becomes insanely hard to get rid of them.   Its like when you realize there’s an ant on the counter and you squash it.  Then there are two more.   Then four.   Then you look down and realize there is far too many for you to crush with your shoe.

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Well I don’t have all the answers yet, but one thing I do know is to sit on it for a day.   I know that when I have bad days there is really nothing that can be done.  Its basically just over.  All my thoughts will be negative and cloudy and a mess.   But I do know that tomorrow, or maybe in two, or three days, things will be different.  I’ll have a little more positivity.   And then, thats when I can actually figure out what to do and where to go.

 

So if anyone out there is like me right now, I’d say lets give ourselves a pass today.   Go order some pad thai, pop in a really cheesy and happy movie and just focus on being positive.  That is step one.  Ok, ready?  GO!

 

 

No this wasn’t proofread sorry!

~ The Dark Horse

The Women’s March Made Me So Happy

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Now, I’m not a woman, nor am I nasty….but for the inauguration I couldn’t be any happier to be a nasty woman.

 

I decided to get to know my new city and my fellow Bostonians by attending the protest… C’mon people!   Trump is the president!  How could I just sit and do nothing?  I had to partake in the revolt!

 

And let me tell you, since the election I have felt like shit.  Getting to know the new America, the one centered on hate, fear, and discrimination has literally been causing me to be stressed, sad, and miserable for months…. BUT THEN, I SWEAR TO GOD, AMERICA ACTUALLY CAME TOGETHER.  

 

Trump did in fact bring the country together…just not in the way he would have hoped.

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The Women’s March in DC alone outnumbered the inauguration… and when you combine that with not only the rest of the country, but the protests around the world: From London, England to Melbourne, Australia, we literally came together in the MILLIONS to tell Trump to fuck on off.

 

And I don’t know about any of you, but those feelings of stress, dread, and fear are now replaced with HOPE.    LOVE.    AND EXCITEMENT.  

 

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To everyone in Boston I want to say thanks for being so kind and nice to me, a random loner from Ohio who wanted to march with you guys!  And to everyone around the world who protested on inauguration day and/or the Women’s March the next day, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity.

 

For restoring my belief that the stupid and fearful can’t win.    One of my favorite quotes says:  Remember that The Empire Strikes Back is followed by Return Of The Jedi

 

For all the nerds out there I hope you’re smiling right now, and for anyone who doesn’t understand that that is an uplifting message I say…..Go watch more movies!

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

Fight Depression By Living Your Life

going

 

So today was kind of shit.  I had plans to meet up with this guy I had been chatting with on Tinder.  I was hoping to make a new friend since Im living in a new city and don’t know anyone.  Long story short, he bailed and was a complete asshole about it.  And as any of you out there who are loners will know, I went and began going though all the thoughts in my head:

Why does this always happen to me?

What is wrong with me? 

Am I too ugly to have friends?

Too weird to have friends? 

Am I just a complete loser?

Will I ever have friends?

and blah blah blah, you spiral deep down into a hole that seems unbeatable.

 

But then I was like, you know what?  No.  Fuck this bullshit.  Im not falling prey to depression right now.  I just moved to Cambridge, I will not let that happen.

Chattanooga Area

So I got off my ass and went to a coffee shop (oh oh oh by the way, its nighttime right now and its the middle of January, and its cold and rainy… so i really DID NOT want to get off my moping ass and walk outside)   But I did.  I brought my new Bill Nye book, my journal, and my laptop and I told myself I was going to get a nice tea on a cold night.

And I actually feel way better.  I feel like a functioning real member of society, whereas if I was in my room in my bed right now id probably feel fat, lazy, detached, miserable, and like an eternal outcast.

And you know, there are tons of studies that say this is a great way to fight depression.  Simply by going out and doing something… ANYTHING, really.   The goal is to keep yourself from becoming a prisoner to your pain and misery.  The more you sit in your room and fester, the more you’re going to only have the energy to sit in your room and fester.

 

here is a helpful link to give you some more advice:

 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

 

 

Alright people, keep up the good work because your lives matter and you’re worth it!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

Dear Mom and Dad (A Letter They Will Never Read)

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Dear mom and dad, Im writing this because I know you’ll never read this.    I just wanted to let you know that yesterday, after leaving you at the airport, I arrived safely in Cambridge.   I will begin school next Monday and honestly, Im so excited.

 

I know that I never ever tell you this, but I love you both so much.   You guys have done so much for me and have made so many sacrifices.    Granted, we rarely see things eye-to-eye, and I know you guys don’t get me and my dreams.   But I don’t blame you.   We’re just different types of people and thats fine.

As you both know, I move around a lot.  And Its because I’m trying to find myself.   I have this deep need to be better.  To achieve greatness.  To try and take the world by storm.    But at the same time, I’ve been deeply hurt in my life.  From people who don’t get me.  From people who don’t want watch me succeed.    And in part, I suppose I have left their words and actions affect me to much.  Furthermore,  I can tell you both that it does get lonely when you constantly restart in new locations.  And I do miss you.   And I do have times where I just want to hop on a plane and come home.

 

The reason I never mention any of that to you is because I have too much pride.  I don’t want you guys worrying about me.  Fearing for me.   I don’t want you to know that Im not superhuman.   They say that every child has that moment where they realize their parents are only human.  Merely two flawed Earthlings.   When I found that out about you guys it broke my heart, and so I never want to make you two go through that same thing.

 

 

However, there is good news too.  I have really good hopes for this!  I think my intentions of going back to school are pure.  I almost feel a sense of innocence again.  Kind of like how most kids must feel when they start undergrad.  A blind-hope.  Some kind of just pure happiness and a thought things are about to be awesome.   I think I’ll learn a lot at Harvard.  I think I’ll be challenged.  Be bettered.   I have this sense of optimism and hope.  A feeling that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now…. a feeling I haven’t had in a very long time.

 

 

One day I hope that I can make you both very proud to be my parents ( I know you already are )   But still, I don’t feel proud to be me yet… Maybe thats what Im really hoping for.  And thats something Im never able to tell you.  That I feel like a failure.   I feel like a pathetic and complete failure.   I thought I would be so much more at age 27 than what I am.

 

But again, right now I’m feeling good.  Im feeling hopeful.   Im feeling optimistic.  And I just wanted to let you both know how much you mean to me.  How much I miss you every time I leave, and how grateful I am for your love and unending support.

 

~Love your son, The Dark Horse

Change Always Brings Worry, But Also Possibility

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So in a few days I make the move to Boston to start taking classes at Harvard.   Now, moving isn’t anything new to me.    In fact quite the opposite, my constant moving is party what has caused my life to be stalled and feel so “temporary”.

 

But I’m banking on this being different.    Im going back to school.   There will be opportunity in my classes.  Clubs to join.  Professors for mentorship.   Friends to make.    Furthermore, I’ll be living with other grad students.     So there could be a bond there too.    And because I’ll be living in America again  (Which, sadly, seems tragic considering he 4 years were about to have)… but anyways….  that means I won’t have any visa that runs out and forces me to uproot once more.  The people I meet and the life I make here could be with me for the rest of my life.

 

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Ah, but of course….I have depression and anxiety and DONT THEY JUST LOVE TO THINK OF THE WORST OUTCOMES POSSIBLE?  

What if you go broke?   End up alone forever?  Fail out of school?  Get sick and die?  and blah blah blah…. well you know what mental problems, the flight is booked.  The classes are paid for.  Ive already found an apartment….theres no going back now.

So you’re just gonna have to fuck off for a bit, and if you don’t,  Ill fuck you up.

 

Oh hey… depression and anxiety…. can you just stand a little closer to that bathtub with a toaster in it?  …. ya… go on…a little closer… I think there might be someone in it who is happy… maybe you could ruin their life?  Hmm.. sounds fun right???

Ok ok now get in the tub…. yep you’re so close I think you’re about to….

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…Perfect. 

 

 

 

never give up people!

 

~ The Dark Horse

Republicans Are Making Me So Depressed

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So, as hopefully all of you know, the republicans tried to dismantle the Ethics Committee the other day in their latest attempt to let greed and power ruin everything…..  How? is all I can ask myself.

How has this country become filled with people who support these horrible people.    Here is a question I am constantly forced to ask myself?

What exactly do Republicans want? 

So, in a Republican’s perfect world they would remove the ethics committee so nobody could investigate into their actions.  Then they would get rid of Obamacare and Medicaid, taking insurance from millions of Americans.   Then they would make abortions completely illegal.    They would ban the minimum wage from ever rising. They would legalize guns for more and more of America,  And if the hardcore die-hards get their way they would build a wall between us and Mexico, deport everyone they can find, and force Muslims to register on a Hitler-style witch hunt for “terrorists”.

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WHAT WILL AMERICA LOOK LIKE AFTER THAT? 

Has anyone asked themselves that yet?

Are we trying to create some feudalistic society again?  Where half the population dies from ravishing diseases because the wealthy refuse to help them?  YES! IN MY OPINION ITS TIME FOR THE BLACK DEATH TO MAKE A COMEBACK!   Has anyone thought about how the rest of the world would look at us?   I can only imagine us destroying our relations with every other Western Nation in the world.

 

So alas, this constant shit-show that is America is making me so insanely depressed.    Just watching our government destroy our country, and half of America cheer them on… it blows my mind.

 

And no, republicans…. I’m sorry but this isn’t a perspective issue…. you’re all just fucking idiots.    All the facts in the world show it.  And apparently anything that doesn’t come from Fox News is biased Liberal media…..  Which I’m pretty sure in psychology, the ones who think EVERYONE ELSE is wrong and out to get them, are normally the ones suffering from delusion…. just pointing that one out.

 

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So now Im sure if there are any Republicans reading this they’re probably thinking Im a left-wing nut job…so I’ll drive my point home:

~Most livable cities in the world:  NOPE.  Not on that list

http://www.economist.com/blogs/graphicdetail/2016/08/daily-chart-14

~Happiest countries in the world:  NOPE.  Not on that list

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/top-10/2016-worlds-happiest-countries/

~Countries with the best work-life balance: Nope, Not there either…

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/02/which-countries-have-the-best-work-life-balance/

~ Healthiest countries in the world:  …By now you should all realize, we’re not going to be on ANY of these lists….

http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2015/04/03/24-7-wall-st-healthiest-countries/70859728/

~ Greenest countries in the world:   Obviously, we didn’t make the list

http://www.businessinsider.com/most-environmentally-friendly-countries-2016-3/#has-the-environment-improved-over-the-last-fifteen-years-6

~ Safest countries in the world:   LOL….NOT US! 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/maps-and-graphics/safest-countries-in-the-world/

 

Do you know what is so strange though?  All the Westernized, most liberal countries in the world are the ones who top the lists….. How strange, isn’t it?…. Almost as if liberal policies are the ones that work?

 

 

So republicans, please, you’re depressing me and ruining everything. Just go home and never leave your small-minded worlds ever again.

 

~ Sincerely, the Dark Horse