Tag Archives: canada

Dispatches From The Far North

nwt

 

Have I ever mentioned that after college I ran away into the woods?

 

LA had worn me down and beaten me to the ground. I was so depressed I could barely stand up most of the time. And then that’s when I discovered American Transcendentalism, and the ideals of running away and escaping capitalist society.

I took Thoreau for his word and ran away.  And now that I’m older and read Thoreau more clearly, I’m pretty fuckin annoyed… because he never actually ran away. He lived on a lake only a few miles from town. He literally would walk home and eat with his family and shit… what a twat.

I on the other hand, during my period of total infatuation with his ideas, really did run away into the middle of nowhere. Where there were no roads. No phones. No sewage systems…

I went to the Northwest Territories, a little north of the Great Slave Lake.

There, I lived in a “cabin” which was really just a plywood box that was covered in arctic tarp. Recently, I found the pictures I took of inside my cabin.

Whenever I’m feeling down, writing and art has always saved me. And so, being up there was no different.  Armed with nothing but sidewalk chalk (why was there sidewalk chalk? I have no idea…) Anyways, armed with sidewalk chalk and bare plywood walls, I got to work.

Here are a few of my derelict masterpieces:

 

cabin1

Here, with CHERRY BOOM, I needed color, and I need fun. I went for a retro-Pac Man thing because it was exciting.  It was something that made me feel like I wasn’t completely lost from society. A memento that there was a world full of video games, ice tea, and mattresses that I could return to at some point.

 

 

cabin2

This was my manifesto to the world. I wrote this, and then read this to myself every night before going to sleep. It was a way for me to tell myself that I’m not done. I went to the woods to find myself, but the woods wouldn’t be my final resting place.

 

 

cabin3

My absolute favorite.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written these words in my journal, or said this under my breath as I’m about to take on a challenging day. The albatross has always been my spirit animal. They’re so large, so misunderstood, and so solitary, that it’s hard to imagine how they survive. But, against the odds, and against the elements, these birds flourish, even though they can spend months over the open ocean without ever even seeing land. They’re stronger than you’d ever believe. And so, I look to the albatross, flying high, for inspiration.

 

Eye to the sky!

 

~ The Dark Horse

Advertisements

Being Tired And Anxiety (Or, My Trip To Canada And Beyond…..There Wasn’t Really A Beyond, It Just Sounded Nice)

ca

So, for the last 2 days I took a trip to London, Ontario.   It is a really cool small city filled with amazing food, cute river bends, and quaint historical neighborhoods.

The topic at hand is what being tired does to you when you have anxiety and I will be using my trip as an example considering that for about a 48 hour period I got maybe 6 hours of sleep total.

The night before the trip I slept like 4 hours maybe because of how excited I was.  I then got up at 730am to meet for breakfast before the drive to Canada.   The day was amazing.   The drive was long but smooth, hardly any traffic, the hotel was nice, great food, a festival was going on, and everything was just great!

The night however, was awful.   My friend I was with has….um….sleeping problems which I was not aware of until that night.  She has no problems sleeping, however, she moans and makes crying noises all through the night.  People, I am not kidding.  I wasn’t able to sleep at all.  Constant sounds filled the room like she was having a nightmare. A constant nightmare. From midnight until 8am when I hit her with a pillow and told her to get the fuck up.

The day still was…..um..ok.   Still filled with great people and great food and a great city.  However, my friend was now driving me insane.   I was tired and I was no longer to pretend I wasn’t annoyed and tired, and so every time she made a comment I didn’t like I kind of maybe snapped just a little bit.  But for the most part, all good.

can2

The drive home however is when everything got bad.   I was very tired.  i was very annoyed.  And most importantly I didn’t want to be anywhere near her.   However, I had a 5 hour drive to be stuck with her.   Thoughts of how agonizing those 5 hours would be filled my head.  Dread consumed me and I began to fall into a panicked and depressed state.   About 20 minutes into the drive home I was off the wall.  Hardcore balls to the wall white-knuckling it.

I finally snapped and pulled over and was like, “You’re driving, I can’t”.   Confused she traded me places.  I put on some soft music and looked out the window for about 4 hours until we were back in America and only had an hour left in the drive.  I told her I was going to drive again and rushed towards home.

I dropped her off back at her home and felt like a weight had been lifted.  I was free to be myself.   Free to be calm.  Free to not have her there.

Free to go about my life.

So here are some tips I learned so you don’t have to hit the wall

1.)  SLEEP IS SO SO SO IMPORTANT WITH ANXIETY AND PANIC AND DEPRESSION. They fuck with your hormones, blood sugar levels, consume energy, and leave you feeling like you’re going to die.   NEVER EVER MISS OUT ON A GOOD NIGHTS REST… but if you do…..

2.) drink lots of fluids.   It really helps.  Why?  Oh I don’t know, I’m no scientist.   Im sure it has something to do with it helping the flow of electrolytes or keeps your body all hydrated and flowing properly or something.  Just do it.  it works

3.)  Rest if you need to.   Try to sit and get a drink or a snack before you fall into the panic attack.   Stop it before it happens

4.) Remove your stressors.  For example, I will never ever travel with that girl ever again.   I know now that was a mistake and I won’t repeat it.

But at the end of the day, and most importantly, I lived.  I didn’t die from my anxiety or panic or dread of being with her.  Life goes on, the dun will rise again, and so will you

~The Dark Horse

PS- this wasn’t proof-read.  It was written out a deep need to vent and rant and be a crazy person…. oh hey there is anotehr thing to help!

5.)  VENT AND RANT IF NEED BE!