Tag Archives: home

Visiting Home After Being Gone a While

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So, I’m back in Ohio right now visiting home, and it’s been very pleasant. The memories of how people treated me here are finally fading away as I get older, and I have to admit…I think that now that I finally feel successful…whatever anyone here thinks of me no longer matters.

For example- If someone here wants to hate me for being gay, well… I get paid to travel the world and write stories about it… Tell me Mr. white trash Ohioan, what do you do? Now that I’m happy and now that I feel worthwhile, ignorant trash suddenly seems like nothing more than, well, ignorant trash.

 

Dolly Parton has a song called Home (a very good song in fact)

 

And so much of it makes sense now. There really is no place like home. For better or for worse, there is only town where you grow up (unless you move). But for most of us, there’s only one town where you experience grade school and high school, and all the crap that comes along with it. And whether your experience sucked like mine, or was great like the some prom queen, it leaves a mark inside of you that shapes who you are.

There’s always something powerful about coming back. For me, it’s two-fold. Part of it makes me remember why I ran so far away. This town just isn’t me. It never was. I always wanted the world, I wanted to devote my life to a passion. And that just isn’t how most Ohioans feel. But at the same time, I also appreciate the things here that I can’t have in Manhattan. I love all the tree-lined streets, the quiet nights, the fireflies, the large nearby parks with wandering riverbeds and deers and foxes and squirrels and frogs. I love nature. And that love of nature is a big part of what spurred my love of travel. Coming home is always nice because it refuels my natural side. The side I lose in New York.

In a few weeks I take my next trip for work. I’m off to London!

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I’m very excited! But London is big and sprawling and crowded. It’s the opposite of my hometown (and that will partly make me love it) But, it’s also encouraging me to suck up as much Ohio as I can right now.

I’m going to walk the family dog, ride my bike, sleep with my windows open, and embrace everything Ohio is. Everything I left behind.  Everything I hate. And Everything I still love.

 

~ The Dark Horse

(This was… 60% proofread?)

 

 

 

Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place

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So the past few weeks I was visiting home in Ohio and about 3 hours ago I arrived back here in Melbourne and I hate to say it, Im actually really sad.   I actually really enjoyed the comfort and safety of home.  Being able to be back in my own room, in the neighborhood I grew up in, having trees and parks everywhere.  Everything seemed more real. 

 

Like here in Melbourne Ive been battling the panic and anxiety so badly.  And I thought I was making such great progress because I was getting through the day without having massive breakdowns…..

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But when I was back home all the panic and anxiety practically vanished completely.   I couldn’t believe it.  And with my mind not focused on panic and anxiety all the time, it started opening up again.   Opening to things I hadn’t felt for a long time.  Things I wanted before the big breakdown, like adventure, and love, and friends, and a job that will change this world, and…. I don’t know, I just had this spirit I haven’t had in a long time.

 

But here’s the problem…. I still hate the people in my hometown.  They are still trash and small minded.  So I know that my hometown has no long-term value in my life

 

So where to go from here?

Anyone else having some big decisions to make in their lives right now?

The Dark Horse

~ This was totally not proofread 

The Dog Days of Summer, Or Learning To Relax With Depression and Anxiety

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No, this is not a stock photo.  This really is a picture from my hometown.   This is why I have not been posting!  ;p    Ive been relaxing.  Doing nothing.  And then filling my days with a little more nothing to go with all the nothing I’m doing,   AND IM LOVING IT

So here is what I’m learning about how to keep calm and not let your emotions destroy you:

With anxiety and panic Ive been just kind of been letting it come.  If I get anxious or get panicky I look around and I go…. where is a nice plot of ground I can collapse on?  A drinking fountain near by?   Perhaps a pillow lying conveniently on the floor of my gym?

No?  Oh well.   I suppose I shall fall on the concrete then.

 

And then once I start thinking like, WHO THE FUCK CARES it goes away.   The brain has nothing left to panic or get anxious about because you just told it, even i collapse I don’t care.

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And with depression I have found a few things really help

Number one:

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…. Do i hear you laughing?  I do…. STOP LAUGHING IM SERIOUS!    ice tea is amazing!  It cools your body down, its refreshing, its full of antioxidants, and IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO WHILE BEING CHEAP.  

When you’re feeling down or feel like your thoughts are eating you away hop in the car, or bus, or just walk, whatever you gotta do to the nearest caffe, coffee shop, or even a generic option like Starbucks…Who happen to have a really nice Iced green tea

…..also Petes Coffee has an amazing iced green tea but EVERYTHING ELSE THEY MAKE IS CRAP 

ok ok enough tea talk.   So what does this do?

1.)  It gives you purpose.  You’re not just sitting around moping.  You’re on your way somewhere. To get something.  To do something.

2.) Lets you interact with the public.  At least for me, when I’m down I tend to burrow myself in a hole.  I feel isolated and usually isolate myself.  Even if I’m in public I can feel completely alone in life.  Going to somewhere new or different can sometimes help just reset the mind into not being such a downer at least, for a moment.

3.)  ITS CHEAP!  unlike your milky, sugary, coffee drinks that can cost you upwards of 5 dollars each.  Ice tea is like 2 or 3 bucks.  So that means you can practice this even if your wallet is the biggest in the world.

4.)  ANTIOXIDANTS!   Must I really make another post about the benefits of tea?   Well i shall not!  But here is a link:

https://youshouldseemyscars.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/tea-always-makes-me-feel-better/

 

So there ya have it!   Relax, be merry, and DRINK TEA! 

…I think i started proofreading this, but then halfway thru i stopped, I’m SUCH a serious writer.

The Dark Horse

Who Says You Cant Go Home? Or, Lets Get Our Passion Back!

 

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Yes, lets talk bout this! 

So in 20 days I will be returning home to Ohio.  Hot, muggy, Middle-America.  And yes, I’m excited.

I heard Dolly Parton’s new song HOME last night and I’m already obsessed because its so true.  And its kind of weird too, because I will be the first person to shit on my hometown and talk about how Ohio is a hellhole.

And yet there is this odd affection for it.  I will always have the memories of my childhood and will always get that weird sense of relief whenever I see my house after months or years of being away.  Thats just how it is.  That is HOME. It is your good and it is your bad.  but it is YOU. 

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Im hoping home brings me peace and allows me to refresh my mind.  I feel like Ive made a big turn these past 2 days.  The stuff Ive been worrying about just seems so trivial now because it is.  Im a hard worker.  If the job I’m working at falls through and I need to look for new work Ill manage.  If I have to leave to a new country ill embrace it as a chance for adventure and to make new friends, and maybe even meet the love of my life?

Going home will be good for me.  It will be a chance to remember what is important to me.

~ Having friends and finding love

~ Changing the world in hopes of it becoming better (even it is through small steps like this blog)

~ Experiencing adventure

~ Never compromising my beliefs

The rest is trivial.  What job i have in the meantime, where I’m living. What I’m wearing., and the rest of the bullshit.

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get up, dry those tears, and join me in not being afraid to live life anymore!  If death is coming than death is coming but until then Im going to try to be the best I can be!

~ Going Home

The Darj Horse