Tag Archives: family

The Post-Christmas Blues

win

 

So, this time of year is always the same.

After the rush. After the hustle and bustle. After all the lights, the music, the food, comes the quiet.

The silence.

The after-Christmas nothingness.  And I fucking hate it.

 

Everyone has gone back to their own lives, taking their presents and their presence with them.

And life seems to slow to a halt. The magic is all used up. And somehow, everyone seems to be so ok with it.

Everyone besides me seems to love when Christmas is over. “I’m exhausted” they say. “I’m broke” they complain. “The holidays are always so stressful” they shout.

But me, I feel differently.  I love the holidays.  The love the busyness.  I love everything about the rush. And I can’t help but feel a little down every December 26th. It actually shocks me how quickly the world can move on from it.

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At least for my family, we have one day a year when everyone gets together. We have one day a year when we eat a meal together. We have one day a year when we can surprise each other with gifts…

But somehow, even this one single day seems to be too much time for my family.

Christmas seems to be an inconvenience more than a holiday.

We hit a new record this year: My aunt arrived at about 6pm Christmas Eve. Stayed till around midnight. Then came back Christmas morning for one hour to say goodbye, and grab her presents.  That’s a total of 7 hours. How many hours are in a year?

8760.

And she could only spare 7?

7 is 0.079908675799087% of 8760

That’s how much time I got to spend with my aunt this year…

 

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If I ever find love in my life, the person needs to come from a huge family. I want to experience a real Christmas sometime. Where spare rooms rooms are filled with family members. Where Christmas dinner is a feast. Where opening presents is a cherished and ornate spectacle.  I hate this rushed and sloppy Christmas that my family has.

I hate that my family treats the holidays like a burden.

And shortly after my aunt left, my brother and his girlfriend left. And the day after Christmas, my mom and dad were back to work. And I’m left wondering why I invested all this time and energy to fly home from Boston just to be surrounded for one day by people who could care less, and now… surrounded by nothingness.

I assure you, I think Boston is lame, and I’m so excited to start my new job in New York after the new year. But there is way more to do in Boston than Ohio. I’d much rather be spending my time off from school and work in a city like Boston where I could be doing things… I came home for family, and it seems like none of them care.

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But, even though this sucks, I’m going to try and keep my spirits high.

I have a new job that I’m really excited about in a new city… and not just any city, but New York City. I have so much to look forward to in 2019. 

I’m going to be finishing up my thesis, working towards to completing a book that I hope to get published. I’m going to start working for an awesome media company. I have so much going on in my future.  And I won’t let this post-holiday sadness derail me from my excitement.

So,

Yes, the holidays sucked this year .

 

But, ya know what, fuck 2018.  2019, here I come! 

2019

 

~ The Dark Horse

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Dear Mom and Dad (A Letter They Will Never Read)

cab

 

Dear mom and dad, Im writing this because I know you’ll never read this.    I just wanted to let you know that yesterday, after leaving you at the airport, I arrived safely in Cambridge.   I will begin school next Monday and honestly, Im so excited.

 

I know that I never ever tell you this, but I love you both so much.   You guys have done so much for me and have made so many sacrifices.    Granted, we rarely see things eye-to-eye, and I know you guys don’t get me and my dreams.   But I don’t blame you.   We’re just different types of people and thats fine.

As you both know, I move around a lot.  And Its because I’m trying to find myself.   I have this deep need to be better.  To achieve greatness.  To try and take the world by storm.    But at the same time, I’ve been deeply hurt in my life.  From people who don’t get me.  From people who don’t want watch me succeed.    And in part, I suppose I have left their words and actions affect me to much.  Furthermore,  I can tell you both that it does get lonely when you constantly restart in new locations.  And I do miss you.   And I do have times where I just want to hop on a plane and come home.

 

The reason I never mention any of that to you is because I have too much pride.  I don’t want you guys worrying about me.  Fearing for me.   I don’t want you to know that Im not superhuman.   They say that every child has that moment where they realize their parents are only human.  Merely two flawed Earthlings.   When I found that out about you guys it broke my heart, and so I never want to make you two go through that same thing.

 

 

However, there is good news too.  I have really good hopes for this!  I think my intentions of going back to school are pure.  I almost feel a sense of innocence again.  Kind of like how most kids must feel when they start undergrad.  A blind-hope.  Some kind of just pure happiness and a thought things are about to be awesome.   I think I’ll learn a lot at Harvard.  I think I’ll be challenged.  Be bettered.   I have this sense of optimism and hope.  A feeling that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now…. a feeling I haven’t had in a very long time.

 

 

One day I hope that I can make you both very proud to be my parents ( I know you already are )   But still, I don’t feel proud to be me yet… Maybe thats what Im really hoping for.  And thats something Im never able to tell you.  That I feel like a failure.   I feel like a pathetic and complete failure.   I thought I would be so much more at age 27 than what I am.

 

But again, right now I’m feeling good.  Im feeling hopeful.   Im feeling optimistic.  And I just wanted to let you both know how much you mean to me.  How much I miss you every time I leave, and how grateful I am for your love and unending support.

 

~Love your son, The Dark Horse

The Importance Of Family

alf

So up until recently I have not fully appreciated the concept of family.  Yes, going away to college makes you miss home, and living in Australia last year made me miss home even more but my family has just recently started to…. “mature” i guess?

So my parents only had me and my brother.  And he just moved out for the first time.

On top of that my dad is a firefighter so he works 24 hours on, and 48 hours off.

So on nights when he works the only people in the house are me and my mom…. which is….sad and lonely to be honest.

awkward family photos credit: awkward family photos.com hyperlink to: awkwardfamilyphotos.com
awkward family photos credit: awkward family photos.com hyperlink to: awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Im not used to this kind of thing!  The household has always been the 4 of us, and when Im off living in different cities and different counties obviously I’m taking the cheap road so I’m used to 8 people sharing an apartment basically living like some 1900’s New York City tenement.

The days when my brother does come home even for like a few hours I notice it so much more and appreciate it so much more than I ever did when he was blaring music in his room keeping me up at night.

And furthermore, Im moving again! I leave for New Zealand in 1 month!  That means my mom will be alone on nights when my dad works and they will officially be EMPTY NESTERS. 

Now, take my mom:  Grew up in a family with 7 children.  Then she had me and my brother with my dad, so she has been living in a household of all boys.  HOW WILL THIS WOMAN HANDLE BEING IN A HOUSE ALONE? 

alf3

I don’t know if any of you watch the show Big Brother, but that is what this feels like.  Toward the end of the show when they go from like 16 people down to 3, and they’re just kind of aimlessly wandering around a giant house looking at empty beds and empty bedrooms. (ok I’m being dramatic) BUT STILL YOU GET THE POINT! 

So what am I learning?

Well, although I know I need to make a life for myself – pave my own path, find my own way, make my own friends – I still do care about my family.  And its kind of sad that my family will never be the four of us in a house ever again.

the last form of youth in my life is now over.

But perhaps its also good…im glad my brother is paving his own way in life, and I’m excited for my move to New Zealand, and hopefully my mom and dad will find some time to go do all the things they wanted to before we were born.

travel, take up hobbies, go out to lunch, and so forth.

Maybe although childhood is lost, independence can be found? 

alf4

~ The dark horse