Life After Drugs

 

So, if anyone has been reading my blog, my last post was about me getting crabs… So, that sucked.

Furthermore, the deeper issue is that I had a problem of releasing stress and numbing pain through sex.  You could say I have a sex addiction, some argue that it isn’t real, so argue that everyone is addicted to sex… who the fuck knows.  All I know is that I used it as a tool for escaping hard times…which, to most, would be an addiction.

 

But now the spell has been broken, reality has rushed in, and I’m left asking,

Where do I go from here? 

 

Sex isn’t the same now.  Now, every time I see a random guy, I ask myself… but what if he has crabs? … or worse, and STD...or even worse, HIV?    For anyone out there who has never looked down and seen bugs burrowed into their skin and living off their blood before… it’s something traumatizing.    I don’t want to go back to my old ways anymore.  It’s too gross and too risky.

But now it’s like…what to do?   Without sex to numb my loneliness, do I actually have to go out there and met new people?  Do I have to make friends?  Cuz, I don’t make friends.  It’s just never worked out well for me before.

But, and as fucking horrible cheesy as I know this sounds, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I’ve started joining some groups on campus and opening my Saturday nights doing things rather than meeting random people.

I joined a board game group, which, I won’t lie, has been some serious fun.   I never knew I’d like hanging around the board game crowd so much, but it I have laughed so hard there and it’s been fun and constructive.

I’ve also really started taking charge in the LGBT group Im a part of.  I’ve started taking on more tasks and leadership and it’s been great!  Not only is it fun, but it’s a total resume builder for sure!

 

And you know what…I don’t need a fucking addiction controlling me.  Fuck that. (or i suppose I should say, I won’t fuck that… not anymore)

 

 

So you know what addiction …..

…Go to hell.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

Fight Depression By Living Your Life

 

So today was kind of shit.  I had plans to meet up with this guy I had been chatting with on Tinder.  I was hoping to make a new friend since Im living in a new city and don’t know anyone.  Long story short, he bailed and was a complete asshole about it.  And as any of you out there who are loners will know, I went and began going though all the thoughts in my head:

Why does this always happen to me?

What is wrong with me? 

Am I too ugly to have friends?

Too weird to have friends? 

Am I just a complete loser?

Will I ever have friends?

and blah blah blah, you spiral deep down into a hole that seems unbeatable.

 

But then I was like, you know what?  No.  Fuck this bullshit.  Im not falling prey to depression right now.  I just moved to Cambridge, I will not let that happen.

So I got off my ass and went to a coffee shop (oh oh oh by the way, its nighttime right now and its the middle of January, and its cold and rainy… so i really DID NOT want to get off my moping ass and walk outside)   But I did.  I brought my new Bill Nye book, my journal, and my laptop and I told myself I was going to get a nice tea on a cold night.

And I actually feel way better.  I feel like a functioning real member of society, whereas if I was in my room in my bed right now id probably feel fat, lazy, detached, miserable, and like an eternal outcast.

And you know, there are tons of studies that say this is a great way to fight depression.  Simply by going out and doing something… ANYTHING, really.   The goal is to keep yourself from becoming a prisoner to your pain and misery.  The more you sit in your room and fester, the more you’re going to only have the energy to sit in your room and fester.

 

here is a helpful link to give you some more advice:

 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

 

 

Alright people, keep up the good work because your lives matter and you’re worth it!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

Depression, The Hidden Killer

So I’m back in hometown for a few months…. ugh the raging shithole only gets worse I tell ya.

 

Right now my hometown is going through a really fun heroin epidemic that is caused from people becoming addicted to opiates and then needing a stronger and stronger high.  What is happening is that they’re turning to heroin in desperation for bigger highs and then theyre have overdoses and dying.

good times.

 

So now myBut  hometown is having this massive campaign of like, “end the stigma of heroin recovery”.   “Go find help, people are there for you”.     “Here are heroin recovery stories” and all this stuff…. which look, is great.  I mean if you’re on heroin please get help.  Like seriously, you’re destroying yourself and most likely everyone around you.

 

But at the same time I also can’t help but kind of be massively annoyed.    My hometown is very conservative.   Its a shithole in Ohio.  Most people are republican and the ones who are democrats aren’t actually that liberal.  They’re Ohio-level liberal which is still pathetically moderate.

So where am I going with all this?  Why am i rambling?

 

Well it just boggles my mind how growing up here I was always like, Hey I’m gay and getting beat up all the time for it.  My teachers watch and do nothing.  I really want to make movies and go write books to inspire people to be better.  To help people who are in a situation like mine.  I just really need someone to be there for me. I just need a friend.  A mentor.   Anyone who can see how much pain Im in all the time.   Anyone to make the constant harassment and loneliness end.

And I was just met with,  “Well its your own fault”.  “Stop drawing attention to yourself”.  “You chose to be gay, stop lying, God hates you”.  “You have no talent”.   “Nobody Likes you”.   “you’re not worth it”.

 

But apparently if you’re a heroin addict then my hometown will be there for you.   Stories in the paper about hope.  About not being ashamed to ask for help.   Free helplines to get immediate help.   Stories about asking your family for forgiveness and help.

How is heroin addiction this puffy inspirational story that seems like it was written by the Susan G. Koman foundation?   And yet if you’re actually struggling and begging for help you don’t get it?

 

This is why depression becomes a cycle.   A vicious horrible cycle.   And I have a feeling you all know this cycle as well.   We know what its like for people to not care about us.  We know the story.  You ask for help and you’re told things like, “Oh its just a bad day, grow up”.  Or, “You’re a drama queen”, or whatever excuse the normal human uses to dismiss your problems.   So we adapt.  We stop telling people how horrible we feel.  We stop sharing our feelings.

WE STOP TRUSTING OTHERS

 

Then we go internal.   We are the sole responsibility of our misery and pain because everyone else has made in painfully clear that they don’t want to deal with it.

 

Then people with depression have high rates of abuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, sex and gambling addiction, and even worse, suicide.

 

So dear world:

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE IN NEED OF HELP THAT PERHAPS WE WOULDN’T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS OF PEOPLE DYING OF HEROIN?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T TURN TO ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE PAIN AND THEN RAM INTO ANOTHER CAR WHILE SPEEDING HOME?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND TELL THEMSELVES THAT THIS IS THE DAY THEY CHOOSE TO DIE?

 

Hey, here is a side note to the common human, HAVE YOU EVER EVEN IMAGINED WHAT IT MAY BE LIKE TO ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOURE SO MISERABLE? 

 

So look people there is hope.  All major countries have lifeline and depression hotlines.

Here is a list of lifelines throughout the world  USE THEM!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

 

Don’t let yourself go.  Self harm of any kind isn’t worth it.  I know you’re feeling like people don’t care.  But allowing yourself to die because the commoner doesn’t care about you is terrible…. I mean come on… normal people suck.  They are so Plain Jane.   Don’t let their words effect you.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM, I KNOW YOU ARE

Amy Winehouse And Mental Illness

 

So last night my flatmates started watching “Amy”, the Amy Winehouse movie.   They invited me to watch it with them and a slew of thoughts and emotions flew through my head, including:

1.)  This movie will depress the fuck out of me because it going to hit way too close to home…

which led to the thought:

2.) Because I don’t want it thrown in my face that people’s mental illness can kill them because I already deal with that thought everyday….

which led to the thought: 

3.) Besides all you people loved Amy Winehouse when she was alive and refused to admit she needed help.  You all just kept saying stupid ass shit like “Her struggles made her a better artist”, and you saw her as a tragic hero rather than a tragic human who needed help.

which led to the thought:

4.) And now that she’s dead and she has a documentary, her life is a tragic and passionate story of a tormented soul who slipped through the cracks of society and is now loved by hipsters everywhere……Even though she was clearly in need of help the ENTIRE time she was famous

which led to the though:

5.) And why is that when a celebrity dies from mental illness they become a hero but when a normal person does they become a weak person who was either a drama queen or someone who just wasn’t strong enough for life?

which led to the though:

6.) And nobody cares about me or sees my pain…..

which led to the though:

7.) So I can see why people like Amy Winehouse let themselves go and give in to drugs, drinking, sex, or suicide.   Because nobody will ever care….

So I just said….”No that movie will be too depressing” and walked into my bedroom.

So I’ll be open about this right here and now:  I don’t want to be alone forever.  I don’t want to die a miserable death.  I don’t want to die alone.   I want my life to be full and surrounded by people who understand and support me, and Im not afraid or ashamed to say it and neither should you.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Showing Your Anxiety Where They Can Suck It… With The Help Of Flight Attendants

Aright bitches, welcome aboard. The duration of this flight will hopefully be the rest of your life.  The destination of this flight will be a place called Happiness.  Now we may hit a bit of turbulence on the way.  Not too worry, these planes are made to weather the storm.

And always remember that.  Our planes are designed to weather the storm. (You getting the metaphor here?  Ok, Good!)

Now sit back and please listen so some important safety instructions

So lets start by telling your anxiety to fuck itself.

….Yes. Thats right. I said that.  And You should do it.

The main thing to remember is that anxiety is useless.  This is one of the things I’ve learned so far in my journey.

Yes.  The fear of death is good.  its amazing actually! its what keeps you from jumping off a tall building just cuz.

However, when this fear starts invading all of life itself it becomes useless.  For me, I have really bad health anxiety so I’m always afraid I’m going to die.  I know other people have insane fears of water or elevators, or maybe you have more of a generalized anxiety and so normal everyday things just effect you more than they do other people.

When it comes down to it though, none of these feelings are useful for us so heres what we do.

Kindly inform your anxiety that there are four emergency exits on this plane.  Two in the front and two in rear.  Then kindly push your anxiety out one of them…. but be gentle, the fall will painful enough for it (sinister smile)

Now don’t be surprised if anxiety manages to get back into the plane.  Anxiety has a way of doing that,  Its a pesky strong little son of a bitch.

If your anxiety manages to somehow crawl back into the plain tell it how sorry you are for being mean…

…and then respectfully throw it out of the emergency exit once more.

Now lets start healing ok?  During long flights such as this one called life, you obviously need to do things you love to keep from getting bored.  This can be anything.  I don’t care what your interests are (as long as they don’t hurt anyone).  Do it and do it without shame.  You’re a jock who likes gardening? Go for it!   A Girl who enjoys football? ,,,,ugh… I hate football… but hey, if makes you happy more power to you! ;p

Doing things we love helps keep the anxiety away.  Remember that!

Now, when the plane hits turbulence you may feel a bit panicked.

Yes yes yes….. turbulence is a bit scary.  But listen.  YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!  As my therapist always said don’t let a lapse turn into a relapse.

We will get through just put on your life vest if it makes you feel better and incase we make a water landing….

….but i doubt we will need to.  We are all so much stronger than we think we are.

and always remember the next time your mind creates an image of a scenario that looks like this:

Give it a think.  Is this really how the situation is?  Or is this just our constructed image of it?

Maybe life can be better

Always remember that.  LIFE CAN ALWAYS BE BETTER.   No one is ever lost or stuck forever.  Keep fighting its worth it! 

And if anxiety ever comes again…. well…

turn around like this:

and push that fucking cunt out of the emergency exit.

Fly High!

~ The Dark Horse

Dealing With Constant Setbacks (PART 1)

So far into my move to Auckland very little has gone right.   Sickness, the one friend Ive made here is leaving in 5 days (Yeah, 2 weeks in and I’m already dealing with losing a potential friendship…go me), unemployment, and no place to live.

And now….I think I may be getting sick again.  Sick or just rundown, I’m not sure anymore.

So, I’m thinking setbacks will always be there.   This dream of everything going right; This dream that one day things will be good forever….I don’t think that will exist.

Struggles and problems will constantly be thrown at us.  And especially for anyone out there with depression, anxiety, or panic.   We will always be dealing with problems that nobody else is.  More severe problems.

But what can we do?

Well honesty nothing.

I don’t think our goal is to prevent problems from happening because I don’t think that will ever happen.  I think our goal is to weather the storm.  Our goal is role with the punches.

Might I even say something very cliche and Disney-esque?

Perhaps we need to be steady as the beating drum?

Why fight the whats already coming right?  Pocahontas’s father told her that:

“As the river cuts his path, though the rivers proud and strong, he will choose the smoothest course”  

Maybe we are all just fighting too hard?  Maybe when other people tell us we need to calm down and smell the roses…maybe they’re right?

Should we all just take a chill pill?

~ The Dark Horse