Tag Archives: help me

I Know You Don’t Believe Me… But You’re Doing Good!


So, change comes slowly.  That is what I’ve learned.  Sometimes I feel like its too slow.  And others, Im just proud of the accomplishments I have achieved so far.  We could sit for days on end just talking about all the things we could have done better, or different.  But at the end of the day, that won’t help anything.  

For example, right now I’m writing this entry in a cafe.  Back in December I wasn’t able to leave my apartment without spazzing out.  Progress?  YES! PROGRESS! 

And I’m sure all of you have similar stories. Were not the social, pretty, popular people that we see on TV or anything.  But hey, dealing with anxiety, panic, depression, or whatever you problem is; the fact that we get up in he morning and say that were not ready to quit shows that we fucking awesome.


The road to success was never paved with gold.  Its sticky, messy, confusing, and hard.  But our determination will get us though.  IT has to because there is no other way. 

One day we will all be able to look out at the sun.  Sit down, relax and think about how silly we used to be.  How we just couldn’t see how much better things were, and wonder why we didn’t see it sooner. 

I believe life can be good.  Really, really good. 

So lets all give ourselves a nice pat on the back.  Were all amazing and doing a great job! 

(so, i tried to find an inspiration meme to end this post…but I found this instead, and I laughed, so hopefully you’ll at least smile)


8 Songs To Make You Feel Amazing And Happy



Don’t think, don’t judge, don’t hate. Just enjoy these songs on the pure basis that they are fun and will make you happy.

Feeling down and need a boost? Need to get some energy? Adding to a running playlist? Just want to smile?

Well babycakes, have I got some songs for you!

1.) Don’t Call Me Madam by Olivia Ruiz


This spunky little tune always makes me feel better.  Kind of beachy, kind of swing, and kind of pop.  Its just great fun.  Great song for in the shower when you just need to have a little pick me up. (go back and look at an earlier post called The Anti-Craziness Shower.  This would be a great song for an Anti-Craziness Shower)

Don’t Call Me Madam: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOoha66IXkA

2.)  Barbie Girl by Aqua


Ok Stop right there! I hear the moaning and groaning already!  I know I know, you think this song was overplayed and annoying and you think that every annoying twat in the world likes this song BUT IT IS SOOO MUCH FUN!  It really is!  Just enjoy it because it seriously is amazing and a shit ton of fun!

Barbie Girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyhrYis509A

3.) Doctor Jones by Aqua


There is only one thing better than Barbie Girl…. and that is Doctor Jones.  Fun and bubbly song and fun music video (if you ever wonder where Katy Perry got the idea for the Roar video… it was probably Doctor Jones) 

Doctor Jones: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1jPUB7gRyg

4.) Beauty In The World by Macy Gray 


By far the best Macy Gray song ever.  Fun, happy, optimistic, and soothing.  When life gives you a sunburn, this song is the sweet sweet aloe to sooth the burns.  You go Macy! 

Beauty In The World: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qX7ZsxD3Ik

5.) SUPERMODEL by Jill Sobule


Yes, its “That song from Clueless“.  But its sooooo much more! The music video is hilarious and ends in amazing Carrie-esque fashion. The song is fast-paced and fun.  its everything you need on a down day…. plus, for real guys… it was the song from Clueless, like how totally perfect! 

Supermodel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65VOaMJOukk

6.) Studio Hair Gel by Barcelona 


Ok, Challenge.  Play this song and try not to be happy and just want to get up and dance… I hate to say it, but I’m pretty sure that if this song doesn’t get you going, you’re soul has probably been lost long ago.  Barcelona has tons of great songs.  Try I Have The Password To Your Shell Account, and Everything Makes Me Think About Sex as well.  

Studio Hair Gel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoyqIXR0YZY

7.) One Big Love by Patty Griffin


Sunny day?  Pull out the lawn chair, grab the ice tea, put this song on and get the hell outside!   This is by far one of the ultimate summer songs for me.  It is just pure perfection.  

One Big Love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLUqsCg92Mk

8.) Hello Seattle by Owl City 


Ah, Seattle.  One of the most beautiful cities I have ever been to.  This is one of my favorite destination songs. Not to mention there is a shout out in it to my favorite animal, the Albatross.  Its fun, its upbeat, and its got really great and fun imagery. 

Hello Seattle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VlK2BOhmvU

8.) See The Sun by Dido


I have literally cried to this song.  its just so good. SO SO SO GOOD.  Basically, this person loses the love of their life and Dido is the friend who comes over to help them get back to life again.  I don’t know.. maybe its the idea of having a friend who would be there for me during a loss, or how beautifully the song is compose, or the lyrical imagery.  I just find this song to be amazing and uplifting. 

See The Sun: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjqCQ-E0S30

INFJ, The Rarest (And Honestly, the Fuckin’ Coolest) Type


So, when I first started therapy a few months ago my therapist did this huge survey of me for something called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.  This is basically where you answer a bunch of questions and you get your four letters which define your personality type.  If you have never taken one of these tests do it, its actually really informative!

So, anyway, I got the INFJ.  Which stands for introversion, intuition, feeling, judging. INFJ is actually the rarest type, only about 1% of the population falls under this type. Now back a few months ago when she first handed me the print out of this I didn’t care too much.  I was kind of like.. oh cool, some papers about nothing.. NOW JUST TELL ME HOW THE FUCK TO STOP THE ANXIETY ATTACKS! 

But recently Ive been doing kind of bad again, and since I’ve been feeling down I needed some inspiration and did a little research on the INFJ type.. and DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME WE ARE?

So a little breakdown on the INFJ world:

“As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get “feelings” about things and intuitively understand them.This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.”

So thats just a bit about being an INFJ. I have the link to that page below if you want to read more.


So yes.  We are the ultimate outcast.  We see things nobody else does.  We feel things nobody else can.  Dude we even feel things to EXTREMES that nobody else can.  We’re idealistic and feel like we have higher purposes.  And ya know what… in most cases, it’s because we do have higher purposes.  If you make a list ranking the most pure souls to ever have lived, and the most evil people to ever walk the Earth,  almost all of them on both sides of the spectrum would be INFJ types. We’re so strong and yet so fragile.

With good nurturing we can change the world (legit, even Jesus Christ is categorized as an INFJ).  Or an INFJ who has been scorned can generate their larger-than-life powers to destroy the world (Hitler was also an INFJ).  In fact here’s a good list of the best and worst of the INFJ spectrum.


From Noam Chomsky and Ghandi, all the way down to Osama Bin Laden.  We are able to be the greatest or the absolute worst people who have ever walked this Earth.

In fact, it is such a known thing that INFJ’s can swing either way that there is a even a term called “The Dark Side”.  For real, go Google INFJ Dark Side.  We are strong and ferocious…. and that last you want to do take a ferociously good soul and make it a ferociously bad soul…


If we INFJ types don’t flow through our life, and live it as we need to.  Bad things will happen.  To most people it seems that we INFJ types float through the air.  Obsessed with a better world, true happiness, and fantasizing and questioning EVERYTHING.  Literally, EVERYTHING.  Do you know every night before I go to sleep I lay in bed and make “movies” in my head?  Its true.  I lay there and close my eyes and throw myself into a situation.  Fighting for the galaxy aboard a spaceship, searching for bigfoot in the Cascades, or even meeting the guy of my dreams in some HORRIBLY cheesy way.  But they can also be bad.  I mean I’ve had horrible nightmares.  Nightmares I couldn’t even describe on this blog.  I even fall into scary daydreams sometimes.  And its all so vivid.  I can feel the bass of the music, see all the colors, genuinely feel the feelings I have in the “movie”/dream.  Its all so much better when my eyes are closed.. its what lets me know that there is more out there.  something bigger and better.


* The Dark Horse would like to say that hopefully these situations totally could happen 😉

But you can’t pull us down from that cloud we live on.  it literally kills us.  An INFJ who is not happy and isn’t living the life they’re meant to is bound to hurt themselves.  There are tons of problems INFJ’s are susceptible to:


And that is where I am right now… not living the life I am meant to.  Ive let the negativity and mean spirits of others pull me down. Im unhappy everyday of my life because I don’t find pleasure in the commoner’s world.  I need more. Which is why I think I’ve got such bad depression and anxiety. If any of you other there feel the same, look into the INFJ personality type.


Seriously.. if there is one type of person to change the world… it’s us, and in general we are good people.  Very, very good people actually!  We are even known as The Protectors.


I also learned that Pocahontas was an INFJ…. hell ya!

Sorry for the super long post.. and yea…. totally not proofread, sowwy bitches!

~The Dark Horse


Hey guys!  I know you’re like me and love learning about what it means to be INFJ, so here are some other posts I’ve made:

INFJ Struggles With The Modern World

Being INFJ During The Trump Era

I Don’t Do Drugs, I Am Drugs. Being INFJ and Sagittarius

Travel and INFJ (Or, Just Fucking Do It…Its Good For You!)

INFJ and the Feeling of a Calling



So, for anyone who has panic and anxiety, YOU KNOW THIS FACE!  That little kid’s face is exactly how we all feel in that moment when that little voice inside goes, “oh bitch, you’re going down!”

So, what is it about roller coasters that is so scary?  And what is it about panic attacks that is so scary?

I mean, on a roller coaster we all know there is no real danger… but when you reach the top of that first hill and you can no longer hear the chain lifting the train, you know your heart always gets going.

Roller coasters are designed to fuck with your head and this is actually quite sadistic, but they’re designed to excite us by getting us afraid.  The mind can’t help but feel like its in danger when it sees its about to plummet down a steep hill.  You naturally release the adrenaline and all that fun stuff (well, “fun” when in its a situation like that.)

However, panic attacks are much the same.  The adrenaline gets going.  That fear of danger spreads… but what we need to remember is that, just like the roller coaster, there is no real danger.

Im sure most of you reading this are like me and have had multiple panic attacks…

Have ANY of them killed us yet?

roller coaster

NO OF COURSE NOT!   So why is it so fucking hard to not be freaked out by it?   Thats still a question I have as well.  But hey, were in it together at least.

And maybe we could all remember that just like a roller coaster, the panic attack will end. Our train will pull back into the station and we will get out of the car, feet on the ground.  Just keep calm and carry on.

Ok, now for the fun stuff, because everyone needs to smile more! 


This poor man….he is REALLY struggling here.



….but clearly not as bad as this girl is.


And I hate to make this post inappropriate but yes, this happened…


So apparently every year in the UK they have a challenge of how many naked people they can get on a coaster… I was torn between posting pictures of the hot young people, or of the really fat naked old people.. but I assumed I’d spare your eyes.




So get this shit, apparently it’s a thing for people on the Disney ride Splash Mountain to lift up their shirts!  There’s even a whole website dedicated to it! In fact, the problem got so bad that they literally have someone who sits in a booth inside the ride and looks at photo after photo after photo… If there is nudity, he deletes them before they can be shown on the screen!


I told ya this was real! hahaha! I love weird cultural things.. people are so stupid.



splahs mountain on-ride photo

ya baby ya!

Alright, enjoy your night!

~The Dark Horse

(not proof read as always)

ROSWELL , Or How A Crappy 90’s Show Is Making Me Love Life Again


So yes, I have just started watching this cheesy-ass show that used to be on the WB and was later moved to UPN (the true resting ground for any form of entertainment worth watching). Anyhoo, Ive fallen deeply and madly in love with the show.

For starters, It’s everything I want.  It’s this normal girl who lives in Roswell, NM.  Her life is changed forever when a fight breaks out at the cafe she works at and she is shot.  Suddenly this guy (who she’s secretly always liked and who has secretly always liked her) comes over and magically heals her.  She discovers he is actually an alien and she gets involved in a larger-than-life situation involving government secrets, epic chases, love, loss, and discovering there is more to the world than Roswell.

Ok, so why do I love this show so much?  Lets start with the lead guy, Mr. Jason Behr.


Awww…. come on look at that face.  What a cutie!  and there is also this…


Now, here are a few nicknames I’ve given him – Humpmuffin, Hunkmonster, and SitOnMyFace will all do.


But seriously, the real reason is because this show gives me hope that there is more to life.  I hate how boring my life is and how much…well… how much NOTHING I tend to do. I Work, I graduated school, and I try to hang with friends… but seriously, what has that done for me? What is that doing for me?  I feel bored.  Bored and unfulfilled everyday.


And all that boredom and that pent-up frustration and that feeling of wasting away leads me down into the depression and the panic and the anxiety.

I was reading this book called “Role Models” by John Waters and he was talking about how he’s always loved people and wanted to know people who lived “extreme lives”.  He admitted that they weren’t all the easiest lives, or the most stable.  But That an extreme life gives you something special. And I agree.

In Spiderman we all know the quote, “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility”.  And I fully believe that, but i also believe that


For example, getting up, going to your 9 to 5 desk job.  Having the weekend off and going to the bars with your friends.  Sure, you can feel stuff.  You can have fun and feel pain and find love.

But think about a famous singer, or an astronaut or something.  Think of how nervous, and excited, and scared, and jubilant you would feel all at the same time right before you go on stage at a concert, or right before you release a new album filled with songs you wrote and hope the world will love.  Or, in the case of the astronaut, think of that moment… you’re looking up at the sky knowing you’re about to be blasted into the absolute abyss of space.   They live on a more extreme level than we do.  THEY FEEL MORE THAN WE DO.

And I want that feeling.  I want it so bad.  I want my life to mean something.  I want to be brought to tears and I want to smile and laugh so uncontrollably that people think I’m crazy, and I want to feel love and happiness, and YES I know that the capacity to feel great pleasure means you also have the capacity to feel great pain. BUT, HELLO BITCHES!  Ive got panic and anxiety and depression.  My life sucks.  Im already feeling extreme pain.


So yeah, Roswell is cheesy and whatever, but this show is giving me hope that I’ll find the happiness and excitement I’m looking for.  Its making me feel good inside.  Give it a shot, it might make you feel the same 🙂

Feeling Down? Let Me Blow Your Mind PART 2!

Alright lets get right into this!  I don’t know about you guys but when I’m feeling down I love to just hear some creasy facts and really feel like there is more to life and the world than just the boring mundane crap that I feel so bored and lost in everyday….so, here are some! 





Did you know that Hangzhou Xiaoshan airport (one the busiest in China, serving almost 20 million people annually) was grounded in 2010 when this UFO was spotted flying overhead?  To this day, the mysterious aircraft has still not been able to be explained.  Both the Chinese and US claim its not a registered aircraft that either country is aware of.  




Now here is a REALLY REALLY scary one.  Do you know of the famous 1970’s horror film, The Omen?   Do you know that the scariest part of this movie is what happened offscreen?   Quite possibly the most cursed film of all time.  Even worse than the strange death of four “Poltergeist” stars.  

The craziness begins before shooting even starts! 

Two months before filming, star Gregory Peck’s son commits suicide.  Gregory Peck, already in a bad place from the death of his son, boards a plane to begin filming of the Omen… when the plane is struck by lightning. 

A few weeks later, the executive producer of the film, Mace Neufeld departs Los Angeles… his plane is then also struck by lightning.

Think thats it?  Nope, the scriptwriter David Seltzer is on a flight during filming… can you guess what happened to the plane?.. struck by lightning.  

Executive Producer Mace Neufeld’s luck isn’t about to get any better.  The hotel he and his wife are staying at during filming get bombed by the IRA.  The IRA also bombs a restaurant that the major cast and crew are supposed to eat at that night.  

Before you get too comfortable with the idea of flying, more airplane drama is on the way.  The production company hires a plane to take overhead shots….however at the last minute the plane is rented to do a commercial flight.  The plane is rescheduled to do the the overhead shots in a few days…however the plane never makes it because on the initial day it was supposed to be used for filming it crashes during take-off  killing everyone on board.  

The Omen also hired a tiger handler for the set.  He was to serve as the overseer when animals are used during filming, as well as to council cast and crew to properly handle animals (having a professional present when using animals during filming is required by law).  However, during filming he had an “accident” where a lion grabbed him by his head, pulled him into the cage and ate him alive.  Also, during filming, the Rottweilers turned and attacked their handlers.  

The curse remanded even after filming stopped.  A few members of the crew for the Omen went to work on another film called, “A Bridge Too Far”.  The stuntman, Alf Joint, who was also the stuntman for the Omen film, fall off a roof during filming and is put in the hospital.  When he wakes up he says that he was pushed by an invisible force.  

And how comes the creepiest part.  Another crew member working on A Bridge Too Far who also had just finished working on The Omen was Effects Coordinator John Richardson and his assistant.  ….. Its an average day,  they are driving to the set… oh did I mention it also happened to be Friday, August 13th 1976 (Yes it happened on Friday the 13th).  but LA DE DAH DE DAH! Nothing to be afraid of here… so anyway, they’re driving when there is a head on collision.  Richardson’s assistant is decapitated.  Richardson stumbles out of the car.  bruised and confused.  When he looks up he sees that the accident happened right in front of a street sign that reads, “Ommen 66.6km”  


Ok, thats a sad one… here’s a more happy one to finish this off:


Did you know that President Calvin Coolidge, who served from 1923 to 1928, liked to buzz for his body guards to enter the oval office and then would hide under his desk as the guards would frantically search thinking he was kidnapped?   Can you imagine the moment when he pops out and goes, “Im alive!”  Oh calvin…..


Anyhoo, I hope this got you thinking about how crazy and unexplained life can be. Sure some of these things are scary, but still its interesting.  And it shows that there is more than meets the eye.  But more importability, that there is more to focus on in life other than sadness and depression and feeling down.  Just remember that there is still mystery in all of this!