Tag Archives: adventure

Life Really Can Get Better. You Just Need To Try (God, It Sounds Cliche, But It Works)

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So, this is super annoying, but my life is quickly getting better.  Like, so quickly it’s actually making me mad.  I’m mad that I sat in a shell for so long.  That I feared life.  That I doubted myself.  That I didn’t take risks and go out a limb simply because I believed others when they said I was worth nothing.

 

So for anyone who is reading this blog for the first time, I just started taking classes at Harvard last month.  Im brand new to Boston.  And yet in this one month I have started classes, Ive started writing a novel, and I just got offered a job to write the social media for a company here…. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?  

WHAT

THE 

FUCK?

 

Why Didn’t I decide to start writing a novel sooner?  Ive been blogging for like 3 years.  It isn’t like I haven’t had the desire to write.   In fact I’ve had story ideas just sitting in my mind for years.  What have I been doing?

 

Is it possible that things can go well?  That maybe the world is colorful? 

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That maybe the bad guys don’t win at the end?  

I’m still just so fucking annoyed that I sat and believed for so long that nothing good could ever happen to me.  I believed with ALL OF MY HEART that I wasn’t worth anything.  That I failed because I deserved to fail.   That I was just better off dead.   That was the only reason I could think of as to why people kept telling me I was worth nothing.

But you know what, maybe there are other reasons?

~ Maybe because I decided to be myself and not follow the norm, the road wasn’t paved with signs telling me where to go… well the road wasn’t even paved.   Thats just part of being different.

~ Maybe people felt jealous or threatened that I wanted more for my life than a boring 9-5 where I had to drink my weekends away just to cope.

~ Maybe all those failures kept showing me what paths not to go down.  Maybe they were learning experiences?  Maybe thats just life process of anyone who follows the beat of their own drum?

So what can I say to you people who are reading this? 

Well for starters. Don’t give up.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.

Don’t listen to the people who put you down.  This world is full of hateful people.  They have their issues and reasons as to why they’re such assholes, and none of them should matter to you.  let them go rot in their own filth.  Don’t become one of them.

Remember that you’re talented and smart and can do anything.  Any of us who go trough the day with depression, anxiety, or any other mental problems are so strong.   We have to deal with the shit the common man can’t even comprehend. So remember, if you have the strength to get out of bed, you have the strength to change the world.

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This world can be bright and colorful.  Just like the picture above.  We just need to remember to rock shit out, and never take no for an answer.

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Life is short, don’t waste anymore of it.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

Dear Mom and Dad (A Letter They Will Never Read)

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Dear mom and dad, Im writing this because I know you’ll never read this.    I just wanted to let you know that yesterday, after leaving you at the airport, I arrived safely in Cambridge.   I will begin school next Monday and honestly, Im so excited.

 

I know that I never ever tell you this, but I love you both so much.   You guys have done so much for me and have made so many sacrifices.    Granted, we rarely see things eye-to-eye, and I know you guys don’t get me and my dreams.   But I don’t blame you.   We’re just different types of people and thats fine.

As you both know, I move around a lot.  And Its because I’m trying to find myself.   I have this deep need to be better.  To achieve greatness.  To try and take the world by storm.    But at the same time, I’ve been deeply hurt in my life.  From people who don’t get me.  From people who don’t want watch me succeed.    And in part, I suppose I have left their words and actions affect me to much.  Furthermore,  I can tell you both that it does get lonely when you constantly restart in new locations.  And I do miss you.   And I do have times where I just want to hop on a plane and come home.

 

The reason I never mention any of that to you is because I have too much pride.  I don’t want you guys worrying about me.  Fearing for me.   I don’t want you to know that Im not superhuman.   They say that every child has that moment where they realize their parents are only human.  Merely two flawed Earthlings.   When I found that out about you guys it broke my heart, and so I never want to make you two go through that same thing.

 

 

However, there is good news too.  I have really good hopes for this!  I think my intentions of going back to school are pure.  I almost feel a sense of innocence again.  Kind of like how most kids must feel when they start undergrad.  A blind-hope.  Some kind of just pure happiness and a thought things are about to be awesome.   I think I’ll learn a lot at Harvard.  I think I’ll be challenged.  Be bettered.   I have this sense of optimism and hope.  A feeling that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now…. a feeling I haven’t had in a very long time.

 

 

One day I hope that I can make you both very proud to be my parents ( I know you already are )   But still, I don’t feel proud to be me yet… Maybe thats what Im really hoping for.  And thats something Im never able to tell you.  That I feel like a failure.   I feel like a pathetic and complete failure.   I thought I would be so much more at age 27 than what I am.

 

But again, right now I’m feeling good.  Im feeling hopeful.   Im feeling optimistic.  And I just wanted to let you both know how much you mean to me.  How much I miss you every time I leave, and how grateful I am for your love and unending support.

 

~Love your son, The Dark Horse

Stop Dreading The Future!

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When you think of the future does it look like this?

 

I know mine does.   Sometimes I lie in bed at night and can’t sleep and all thats going through my head is:

~ Im going to never have a job that makes me happy

~ I will never find friends who like me for who I am

~ I will never be in love for as long as I live

~ Im going to get stuck working 50 to 60 hours a week like my parents and my life will be nothing more than slaving away for a corporation that doesn’t care about me, and my job will bring me no pleasure

~ I will gain weight and be unhealthy just like every other American stuck in the rat race of their mundane fucking lives

~ Everything I find meaningful in life: A life lived to fullest, changing the world, adventure, love, friendship, travel, and being larger than life….it will never happen.  its a dream and nothing more.

 

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Just like Godzilla destroying Japan, after a few minutes in bed suddenly any hope I have for life is crushed, destroyed, trampled, and left lifeless.

BUT WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?

Well I think a big part of it is other people.    When we tell our dreams and hopes to others, for some reason they LOVE TO PLAY DEVILS ADVOCATE.

You:  Hey I really want to write a book about my experiences in life, I think it could really relate to a lot people out there who are struggling.

Others:  Do you know how many books actually get published?  You have a 1 in 100,000 chance.

Is writing really a stable career?

Are you even a good writer?

Im just worried….. Its nothing against you, Im just looking out for your best interest….

You: …..(walks into bedroom and decides to just not live the day because watching a movie under the covers will inspire you more than any actual human in your life will).

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE?  

TELL

THEM

TO

FUCK

OFF

 

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Thats right, be more like Cookie, and put those cunts in their place.

 

For real, think about it.  Listen to any person who achieved great success:  actors, writers, advocates, politicians, ANYONE…. When they give interviews do they sit there and go:

“Why oh yes, I told my family I wanted to direct films and they were always supportive and everyone I ever encountered in life believed in me.  My first day in LA I got a job at a studio because they just thought I was talented and loved me…”

 No.

They give interviews and say things like:

“Nobody ever thought Id be anything more than a waiter.   I was in New York living in poverty for 5 years before anything good happened, and there were so many days when I thought they were all right and I should just give up”

 

Think about this, Steven Spielberg was rejected from the film school at USC…  yeah suck on that USC.

 

 

We control our future.   We have the power.  Not your parents, or your friends, or your boss.   I don’t care if your dream is to be a writer or an actor.  Or if its something like wanting a career change from finance to medicine.  Or if you’re in a dead marriage and you want to better yourself and get out of it.

WHATEVER YOUR STRUGGLE IS RGHT NOW.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

IT IS YOUR LIFE!

 

So the next time you talk to someone and they are telling to

BE REALISTIC….

GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS…

STOP DREAMING….

Just say:

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Did that little shit not take the hint?  Still bothering you?  Still trying to bring you down to their level?  Well just remember you’re the bigger person here.  You are following your dreams.  Sometimes you just gotta smack a ho!

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Alright Cookie, show us one more time what we should do to people who doubt us?

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Damn straight bitches!   Sometimes you gotta show em you mean business.

 

Just remember, its your life.  If your friends and family want to take the safe road and stay in their jobs, and keep their life, and then desperately try to live it up on the weekends because its the only time in the week when their lives are actually theirs…. then let them.

But you don’t have to live that way if you don’t want to.    Chasing your dreams is the most admirable thing you can do in life.  just think what the world could be like if we were all living the lives we wanted.  Think of the innovation we could have, the peace the world could achieve, the excitement that could exist everyday.

 

Live it up bitches!

~ The Dark Horse

75% proofread!   ya baby!

 

 

 

 

 

I Have Seen A Better Life (How To Overcome Depression)

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So, a few days ago I just got back from a three week trip to Asia.    And people, let me tell you;  It literally changed my life.  And I’m not saying this in some kind of 19-year-old-girl-who -just-did-a-study-abroad annoying way (because we all know how annoying they are).  Im saying this in a genuine truly deep and sincere way.

While in Asia we were on our feet all day, everyday.  Whether it was climbing waterfalls, hiking ridges, walking through cities, or simply enjoying a stroll along the beach with a coconut in hand.   During my time in Asia my depression and anxiety were completely gone.  Literally.

GONE.

Like, Zero.  Nonexistent, Elvis Had Left The Building! 

And I think I know the answer as to why.    Here in Auckland Im not living.  I have a job that I hate and that honestly pays like shit. It isn’t what I want either.  My job is meaningless.  It isn’t challenging, nor is it creative, nor is it filled with adventure, nor does it change the world.  It is literally everything I dreaded that would happen to my life.  A stagnant meaningless pile of shit.

 I have no real friends here.

 I’m not in a relationship here.

So why am I here? 

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In Bali, one of the places we stayed on the trip (and probably the most life-changing).  There were rice farmers who, by western standards, make salve wages.

But you know what?  They’re so much more satisfied with this life than most of us in our well-payed Western Countries.   After their work day you would just see groups of friends laying on the side of the road talking.   Surrounded by their scooters and the stray dogs that roam much of Bali.    Talking.  Laughing.  Enjoying life.   They live in a horribly oppressive and corrupt country.  They literally earn pennies compared to what we earn.   But then you just look at them;  Their smiles.  Their joy of just living.    You can’t help but realize, that were the ones who are missing out in life.

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From talking with many of the locals what I’ve learned about Balinese culture is that they have very intense and strong bonds with their families and friends.   Life for them isn’t a rat race like it is for us.  It isn’t about making money to get more material goods to impress your next door neighbors.   It isn’t about men buying sports cars to be the alpha male.  It isn’t about spending a thousand dollars on a Vegas trip so you can fuck some girl at the “coolest club in town”.

Life for them is still a very deep and personal one.

It honestly was beautiful.    We, as tourists, have completely changed Bali.   We have transformed parts of the coast into tourist playgrounds.   We fuel an illegal drug trade into the island, and certain tourists treat the locals similar to how the American South treated slaves.   They treat the locals like “the help”.   And despite all that, every local will smile at you.  They will wave.   If they know English they will even greet you with a “Hello”.

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Furthermore, it was an adventure.  Travel always brings out an increased sense of emotion.   Everything is so new.  So bright.  So vibrant.    It always brings out the inner-child inside of you.  That person that you’ve lost from the wave after wave of shit in your life.

So, I’m proud to say that I’m leaving New Zealand.   The day after I got back from my trip I told my job I was quitting.   Im going to be heading back to America for a few months to see family and gather my thoughts.  Then, I’m going to work towards a goal.  A goal I should have always worked towards because deep down its what I always knew I wanted. I was just too afraid to do it.

I want to do travel writing.   I love travel. I love the industry of travel: Airlines, airports, hotels.  I love the culture of travel:  Meeting all the new people and seeing all the new things.  I love the adventure of travel:  The good and the bad that creates life-long memories.

From there I would love to do Ted Talks and write books about mental illness.   Talk about how I struggle with mental illness but that I don’t let it stop me.  Because you know what people, WHY ARE WE LETTING IT STOP US????????

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Every day we don’t live our lives.   Every time we decide to not do something.   All because of mental illness….  Well, the mental illness wins.

Play this and then continue reading!

Just look at me.   In 2013 I was living in Australia and my depression, the depression I’ve lived with since I was 10, consumed me to the point where I broke out in anxiety.   Which led to health anxiety and agoraphobia.    I was collapsing on street corners.  I got fired from my job for being too mentally unstable.   At one point I couldn’t even leave my apartment. And look at me now:

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That photo is of me standing in Ubud, Bali looking out into the beauty of the world.

There is no reason for us to not live our lives.   Whats the worst that can happen?  We die?   Well listen up people, if we never live to begin with then were already dead inside.

AND FUCK THAT.

You and me, were better than that.  We have experienced such intense pain in the world.   Pain a lot of people don’t get.   But you know what, if we have the capacity to feel intense pain, it also means we have the ability to feel intense joy.

And if you ever tell yourself you can’t do it, remember my words:

WE CAN DO THIS.  I FUCKING PROMISE.

If I can go from almost dying in 2013 to traveling the world in 2015 then I guarantee you that you can make it through the day.   Its all about baby steps people.  One foot in front of the other.  Then suddenly, we start to move a bit quicker.   And quicker.   And then at one point you’ll look down and realize you’re running.   Faster than you ever thought possible.

As you look up, you’ll see you’re friends running beside you.   Maybe they’re old friends.  Or maybe they’re ones you haven’t met yet.  You are laughing.   You are smiling.   In front of you is that departure gate for your flight.   As you board the plane you’ll feel absolutely nothing but joy.   You’re about to take off.  Into the sun.   Into your new life.  A life of excitement, adventure, and the real you.

Fly High People!

~The Dark Horse

(And no this wasn’t proofread!  This was written with emotion!!! You can’t proofread emotion!  …Well I guess you could….but I didn’t!   BAM!)

Hope. Its What We Have To Have

 

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So in the wake of Orlando I think its time to talk about hope.  As a gay guy from America I have to say this weekend killed me a little inside.    Not only was there a horrific attack against the LGBT community but now everyone and their fucking mother are trying to pretend like this had nothing to do with the gay community.

Dear straight religious people, at some point you’ll have to accept this was a product of the culture you’ve created and enforced.    Do you know what its called when there is a hate crime…. hate crime? hahaha…. this was actually a fucking massacre…. but anyways:

Do you know what its called when a hate crime is committed and everyone turns a blind eye?  Thats called OPPRESSION you cunts.

Was this man crazy?  Yes.  

And did he have access to guns because America is an insane shithole with flimsy laws?  Yes.

But would this attack have happened if this man was raised in a culture that didn’t teach him to hate gays?… Well now, there’s a question for you….

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But enough about those cunts who are downplaying what just happened this post isn’t for them.  This post is about what to do now.

 

 

This is one of those instances that was about death.  We suffered and mourned the loss of 49 lives.  But after mourning comes an intense desire to live.

And thats exactly what I have.  I have a big fork in the road coming up in my life and dammit I want to make the most of it.

 

I want to live.  I want to really really live. I want to find love, adventure, friendship, joy, humor, and excitement! I want to make an impact on this world!  I want to finally stop being dragged through life and finally start actually living.  Because unfortunately, with the world we live in, you never know when you may be dancing at a club when all of the sudden you and everyone around are on the floor bleeding to death.  

 

Need some inspiration?   Ok well look at this:

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This is Hawaii 

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This is an actual castle in Germany

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This is a real beach in Thailand 

Why are we looking at these?  Well because over the weekend we saw what horror, bloodshed, and hate looked like.   What we to remember is that there is still so much beauty in the world.   Life still holds meaning, joy, and love.   Adventure is still out there, its just waiting to be found.

Take all the pain and hurt from this weekend and lets mold it from mourning, into passion.    Remember to live life to the fullest.   To embrace every single moment because you never know when it may be your last.

Tonight before you go to bed, hug your mom.   Or your flatmate…  or fuck, hug your dog.   They love being hugged!   Just show someone you care.   Embrace and feel the love!

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~ The Dark Horse

(I would have proofread this, but I was too busy looking at this picture of how amazing the world really is)

Travel and INFJ (Or, Just Fucking Do It…Its Good For You!)

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Ah, yes the joys of travel.  Waiting in lines at airports, dining on the strange delicacy that is airline food, currency conversion, language barriers, new sights, unfamiliar cities…

The true joys of life, am I’m right guys????

What scares most people is our lifeblood.   Our calling.  Our passion.   Our true nature as an INFJ.

The point of this post?  Well its to say, if you’re INFJ and aren’t traveling DO IT NOW!  And if you are traveling, well I’m sure you’re reaping the benefits!

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Why is it that were born travelers?

Well, for starters we’re born outcasts.    INFJ’s make up only one percent of the entire population!  With 7.125 billion people in this world, that means theres only 71 million of us!   So if you found every INFJ on the planet and put us all together we would only make up the equivalent to the population of France.

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Bonjour all you INFJ’s out there! 

So we’re natural outcasts.   Which you may think sucks (which, it kind of does) but we’re such strong travelers because we’re not phased by being in a new space, by not knowing anyone, by being in different cultures, or by being surrounded by something different…. because well, thats just our life.    Even in our hometowns were surrounded by a different culture than our own all the time!

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Furthermore, travel is that perfect combination of what INFJ’s are.    As INFJ’s we are the combination of the introvert and the extrovert.  Traveling gives us new challenges to think about, to analyze, to feel, to enjoy.

It is the sweetest mental candy your mind will ever taste!

And then we get the extrovert side of us excited as well.   Traveling is visually stunning, Its a cultural experience, You meet new people, you try new foods….and all of this happens in places you’ve never been before.

Your popular friends can fucking go on and on about how much fun they have as they suck down vodka and snort cocaine in the bathroom of some club, but those bitches will never know what a real high feels like.

We have that privilege.  

The high we feel during the take off of an airplane, or that first step outside of an airport and smelling the air of a new place.   The joy we get from learning the wold is a bigger and more beautiful place than one man could ever tame!

That is a real high.  That is a true high.   So next time, tell your the popular kids to suck a dick and then get your ass on a plane! 

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Finally, we as INFJ’s are highly idealistic.  We look not to make excuses about “thats just how it is”, but instead we love to say “but this is how good it could be if we worked for it!”. And travel proves us right.

For anyone who ever says, “Well thats just how it is” traveling gives you proof that they’re wrong.  Why?  Well because you’ve seen it.

How could you possibly not believe in world peace after seeing dolphins play in the Florida Keys? 

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How could you not believe in tranquility after sitting next to a waterfall in Bali? 

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How could you not believe that community is still a real thing after seeing what a funeral looks like in New Orleans?

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….you can’t.    Which is why travel is amazing.

Alright all you INFJ’s (and hell, this goes for humans in general) GET TRAVELING!   GO FIND YOURSELF, BECAUSE REALLY, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??????

~ The Dark Horse