Tag Archives: dreams

A Positive Voice Can Make All The Difference

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So the other day i was really down.  My job is making me feel like shit.   My parents are making me feel like shit.  Society is making me feel like shit.   So, I was just all-around feeling like shit.

So, I called Lifeline.  Which people listen to me,  WHEN YOU ARE DOWN CALL LIFELINE!  THEY ARE AMAZING.   Id rather have you call lifeline and talk it out than go through the day feeling too depressed or anxious to live.

So I started listing off everything like a crazy person:

~ grew up gay in Ohio and have never had friends

~had to work full time during college to pay for college, and thusly totally missed out on the college experience and internships because i was busy working full time on top of school

~ Have been traveling around the world since graduation looking for a place to land…and haven’t found it

~my new job with sucks and doesn’t pay well, and my parents yelling at me constantly telling me to grow up

~ And how I’m applying to grad school but am worried about finances and if it will even pay off.

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And I swear to God she is like….. “sweetie, you need to slow down”.   So I slow down, take a breath and let her talk for a bit as I cool off.   She starts talking about how the economy is different now than it was for my parents.   Its normal to be 26 and lost in life these days.  She then tells me its also partly me:  She said, and I swear to you I loved this…she was like, “Look I can tell just from talking to you that you’re very smart.  Probably smarter than most people.   And Im sure way smarter than the people you work with since you’re working in retail”… “And you need to understand that small-time jobs and small-time people will never click with you,  because you’re meant for more”.

I literally was filled with warmth.   Someone actually on my side?  Someone who actually believes I can do something with my life?    IS THAT WHAT HAVING SUPPORT IN LIFE FEELS LIKE????   

I just relaxed in my seat  ( I was driving when I called because I just didn’t want to be at home).   I slowed down, went down some side streets and just smiled.   Hearing something nice….oh my god.  it was amazing!

Then she said, So what are you wanting to go to school for?  And I said Creative Writing.  Then she said, “Well you know, maybe you could find a compromise?   Get a day job and just write on the weekends as a hobby?”.   This made me kind of annoyed because is this something I hear from everyone…just another GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS comment.   But I tried to let her keep talking….but I just couldn’t. I had to tell her I actually feel because nobody else ever lets me.

So I said, well If I do that, how do I control this dying feeling I have inside?  And she was like… what do you mean?

So I told her that the idea of me not being able to live my dreams gives me a feeling like my intensities are being ground inside me.   Like Im suffocating.   Like theres no point in living.

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I want to write.  I want to inspire people!  I want to motivate people to want to continue living!  I want to make stories that are full of adventure, friendship, love, and overcoming obstacles that seem impossible…. until the end when you find out that hard work, dedication and a bit of teamwork can accomplish anything.   Growing up movies and books were my only friends.  After being called faggot all day at school, after the teachers would pretend like they didn’t see kids throwing things at me, after coming home and having my parents ask me why I had no friends, I could run up to my room and watch a movie or read a book.  They were my friends.   They were the ones who taught me about life.   I could see people who were like me, in situations that seemed hopeless…but you know what?  Somehow they always managed to conquer evil.  To win in the end.  To accomplish goals that seemed impossible!   And along the way they always made friends, had an adventure, and came out better people in the end.   I want to be able to give that to other people.

The she was silent for a few seconds… and then said:

“Sweetie, then you have no choice but to be a writer.   I’m sorry about what I said before… you’re dedicated, you know what you want, and you’re intentions are genuine.  You don’t have a choice but to chase your dreams”.

The biggest smile ever came across my face.  I just thought, FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS

Then she continued, “You know you may never make six figures though right? You may never accomplish wealth…”  And I was like, “Look, If I was happy and doing what I loved and was helping people, Id be fine living in a little apartment for the rest of my life, because Id have happiness, and self-worth.  Which is way better than money”.

Then she just laughed and said, “Honey, you will be very successful in life.  You are so genuine and want to write for all the right reasons.  You should also do public speaking,  you’re great at it”…

Then I was like, ” UUUGGGHHH I’d lllllllooooooovvvvvveeeee to do TED talks you have no idea!”

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She was like, “You know what, I really like you!   Here’s what you need to do.  Stop talking about your life to people in your hometown.  You’re better than them and you know what, jealousy will probably always make then hate you….and continue put you and your dreams down.  Normal people don’t chase their dreams because there afraid.  So they settle.  Don’t ever let them influence your life”.

 

I can’t even tell you how much that talk meant to me.    It just goes to show how much a positive voice in your life can change everything.

So, here I am, refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to fight the fight.

Never give up, never surrender!

~ The Dark Horse

UUGHHHH no this want proofread!  Who has the time??

 

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Stop Dreading The Future!

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When you think of the future does it look like this?

 

I know mine does.   Sometimes I lie in bed at night and can’t sleep and all thats going through my head is:

~ Im going to never have a job that makes me happy

~ I will never find friends who like me for who I am

~ I will never be in love for as long as I live

~ Im going to get stuck working 50 to 60 hours a week like my parents and my life will be nothing more than slaving away for a corporation that doesn’t care about me, and my job will bring me no pleasure

~ I will gain weight and be unhealthy just like every other American stuck in the rat race of their mundane fucking lives

~ Everything I find meaningful in life: A life lived to fullest, changing the world, adventure, love, friendship, travel, and being larger than life….it will never happen.  its a dream and nothing more.

 

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Just like Godzilla destroying Japan, after a few minutes in bed suddenly any hope I have for life is crushed, destroyed, trampled, and left lifeless.

BUT WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?

Well I think a big part of it is other people.    When we tell our dreams and hopes to others, for some reason they LOVE TO PLAY DEVILS ADVOCATE.

You:  Hey I really want to write a book about my experiences in life, I think it could really relate to a lot people out there who are struggling.

Others:  Do you know how many books actually get published?  You have a 1 in 100,000 chance.

Is writing really a stable career?

Are you even a good writer?

Im just worried….. Its nothing against you, Im just looking out for your best interest….

You: …..(walks into bedroom and decides to just not live the day because watching a movie under the covers will inspire you more than any actual human in your life will).

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE?  

TELL

THEM

TO

FUCK

OFF

 

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Thats right, be more like Cookie, and put those cunts in their place.

 

For real, think about it.  Listen to any person who achieved great success:  actors, writers, advocates, politicians, ANYONE…. When they give interviews do they sit there and go:

“Why oh yes, I told my family I wanted to direct films and they were always supportive and everyone I ever encountered in life believed in me.  My first day in LA I got a job at a studio because they just thought I was talented and loved me…”

 No.

They give interviews and say things like:

“Nobody ever thought Id be anything more than a waiter.   I was in New York living in poverty for 5 years before anything good happened, and there were so many days when I thought they were all right and I should just give up”

 

Think about this, Steven Spielberg was rejected from the film school at USC…  yeah suck on that USC.

 

 

We control our future.   We have the power.  Not your parents, or your friends, or your boss.   I don’t care if your dream is to be a writer or an actor.  Or if its something like wanting a career change from finance to medicine.  Or if you’re in a dead marriage and you want to better yourself and get out of it.

WHATEVER YOUR STRUGGLE IS RGHT NOW.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

IT IS YOUR LIFE!

 

So the next time you talk to someone and they are telling to

BE REALISTIC….

GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS…

STOP DREAMING….

Just say:

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Did that little shit not take the hint?  Still bothering you?  Still trying to bring you down to their level?  Well just remember you’re the bigger person here.  You are following your dreams.  Sometimes you just gotta smack a ho!

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Alright Cookie, show us one more time what we should do to people who doubt us?

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Damn straight bitches!   Sometimes you gotta show em you mean business.

 

Just remember, its your life.  If your friends and family want to take the safe road and stay in their jobs, and keep their life, and then desperately try to live it up on the weekends because its the only time in the week when their lives are actually theirs…. then let them.

But you don’t have to live that way if you don’t want to.    Chasing your dreams is the most admirable thing you can do in life.  just think what the world could be like if we were all living the lives we wanted.  Think of the innovation we could have, the peace the world could achieve, the excitement that could exist everyday.

 

Live it up bitches!

~ The Dark Horse

75% proofread!   ya baby!

 

 

 

 

 

Living A Life With Purpose (And Not Letting The Common Man Bring You Down)

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Alright bitches lets talk about rekindling our dying flame.

If you’re anything like me, then you’ve probably stumbled across this blog because its tagged under depression, anxiety, or panic.  Or maybe you’re looking for inspiration because you feel different, or have suffered trauma in you’re life, or perhaps you’re just a good ole’ fashioned outcast who doesn’t fit in.   Well honeybabies lets talk about being better and rising about the clutter of the commoner.

Im sure a lot of you see life a lot differently than other people.   You probably have a worldview thats vastly different from normal people.   And I’m guessing a lot of you have probably experienced a lot of pain that the common man won’t understand.

Is this good or bad?

Is this a blessing or a curse?

Whats the point of seeing the reality of the world if it means you’ve had to achieve this knowledge through years and years of pain?   Well I guess it all depends how you intend on using it.

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For me I’ve kind of been growing into myself lately.  And Ive accepted one thing I’ve always known but have never really admitted until recently:

I Value Power.  Fun Is Pointless Without Having Power

 And I don’t mean that in a crazy Hitler-type way. I mean that I want to have an impact on the world.  I want to add value to it.  Like this blog for example.  I love writing these blog posts! Its one of the highlights of my day!  And these blog posts have value.  I love being able to make people smile.  When I get responses from people thanking me for writing a post and saying I made their day its probably the best feeling ever!

So you see, I have fun doing it, and its something that impacts others.  

The problem is that normal people these days value one thing:

FUN.

Especially people who are in their twenties like me.   They just want to get fucked up on drugs, or fucked up on alcohol, or get fucked by a hot person, and then snapchat and instagram the entire night because they also love the sweet sweet drag of a social media-induced high.

Anyone else feel like me and find that lifestyle to be the most depressing miserable existence possible?

Well here’s what we need to do:

1.) We Must Tell The Commoner To Suck It.

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Yes thats right.  We must gain the confidence within ourselves to say fuck this.  Fuck it all straight into the ground.    Most people these days have easy lives.  Very very easy.  Have you noticed how between about 2005-2011 everyone played the “oppression olympics”?   And all the annoying millennials were influenced by rap and hip hop which were very popular at the time and all wanted to relate to the music and everyone wanted to feel like they’ve really “been though shit”…. Yeah… that was a fun time wasn’t it.

And now we’ve been blessed with hipster culture. And suddenly all these people went from playing the oppression olympics to being the “P.C. Bro”.   Now you say anything even remotely controversial and you get a non-stop onslaught of “How dare you disrespect the blah blah” or “Im actually really offended by blah blah” and so on and so on.

…which is really funny because all these insanely mature hipsters are the same people who get piss fuckin drunk, do drugs, and have sex with strangers they met on Tinder or Grindr.

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So yes people.  It is totally ok to say fuck it to anything these people deem as normal or right.  In fact, I encourage it!

2.) We Must Follow Our Own Dreams And Not Be Afraid, Or Fear Failure, Or Feel Our Goals Are Weird.

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I know its hard.  Trust me, Im right there with you.   When so many people tell us were weird, or we do things wrong, or that were weak, or whatever you hear them say about you….it becomes hard for us not to believe them.   I mean, when a majority of people think  it then there must be some truth to it right?

Wrong.

Remember everything we talked about in Step 1.  The commoner is just that, a commoner. They will literally do and believe anything that popular culture tells them to.  Pay no attention to the mindless drones who slave away 9-5 (which really ends up usually being 8-6) Monday through Friday.  Then come home and have a drink or smoke a little pot to “relax”, and live for the weekend.  Those 2 days in their week they can finally act like the children they actually are and can go to the clubs and snort some shit, fuck some people, and gossip about their lives….. and these people have the fucking balls to consider themselves “weekend warriors”.  In reality they’re not warriors of any kind, they’re sheep.  Going with the flow.  Moving where the Shepard tells them to and not questioning.

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Don’t ever let them tell you that you’re bad or wrong or weird or will be a failure.   Seriously, tell them to go fuck themselves.

3.) Discover Ways To Handle The Obstacles That Will Happen

Shit will go wrong.  Lets all be honest here.  Taking the road less traveled will obviously never be easy at the beginning.  We have to learn how to pave new roads before we can travel on them.   Finding ways to cope and grow from the negatives that will happen in our lives is so so so so important.  Because otherwise we become vulnerable to just giving up and falling flat on our faces and staying there.

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See look at this great advice being given to this insanely cute guy…. who is that, Chase Crawford?  Whoever it is ill take his advice any day thats for damn sure.    And if an insanely attractive guy who was born into a rich family can do it, then so can we right?

(crickets) …..

CMON PEOPLE!   YES YOU CAN!

4.)  Never Give Up and Never Surrender

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Remember Galaxy Quest?  Great movie, you should watch it.   Also remember, we’ve only got one life.   Why make it a miserable one?     Never ever give up.

Remember, if you ever feel alone, I think you can do it.   So you’ve got at least one person on your side!

~The Dark Horse

I Had This Crazy Dream Last Night

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So, I had this crazy dream last night.   It was pretty violent, pretty terrifying, yet oddly invigorating and inspiring.  I spoke with a girl I work with and told her about my dream and she said it was amazing and full of meaning.

Ill write down my dream, and what she thinks it means.  Then in the comments section it would be awesome to hear what you guys think!

THE DREAM:

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Alright, so I’m walking down a city street.  Its about 5, maybe 6pm.   There are all tall buildings on both sides.

In fact, it looked almost identical to this street right here:

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So I’m walking down and suddenly this super big and sort-of attractive buff blonde guy starts giving me shit  (you know the type, kinda cute, but has some acne…probably from the steroids….and has a real shit temper….probably from the steroids….and is looking to prove his masculinity in strange rage-filled ways…. probably stemming from the same insecurities that drove him to use steroids)

He starts calling me faggot and getting all gorilla like, throwing his hands in the air making whatever those weird hand gestures are straight guys use to show they mean business…..very primal boys….very primal, congrats.

So he comes at me and pushes me down

There are people all around and nobody seems to notice.  He’s sitting on me so i can’t move, holding down my arms as he calls me pussy and faggot and tells me he’s going to kill me.

I remember feeling weak.  Feeling tired. Feeling hopeless.   Feeling alone, abandoned, and scared.    Its strange though, the feeling of hopelessness and sadness was far greater than the sense of fear.

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Suddenly I wake up.

Im lying there.  Unable to sleep or think about anything else besides:

Why am I so weak?  Why am I someone’s prey?  Why am I so alone? Why am I always filled with so much dread?

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I don’t think I can go back to sleep.  I don’t know how I somehow managed to fall back into…

DREAM #2

Im back on the same city street.  Walking along again, feeling like this had just happened. Suddenly a guy starts harassing me.   He is about my age (26) my heigh (6’1 foot) so he’s a tall guy.  He is in shape and good looking.  He isn’t buff tho.  Average to athletic build, but not buff.   He seems more manageable than the last one.  He seems easier.

The story seems to start to repeat itself.  He comes up calling me fag and telling me he’s going to kill me.  Then he grabs my shirt.

I however, am not the same.   I push him back.

He comes up and tries to punch me but I dodge it.

I then kick him in the balls causing him to fall to the ground.

I kick his face.  He starts to bleed.

I however, don’t want to kill him.  I am not a murderer. So once he’s down, I run into a Chinese takeout shop that happens to be on the street. I tell them to call 911.

Almost immediately after I yell that, he’s running into the shop and throws me into the black and white checkered tile wall.   He comes up to punch me when I grab his head.

I then slam his head into the tiled wall.  I yank his head off the wall and then slam it into it again.   He’s clearly starting to lose the ability to fight.  I throw him onto the ground and pull off his belt and tie it around his neck as I start to choke him.  Then, using the belt, I lift his head and neck up off the floor and then I release, letting him drop back onto the floor.

I do this repeatedly until he is bloody, barely conscious and looking like he will never be able to fully recover.  I see a baseball bat behind the counter and decide to finish it.

With one strong, steady, fast swing of a metal baseball bat aimed directly at his skull, i take his life.

Then there is a weird cut, almost to like the ending of an action movie, where I’m sitting on the edge of an open-doored ambulance answering questions from police.

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There are firefighters, police, medics, the media, and a crowd.

I tell the police it was out of self defense.  People in the take out shop are there explaining that it wasn’t my fault.   I watch as a medical crew pull a body body bag past me in a stretcher.

There is a feeling that people are on my side.  That I’m not seen as a bad guy, but as a victim who had to do what he had to do.

Then….

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Im awake again.  Feeling weird.

Feeling brutal, toughened, kind of scaring myself with how violent I had become.  But at the same time I felt free.  I felt liberated.  I felt badass.  Strong. Ready to take on the world.

I went to work that morning and had to tell my story to someone.   This girl I told it to is kind of one of those weird emo/gypsy/wicken type girls, so she always has something interesting to say.

HER INTERPRETAION

So she said it was kind of a rebirth.  The first time was my feelings of being weak and powerless.   I was letting out my insecurities and hatred of the world.  My fear of men, my fear of closeness, my fear of interacting, my fear of everything really.

The second dream is my subconscious acknowledging and being empowered by what I’ve learned.  By the strength I’ve gained.  I am stronger than I was.  I am better.  I can hold my own.

Im living in a foreign country.  I keep moving.  I keep going. With depression, anxiety, and a fear that life won’t get better.  But I haven’t given up.

I am finally seeing the strength and the will power I have.

So all in all, wasn’t such a bad night!

So, what do you guys think?  I wanna know your thoughts!

~ The Dark Horse

(I was proof reading…then i got really into it and think I kind of just stopped…oops)

 

 

 

 

 

 

In It To Win It!

So this song is very supercharged for me.  Growing up and dreaming of making it LA to go into movies, this song was my anthem. The only problem was… it was also the anthem of every high school kid in Ohio.

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The difference was that I was serious.  I actually had a goal and was determined to accomplish it.  Every other kid was just lying to themselves about the fantasy they would live outside of Middle America one day, but not me.  I was balls to the wall serious about escaping my boonfuck hometown.

They however, obviously so obsessed with themselves, were never able to see that I was much more determined than they were.   They believed that the idea of SoCal was for them and I was just a loser who was trying be “one of the cool kids” and pretend like I cared about California as well.

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But Oh… They didn’t know the truth.  They never knew, and Im pretty sure they still have no idea.

I am IN IT TO WIN IT! 

And I want all of you to be as well!  I did make it out to California.  And I even started modeling while I was there.  How many other kids from my high school came out to California? …. 0.   Thats right. None, zip, nadda, nope! not one!

What I’m trying to show you is that the people who put you down in life.  The ones who don’t believe in you and want nothing more than for you to fail, are the weakest people you’ll ever meet.   They are scared, weak, small, and lazy.

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If you have a dream and a goal.  GO FOR IT!  Even if you see yourself as the weakest most unpopular hated person in the world.  GO AND DO IT!  

The road to bettering yourself is a noble and worthwhile one!  Don’t let the negativity of of others make you feel that you like you can’t accomplish the goals you have.  Because you can for sure!  I KNOW YOU CAN! 

So, Im now here living in Australia.  And yesterday I heard “California” come on the radio at a cafe I was at and I just kind of sat back and smiled.    Thought of my journey through life so far.  From Ohio to Chicago, to Los Angeles, to The Northwest Territories, and now to here in Melbourne.    Its been a journey thats for sure.  And I will tell you it doesn’t always go as planned….but hey, thats life!

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Keep your eye to the sky and remember that you’re not normal!  You’re in it to win it!

The Dark Horse!