Tag Archives: funny

The Innocence Of Anxiety

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So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

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I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

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Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

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And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

Learning To Laugh At Panic Attacks

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So I have some great news!  I have achieved a new level in the healing process!!!!!

The memories of my panic attacks back in Australia have gone from traumatizing memories to hilarious ones!     It al started when I was trying to explain to someone how horrible it was.

I was sitting there and I was like,

“It was awful!  I would get so dizzy, and I couldn’t make out any focal points, it was like everything was in a fish-eye lens!     Then my legs would get wobbly, and my heart would feel like it was going to explode out of my body!”

Then she kind of sat there and looked half concerned and half curious so I kept going.  I continued:

“Yeah it was traumatic!    My legs would get so wobbly that I was convinced I would collapse!   Then you just get filled with this panic that you’re going to die!”

“Thats terrible!”, she said.   So I went on to really drive home the point of how horrible panic attacks are:

“The worst part is that nobody would help me!  I would be wobbling around, collapsing into things, and people would look at me like I was a meth addict!”

Then she started laughing her ass off!  And I was like,

ITS NOT FUNNY!!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE!….In fact one time I got so scared and I didn’t know what to do,so I just tried to run away and ran in front of a car, then saw the car, and fell backwards onto the sidewalk!  And then everybody was just staring at me so I ran away all wobbly and tripping over myself!”

 

At this point she was on the floor rolling around

 

I was like, DUDE STOP!  THIS IS A HORRIBLE MEMORY!

And then I kind of just sat there and really thought it.  I thought about how I must have looked to random people on the streets of Melbourne.

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How horribly random, and insane I must have looked.  Like something you only see in some Disney comedy.   And then, I started to laugh.   And laugh and laugh and laugh.

 

 

Before long I was on the floor right along with her barely able to breathe I was laughing so hard.

I was like STOP MAKING ME LAUGH ABOUT THIS IT!  ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A HORRIBLE MEMORY!

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But the more I yelled at her, the more she just couldn’t control herself.   And the more she couldn’t control herself the more I couldn’t either.

 

Now, whenever I think of those moments I can’t help but laugh.  They have become funny to me.  So completely insane and unbelievable they i have no other reaction but to laugh.

 

So there we go people healing in action!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

Lady Dynamite (Or, That Show You Should Totally Be Watching!)

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stand-up comedian (and personal favorite of mine) Maria Bamford has released a show on Netflix and its fucking amazing.    Its hilarious in all the good ways and also is stunningly true to mental illness.

Its called LADY DYNAMITE and its on Netlflix.

There are so many parts in this show where Im watching and going…. “holy fuck she’s nailed it right on the head!”.

 

Now I hate spoilers so Im not going to give anything away.  Ill just give a real brief, broad, and vague overview of the show.  It takes place in three time periods.  The “Past” where Maria Bamford rose to success as a stand up, got her big gig as the crazy Target lady, and appeared on TV shows.  The show also focuses on “Duluth”.  Her hometown that she returns to during her stay in an institution and her recovery back home.   And then it also deals with the “Present” which is about her life currently (and is also the most fictionalized portion).

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Now what really makes this show so insanely special to me is that I don’t watch it going “oh the downfall of another person with mental problems….how sad”.   I watch it with absolute joy.  I resonate, relate, enjoy, and empathize with Maria Bamford.  And its so much sweeter because she is such a great person.   Its about her living with mental illness, not failing with mental illness.

There are points where I go “Dude, thats totally happened to me”.   and “Fuck ya Ive been there” and “Yep…thats exactly how people treat me”.    But never ever and I’m crying over it like some sappy drama.  Instead I’m laughing.   I just want to walk into my TV and give her a big pat on the back and laugh about it!

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Now again I can’t keep talking about the show because I don’t want to give away any specific plot points or anything because I hate spoiling it for people!  What I will say is to YouTube search her as well.   She has done some really amazing and hilarious interviews about mental illness that I think are great and will probably give you a good laugh!

~ The dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Had A Panic Attack At The Gym Today (Or, Never Back Down!)

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So whats the picture you’re looking at?  Well thats my hand.  And whats all those red marks?  Well thats blood.

You see , whenever I have a panic attack at the gym and I feel like I’m losing my mind, getting dizzy, tired, and am going to pass out, I go to the locker room because I keep a blood sugar monitor in my gym bag.

So I test my blood sugar, and if my sugars aren’t low, I force myself to walk back out onto the gym floor and continue with my workout.

Thats right.

I go back out on the floor with a bloody finger and champ on like nothing is wrong.

And obviously, when you have an open wound and you start lifting heavy things it encourages blood flow and so your hand gets a little….um….. red.

 

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So why am I bringing this all up?  Well because dealing with depression, anxiety, and panic is all about never giving up.  Its about not letting your brain win.  You my sweet little luvmuffins must rise above and kick ass.

 

I will admit, this is a much heated debate between me and my therapist:

She says she worries its a coping method.  Like a drug.   You get anxious, you then test, you then feel better from the reassurance.  Much like, a smoker craves the cigarette, lights one up and feels the burn, then feels better.

I see it as, I have 2 options: Have a panic attack and embarrass myself so badly at the gym that I never return, or I challenge my belief that I’m feeling weak, see its in my head, and then I force myself to continue on.

 

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So what have we debated it out to?  Well, we have come to an agreement:   Testing the blood sugar is ok for the time being since I only do it if Im having a panic attack.  If it was a habitual thing (Like, if I needed to test once a day to make sure I’m ok) then it would be a problem.   But we’ve both agreed that shedding a bit of blood is fine if it means I will 1.) Continue the workout and not freak out and leave, and 2.) Continue to regularly go to the gym.

 

Whats so important about working out and getting some exercising?  Well Im so glad you asked!  Theres tons of reasons!  obviously, keeping yourself healthy mentally and physically is very important for anyone, but especially for us with mental health issues.

“Well hey that sounds dandy!  What kind of benefits does it have for us folks?”

Well I’m so glad you asked!  Ill tell you now!

1.)  The one I’m sure you’ve all heard of.  exercise releases neurotransmitters, endorphins and endocannabinoids.   These are basically the “happy drugs” your body creates.  These chemicals interact with your brain and basically tell it to cheer the fuck up.

2.) Secondly, while temporarily lowering the immune system while working out, it has long-term immune system defense powers!   Its the same with muscles.  Your body goes “Oh damn this muscle is torn! Lets patch it up with more muscle!   and thats how you go from this to this:

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Same deal applies with the immune system.  Your body recognizes your body is in turmoil during a workout and therefore ups its game in the immune system.  Hence, healthier humans.

3.) Better self-esteem.  We are humans (sadly).  And despite the fact that we all experience so much pain and misery we still have our basic animalistic side.  Being less sexually desirable effects us mentally….as it should.   Its part of sexual selection.  Its how the human race learned to outcompete through evolution.   Its why fit healthy people raise fit healthy children.  Their genes are stronger.  Ever hear people talk about how “family history” with illnesses gives you a higher chance of having it?  Thats evolution.

We are attracted to physically fit people because its in our genes to be.  Fucking a hot person will mean heather babies.   Therefore, making your physical health better, actually makes you in better mental shape as well because your self esteem goes up!

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Consciously we see this as a “hot guy”.  But the reason for that is because our bodies are saying, “FUCK THIS MAN! HE WILL PRODUCE STONG HEALTHY OFFSPRING!”  ….However, I have to admit for gay guys like me…. the purpose of our sex drive seems relatively meaningless i suppose considering that a man on man experience will never produce offspring…. anyways, thats for another post.

4.) Lets all be straight up and honest here…. if you’re miserable and depressed theres one sure fire way to make it even worse, and thats getting fat, and lazy.  Now weight gain has SO MANY MORE implications than just being less sexually desirable.  Your immune system gets weaker, the health of your skin gets worse (which is why fatter people always seem to have blemishes and why fit people seem to have the skin of Greek gods) cholesterol becomes an issues, blood sugar levels, blood pressure, muscle and bone loss.   Exercise will just save all of us a whole lot of hassles, especially when we get older.

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5.) Social interaction is another huge one!   Even if you don’t talk to anyone at the gym.   Just being there, being around people, having a common goal with them.  That helps!

For example, Im sure all of you are like me and have had days where you’re just so depressed that you haven’t done anything.  Perhaps you didn’t even leave the house?  Maybe you went on Netflix and binged 9 or 10 episodes of a show in a row?   (Oh you’ve never done this???…. hahaha……youre full of shit).   And remember how bad you feel that night before you go to bed?   You almost feel like you’ve lost track of reality?  Time meant nothing, you didn’t see another human for an entire day.  You feel sticky and puffy.  Being around other humans is good for us because were humans.

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Need more inspiration?  DUDE….HOT PEOPLE!

Now I hate being shallow and I’m not for it in any way….. however, I make the exception for the gym.  Exercise is sooooooo good for your body, and if your inspiration to stay at the gym is gawking at hot people and having fantasies of fucking them THEN DO IT!  ITS YOUR LIFE PEOPLE! …..Looking at all the hot guys at the gym is one of the reasons why I love the gym so much!  And I say that with no shame! ….well some shame…. ok….. thats pretty trashy.  BUT DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO PEOPLE!

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And remember…thees always the locker room 😉

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keep up the good work people!

~ The Dark Horse

(This post was proofread for the most part)

Fuck Depression, Anxiety, and Panic

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Thats right people.  Join me right now and just scream “FUCK!!!!!” at the top of your lungs!

Life is short.  We only have one.  And yet here we are, lost in our minds.  Lost in misery.  Lost in everything that could have been, should have been, could be, and should be.

But I’m done.   You should be done too.

Depression my dear, look at you.  All old, withered, and miserable.   Well you know what, Im gonna give you the biggest bitch slap you stupid cunt!

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Thats right people!   Me, and you.  We are better than this.  Were above this.   Depression is us keeping ourselves down due to things that have happened to us.  Maybe it was being bullied as children.   Or maybe you have lost a loved one.  Or have been raped, or any other horrible thing or things out there!  But one thing is for sure:  Giving in to depression is admitting defeat to the past and present.  Its giving even more power to that negativity.

 

Now listen to me closely.

 

 

Walk right up to Depression and smack that son of a bitch harder than you ever thought possible.

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Yes my children rise and fight!!  MWUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!

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Now, anxiety.  You slithering little shit.  You are just our fears gone crazy.    You are nothing.  Your power comes from me.  It comes from the fear I have for everything.   The fear of everything going wrong.  The fear that the worst will always come true.

Now people get into your cars….. start your engines…. and drive that fucker straight into your anxiety!  Roll your windows down and drive at top speed howling “DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH!” at the top of your lungs!  let the neighbors think you’re crazy!

Take inspiration from that astronaut who drive from Texas to Florida wearing the diaper because she needed to kill her boyfriend or something… remember her?  Whats her damn name?…. let me Wiki this quick.

Ah there is it is!  Lisa Nowak. Thats right people, behold your new role model.   This woman drove through 4 states wearing a space diaper (so she wouldn’t have to stop on the way of course) and loaded her car with everything needed for a good ole’ fashioned kidnap/murder scenario.

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Now, if you don’t look as crazy as this woman than you’re clearly not doing it right!   Now drive my pretties drive drive drive!!!!!!!

 

…And then BAM!

 

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Oh dear! It seems that anxiety didn’t look both ways before crossing the street…..well I mean that isn’t our fault is it?  We were just innocently driving down the street right?  (Hey look, I didn’t see anything if you didn’t ok?)

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Oh dear….. So many strange unexplained deaths today.   Moving on…

 

 

 

And lastly, panic.   Ah you.  You. you….you…… so miserable motherfucker.   Like a sadistic child serial killer your main purpose is to cause us trauma.  You love us being scared to death….literally.

Thats right people, panic attacks are when we let all our other issues get to us so heavily that we actually being to think were going to die.  We have very intense that convince this is the end….. well panic, today I have some great news for you.  it is the end! …of you.

 

Hey panic, come over here lets check out this house real quick! ….

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Yeah come on come on!  I think theres children in there!  children who don’t yet know there are problems in the world…. children who aren’t aware of their mortality yet… maybe you should go show them!

Yes….go on!  walk in there….thats right….now close the door….. yea go on!  close it……

 

 

fucking dumbass.

 

 

 

Alright, now lets get to a safe distance….. get in your car and enjoy the show!

 

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And just remember, if any of you decide to come back…. well Ill have your graves pre-dug for ya.

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~ The Dark Horse

Noooooo this wasn’t proof read!   Im busy killing off thing!

 

 

Lets Take The Time To Reinvent Ourselves

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So, im sick   (Confetti falls from the sky as women release doves into the air).  When I’m sick I feel like absolute shit.

As if hating my life and feeling like a depressive failure isn’t enough, being sick adds that extra little touch.   You’re too weak and tired to change your life.  Your throat hurts, you can feel what doctors call “post nasal drip” which in reality is literally when so much snot forms in your nose that it has nowhere else to go rather than sliding back down into your throat (its one of the reasons why your mouth constantly has that foul aftertaste in it all the time when you’re sick.   Its because its filled with snot).

The picture above is Jerri Blank.  She is a self described, boozer, user, and loser.  She is the star of the short-lived but highly addictive show Strangers With Candy.   In that show she dropped out of high school as a teenager to become a hooker, a user of all drugs, and a complete blow out.

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Now, at 46, she decides drop her junkie past and to go back to school and restart her life.

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So why am i bringing up this delightful little ex-con and true role model for children everywhere?

Because thats how I feel, and I think thats how we will all feel.

Ive had a rough month.  I made a really intense friendship and sadly he is backpacking and no longer here.  I dropped a friendship that was insanely toxic to me.  I started back at the gym (for the first time in 5 months).  I was tired of my job that Im only working at for the money and have gone part time to look for better things.   All of that on top of the everyday things I think about:  MY PAST AND WHY DID IT ALL GO SO WRONG?  MY PRESENT AND WHY IS EVERYTHING STILL SO WRONG?   AND MY FUTURE:  WILL EVERYTHING ALWAYS BE WRONG? 

Can any of you relate to that? because I think you can.  Most of us with depression, anxiety, panic, or any kind of trauma already live with a life filled to the brim with stress and misery.  So once life throws you a big month….. you’re just bound to sink, and sink I did people… sink I did!

So here I am, worn out, tired, and sick.   In essence, I look and feel like this:

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But here is the beauty my friends!   (and I do believe this quote is from the Scooby Doo move)

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If you’ll recall from the Scooby Doo movie, it begins when the team has already broken up and have all been called separately by a mysterious Mr. Mondavarious. When they arrive on the dock of Spooky Island and meet him and hear about the spooky mystery they inform him the team is no longer together and that solving mysteries was in the past.

Hearing this Mr. Mondavarious says: No, what brought you here was your insatiable appetite for a juicy mystery.

Freddy replies with: The truth is, Mr. Mondavarious, Mystery Inc is broken up.

Mr. Mondavarious responds with:  That’s the beauty of something broken. It can be fixed, and therein lies its potential.

 

So here we are.  Broken. The light is a mere dim fickle flicker.  Energy dwindling.   And there is Jerri Blank.  a 46 year old ex-hooker who used to get fucked by donkeys as a sort of “freakshow” act in Mexico to make money for drugs.

So if that bitch can get her ass back in high school, then dammit we can sort our shit out too!

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Thats right people! feast your eyes on our new role model!

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So how do we do it?  How do we get to the point where we can rebuild and reinvent? Well since I’m sick I’m doing a lot of lounging around.  A lot of reading, and watching movies.  And I’m gonna be honest with you….its really helping

 

I don’t know how it is for you, but a good move can make me feel so much better.  It can really help me re-orient myself.   It can make me smile, make me think, make me different.   Last night I watch Tuck Everlasting.   It was so good and was exactly what i needed

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For those of you who have never seen it, its about a family who has found everlasting life, and one girl who find them in the woods and has to decide if she wants to drink from the fountain of youth.

 

In the movie, the father of the Tuck family tells Winnie, “Don’t be afraid of death Winnie, be afraid of the un-lived life”.

For years that line has always been in my head because I think that is my fear.  I watch my life drift away rather than actually living it.  Im a prisoner to my mind rather than the controller of it .

 

So I know this has been a long post.  To recap remember,

~ YOU CAN DO IT!

~ DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!

~ RETHINK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR VALUES AND THEN THINK IF YOURE LIVING BY THEM

~RELAX AND HAVE FUN!

 

Alright Jerri Blank give us a good inspirational quote to go out on!

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….wow thanks for not being helpful at all.

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..dammit Jerri!

~ The Dark Horse