Tag Archives: funny

The Macarena: The Most Diverse Music Video Ever

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Step aside all you obnoxious millennials who think you invented diversity. If you’re looking for the true trailblazer, you’ll need to go back… back to the 90’s. 

It was the summer of 1996. Independence Day was booming in the box office, The Craft had just been released that May, and Neve Campbell was about to be launched into an even further fame that December with Scream.

It was then, that an unsuspecting nation was introduced to the Macarena. Macarena fever hit hard. So hard in fact that even the DNC of that year was hit a Macarena outbreak.

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Since then, and this is embracing to admit…actually no it’s not, fuck all of you – I love the Macarena! It’s so damn catchy and so damn 90’s, it’s fuckin amazing.

So the other day, I was rewatching the Macarena music video (because yes, I do that. Got a problem? Call my agent!) and I was totally blown away.  I was like…

THIS WAS MADE IN THE 90s?

 

This music video is the very definition of diversity. And all of you 2019-ers should be ashamed of yourselves for not knowing about this important moment in music history.

Let’s meet our diverse cast:

 

The Singers

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The song is sung by Los Del Rio, a duo from Spain.  But look at this – How many hit music videos can you think of by men in their 50’s or 60’s dominating the charts? The Macarena directly combats agism!

 

The Brunette 

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Sure, blondes have more fun…but according to blondes! No matter what your hair color (or horrendous wardrobe choices…) all are welcomed to dance the Macarena!

 

The Indian Girl

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A study by PBS found that out of all the actors in Hollywood, only 4.2% are “Other”….yeah, that’s how disproportionate the number of Indian actors in Hollywood are. They’re categorized under “Other”, which would combine them with various Arab/Desi/Pacific Islanders/Indigenous peoples/and so forth…all to make up less than 5%.

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So the true numbers of Indian actors will never be known.  What we do know that is that being Indian in the entertainment business can’t be easy. And being a woman in any job isn’t easy, so for an Indian woman to be featured in such a high-profile music video is huge!

This Girl… 

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I don’t what she is, or what the story behind the hair, the lips, and the outfit are…but here’s how I’m taking it – It’s all about being yourself.  She is the embodiment of body positivity, dressing how you want, and not giving a fuck.  Let’s all raise a glass and have a cheers to that cotton-candy wig!

The Latina

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Rocking out a satin pantsuit. That’s right – SATIN PANTSUIT –  A pantsuit so elegant, I can only imagine it would make Diane Keaton jealous. Our Latina (or Latinx, because I’m not here to assume genders) is surely ready for her night at the club where she will cheat on her boyfriend… you know… he one who’s name is Victorino.

But don’t worry,

She didn’t want him

She couldn’t stand him

He was no good so….

The Black Girl

(Can I still say ‘black’? I don’t want to say African American, because what if she isn’t from America?)

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Regardless of whatever the PC term is, one thing is for sure, I love this girl . That 90’s outfit, that Amazing 90’s hair. Everything. Pure perfection. Also, in the music video she competes to be the lead. Going head-to-head with…

 

The Asian Girl

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That shirt. That hair. That everything.  Oh man, 90’s perfection. This image isn’t too clear, but she’s also got on purple lipstick.  Daring and bold makeup choices…. UGHHHHHH THE 90s!!!! COME BACK!!!!!

 

The White Blonde Girl

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I know, I can hear you groaning. You’re probably saying something like #OscarsSoWhite, and then I’ll be like, that Oscars hashtag is from 2015. OMG get with it!  But in reality, diversity and inclusion means everyone…even white blonde women

(at least she’s not a man…am I right, ladies?????…crickets.)

Will that fabulous feather jacket help make it better?  Fit for a hooker, I say!

 

The Mom From ‘Blackish’

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The mom from Blackish denies being in the music video (yes, this got widespread enough  to where she had to respond) But, Macarena conspiracy theorists continue to insist that it’s her. And how could you not believe Macarena conspiracy theorists??????

The Scandinavian

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Had ABBA gotten famous in the 90’s they would have looked just like our Swedish girl in the music video. Plastic pants. Plastic shirt. And a plastic winter hat.  I have a feeling this was surely the most uncomfortbale outfit in the entire music video. But pain is beauty! 

 

The Jan

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Yes, that’s right. This music video is so diverse that it even has the forgotten middle child. Jan is so forgotten that I couldn’t even find a good image of this girl.  She’s literally hidden in ever single frame!

See, look!

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Let’s try again….

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Poor Jan. We can’t all be center stage though, I suppose.  I’m sure she has a great personality and is probably very smart.  Maybe she’s a lawyer now and making more than anyone else in the music video?

 

There you have it! The most diverse music video in the world! Now, put that song, and blast it loud!!! HEY MACARENA!!!!!

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Dance on my friends! Dance on!

 

~ The Dark Horse

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The Innocence Of Anxiety

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So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

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I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

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Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

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And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

Learning To Laugh At Panic Attacks

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So I have some great news!  I have achieved a new level in the healing process!!!!!

The memories of my panic attacks back in Australia have gone from traumatizing memories to hilarious ones!     It al started when I was trying to explain to someone how horrible it was.

I was sitting there and I was like,

“It was awful!  I would get so dizzy, and I couldn’t make out any focal points, it was like everything was in a fish-eye lens!     Then my legs would get wobbly, and my heart would feel like it was going to explode out of my body!”

Then she kind of sat there and looked half concerned and half curious so I kept going.  I continued:

“Yeah it was traumatic!    My legs would get so wobbly that I was convinced I would collapse!   Then you just get filled with this panic that you’re going to die!”

“Thats terrible!”, she said.   So I went on to really drive home the point of how horrible panic attacks are:

“The worst part is that nobody would help me!  I would be wobbling around, collapsing into things, and people would look at me like I was a meth addict!”

Then she started laughing her ass off!  And I was like,

ITS NOT FUNNY!!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE!….In fact one time I got so scared and I didn’t know what to do,so I just tried to run away and ran in front of a car, then saw the car, and fell backwards onto the sidewalk!  And then everybody was just staring at me so I ran away all wobbly and tripping over myself!”

 

At this point she was on the floor rolling around

 

I was like, DUDE STOP!  THIS IS A HORRIBLE MEMORY!

And then I kind of just sat there and really thought it.  I thought about how I must have looked to random people on the streets of Melbourne.

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How horribly random, and insane I must have looked.  Like something you only see in some Disney comedy.   And then, I started to laugh.   And laugh and laugh and laugh.

 

 

Before long I was on the floor right along with her barely able to breathe I was laughing so hard.

I was like STOP MAKING ME LAUGH ABOUT THIS IT!  ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A HORRIBLE MEMORY!

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But the more I yelled at her, the more she just couldn’t control herself.   And the more she couldn’t control herself the more I couldn’t either.

 

Now, whenever I think of those moments I can’t help but laugh.  They have become funny to me.  So completely insane and unbelievable they i have no other reaction but to laugh.

 

So there we go people healing in action!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

Lady Dynamite (Or, That Show You Should Totally Be Watching!)

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stand-up comedian (and personal favorite of mine) Maria Bamford has released a show on Netflix and its fucking amazing.    Its hilarious in all the good ways and also is stunningly true to mental illness.

Its called LADY DYNAMITE and its on Netlflix.

There are so many parts in this show where Im watching and going…. “holy fuck she’s nailed it right on the head!”.

 

Now I hate spoilers so Im not going to give anything away.  Ill just give a real brief, broad, and vague overview of the show.  It takes place in three time periods.  The “Past” where Maria Bamford rose to success as a stand up, got her big gig as the crazy Target lady, and appeared on TV shows.  The show also focuses on “Duluth”.  Her hometown that she returns to during her stay in an institution and her recovery back home.   And then it also deals with the “Present” which is about her life currently (and is also the most fictionalized portion).

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Now what really makes this show so insanely special to me is that I don’t watch it going “oh the downfall of another person with mental problems….how sad”.   I watch it with absolute joy.  I resonate, relate, enjoy, and empathize with Maria Bamford.  And its so much sweeter because she is such a great person.   Its about her living with mental illness, not failing with mental illness.

There are points where I go “Dude, thats totally happened to me”.   and “Fuck ya Ive been there” and “Yep…thats exactly how people treat me”.    But never ever and I’m crying over it like some sappy drama.  Instead I’m laughing.   I just want to walk into my TV and give her a big pat on the back and laugh about it!

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Now again I can’t keep talking about the show because I don’t want to give away any specific plot points or anything because I hate spoiling it for people!  What I will say is to YouTube search her as well.   She has done some really amazing and hilarious interviews about mental illness that I think are great and will probably give you a good laugh!

~ The dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Had A Panic Attack At The Gym Today (Or, Never Back Down!)

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So whats the picture you’re looking at?  Well thats my hand.  And whats all those red marks?  Well thats blood.

You see , whenever I have a panic attack at the gym and I feel like I’m losing my mind, getting dizzy, tired, and am going to pass out, I go to the locker room because I keep a blood sugar monitor in my gym bag.

So I test my blood sugar, and if my sugars aren’t low, I force myself to walk back out onto the gym floor and continue with my workout.

Thats right.

I go back out on the floor with a bloody finger and champ on like nothing is wrong.

And obviously, when you have an open wound and you start lifting heavy things it encourages blood flow and so your hand gets a little….um….. red.

 

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So why am I bringing this all up?  Well because dealing with depression, anxiety, and panic is all about never giving up.  Its about not letting your brain win.  You my sweet little luvmuffins must rise above and kick ass.

 

I will admit, this is a much heated debate between me and my therapist:

She says she worries its a coping method.  Like a drug.   You get anxious, you then test, you then feel better from the reassurance.  Much like, a smoker craves the cigarette, lights one up and feels the burn, then feels better.

I see it as, I have 2 options: Have a panic attack and embarrass myself so badly at the gym that I never return, or I challenge my belief that I’m feeling weak, see its in my head, and then I force myself to continue on.

 

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So what have we debated it out to?  Well, we have come to an agreement:   Testing the blood sugar is ok for the time being since I only do it if Im having a panic attack.  If it was a habitual thing (Like, if I needed to test once a day to make sure I’m ok) then it would be a problem.   But we’ve both agreed that shedding a bit of blood is fine if it means I will 1.) Continue the workout and not freak out and leave, and 2.) Continue to regularly go to the gym.

 

Whats so important about working out and getting some exercising?  Well Im so glad you asked!  Theres tons of reasons!  obviously, keeping yourself healthy mentally and physically is very important for anyone, but especially for us with mental health issues.

“Well hey that sounds dandy!  What kind of benefits does it have for us folks?”

Well I’m so glad you asked!  Ill tell you now!

1.)  The one I’m sure you’ve all heard of.  exercise releases neurotransmitters, endorphins and endocannabinoids.   These are basically the “happy drugs” your body creates.  These chemicals interact with your brain and basically tell it to cheer the fuck up.

2.) Secondly, while temporarily lowering the immune system while working out, it has long-term immune system defense powers!   Its the same with muscles.  Your body goes “Oh damn this muscle is torn! Lets patch it up with more muscle!   and thats how you go from this to this:

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Same deal applies with the immune system.  Your body recognizes your body is in turmoil during a workout and therefore ups its game in the immune system.  Hence, healthier humans.

3.) Better self-esteem.  We are humans (sadly).  And despite the fact that we all experience so much pain and misery we still have our basic animalistic side.  Being less sexually desirable effects us mentally….as it should.   Its part of sexual selection.  Its how the human race learned to outcompete through evolution.   Its why fit healthy people raise fit healthy children.  Their genes are stronger.  Ever hear people talk about how “family history” with illnesses gives you a higher chance of having it?  Thats evolution.

We are attracted to physically fit people because its in our genes to be.  Fucking a hot person will mean heather babies.   Therefore, making your physical health better, actually makes you in better mental shape as well because your self esteem goes up!

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Consciously we see this as a “hot guy”.  But the reason for that is because our bodies are saying, “FUCK THIS MAN! HE WILL PRODUCE STONG HEALTHY OFFSPRING!”  ….However, I have to admit for gay guys like me…. the purpose of our sex drive seems relatively meaningless i suppose considering that a man on man experience will never produce offspring…. anyways, thats for another post.

4.) Lets all be straight up and honest here…. if you’re miserable and depressed theres one sure fire way to make it even worse, and thats getting fat, and lazy.  Now weight gain has SO MANY MORE implications than just being less sexually desirable.  Your immune system gets weaker, the health of your skin gets worse (which is why fatter people always seem to have blemishes and why fit people seem to have the skin of Greek gods) cholesterol becomes an issues, blood sugar levels, blood pressure, muscle and bone loss.   Exercise will just save all of us a whole lot of hassles, especially when we get older.

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5.) Social interaction is another huge one!   Even if you don’t talk to anyone at the gym.   Just being there, being around people, having a common goal with them.  That helps!

For example, Im sure all of you are like me and have had days where you’re just so depressed that you haven’t done anything.  Perhaps you didn’t even leave the house?  Maybe you went on Netflix and binged 9 or 10 episodes of a show in a row?   (Oh you’ve never done this???…. hahaha……youre full of shit).   And remember how bad you feel that night before you go to bed?   You almost feel like you’ve lost track of reality?  Time meant nothing, you didn’t see another human for an entire day.  You feel sticky and puffy.  Being around other humans is good for us because were humans.

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Need more inspiration?  DUDE….HOT PEOPLE!

Now I hate being shallow and I’m not for it in any way….. however, I make the exception for the gym.  Exercise is sooooooo good for your body, and if your inspiration to stay at the gym is gawking at hot people and having fantasies of fucking them THEN DO IT!  ITS YOUR LIFE PEOPLE! …..Looking at all the hot guys at the gym is one of the reasons why I love the gym so much!  And I say that with no shame! ….well some shame…. ok….. thats pretty trashy.  BUT DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO PEOPLE!

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And remember…thees always the locker room 😉

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keep up the good work people!

~ The Dark Horse

(This post was proofread for the most part)

Fuck Depression, Anxiety, and Panic

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Thats right people.  Join me right now and just scream “FUCK!!!!!” at the top of your lungs!

Life is short.  We only have one.  And yet here we are, lost in our minds.  Lost in misery.  Lost in everything that could have been, should have been, could be, and should be.

But I’m done.   You should be done too.

Depression my dear, look at you.  All old, withered, and miserable.   Well you know what, Im gonna give you the biggest bitch slap you stupid cunt!

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Thats right people!   Me, and you.  We are better than this.  Were above this.   Depression is us keeping ourselves down due to things that have happened to us.  Maybe it was being bullied as children.   Or maybe you have lost a loved one.  Or have been raped, or any other horrible thing or things out there!  But one thing is for sure:  Giving in to depression is admitting defeat to the past and present.  Its giving even more power to that negativity.

 

Now listen to me closely.

 

 

Walk right up to Depression and smack that son of a bitch harder than you ever thought possible.

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Yes my children rise and fight!!  MWUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!

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Now, anxiety.  You slithering little shit.  You are just our fears gone crazy.    You are nothing.  Your power comes from me.  It comes from the fear I have for everything.   The fear of everything going wrong.  The fear that the worst will always come true.

Now people get into your cars….. start your engines…. and drive that fucker straight into your anxiety!  Roll your windows down and drive at top speed howling “DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH!” at the top of your lungs!  let the neighbors think you’re crazy!

Take inspiration from that astronaut who drive from Texas to Florida wearing the diaper because she needed to kill her boyfriend or something… remember her?  Whats her damn name?…. let me Wiki this quick.

Ah there is it is!  Lisa Nowak. Thats right people, behold your new role model.   This woman drove through 4 states wearing a space diaper (so she wouldn’t have to stop on the way of course) and loaded her car with everything needed for a good ole’ fashioned kidnap/murder scenario.

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Now, if you don’t look as crazy as this woman than you’re clearly not doing it right!   Now drive my pretties drive drive drive!!!!!!!

 

…And then BAM!

 

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Oh dear! It seems that anxiety didn’t look both ways before crossing the street…..well I mean that isn’t our fault is it?  We were just innocently driving down the street right?  (Hey look, I didn’t see anything if you didn’t ok?)

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Oh dear….. So many strange unexplained deaths today.   Moving on…

 

 

 

And lastly, panic.   Ah you.  You. you….you…… so miserable motherfucker.   Like a sadistic child serial killer your main purpose is to cause us trauma.  You love us being scared to death….literally.

Thats right people, panic attacks are when we let all our other issues get to us so heavily that we actually being to think were going to die.  We have very intense that convince this is the end….. well panic, today I have some great news for you.  it is the end! …of you.

 

Hey panic, come over here lets check out this house real quick! ….

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Yeah come on come on!  I think theres children in there!  children who don’t yet know there are problems in the world…. children who aren’t aware of their mortality yet… maybe you should go show them!

Yes….go on!  walk in there….thats right….now close the door….. yea go on!  close it……

 

 

fucking dumbass.

 

 

 

Alright, now lets get to a safe distance….. get in your car and enjoy the show!

 

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And just remember, if any of you decide to come back…. well Ill have your graves pre-dug for ya.

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~ The Dark Horse

Noooooo this wasn’t proof read!   Im busy killing off thing!