Tag Archives: comedy

Glimpses of Celebrity: Fame is Scary

Hollywood Red Carpet

So, one of my celebrity interviews for the magazine went live this week, and this celebrity shared the interview on their social media pages.

Now, this wasn’t my first celebrity interview, I’ve done probably a dozen within the last year. However, this is the first time that someone this prominent shared the interview on their social media pages.

And damn… It’s scary.

Now look, we all know that trolls exist online, but it’s so much different when those trolls are attacking something you created. A vast majority of the replies were positive. But some were weird…Some made no sense…and one even accused me of making a spelling mistake! (Which made me freak out, because I was sure I knew the spelling of that word, so I went onto Dictionary.com and, yes, I was right.). BUT STILL!

People, It’s so weird!

Like, why does someone feel the need to make a comment about a spelling mistake? Especially when that person doesn’t even know how to spell the word?!??!

Where does this confidence in one’s self come from?

movie premiere

And I know that I’m not the celebrity. I know that the weird comments were geared towards them… But still, it’s like, I’m the one who contacted their PR person, I’m the one who formulated the questions, I’m the one who spoke to them, I’m the one who reordered, and wrote, and formatted the interview… and you know what, I’m very proud of my work and where I’ve gotten in my career! So, yeah, I have a personal investment in the interview. So seeing people be sleazy online has just really hurt me.

And it also got me thinking about Hollywood and fame. I mean, the shit we put celebrities through. The shit we say about them. Do we forget that they’re people? Do we forget that they have lives and families? Why do so many people feel the need to knock them down? Is it jealousy? Is it self-hatred?

Also, I should mention that this was a very benign interview. This wasn’t like, “Which rockstar has the smallest cock” type of questions. Honestly, there was nothing in it that could make people angry.

 

But you know, Taylor says it best:

shake it off

So, I’m gonna make myself a tea, and go for a nice walk outside in the sun. And to anyone out there who has ever had someone be an asshole to you for no reason, you just gotta…

shake it off gif

~ The Dark Horse

(PS – hope there’s no spelling miscakes!)

The Joys of Flying Spirit

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Spirit, America’s trashiest airline, has done it again, proving that it is truly one of the worst airlines in the history of the human race, rivaled only by Air Koryo, or Terydactal Airlines from The Flintstones.

So, here we go: First off… they charge for bags, and not just checked bags, but carry ons too. If you’re going to any destination for longer than a day or two, expect to add $55 to any ticket you book.

inflight meal

Secondly, you can’t pick your seat, and the good seats are always saved for those who purchase seat selections or those who have the Spirit credit card… Which, let me just say. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVER BUY THE SPIRIT CREDIT CARD? Do you like feeling embarrassed every time you whip out your wallet? A credit card with Spirit is like a diploma from Trump University…it’s worthless. So, unless you want the middle seat, expect to pay and extra $20 for any ticket you purchase.

Then comes the fact that they serve no snacks or drinks on the plane, not even water. So, if you fly Spirit, expect to add another $20 for the overpriced water and granola bars in the airport terminal.

Also, they have no in-flight entertainment, nor do they have free wifi. So, unless you’re planning on staring at your palms for 3 hours, expect to pay another $10 per ticket on magazines, or to download a movie from iTunes or something.

flying Spirit Airlines

And if you do decide to watch a movie on your laptop…there are NO setback tray tables, so you’ll have nowhere to put your laptop, and the seat is going to be so close to you that you’ll never be able to fit a laptop on your lap anyways.

And this brings us to their delays.  Since Spirit is trash and doesn’t care about you, the passenger, at all, expect to be delayed. Prepare to sit in the airport for hours as unhelpful minimum wage desk agents do absolutely nothing. You’ll need to spend another $30 on food and drinks as you aimlessly wait for your plane to arrive.

flying Spirit

So, if your Spirit flight was $100 cheaper than another airline, like Delta… after adding up all the costs, your travel expenses are no actually more expensive, and that’s figuring that you’re not checking a bag. If you do check a bag, add another $60 to the prices listed above.

 

Was this proofread? Obviously not!

~ The Dark Horse

Fuck Depression, Anxiety, and Panic

fuck

Thats right people.  Join me right now and just scream “FUCK!!!!!” at the top of your lungs!

Life is short.  We only have one.  And yet here we are, lost in our minds.  Lost in misery.  Lost in everything that could have been, should have been, could be, and should be.

But I’m done.   You should be done too.

Depression my dear, look at you.  All old, withered, and miserable.   Well you know what, Im gonna give you the biggest bitch slap you stupid cunt!

fuckit

Thats right people!   Me, and you.  We are better than this.  Were above this.   Depression is us keeping ourselves down due to things that have happened to us.  Maybe it was being bullied as children.   Or maybe you have lost a loved one.  Or have been raped, or any other horrible thing or things out there!  But one thing is for sure:  Giving in to depression is admitting defeat to the past and present.  Its giving even more power to that negativity.

 

Now listen to me closely.

 

 

Walk right up to Depression and smack that son of a bitch harder than you ever thought possible.

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Yes my children rise and fight!!  MWUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!

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Now, anxiety.  You slithering little shit.  You are just our fears gone crazy.    You are nothing.  Your power comes from me.  It comes from the fear I have for everything.   The fear of everything going wrong.  The fear that the worst will always come true.

Now people get into your cars….. start your engines…. and drive that fucker straight into your anxiety!  Roll your windows down and drive at top speed howling “DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH!” at the top of your lungs!  let the neighbors think you’re crazy!

Take inspiration from that astronaut who drive from Texas to Florida wearing the diaper because she needed to kill her boyfriend or something… remember her?  Whats her damn name?…. let me Wiki this quick.

Ah there is it is!  Lisa Nowak. Thats right people, behold your new role model.   This woman drove through 4 states wearing a space diaper (so she wouldn’t have to stop on the way of course) and loaded her car with everything needed for a good ole’ fashioned kidnap/murder scenario.

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Now, if you don’t look as crazy as this woman than you’re clearly not doing it right!   Now drive my pretties drive drive drive!!!!!!!

 

…And then BAM!

 

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Oh dear! It seems that anxiety didn’t look both ways before crossing the street…..well I mean that isn’t our fault is it?  We were just innocently driving down the street right?  (Hey look, I didn’t see anything if you didn’t ok?)

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Oh dear….. So many strange unexplained deaths today.   Moving on…

 

 

 

And lastly, panic.   Ah you.  You. you….you…… so miserable motherfucker.   Like a sadistic child serial killer your main purpose is to cause us trauma.  You love us being scared to death….literally.

Thats right people, panic attacks are when we let all our other issues get to us so heavily that we actually being to think were going to die.  We have very intense that convince this is the end….. well panic, today I have some great news for you.  it is the end! …of you.

 

Hey panic, come over here lets check out this house real quick! ….

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Yeah come on come on!  I think theres children in there!  children who don’t yet know there are problems in the world…. children who aren’t aware of their mortality yet… maybe you should go show them!

Yes….go on!  walk in there….thats right….now close the door….. yea go on!  close it……

 

 

fucking dumbass.

 

 

 

Alright, now lets get to a safe distance….. get in your car and enjoy the show!

 

fuckit5

 

 

 

 

And just remember, if any of you decide to come back…. well Ill have your graves pre-dug for ya.

fuckit8

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Noooooo this wasn’t proof read!   Im busy killing off thing!

 

 

Lets Take The Time To Reinvent Ourselves

strange

So, im sick   (Confetti falls from the sky as women release doves into the air).  When I’m sick I feel like absolute shit.

As if hating my life and feeling like a depressive failure isn’t enough, being sick adds that extra little touch.   You’re too weak and tired to change your life.  Your throat hurts, you can feel what doctors call “post nasal drip” which in reality is literally when so much snot forms in your nose that it has nowhere else to go rather than sliding back down into your throat (its one of the reasons why your mouth constantly has that foul aftertaste in it all the time when you’re sick.   Its because its filled with snot).

The picture above is Jerri Blank.  She is a self described, boozer, user, and loser.  She is the star of the short-lived but highly addictive show Strangers With Candy.   In that show she dropped out of high school as a teenager to become a hooker, a user of all drugs, and a complete blow out.

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Now, at 46, she decides drop her junkie past and to go back to school and restart her life.

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So why am i bringing up this delightful little ex-con and true role model for children everywhere?

Because thats how I feel, and I think thats how we will all feel.

Ive had a rough month.  I made a really intense friendship and sadly he is backpacking and no longer here.  I dropped a friendship that was insanely toxic to me.  I started back at the gym (for the first time in 5 months).  I was tired of my job that Im only working at for the money and have gone part time to look for better things.   All of that on top of the everyday things I think about:  MY PAST AND WHY DID IT ALL GO SO WRONG?  MY PRESENT AND WHY IS EVERYTHING STILL SO WRONG?   AND MY FUTURE:  WILL EVERYTHING ALWAYS BE WRONG? 

Can any of you relate to that? because I think you can.  Most of us with depression, anxiety, panic, or any kind of trauma already live with a life filled to the brim with stress and misery.  So once life throws you a big month….. you’re just bound to sink, and sink I did people… sink I did!

So here I am, worn out, tired, and sick.   In essence, I look and feel like this:

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But here is the beauty my friends!   (and I do believe this quote is from the Scooby Doo move)

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If you’ll recall from the Scooby Doo movie, it begins when the team has already broken up and have all been called separately by a mysterious Mr. Mondavarious. When they arrive on the dock of Spooky Island and meet him and hear about the spooky mystery they inform him the team is no longer together and that solving mysteries was in the past.

Hearing this Mr. Mondavarious says: No, what brought you here was your insatiable appetite for a juicy mystery.

Freddy replies with: The truth is, Mr. Mondavarious, Mystery Inc is broken up.

Mr. Mondavarious responds with:  That’s the beauty of something broken. It can be fixed, and therein lies its potential.

 

So here we are.  Broken. The light is a mere dim fickle flicker.  Energy dwindling.   And there is Jerri Blank.  a 46 year old ex-hooker who used to get fucked by donkeys as a sort of “freakshow” act in Mexico to make money for drugs.

So if that bitch can get her ass back in high school, then dammit we can sort our shit out too!

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Thats right people! feast your eyes on our new role model!

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So how do we do it?  How do we get to the point where we can rebuild and reinvent? Well since I’m sick I’m doing a lot of lounging around.  A lot of reading, and watching movies.  And I’m gonna be honest with you….its really helping

 

I don’t know how it is for you, but a good move can make me feel so much better.  It can really help me re-orient myself.   It can make me smile, make me think, make me different.   Last night I watch Tuck Everlasting.   It was so good and was exactly what i needed

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For those of you who have never seen it, its about a family who has found everlasting life, and one girl who find them in the woods and has to decide if she wants to drink from the fountain of youth.

 

In the movie, the father of the Tuck family tells Winnie, “Don’t be afraid of death Winnie, be afraid of the un-lived life”.

For years that line has always been in my head because I think that is my fear.  I watch my life drift away rather than actually living it.  Im a prisoner to my mind rather than the controller of it .

 

So I know this has been a long post.  To recap remember,

~ YOU CAN DO IT!

~ DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!

~ RETHINK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR VALUES AND THEN THINK IF YOURE LIVING BY THEM

~RELAX AND HAVE FUN!

 

Alright Jerri Blank give us a good inspirational quote to go out on!

strange10

strange11

 

….wow thanks for not being helpful at all.

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..dammit Jerri!

~ The Dark Horse

The Barefoot Contessa’s Recipe For Happiness

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Thats right people! America’s Sweetheart, East Hampton socialite, and gay men magnet, Ina Garten is here to whip up a little something special: Her perfect recipe for us to be happy!

Alright, so I think the first thing we need is: SELF RESPECT

Without self respect we become insanely vulnerable both to ourselves and others.   Without self respect we become easy victims to overeating, drug and alcohol abuse, letting people walk all over us, entering relationships with both friends and lovers who are probably nor really there for us…and so on and so on.  Without self respect where do we even begin?

What do you think about that Ina?

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…No Ina.   Good vanilla is great for a buttercream frosting but were talking about our lives here Ina!

….moving on.

 

I also think the next thing is FINDING HOBBIES YOU ENJOY

Now trust me, I know this sounds soooooo cliche but what else are we going to do?  As miserable people were already miserable (….duh)  And if we just sit around thinking about how miserable we are, all we do is make everything worse.  its a vicious cycle that feeds into itself.   We have to get up and do something!

 

Right Ina?

 

 

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Ina, are you eating?   Were supposed to be writing a blog post together about how unhappy people can become happy!!!!

 

…Rich people, WTF.

 

Number 3 is a hard one for some people.  And this is TO ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!!!!

Now look, if you need therapy DO IT!  Im currently in therapy and I love it!  I think its great!  If you can’t afford it well neither can I!   Your local university can always set you up with psychology services for almost free or free depending on the school.    If you’re ashamed to ask for help, well don’t be!   Do you know most celebrities go into therapy?   The most popular and loved people on the planet are in therapy so why shouldn’t we be doing the same?

Are you in therapy Ina?

foot5

 

Oh…. well i suppose thats similar to a stress ball method?  Letting out some aggressive energy.  Thats always a good thing I guess….

 

Number 4 is to remember to STAY HEALTHY

This is one I always struggle with personally.  When I get really down its just so easy to stop going to the gym, start eating take out, and lay around in bed all day.

And all that really gives me is the feeling of being lazy, pale, fat, weak, and sickly.   Trust me, it never goes well.

 

Ina, what do you do to feel better when you’re down? ….

 

….Ina? …

 

….Hello?  You know, Ina, considering you run a blog yourself Im kind of shocked how bad you are at this…..

 

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EXCUSE ME MRS. BAREFOOT CONTESSA!  Are you working on your own blog?   Were trying to help people here!

fot9

 

 

….as delicious as that sounds I really think we should focus on making a blog post…. about helping people?  Remember why were doing this?

 

Anyways… so where were we…. helping others!  Alright Ina next one is you, what should the next ingredient in the recipe for happiness be?

 

….Ina? …..Ina?????

Where did you go?

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INA GARTEN GET BACK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE THE NEIGHBORS ALONE! 

 

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INE GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!

Ugh ok look, I have a middle-aged East Hamptonite running wild I have to go get her.  Just remember we all deserve happiness so do something for yourself today!  You deserve!

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Sorry I don’t have time to proof read this, I have to go take Ina to the organic cheese and olive delicatessen before they close!

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Staying Happy When You’re Feeling Down

hap

Now look….obviously, I try to keep my blog high-brow (cough cough)…. ok, I do swear a lot, and Im pretty sure Ive talked about quite a few racy topics, but anyways in general my blog is more than just stupid pictures that make people laugh….

having said that, there is no shame in doing WHATEVER you have to do to make yourself happy when you start feeling depressed or stressed or sad.

So, lets blatantly, shamelessly, and whole-heartedly allow ourselves to be happy right now , sound good?  Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.  Deal?  Sweet!

For starers, a good animal picture ALWAYS makes you happy.  I don’t care what you say, or how many allergies you have to whatever animal you have allergies to.  Animals are fucking hilarious.

 

Homeowners drove home to find their dog stuck in a shrub…..with clearly no place to go.

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This is clearly how the creators of Lost wrote the script:

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Still not feeling better?  Well perhaps this will help.   One of my favorite ironies of this world is that once you hit a certain level of wealth dressing to be cool and popular doesn’t even matter to you anymore.   And you suddenly start becoming interested with fashion that ranges from weird to ugly to ugly-weird….and it all costs over 10,000 dollars:

Why????

hap5

 

I want to ask “why???” again but instead I find myself asking, “…..what?”

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Perhaps this is was inspired by the movie TRON meets  Bob The Builder? (All the rage in Paris I’m sure)

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Oh ok I see, you’re one of those sappy people who wants a video filled with heart warming tales to brighten your day?   Well I’ve got one of those too!  BAM BABY!

 

 

Well perhaps a diva llama will brighten your day?

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How about a sassy soon-to-be-fashionista?

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How about this lovely executive who is about to give you a raise…..quid pro quo

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Ok, then this doggy driver has to make you at least giggle!

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Alright well I hope I made at least some of you smile!   I know I had a good time writing this post so at least thats one person who is feeling better today!

Remember you’re strong, you can make it through the day!

~ The Dark Horse