Tag Archives: change

Is Your Job Making Your Mental Illness Worse?


If you don’t like your job, then most likely it is.    For me, I hate my job.  I have been working at a phone company here in New Zealand…. yeah I know.. I moved across the world to work at a fucking phone company.

Shoot me now.

And it has caused me nothing but stress, depression, and anxiety.

We have had a bunch of problems in the company including a CEO who is total cunt, underpaid staff who quit within 5 months of being hired…which leads to constantly understaffed stores, management who got ahead because they know the CEO and not because they’re good workers…which creates management who doesn’t do their job, which finally has led to the loss of profit of the company, which then leads to a corporation in chaos and constantly blaming each other rather than figuring solutions to how they’re going to remain profitable.

So im quitting.

Thats right bitches.  my notice has been put in and I’m getting off the Titanic because I have a feeling its hit an iceberg.


Now I keep asking myself, why didn’t I do this sooner?

And I think I know the answer:  GUILT

 Tell me if any of you guys have experienced any of these:   So were depressed and anxious right?   So naturally we want to make a change in our lives.   But what do we hear from others when we want to make a change?  things like,

~ Oh this job isn’t making you happy?  Why aren’t you just happy to be employed?  You know some people live in poverty and they would love to have your job.  You have no right to complain.  You have a roof over your head and food to eat.   You’re too dramatic.

~ When are you going to settle down?

~ Did you ever think that maybe you’re the problem?

~ Other people don’t seem to have the problems you have.  have you ever considered just sucking it up?


Thats right people, according to everyone else, we are apparently the most spoiled, over-privaledged, whiney, cunts alive.

Well heres the deal:

  There are actually studies that have been that show people that we consider to be “poor little village savages” are actually happier than we are. They have stronger social bonds, stronger bonds to families, and less stress with their jobs.   On top of that, many more studies that question “happiest countries in the world” always get the same results:  Mostly The Liberal Countries.   Countries that have universal healthcare, cheap or free education, a livable minimum wage, safe communities, and job prospects.

America, my home country. Never makes the list.  EVER.  Why?  Because America is a rat race.  People feel no security in America and so they scramble for anything they can and then hold on tight because they don’t know any better.

I ask all those people out there who judge or question my life:  If money makes you happy, why does your job not make you happy?  Why do you need to smoke, or drink to make it through the weekend before you have to slug back to your cubicle?   Shouldn’t you be out tackling the world?

Furthermore, there are 3 major studies that rank the worlds most livable cities: Monocle, Mercer, and the EIU.  They rank cities based on public happiness, city facilities, amount of time residents have to spend at work.  The vibrance of the restaurants and cafes, safety, cleanliness, park space, and other factors.

America only ever gets 1 city: Portland.  Which literally ranks at 24 out of 25, AND THAT IS ONLY ON THE MONOCLE LIST.  No US city ever makes it on the list by Mercer or the EIU.


So to all the people who I have grown up with telling me to get a job that pays and stick with because “thats what you do”.   Seriously, go fuck yourself.   

And for all of you out there who wish to make a change?  Remember, look at the lives of those who are telling you to not chase your dreams.  Are they the smartest people you know?  Are they the happiest people you know?   Do you want their life?

Because in my experience happy and smart people rarely ever tell people to not strive for something better.

Remember that.  I did.  And I’m making a change, and I’m so excited!

~ The Dark Horse

Being Sagittarius (Or…Come On Guys, Were Fuckin’ Awesome)


Look I know everyone says that their sign is the coolest and stuff but um… lets be real here people.  Sag’s have the most fun.

Lets start with our ruling planet, JUPITER 


Our ruling planet is Jupiter, the largest planet in the solar system.  Named after the Roman God who was the ruler of the Gods as well as the sky.  He was basically the powerhouse of Roman life until Christianity came in.   Jupiter is the ruling planet of our sign due to our intense desire to think and teach,and to rule and be just.

Our element?  Well of course it would be fire 


Fire is our element because sag’s are passionate, intense, and seek acton and adventure.   Much like fire we can spread quick, Whether it be traveling on a whim, or spreading our views, we are a force to be reckoned with.

My personal favorite however is our drive for ADVENTURE 


We are truly children of the universe and we know it.

Living in one spot (especially a place that doesn’t hold much global significance), getting a 9 to 5, raising a family, and having a white picket fence isn’t in the agenda of a sagittarius.  We need movement, adventure, risks, challenges, and growth.

What we hope to do with all this knowledge and adventure is use it to make the world a better place.

In fact, many people who are sagittarius feel a sense of needing to be something more than a big fish in a small pond.  They claim to have a feeling or draw to larger-than-life goals or meanings.  I can personally say I totally get this one.

We do have downsides however.   Much like fire, people will try to extinguish us.

Many people will not understand us.  They will see out sense of adventure and wanting greatness as being childless and having our head in the clouds.   Our ability to be quick-witted and debate well due to our thirst for knowledge will drive anyone crazy who isn’t able to keep up with us.

We are also a threat to normality and scare people who are small and petty. Seeing someone being guided by the stars and going for their dreams can make certain people very jealous and angry.  You may notice some people in your life will be intensely rude or mean to you for no reason.   This could be the jealousy factor of you living a life not many have the bravery to take on

All in all though, would you really want to be anything else?


~ The Dark Horse

…I think i kind of proof read this one…but I don’t think I was really paying attention to my spelling ;P

So what does anyone out there think?  Anyone else a sag? what is your experience like?  or anyone else out there a really cool sign that you think is awesome?

The Importance Of Family


So up until recently I have not fully appreciated the concept of family.  Yes, going away to college makes you miss home, and living in Australia last year made me miss home even more but my family has just recently started to…. “mature” i guess?

So my parents only had me and my brother.  And he just moved out for the first time.

On top of that my dad is a firefighter so he works 24 hours on, and 48 hours off.

So on nights when he works the only people in the house are me and my mom…. which is….sad and lonely to be honest.

awkward family photos credit: awkward family photos.com hyperlink to: awkwardfamilyphotos.com
awkward family photos credit: awkward family photos.com hyperlink to: awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Im not used to this kind of thing!  The household has always been the 4 of us, and when Im off living in different cities and different counties obviously I’m taking the cheap road so I’m used to 8 people sharing an apartment basically living like some 1900’s New York City tenement.

The days when my brother does come home even for like a few hours I notice it so much more and appreciate it so much more than I ever did when he was blaring music in his room keeping me up at night.

And furthermore, Im moving again! I leave for New Zealand in 1 month!  That means my mom will be alone on nights when my dad works and they will officially be EMPTY NESTERS. 

Now, take my mom:  Grew up in a family with 7 children.  Then she had me and my brother with my dad, so she has been living in a household of all boys.  HOW WILL THIS WOMAN HANDLE BEING IN A HOUSE ALONE? 


I don’t know if any of you watch the show Big Brother, but that is what this feels like.  Toward the end of the show when they go from like 16 people down to 3, and they’re just kind of aimlessly wandering around a giant house looking at empty beds and empty bedrooms. (ok I’m being dramatic) BUT STILL YOU GET THE POINT! 

So what am I learning?

Well, although I know I need to make a life for myself – pave my own path, find my own way, make my own friends – I still do care about my family.  And its kind of sad that my family will never be the four of us in a house ever again.

the last form of youth in my life is now over.

But perhaps its also good…im glad my brother is paving his own way in life, and I’m excited for my move to New Zealand, and hopefully my mom and dad will find some time to go do all the things they wanted to before we were born.

travel, take up hobbies, go out to lunch, and so forth.

Maybe although childhood is lost, independence can be found? 


~ The dark horse

Change is Coming. I Have No Choice But To Embrace It


Yes.  Change is a coming and I can’t lie… I am scared.   I have had way too many changes in my life this past year… well in my life in general, but Im really not ready for another one.

In 9 days I move out of my apartment and store all of my stuff at my friends place until I return to Australia.  In 10 days I fly home to Ohio and have to deal with everything that will bring.  And At the end of the week I think ill be out of a job because business is so slow.

Definitely not my brightest moment people, thats for sure.   Im scared and worried because I don’t know what is coming next.  But at the same time… Im kind of looking forward to it.


Thats right Bowie, I have gotten caught up in a monotonous routine.   There really isn’t much further I can go right now.  Im working in a cafe that has maybe 30 or 40 orders the entire day, and I think Im getting over the anxiety and panic enough to where I can start looking to the future once more.

I need to start looking to what comes next….what is bigger… what is better.   THE LIFE I WAS MEANT TO LEAD BEFORE THE GOT SMACKED WITH THE BULLSHIT OF PANIC AND ANXIETY! 

And ughh….. I don’t want to admit this because it is sad, but part of this is that I also have been talking to a boy… I KNOW I KNOW DONT MAKE FUN OF ME!  A boy who is really smart, and cute, and nice, and is actually going somewhere with his life.   And …uummm…. uuugghhh…. well….. you see….I met this boy… ummm…. on…..



Now let me continue…. oh wait, also, the other problem is that he lives in the States down in Florida. So we are kind of separated by an ocean and even if I returned home he would be states away and right now the idea of returning to America for a boy is…. well… actually, I wouldn’t mind that actually…

Here’s what Im going to do.  Tomorrow I’m going to make a post about this so we can go in depth about how ridiculous and annoying I am with this, right now its about CHANGE


And I want to believe that this change will lead me to a better place if I enter it without fear.  Well, I will be afraid, but I won’t be so afraid 😉

But here I am putting it out there.  I want a job that MEANS SOMETHING TO ME AND WILL CHANGE THE WORLD.  A cafe job was never going to do that anyways.  And I want love. And I want great friends.

A new apartment brings new roommates.  Which could lead to new friends, and maybe even meeting someone who could be more?

Going home will bring a fresh perspective to my life. A new outlook.  A clean, calm environment to relax and recharge.


Or, all the change could kill me or ruin my life.   MWUAHAAHHAHA!   But thats the thing with change people!  You can’t stop it from happening.  So if death is coming, then death is coming! 


We really have no choice but to drive into it headfirst!  Otherwise you can just curl up in a corner, but whats that gonna do?


Ugh…. we’ve got cows!

The Dark Horse

Its Time To Emerge From Rock Bottom


So, alone, anxious, depressed.. blah blah blah, you bitches have heard it all before.

Ok lets get down to it.  You know I’m fucking miserable and lonely and all that stuff but life does go on doesn’t it?

So, today after therapy I bought a yoga mat.  If I don’t have the energy to go to the gym, I will bring the gym to my living room.  i will not let this annoying little problem ruin me!

 just because Im weak, panic easily, and suffer from anxiety attacks while in public doesn’t mean that I can’t live a normal life dammit! …

Well, actually….


Also, got my had cut today and went to the grocery store.  Im forcing myself out into public and even though i sweat and worry and have trouble breathing and all the other annoying symptoms, I WILL STILL KEEP TRYING!

Because, if I don’t, Im basically already dead.

So how ’bout you guys out there?  Dear reader, what challenges do you have in your lives right now and how will you get through them?