Tag Archives: depression

Coronavirus and Mental Health

COVID-19

So, there’s no point in lying, is there? This totally fucking sucks.

If you’re lucky, you’re trapped in a house. If you’re unlucky, like me, you’re trapped in a tiny apartment with a roommate in Brooklyn. There’s not much to do. We’re stuck in very close quarters, and ya know…there’s that whole looming fear of death in the air (quite literally).

And so, our mental health takes a toll. Right now, everyone’s mental health is being put to the test, but for anyone like me, who already struggles with things like depression and anxiety, this is truly, seriously, honestly, REALLY pushing the limits of our sanity. I’m only a few days away from going as mad as a hatter.

hatter

Fun story – Do you know the phrase “mad as a hatter” comes from the fact that mercury used to be common in the hat-making process? So, many hatters would get mercury poisoning, and appear to be drunk or insane.

The things you learn in quarantine…. 

Anyhoo – where was I? Something about losing my mind, right?  Ah, yes. So, here we are, trapped, locked, and so forth, and what exactly can we do about it? Unfortunately, not much. This is one of those horrific situations where we are just forced to wait it out.

But at the same time, for people who struggle with mental health, isn’t that kind of our strength? Most people around the world are like, “I’m trapped in a miserable state and there’s no way out of it!”

And we’re like, (sips tea) “Hunny, that’s called my fucking life.”

And so, what shall we do?

Well, I’m drinking lots of tea (the good stuff too), I’m watching lot’s of shows, doing lots of writing, and I’ve just started a new book. Everyday, I go out for a little walk because I think fresh air is important (obviously, I keep my distance from others) and really, that’s about it.

Nobody said this would be easy or fun…

maggie smith

…But then again, we’re used to that, aren’t we? 

 Remember – If you’re in need of mental health help during these tough times, reach out! Beyond Blue has amazing resources. The CDC (as crappy as the CDC is) has a webpage on mental health during the crisis, and NAMI also has a page set up. And if you’re in desperate need of help, here is a list of crisis hotlines around the world.

Keep calm, carry on, drink tea, watch porn, do whatever ya gotta do to keep yourself safe and sane!

~ The Dark Horse

When COVID-19 Destroyed the World

Ireland

Up until a few days ago, nothing seemed real. I was in rural western Ireland on assignment for a magazine. Fresh air, fields of sheep, mountains, and the all the Irish Breakfast tea I could ever dream of.

We would see the news from time to time. Westchester County in New York was in a red zone. The death toll rising daily. Italy was beginning to collapse. But, then I’d look out at the lake, the fresh smell of spring, the birds in the trees. It was so easy to feel unaffected.

Then, the news came that Trump was closing off entry from Europe except for the UK. Ireland is not part of the UK for anyone wondering. Suddenly everything became real. Talk of having to rush to the airport and escape Ireland circled the table of reporters… But luckily, Trump soon came out and rephrased, saying, “The UK and Ireland.”  The consensus around the country was that Trump didn’t realize that Ireland wasn’t part of the UK. We all had a laugh, and life went back to being delusional and removed the outside world.

county mayo

That lasted for a few days… Until more news came, that the UK and Ireland were now included in the ban. Reality came flooding in. It was time to leave Ireland. The entire world was shutting down. The feeling of being protected, of being immune, of being separate, suddenly vanished.

The next morning we were on a flight back to New York City, only to find that the city was now in lockdown. Gyms, restaurants, cafes, bars, and stores, were are all closed. A few restaurants are still open for delivery and take out only. Now, a full lockdown is set to begin tomorrow. It will now be illegal for offices to ask employees to come into work. Places will be fined if customers are found inside. And there is a general sense of Armageddon in the air.

However, as I write this, the sun is shining out my window. The cherry blossoms in Williamsburg are beginning to bloom, and birds are chirping in the sky.

It’s strange. They say the coronavirus could end up killing close to 100,000 people…and yet, Mother Nature wouldn’t even know. Life goes on, whether we’re a part of it or not.

~ The Dark Horse

SPRING IS ALMOST HERE!

early spring

It’s March.

I’m sick with the flu. But Its March. So it’s ok. Spring is almost here. Winter is almost gone. Oh god oh god oh god… DEEP BREATH… I’m just so thankful. I don’t want to be dramatic or anything, but I swear winter is the most oppressive force known to man. All the darkness. The cold. And the colds. During January and February, I spend the entire two months feeling like I’m struggling just to live. Like every breath is harder and harder to take.

drowning

Ok, I promised I wouldn’t be dramatic.

But it’s soooooo hard! Winter fucking sucks. Winter is honestly the worst thing that’s ever happened to planet Earth. And sure, sure… I know. We need winter. The preserved water held in ice and snowpack on mountains that thaws slowly through the rest of spring and summer is what provides fresh water to numerous plats and animals all over the world…

BUT DEAR SWEET LORD! IS THERE NO BETTER WAY? 

Or, government of Singapore, if you’re reading this, can I please have a visa to live in your country? I will gladly live in 85 degree weather forever and ever til’ death do we part!

springtime

But, It’s March. Let us not forget this! IT IS MOTHERFUCKING MARCH! Soon, the weather will warm. Trees will bloom. Cold and flu season will die ( YESSS DIE YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!!) and I won’t have to bundle under layer upon layer just to go do anything.

I’m currently living in this converted warehouse in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, so It’s always cold (at least during the winter) so I even have to bundle up just to go pee.

Goals for Spring – No longer have the flu. And move out of Brooklyn.

To where? who knows. Perhaps Manhattan? Or perhaps halfway around the world?

~ The Dark Horse

 *** Not proofread, still sick (with the FLU I might add… where’s my pity?) so therefore, by rule of blogging, I don’t have to proofread ***

 

 

 

 

 

Sick Twice in One Month

sick

So… I was sick at the start of February, and now I’m sick again. I had a cold, and now I have the flu…even though I did get my fly shot this year. Moments like this are proof that the universe is a bitch.

There’s no real existential meaning to this post or lesson to be learned. It’s just me, being pissy. I hate being sick (obviously) and it’s especially bad when you’re in sick in a frigid winter (duh) and to get the flu right after a cold is absolute hell. The doctor did write me a note though saying I’m contagious for five days and should work from home next week… So, silver linings?

So, what should I do? Any recommendations? Anything good on Netflix I should check out? I’m sick and dying and probably only have 48 hours left to live before the flu removes my soul from this wretched mortal coil. How shall I spend it?

dead

Anyways, it was nice knowing everyone. If you never hear from me again, just know it was the flu that killed me. And let this be proof to everyone that life is an empty hellhole just waiting to consume you.

~ The Dark Horse

(No, this wasn’t proofread. I have the flu. I shouldn’t have to proofread while I’m on my deathbed, that just isn’t fair.)

So, I Kind of Lied

brooklyn boulders

So, I have a confession to make. In the last post, I mentioned that I had to go to indoor rock climbing with my new friend. I had said I didn’t want to go because of how expensive it was and because of how annoying all the indoor rock climbing people are.

And don’t get me wrong, that’s all true. But that wasn’t the real reason why I was dreading it so much. The truth is, I was afraid. There’s a lot that I haven’t done in my life. Since nobody talked to me growing up, and since I had to deal with the panic attacks and agoraphobia…my life has been quite small. There’s a lot I have never done.

And nobody is good at things they’ve never done before. So, my real fear was that I was going to fail. I was terrified of having a fear of heights on the huge walls, or of being too weak to pull myself up. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my new friend, especially since its’s practically impossible for me to make friends. I also didn’t want to have a panic attack while I was three stories up on a climbing wall.

I was fearing the worst.

rock climbing

I couldn’t stop thinking about spending $50 just to have a horrible night and wind up losing a friend because of what a total pussy I am.

But, I’m proud to say that I did it. And the night went well. And I climbed to the very top of the wall (granted, it was on the Level 1 rock wall) BUT, STILL! I was there, dammit! 

I climbed that Level 1 wall and made it my bitch.

I also felt very emotional after. I say this all the time. Life after agoraphobia is like being born a second time. You find yourself having your “firsts” all over again. Your first walk around the block. Your first trip to the grocery store. Your first ride on the subway. And still, even five years after agoraphobia, I still find myself having these firsts.

But granted, nowadays, they’re things like “First time speaking at a podium” and “First time to London” and “First time indoor rock climbing.”  I’ve come a very long way from that apartment in Melbourne, where I was all alone, making my very first walk down Clarke Street.

indoor rock climbing gif

First steps lead to first climbs I suppose.

 

~ The Dark Horse

Wish Me Luck…

rock climbing

So, do any of you know that indoor rock climbing is a thing now?  Stupid fucking hipsters love to waste their days by climbing walls because they clearly have nothing better to do.

Well, in an attempt to be more social, I’ve agreed to go to one of these stupid places. I have to go this afternoon and I’m dreading it. Indoor rock climbing “gyms” are full of weird white people who are really into indoor rock climbing. You know the weird cults that form around SoulCycle and Cross Fit?  It’s like that. It’s a bunch of people filming themselves climbing a wall for their Instagram and then tag it with stupid shit like #SundayFunday and #LiveLifeHealthy.

I’m dreading this. I don’t like rocks. I don’t like climbing. I don’t like hipsters. But… This is 2020. America only has two types of people left. Annoying #woke hipsters and Trump supports. And since I obviously don’t want to be around Trump supporters, I’m forced to try and mingle with the #woke among us.

rock climbing gif

Look at that fucking shit. These are not my people. My people are little old ladies who sip tea and eat cake while discussing their past travels to the Darjeeling.  Why can’t more young men be old tea ladies? Why am I forced to partake in this blatant display of I’ve-Literally-Never-Had-A-Real-Problem-In-My-Life-So-Let-Me-Just-Climb-Walls-To-Give-Myself-Some-Potential-Danger-To-Focus-On.

If I never post again, it’s because I’ve fallen to my death in the absolute stupidest way to die possible.

rock climbing

Fuck this world.

~ The Dark Horse