So yeah, I lost a friend the other day. It really sucks. Basically I made a really good friend in New Zealand. He was there for me a lot, and the times that he wasn’t, I can’t blame him. When I hit a depressive streak I become insanely reclusive.
Before I left New Zealand, I traveled with him throughout Southeast Asia and it was one of the greatest times of my life. Those are some memories I will never ever forget.
Sadly though, like all great heroes in Greek storylines, he had a tragic flaw:
He was eternally stuck as a selfish little boy deep down.
Now throughout our friendship I would see this from time to time. For example, while on the trip in Asia at one point her literally said something like, “Ugh…Bali is so boring. I was literally just here 2 months ago with my other friend”.
YES PEOPLE, LET THAT SINK IN:
BALI IS BORING BECAUSE I WAS JUST HERE 2 MONTHS AGO…Seriously?
For those of you who don’t know, this is Bali:
But apparently going here too much is just such a burden for certain people.
Anyways, I let a lot of what he said slide by because, as I have openly stated in my blog many times, I’m not perfect. Far from it actually. I Have fucked up so much in my past. I have failed over and over again. So who am I to judge I would tell myself?
Anyways, he really liked me. He always wanted to be my boyfriend. And for a while I thought maybe I wanted to be his boyfriend too. He can be such a kind person when he wants to be. Like when I would get sick he would order food for me. It was always great to just have some delivery man come to my door with dinner because having the flu sucks. And Having flu when you’re stressed and depressed is fucking horrible.
But as time went on, his immaturity and ungrateful nature became a massive turn-off for me. I, being someone who has really always had to fight for everything on my own, and never had people there for me, just couldn’t grasp how someone like him, someone talented, with friends, and who has a good job could still be so ungrateful.
Then, a few months ago a new low was hit. I remember talking to him while I was really down. Worried about my future, regretful of my past, and completely alone in New Zealand while he was back home in Malaysia
He said something like, “You know I’m really depressed too…”
And I was like, “Dude, stop being depressed. You have a friends. Friends that you’ve had for a long time. I’d kill for that in my life. You also have a good job that pays well that you’re good at. You literally have talent. Talent so good that people pay you to do what you do! And your job allows you travel whenever and wherever you want! If I had the resources of your life I’d use them to their full advantage! ”
And he literally responded with:
“Yeah but I want you. And if I can’t have you then nothing else in my life matters”
YES. What a douche, I know.
And I was like, “….I’m sorry but do you understand how hard it is for me to hear you say that? I’m someone who has ALWAYS struggled to make and keep friends. You know how much it hurts for me to be alone. And yet you’re going to compare the fact that you can’t have me to the fact that I’m always on my own?”
I was literally disgusted. So I told him I would would never ever be able to love him or be in a relationship with him and that in that moment I genuinely hated him.
However, in the last few months (After not talking for a few months) we have been stable friends. Texting and showing each other support for each other. In fact he told me he had a boyfriend back in Malaysia and I was so happy for him! I was glad he had someone since it’s what he always wanted.
But then a few weeks ago he was like, “I don’t even like my boyfriend, I still want you. And one day I’ll have you”.
CREEPER ALERT PEOPLE, CREEPER ALERT! We Have a Creeper On The Prowl
And I said,”You can’t do that to him. It’s wrong, and you’re hurting him”.
And he responded with, “I don’t even care if I hurt him. You’ll be mine someday”.
1.) Thank God he doesn’t know where I live. Cuz….WTF
2.) Again, as someone who has been bullied a lot and who doesn’t have people there for me, I’m very much against hurting people. Something a friend should have known about me.
3.) WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS? Who willingly hurts and leads people on?
So anyways, friendship over. Ive blocked him in all forms of communication and I’m done.
So what now? Where do I go from here? What does this say about me? And about the types of people I hang around?
Personally, I think I need to focus on the future and on the positives. Like,
IM BACK IN SCHOOL! Im doing a Masters Program and have gotten involved on campus and have joined clubs and are making some friends. Some that are very successful and that I think are insanely smart.
Im writing! I’m actually going for my dreams. I’m determined to make something of my life, and tonight I’m going to a writing group on campus, so again, more chances to make friends!
Its March! Which means Spring and Summer are on the way! So I can get out and explore, and hopefully meet some cool people!!!!
So that’s what I’m doing. Do any of you guys have any advice on what to do when you hit some roadblocks in life? And if not, hopefully I gave some ideas for you guys as to what to do when you hit a roadblock. I guess the main, is keep your eye towards the future. Look at where you want life to go, not where it’s been.
Thanks for reading,
~ The Dark Horse
PS….this was soooooo not proof read. sowwyz!