Tag Archives: hope

The Innocence Of Anxiety

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So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

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I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

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Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

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And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

Dear Mom and Dad (A Letter They Will Never Read)

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Dear mom and dad, Im writing this because I know you’ll never read this.    I just wanted to let you know that yesterday, after leaving you at the airport, I arrived safely in Cambridge.   I will begin school next Monday and honestly, Im so excited.

 

I know that I never ever tell you this, but I love you both so much.   You guys have done so much for me and have made so many sacrifices.    Granted, we rarely see things eye-to-eye, and I know you guys don’t get me and my dreams.   But I don’t blame you.   We’re just different types of people and thats fine.

As you both know, I move around a lot.  And Its because I’m trying to find myself.   I have this deep need to be better.  To achieve greatness.  To try and take the world by storm.    But at the same time, I’ve been deeply hurt in my life.  From people who don’t get me.  From people who don’t want watch me succeed.    And in part, I suppose I have left their words and actions affect me to much.  Furthermore,  I can tell you both that it does get lonely when you constantly restart in new locations.  And I do miss you.   And I do have times where I just want to hop on a plane and come home.

 

The reason I never mention any of that to you is because I have too much pride.  I don’t want you guys worrying about me.  Fearing for me.   I don’t want you to know that Im not superhuman.   They say that every child has that moment where they realize their parents are only human.  Merely two flawed Earthlings.   When I found that out about you guys it broke my heart, and so I never want to make you two go through that same thing.

 

 

However, there is good news too.  I have really good hopes for this!  I think my intentions of going back to school are pure.  I almost feel a sense of innocence again.  Kind of like how most kids must feel when they start undergrad.  A blind-hope.  Some kind of just pure happiness and a thought things are about to be awesome.   I think I’ll learn a lot at Harvard.  I think I’ll be challenged.  Be bettered.   I have this sense of optimism and hope.  A feeling that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now…. a feeling I haven’t had in a very long time.

 

 

One day I hope that I can make you both very proud to be my parents ( I know you already are )   But still, I don’t feel proud to be me yet… Maybe thats what Im really hoping for.  And thats something Im never able to tell you.  That I feel like a failure.   I feel like a pathetic and complete failure.   I thought I would be so much more at age 27 than what I am.

 

But again, right now I’m feeling good.  Im feeling hopeful.   Im feeling optimistic.  And I just wanted to let you both know how much you mean to me.  How much I miss you every time I leave, and how grateful I am for your love and unending support.

 

~Love your son, The Dark Horse

A Positive Voice Can Make All The Difference

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So the other day i was really down.  My job is making me feel like shit.   My parents are making me feel like shit.  Society is making me feel like shit.   So, I was just all-around feeling like shit.

So, I called Lifeline.  Which people listen to me,  WHEN YOU ARE DOWN CALL LIFELINE!  THEY ARE AMAZING.   Id rather have you call lifeline and talk it out than go through the day feeling too depressed or anxious to live.

So I started listing off everything like a crazy person:

~ grew up gay in Ohio and have never had friends

~had to work full time during college to pay for college, and thusly totally missed out on the college experience and internships because i was busy working full time on top of school

~ Have been traveling around the world since graduation looking for a place to land…and haven’t found it

~my new job with sucks and doesn’t pay well, and my parents yelling at me constantly telling me to grow up

~ And how I’m applying to grad school but am worried about finances and if it will even pay off.

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And I swear to God she is like….. “sweetie, you need to slow down”.   So I slow down, take a breath and let her talk for a bit as I cool off.   She starts talking about how the economy is different now than it was for my parents.   Its normal to be 26 and lost in life these days.  She then tells me its also partly me:  She said, and I swear to you I loved this…she was like, “Look I can tell just from talking to you that you’re very smart.  Probably smarter than most people.   And Im sure way smarter than the people you work with since you’re working in retail”… “And you need to understand that small-time jobs and small-time people will never click with you,  because you’re meant for more”.

I literally was filled with warmth.   Someone actually on my side?  Someone who actually believes I can do something with my life?    IS THAT WHAT HAVING SUPPORT IN LIFE FEELS LIKE????   

I just relaxed in my seat  ( I was driving when I called because I just didn’t want to be at home).   I slowed down, went down some side streets and just smiled.   Hearing something nice….oh my god.  it was amazing!

Then she said, So what are you wanting to go to school for?  And I said Creative Writing.  Then she said, “Well you know, maybe you could find a compromise?   Get a day job and just write on the weekends as a hobby?”.   This made me kind of annoyed because is this something I hear from everyone…just another GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS comment.   But I tried to let her keep talking….but I just couldn’t. I had to tell her I actually feel because nobody else ever lets me.

So I said, well If I do that, how do I control this dying feeling I have inside?  And she was like… what do you mean?

So I told her that the idea of me not being able to live my dreams gives me a feeling like my intensities are being ground inside me.   Like Im suffocating.   Like theres no point in living.

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I want to write.  I want to inspire people!  I want to motivate people to want to continue living!  I want to make stories that are full of adventure, friendship, love, and overcoming obstacles that seem impossible…. until the end when you find out that hard work, dedication and a bit of teamwork can accomplish anything.   Growing up movies and books were my only friends.  After being called faggot all day at school, after the teachers would pretend like they didn’t see kids throwing things at me, after coming home and having my parents ask me why I had no friends, I could run up to my room and watch a movie or read a book.  They were my friends.   They were the ones who taught me about life.   I could see people who were like me, in situations that seemed hopeless…but you know what?  Somehow they always managed to conquer evil.  To win in the end.  To accomplish goals that seemed impossible!   And along the way they always made friends, had an adventure, and came out better people in the end.   I want to be able to give that to other people.

The she was silent for a few seconds… and then said:

“Sweetie, then you have no choice but to be a writer.   I’m sorry about what I said before… you’re dedicated, you know what you want, and you’re intentions are genuine.  You don’t have a choice but to chase your dreams”.

The biggest smile ever came across my face.  I just thought, FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS

Then she continued, “You know you may never make six figures though right? You may never accomplish wealth…”  And I was like, “Look, If I was happy and doing what I loved and was helping people, Id be fine living in a little apartment for the rest of my life, because Id have happiness, and self-worth.  Which is way better than money”.

Then she just laughed and said, “Honey, you will be very successful in life.  You are so genuine and want to write for all the right reasons.  You should also do public speaking,  you’re great at it”…

Then I was like, ” UUUGGGHHH I’d lllllllooooooovvvvvveeeee to do TED talks you have no idea!”

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She was like, “You know what, I really like you!   Here’s what you need to do.  Stop talking about your life to people in your hometown.  You’re better than them and you know what, jealousy will probably always make then hate you….and continue put you and your dreams down.  Normal people don’t chase their dreams because there afraid.  So they settle.  Don’t ever let them influence your life”.

 

I can’t even tell you how much that talk meant to me.    It just goes to show how much a positive voice in your life can change everything.

So, here I am, refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to fight the fight.

Never give up, never surrender!

~ The Dark Horse

UUGHHHH no this want proofread!  Who has the time??

 

Dealing with Mental Illness And Not Feeling Alone.

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So dealing with mental health issues is probably one of the worst hells anyone can go through.   One of the reasons why its so bad is because nobody understands.  How many times have you guys tried talking about this with others and you’ve gotten some bullshit line like, “OMG me too!  I used to be depressed and I like totally get anxiety sometimes….”

In my head I simply pull out a pistol, but in reality I’m just like…”Ugh huh”.  And then I know to never talk to them about it again.    Unfortunately due to social stigma, people thinking were just drama queens, and just a complete lack of anyone being able to comprehend how its possible to live a life in pure misery…We almost always feel alone and isolated.

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However, I have great news!   It is possible to feel like we are a community.   Support groups, counseling, and online communities can show us were not alone.    Yes it is true that we are statistically not the majority.    But hey, look at the commoners out in the world.  Would you really want to live in a blissful ignorance like them?   At least were able to feel emotion….granted they’re normally not good ones.  But hey, Id rather feel something than be numb.

For me personally this blog has helped me so much.   And I just want to say thank you for anyone and everyone who reads it, likes it, and comments on it.   You guys have no idea how amazing I feel when someone leaves a comment on a post.   It brings the biggest smile to my face.  Like one time I turned no my computer and saw this:

“I Just stumbled upon your page… Your words are like getting a hug on a rainy day. I am also an INFJ and a sagittarius. I had the same experience as you when I learned about it.. everything just fell into place. I am also living currently alone abroad..I have this feeling like I can finally breath again. But at the same time I have been thinking for quite some time about the fact that what I crave for is to find someone who would really see me, look past the mask, love me..to whom I could give my love to. Sometimes I just think it is an impossible wish.”

 

I think its amazing that through this anonymous blog people can feel so moved that they open up.   It is literally exactly what I hoped would happen by making this blog.

 

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So what does it mean for you guys?

Well it means a few things:

1.)   You brighten my day, and hopefully I brighten yours.  Thats a win-win in my book and I think thats fucking awesome!

2.) If you’re feeling alone or isolated, pick up a hobby! This blog has been amazing for me because I love writing.   But think of your passion!  Always wanted to play an instrument?  get into fitness?  Travel the world and meet others while staying in a hostel?   GO FOR IT PEOPLE! 

3.)  Need help or inspiration?    Meetup.com is a great place to start.   There are literally groups in your area for honestly everything and anything.    Think thats weird or feel like you’ll be an outcast?   Go to a UFO observing night or people who want to meet up and hunt for Bigfoot…. I can guarantee you that everyone in those groups will be outcasts and therefore you’ve got nothing to worry about!

4.) Buddhist Temples are another great place to go.   These temples are usually open to anyone wishing to gain inner peace. Buddhists are really awesome with the whole not-judging-others thing and if you go and say you have no idea what you’re doing you’ll most likely find someone willing to give you a hand.

5.) If all else fails and you’re really struggling.   ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS call your local lifeline. I promise you from experience that they’re not just for suicide.  They are there for anyone going through an emotional crisis.  And if calling them up just to cry your ass off because you feel so alone THEN GUUUUUUUUURRRRRRLLLL YOU GO AND DO IT.  

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Remember, there is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse

(Im pretty sure this was proofread… but Idk…. theres probably some mistakes here and there :p )

Hope. Its What We Have To Have

 

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So in the wake of Orlando I think its time to talk about hope.  As a gay guy from America I have to say this weekend killed me a little inside.    Not only was there a horrific attack against the LGBT community but now everyone and their fucking mother are trying to pretend like this had nothing to do with the gay community.

Dear straight religious people, at some point you’ll have to accept this was a product of the culture you’ve created and enforced.    Do you know what its called when there is a hate crime…. hate crime? hahaha…. this was actually a fucking massacre…. but anyways:

Do you know what its called when a hate crime is committed and everyone turns a blind eye?  Thats called OPPRESSION you cunts.

Was this man crazy?  Yes.  

And did he have access to guns because America is an insane shithole with flimsy laws?  Yes.

But would this attack have happened if this man was raised in a culture that didn’t teach him to hate gays?… Well now, there’s a question for you….

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But enough about those cunts who are downplaying what just happened this post isn’t for them.  This post is about what to do now.

 

 

This is one of those instances that was about death.  We suffered and mourned the loss of 49 lives.  But after mourning comes an intense desire to live.

And thats exactly what I have.  I have a big fork in the road coming up in my life and dammit I want to make the most of it.

 

I want to live.  I want to really really live. I want to find love, adventure, friendship, joy, humor, and excitement! I want to make an impact on this world!  I want to finally stop being dragged through life and finally start actually living.  Because unfortunately, with the world we live in, you never know when you may be dancing at a club when all of the sudden you and everyone around are on the floor bleeding to death.  

 

Need some inspiration?   Ok well look at this:

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This is Hawaii 

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This is an actual castle in Germany

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This is a real beach in Thailand 

Why are we looking at these?  Well because over the weekend we saw what horror, bloodshed, and hate looked like.   What we to remember is that there is still so much beauty in the world.   Life still holds meaning, joy, and love.   Adventure is still out there, its just waiting to be found.

Take all the pain and hurt from this weekend and lets mold it from mourning, into passion.    Remember to live life to the fullest.   To embrace every single moment because you never know when it may be your last.

Tonight before you go to bed, hug your mom.   Or your flatmate…  or fuck, hug your dog.   They love being hugged!   Just show someone you care.   Embrace and feel the love!

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~ The Dark Horse

(I would have proofread this, but I was too busy looking at this picture of how amazing the world really is)

Travel and INFJ (Or, Just Fucking Do It…Its Good For You)

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Ah, yes the joys of travel.  Waiting in lines at airports, dining on the strange delicacy that is airline food, currency conversion, language barriers, new sights, unfamiliar cities.

The true joys of life and I’m right guys????

What scares most people is our lifeblood.   Our calling.  Our passion.   Our true nature as an INFJ.

The point of this post?  Well its to say, if you’re INFJ and aren’t traveling DO IT NOW!  And if you are traveling, well I’m sure you’re reaping the benefits, am I right?

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Why is it that were born travelers?

Well, for starters we’re born outcasts.    INFJ’s make up only one percent of the entire population!  With 7.125 billion people in this world, that means theres only 71 million of us!   So if you found every INFJ on the planet and put us all together we would only make up the equivalent to the population of France.

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Bonjour all you INFJ’s out there! 

So we’re natural outcasts.   Which you may think sucks (which, it kind of does) but were such strong travelers because were not phased by being in a new space; by not knowing anyone; by being in different cultures; by being surrounded by something different…. because well, thats just our life.    Even in our hometowns were surrounded by a different culture than our own all the time.

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Furthermore travel is that perfect combination of what INFJ’s are.    As INFJ’s we are the combination of the introvert, and the extrovert.  Traveling gives us new challenges to think about, to analyze, to feel, to enjoy.

It is the sweetest mental candy your mind will ever taste!

And then we get the extrovert side of us excited as well.   Traveling is visually stunning, Its a cultural experience, You met new people, you try need foods….and all of this happens in places you’ve never been before.

Your popular friends can fucking go on and on about how much fun they have as they suck down vodka and snort cocaine in the bathroom of some club, but those bitches will never know what a real high feels like.

We do get that privilege.  

The high we feel during the take off of an airplane, that first step outside of an airport and smelling the air of a new place.   The joy we get from learning the wold is a bigger and more beautiful place than one man could ever tame.

That is a real high.  That is a true high.   So next time, tell your the popular kids to suck a dick and then get your ass on a plane! 

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Finally, we as INFJ’s are highly idealistic.  We look not to make excuses about “thats just how it is”, but instead we love to say “but this is how good it could be if we worked for it!”. And travel proves us right.

For anyone who ever says, “Well thats just how it is” traveling gives you proof that they’re wrong.  Why?  Well because you’ve seen it.

How could you possibly not believe in world peace after seeing dolphins play in the Florida Keys? 

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How could you not believe in tranquility after sitting next to a waterfall in Bali? 

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How could you not believe that community is still a real thing after seeing what a funeral looks like in New Orleans?

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….you can’t.    Which is why travel is amazing.

Alright all you INFJ’s (and hell, this goes for humans in general) GET TRAVELING!   GO FIND YOURSELF, BECAUSE REALLY, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??????

~ The Dark Horse