Tag Archives: comedy

Fuck Depression, Anxiety, and Panic

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Thats right people.  Join me right now and just scream “FUCK!!!!!” at the top of your lungs!

Life is short.  We only have one.  And yet here we are, lost in our minds.  Lost in misery.  Lost in everything that could have been, should have been, could be, and should be.

But I’m done.   You should be done too.

Depression my dear, look at you.  All old, withered, and miserable.   Well you know what, Im gonna give you the biggest bitch slap you stupid cunt!

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Thats right people!   Me, and you.  We are better than this.  Were above this.   Depression is us keeping ourselves down due to things that have happened to us.  Maybe it was being bullied as children.   Or maybe you have lost a loved one.  Or have been raped, or any other horrible thing or things out there!  But one thing is for sure:  Giving in to depression is admitting defeat to the past and present.  Its giving even more power to that negativity.

 

Now listen to me closely.

 

 

Walk right up to Depression and smack that son of a bitch harder than you ever thought possible.

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Yes my children rise and fight!!  MWUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!

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Now, anxiety.  You slithering little shit.  You are just our fears gone crazy.    You are nothing.  Your power comes from me.  It comes from the fear I have for everything.   The fear of everything going wrong.  The fear that the worst will always come true.

Now people get into your cars….. start your engines…. and drive that fucker straight into your anxiety!  Roll your windows down and drive at top speed howling “DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH!” at the top of your lungs!  let the neighbors think you’re crazy!

Take inspiration from that astronaut who drive from Texas to Florida wearing the diaper because she needed to kill her boyfriend or something… remember her?  Whats her damn name?…. let me Wiki this quick.

Ah there is it is!  Lisa Nowak. Thats right people, behold your new role model.   This woman drove through 4 states wearing a space diaper (so she wouldn’t have to stop on the way of course) and loaded her car with everything needed for a good ole’ fashioned kidnap/murder scenario.

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Now, if you don’t look as crazy as this woman than you’re clearly not doing it right!   Now drive my pretties drive drive drive!!!!!!!

 

…And then BAM!

 

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Oh dear! It seems that anxiety didn’t look both ways before crossing the street…..well I mean that isn’t our fault is it?  We were just innocently driving down the street right?  (Hey look, I didn’t see anything if you didn’t ok?)

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Oh dear….. So many strange unexplained deaths today.   Moving on…

 

 

 

And lastly, panic.   Ah you.  You. you….you…… so miserable motherfucker.   Like a sadistic child serial killer your main purpose is to cause us trauma.  You love us being scared to death….literally.

Thats right people, panic attacks are when we let all our other issues get to us so heavily that we actually being to think were going to die.  We have very intense that convince this is the end….. well panic, today I have some great news for you.  it is the end! …of you.

 

Hey panic, come over here lets check out this house real quick! ….

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Yeah come on come on!  I think theres children in there!  children who don’t yet know there are problems in the world…. children who aren’t aware of their mortality yet… maybe you should go show them!

Yes….go on!  walk in there….thats right….now close the door….. yea go on!  close it……

 

 

fucking dumbass.

 

 

 

Alright, now lets get to a safe distance….. get in your car and enjoy the show!

 

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And just remember, if any of you decide to come back…. well Ill have your graves pre-dug for ya.

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~ The Dark Horse

Noooooo this wasn’t proof read!   Im busy killing off thing!

 

 

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Lets Take The Time To Reinvent Ourselves

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So, im sick   (Confetti falls from the sky as women release doves into the air).  When I’m sick I feel like absolute shit.

As if hating my life and feeling like a depressive failure isn’t enough, being sick adds that extra little touch.   You’re too weak and tired to change your life.  Your throat hurts, you can feel what doctors call “post nasal drip” which in reality is literally when so much snot forms in your nose that it has nowhere else to go rather than sliding back down into your throat (its one of the reasons why your mouth constantly has that foul aftertaste in it all the time when you’re sick.   Its because its filled with snot).

The picture above is Jerri Blank.  She is a self described, boozer, user, and loser.  She is the star of the short-lived but highly addictive show Strangers With Candy.   In that show she dropped out of high school as a teenager to become a hooker, a user of all drugs, and a complete blow out.

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Now, at 46, she decides drop her junkie past and to go back to school and restart her life.

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So why am i bringing up this delightful little ex-con and true role model for children everywhere?

Because thats how I feel, and I think thats how we will all feel.

Ive had a rough month.  I made a really intense friendship and sadly he is backpacking and no longer here.  I dropped a friendship that was insanely toxic to me.  I started back at the gym (for the first time in 5 months).  I was tired of my job that Im only working at for the money and have gone part time to look for better things.   All of that on top of the everyday things I think about:  MY PAST AND WHY DID IT ALL GO SO WRONG?  MY PRESENT AND WHY IS EVERYTHING STILL SO WRONG?   AND MY FUTURE:  WILL EVERYTHING ALWAYS BE WRONG? 

Can any of you relate to that? because I think you can.  Most of us with depression, anxiety, panic, or any kind of trauma already live with a life filled to the brim with stress and misery.  So once life throws you a big month….. you’re just bound to sink, and sink I did people… sink I did!

So here I am, worn out, tired, and sick.   In essence, I look and feel like this:

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But here is the beauty my friends!   (and I do believe this quote is from the Scooby Doo move)

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If you’ll recall from the Scooby Doo movie, it begins when the team has already broken up and have all been called separately by a mysterious Mr. Mondavarious. When they arrive on the dock of Spooky Island and meet him and hear about the spooky mystery they inform him the team is no longer together and that solving mysteries was in the past.

Hearing this Mr. Mondavarious says: No, what brought you here was your insatiable appetite for a juicy mystery.

Freddy replies with: The truth is, Mr. Mondavarious, Mystery Inc is broken up.

Mr. Mondavarious responds with:  That’s the beauty of something broken. It can be fixed, and therein lies its potential.

 

So here we are.  Broken. The light is a mere dim fickle flicker.  Energy dwindling.   And there is Jerri Blank.  a 46 year old ex-hooker who used to get fucked by donkeys as a sort of “freakshow” act in Mexico to make money for drugs.

So if that bitch can get her ass back in high school, then dammit we can sort our shit out too!

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Thats right people! feast your eyes on our new role model!

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So how do we do it?  How do we get to the point where we can rebuild and reinvent? Well since I’m sick I’m doing a lot of lounging around.  A lot of reading, and watching movies.  And I’m gonna be honest with you….its really helping

 

I don’t know how it is for you, but a good move can make me feel so much better.  It can really help me re-orient myself.   It can make me smile, make me think, make me different.   Last night I watch Tuck Everlasting.   It was so good and was exactly what i needed

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For those of you who have never seen it, its about a family who has found everlasting life, and one girl who find them in the woods and has to decide if she wants to drink from the fountain of youth.

 

In the movie, the father of the Tuck family tells Winnie, “Don’t be afraid of death Winnie, be afraid of the un-lived life”.

For years that line has always been in my head because I think that is my fear.  I watch my life drift away rather than actually living it.  Im a prisoner to my mind rather than the controller of it .

 

So I know this has been a long post.  To recap remember,

~ YOU CAN DO IT!

~ DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!

~ RETHINK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR VALUES AND THEN THINK IF YOURE LIVING BY THEM

~RELAX AND HAVE FUN!

 

Alright Jerri Blank give us a good inspirational quote to go out on!

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….wow thanks for not being helpful at all.

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..dammit Jerri!

~ The Dark Horse

The Barefoot Contessa’s Recipe For Happiness

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Thats right people! America’s Sweetheart, East Hampton socialite, and gay men magnet, Ina Garten is here to whip up a little something special: Her perfect recipe for us to be happy!

Alright, so I think the first thing we need is: SELF RESPECT

Without self respect we become insanely vulnerable both to ourselves and others.   Without self respect we become easy victims to overeating, drug and alcohol abuse, letting people walk all over us, entering relationships with both friends and lovers who are probably nor really there for us…and so on and so on.  Without self respect where do we even begin?

What do you think about that Ina?

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…No Ina.   Good vanilla is great for a buttercream frosting but were talking about our lives here Ina!

….moving on.

 

I also think the next thing is FINDING HOBBIES YOU ENJOY

Now trust me, I know this sounds soooooo cliche but what else are we going to do?  As miserable people were already miserable (….duh)  And if we just sit around thinking about how miserable we are, all we do is make everything worse.  its a vicious cycle that feeds into itself.   We have to get up and do something!

 

Right Ina?

 

 

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Ina, are you eating?   Were supposed to be writing a blog post together about how unhappy people can become happy!!!!

 

…Rich people, WTF.

 

Number 3 is a hard one for some people.  And this is TO ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!!!!

Now look, if you need therapy DO IT!  Im currently in therapy and I love it!  I think its great!  If you can’t afford it well neither can I!   Your local university can always set you up with psychology services for almost free or free depending on the school.    If you’re ashamed to ask for help, well don’t be!   Do you know most celebrities go into therapy?   The most popular and loved people on the planet are in therapy so why shouldn’t we be doing the same?

Are you in therapy Ina?

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Oh…. well i suppose thats similar to a stress ball method?  Letting out some aggressive energy.  Thats always a good thing I guess….

 

Number 4 is to remember to STAY HEALTHY

This is one I always struggle with personally.  When I get really down its just so easy to stop going to the gym, start eating take out, and lay around in bed all day.

And all that really gives me is the feeling of being lazy, pale, fat, weak, and sickly.   Trust me, it never goes well.

 

Ina, what do you do to feel better when you’re down? ….

 

….Ina? …

 

….Hello?  You know, Ina, considering you run a blog yourself Im kind of shocked how bad you are at this…..

 

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EXCUSE ME MRS. BAREFOOT CONTESSA!  Are you working on your own blog?   Were trying to help people here!

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….as delicious as that sounds I really think we should focus on making a blog post…. about helping people?  Remember why were doing this?

 

Anyways… so where were we…. helping others!  Alright Ina next one is you, what should the next ingredient in the recipe for happiness be?

 

….Ina? …..Ina?????

Where did you go?

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INA GARTEN GET BACK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE THE NEIGHBORS ALONE! 

 

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INE GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!

Ugh ok look, I have a middle-aged East Hamptonite running wild I have to go get her.  Just remember we all deserve happiness so do something for yourself today!  You deserve!

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Sorry I don’t have time to proof read this, I have to go take Ina to the organic cheese and olive delicatessen before they close!

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Staying Happy When You’re Feeling Down

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Now look….obviously, I try to keep my blog high-brow (cough cough)…. ok, I do swear a lot, and Im pretty sure Ive talked about quite a few racy topics, but anyways in general my blog is more than just stupid pictures that make people laugh….

having said that, there is no shame in doing WHATEVER you have to do to make yourself happy when you start feeling depressed or stressed or sad.

So, lets blatantly, shamelessly, and whole-heartedly allow ourselves to be happy right now , sound good?  Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.  Deal?  Sweet!

For starers, a good animal picture ALWAYS makes you happy.  I don’t care what you say, or how many allergies you have to whatever animal you have allergies to.  Animals are fucking hilarious.

 

Homeowners drove home to find their dog stuck in a shrub…..with clearly no place to go.

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This is clearly how the creators of Lost wrote the script:

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Still not feeling better?  Well perhaps this will help.   One of my favorite ironies of this world is that once you hit a certain level of wealth dressing to be cool and popular doesn’t even matter to you anymore.   And you suddenly start becoming interested with fashion that ranges from weird to ugly to ugly-weird….and it all costs over 10,000 dollars:

Why????

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I want to ask “why???” again but instead I find myself asking, “…..what?”

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Perhaps this is was inspired by the movie TRON meets  Bob The Builder? (All the rage in Paris I’m sure)

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Oh ok I see, you’re one of those sappy people who wants a video filled with heart warming tales to brighten your day?   Well I’ve got one of those too!  BAM BABY!

 

 

Well perhaps a diva llama will brighten your day?

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How about a sassy soon-to-be-fashionista?

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How about this lovely executive who is about to give you a raise…..quid pro quo

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Ok, then this doggy driver has to make you at least giggle!

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Alright well I hope I made at least some of you smile!   I know I had a good time writing this post so at least thats one person who is feeling better today!

Remember you’re strong, you can make it through the day!

~ The Dark Horse

5 Things to Never Say To A Depressed Person

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Ah, I know why you’re here.  You know someone suffering from depression and are looking for some advice or closure.  Or perhaps you’re someone who does have depression and you’re looking to commiserate and see if others experience the things you do.

….well…. the answer is yes.

To the normal people out there… dear sweet jesus you say some really dumb shit to us all the time and you probably don’t know it. 

And to the depressed people out there….. you’re not alone.  I hear this said to me and others all the time.

So lets get into it with THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A DEPRESSED PERSON! 

 

 

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1.)  “YEAH I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE SAD.  THIS ONE TIME BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH HAPPENED TO ME”

So, I know this one is done with good intentions, however, it just isn’t true. Unfortunately, depression is a miserable, ongoing agony that makes life hard to live.   Depression is not us being sad because of a breakup, or because we didn’t make the varsity team, or because we didn’t get that promotion.

We still have all of life’s normal problems like you.  We however have this extra weight that at times seems completely impossible to lift.   Impossible to cure.  Impossible to move beyond.  And trust me, hearing you always tell us how you guys get it and know what were talking about is annoying and only continues our belief that we shouldn’t talk to you about this.

 

 

 

 

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2.)  “YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT”

Really?  I hadn’t noticed, thanks for that.

When we stroll into work Monday morning looking like a fucking mess it isn’t because we spent the weekend snorting coke and drinking at the clubs like you.  Its because we haven’t slept properly for over 5 years.  Its because our professional and personal relationships fall apart at the seams. Its because we don’t eat properly because were too depressed to give a fuck.

So please, keep your comments to yourself because every time I hear someone say that to me I want to go hide under my covers for another 5 years.

 

 

 

 

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3.) “WHY DONT YOU JUST TAKE MEDICATION?”

Because bitch, then I’m a drug addict.

And don’t get me wrong, mediation is the road some people choose and for them it may be the best option.  However, two things here sweet pie:  First, if someone is taking medication for their problems DONT FUCKING BRING IT UP TO THEM!  That is proper rudeness right there.

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And secondly, a lot of studies show that for long-term progress medication doesn’t score as high as therapy and hard work.    Medication is a quicker fix but what it ends up being is a band aid over a gaping wound.  Once you remove the medication the problem is still there.  You didn’t actually fix anything you just temporarily covered it up.

So please, don’t encourage your friends or family members to stop fighting simply because you don’t want to deal with it.

 

 

 

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4.) “ARE YOU STILL RELIABLE?”

Wow…. can someone in the audience start a slow clap for all the cunts out there who have said this.   If you’re an employer or teacher or coach or any role of authority out there DO YOU REALLY THINK ASKING THIS WILL IN ANY WAY POSSIBLY HELP THE SITUATION?

Cuz clearly we don’t have enough shit to deal with already.  But I’m sorry that my misery is causing you to worry.  Because you’re right guys, you’re clearly the victim here…..

Advice:  get over yourself and offer support not judgement.  EVERYONE will benefit I promise

 

 

 

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5.) ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: “GET OVER IT”, “ARE YOU STILL ACTING LIKE THAT?”, “YOU KNOW WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS”, “YOURE JUST DRAMATIC”, “DRAMA QUEEN”, “YOURE DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION”, OR ANY OTHER SELFISH MEAN SHIT

If I ever catch any of you saying this shit I will come and beat you down like I’m Madea

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I understand that as a normal person you will never understand.  I also understand that as a normal person, you will never understand that you will never understand.  So, since we have an understanding that there will always be a misunderstanding I need you to just believe me on this one:

YOU JUST DONT GET IT TOOTS.

This is not us asking for attention.  This is not us dwelling on the past for no reason.  This isn’t a show, because, and not to be mean here…. You’re just a normal person.  Why would we go through all this effort to put on a show for you?  Perhaps thats your inner self-obsession coming through?    Perhaps you’re actually being the drama queen here?  Making our misery somehow about you?   bravo sir, bravo.

ohhhh lord…… oh god, I’m getting mad writing this now…. my inner Madea is coming through again!

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Im sorry I’m sorry!   Im not a mean person its just that you have to understand that your words and actions have consequences, and you can’t just say shit like that to people who are already fragile.    ….oohhh… oh god… here it comes again

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Im sorry for throwing a ham at you….. Im going to be nice now.

 

So lets just come to a truce here.   Im going to be nice and you’re going to be nice.  Got it?   Lets all just work together and be nicer and support each other rather than be pitted against each other.   After all, the Beatles did say “Love is all you need”

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~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

Showing Your Anxiety Where They Can Suck It… With The Help Of Flight Attendants

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Aright bitches, welcome aboard. The duration of this flight will hopefully be the rest of your life.  The destination of this flight will be a place called Happiness.  Now we may hit a bit of turbulence on the way.  Not too worry, these planes are made to weather the storm.

And always remember that.  Our planes are designed to weather the storm. (You getting the metaphor here?  Ok, Good!)

Now sit back and please listen so some important safety instructions

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So lets start by telling your anxiety to fuck itself.

….Yes. Thats right. I said that.  And You should do it.

The main thing to remember is that anxiety is useless.  This is one of the things I’ve learned so far in my journey.

Yes.  The fear of death is good.  its amazing actually! its what keeps you from jumping off a tall building just cuz.

However, when this fear starts invading all of life itself it becomes useless.  For me, I have really bad health anxiety so I’m always afraid I’m going to die.  I know other people have insane fears of water or elevators, or maybe you have more of a generalized anxiety and so normal everyday things just effect you more than they do other people.

When it comes down to it though, none of these feelings are useful for us so heres what we do.

Kindly inform your anxiety that there are four emergency exits on this plane.  Two in the front and two in rear.  Then kindly push your anxiety out one of them…. but be gentle, the fall will painful enough for it (sinister smile)

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Now don’t be surprised if anxiety manages to get back into the plane.  Anxiety has a way of doing that,  Its a pesky strong little son of a bitch.

If your anxiety manages to somehow crawl back into the plain tell it how sorry you are for being mean…

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…and then respectfully throw it out of the emergency exit once more.

Now lets start healing ok?  During long flights such as this one called life, you obviously need to do things you love to keep from getting bored.  This can be anything.  I don’t care what your interests are (as long as they don’t hurt anyone).  Do it and do it without shame.  You’re a jock who likes gardening? Go for it!   A Girl who enjoys football? ,,,,ugh… I hate football… but hey, if makes you happy more power to you! ;p

Doing things we love helps keep the anxiety away.  Remember that!

Now, when the plane hits turbulence you may feel a bit panicked.

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Yes yes yes….. turbulence is a bit scary.  But listen.  YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!  As my therapist always said don’t let a lapse turn into a relapse.

We will get through just put on your life vest if it makes you feel better and incase we make a water landing….

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….but i doubt we will need to.  We are all so much stronger than we think we are.

and always remember the next time your mind creates an image of a scenario that looks like this:

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Give it a think.  Is this really how the situation is?  Or is this just our constructed image of it?

Maybe life can be better

Always remember that.  LIFE CAN ALWAYS BE BETTER.   No one is ever lost or stuck forever.  Keep fighting its worth it! 

And if anxiety ever comes again…. well…

turn around like this:

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and push that fucking cunt out of the emergency exit.

Fly High!

~ The Dark Horse