Tag Archives: humor

GIFs That Get Me Through The Day

RuPaul

During trying times like these, it’s important to have a release. Whether it be something funny, something relatable, or something so absurd that it’s distracting enough to take you away from how dire life has become.

And currently, since I’m trapped here in NYC during lockdown, there’s not much in the world to excite me…Which is why I always turn to some ever-classic GIFs to help get me through the roughest days. here are some of my favs:

 

 

When people doubt you, and it’s time to show em’ who’s boss…

explosion

 

The look you give when someone has the audacity to call you weird…

Sharon Needles

 

 

The GIF I watch since I have nobody to cuddle with during lockdown…

puppy cuddles

 

 

The face I make when I go outside and realize that nobody
is social distancing…

not impressed

 

 

Me overhearing my roommate have massive drama with
her petty friends on Zoom…

spill the tea

 

 

That poor seal…

great white shark

 

 

We all entered 2020 with high hopes…

Jurassic Prk Gate

 

 

What 2020 has actually been like….

Jusrassic Park T Rex

 

~ The Dark Horse

Looking Out My Window During The Pandemic

Ah, New York City. The place where dreams come true. The place where anything is possible. The place immortalized by movies, songs, novels, and poems. What a gorgeous town. They say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere, after all.

Ah, let’s open up the blinds and look out at the stunning accomplishments of mankind…

 

Empire state building blow up

 

Oh…. fuck.

 

Ok, well surely this city can withstand a little pandemic right?  Surely nobody is losing their minds. Surely the city isn’t falling apart at the hands of a virus gone awry, right? Right??!?!??!?!

Maybe just one more peek out my window.  I’m sure everything is all better now. After all, this is the city that knows how to survive anything….

 

Cloverfield

 

Oh dear sweet lord!

(closes blinds, hides under covers)

(shakes back and forth)

Oh… everything is fine…. Just fine. Just dandy!  Fine and dandy…. Oh yes…. yes, yes, yes…. umm…. Ugh, oh boy.

Wait a second!

I’m just being silly. The world isn’t that bad or that scary. This virus isn’t even that deadly… that we know of… and I refuse to be scared. I refuse to sit in my bedroom, trapped like a rat in a cage. This is ridiculous. I am young, I am strong, and I am capable of anything! I’m going to go open my blinds, and outside my window will be a bright, sunny, warm day, and everything is going to be all better! I just know it!

(walks to the window, throws open the curtains)

 

the day after tomorrow

 

HOLY FUCKBALLS! 

Man, we are fucked.

Oh well, nothing else we can do I guess. Let’s fire up the kettle. Open up that fresh tin of darjeeling, and go through the entire Friday the 13th franchise…

we're all gonna die

~ The Dark Horse

 

Is It Wrong To Be In Love With A Piece Of Paper?

b and red

So, in general, I’m not one of those writers who enjoys talking about how much they “just love the feel of a pen in their hand” or “the sound it makes when it hits the paper.” I think that shit is so annoying and is such a cheap way to try and describe the joy of writing.

Having said that, here is a notebook brand out there called Black n’ Red. And let me tell you, it has the most orgasmic paper I have ever felt in my life. The paper is so smooth, almost too smooth, as if I’m writing on an ice skating rink. At any second, if I cross my T’s a little too strong, my my pen could go flying off the page, careening across the room.

And I know… I just bashed people who talk like this. But you don’t understand! The feel of this paper! It’s unnatural. It’s the kind of smooth that can only come from a deal with the devil. Surely there must be evil forces behind something so glorious. Imagine touching something so pristine, so exhilarating.

When I touch the paper, I want to take all my clothes off.

o face

Do I love this paper a little too much? Well…you haven’t felt it yet. Judge me only after you’ve experienced the pure carnal bliss of your finger against a piece of notebook paper.

 

Oh god, oh yes! oooooohhhhhh!!!!!!

writing

Oh my… That was the best journaling experience I’ve ever had.

I think I need a tea now.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Joys of Flying Spirit

spirit

Spirit, America’s trashiest airline, has done it again, proving that it is truly one of the worst airlines in the history of the human race, rivaled only by Air Koryo, or Terydactal Airlines from The Flintstones.

So, here we go: First off… they charge for bags, and not just checked bags, but carry ons too. If you’re going to any destination for longer than a day or two, expect to add $55 to any ticket you book.

inflight meal

Secondly, you can’t pick your seat, and the good seats are always saved for those who purchase seat selections or those who have the Spirit credit card… Which, let me just say. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVER BUY THE SPIRIT CREDIT CARD? Do you like feeling embarrassed every time you whip out your wallet? A credit card with Spirit is like a diploma from Trump University…it’s worthless. So, unless you want the middle seat, expect to pay and extra $20 for any ticket you purchase.

Then comes the fact that they serve no snacks or drinks on the plane, not even water. So, if you fly Spirit, expect to add another $20 for the overpriced water and granola bars in the airport terminal.

Also, they have no in-flight entertainment, nor do they have free wifi. So, unless you’re planning on staring at your palms for 3 hours, expect to pay another $10 per ticket on magazines, or to download a movie from iTunes or something.

flying Spirit Airlines

And if you do decide to watch a movie on your laptop…there are NO setback tray tables, so you’ll have nowhere to put your laptop, and the seat is going to be so close to you that you’ll never be able to fit a laptop on your lap anyways.

And this brings us to their delays.  Since Spirit is trash and doesn’t care about you, the passenger, at all, expect to be delayed. Prepare to sit in the airport for hours as unhelpful minimum wage desk agents do absolutely nothing. You’ll need to spend another $30 on food and drinks as you aimlessly wait for your plane to arrive.

flying Spirit

So, if your Spirit flight was $100 cheaper than another airline, like Delta… after adding up all the costs, your travel expenses are no actually more expensive, and that’s figuring that you’re not checking a bag. If you do check a bag, add another $60 to the prices listed above.

 

Was this proofread? Obviously not!

~ The Dark Horse

I’m So Excited for The Holidays, I Can’t Handle It!

kid on christmas

So, I’ve found a new apartment, I’ve gotten my deposit back, and I’ll be moving out of my awful apartment on December 1st. Now, I can finally get back to what I really want to be doing right now… FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS!

OH, SWEET HOLY HONEY ON HIGH! I literally love the holidays so much it might actually be unhealthy.

kristin wiig

Oh my lord. I just can’t.  So, now that I’m a travel a writer, the holidays have gotten EVEN better. You know how every year you see stories like, “AAA released how busy the roads will be this holiday” and “Priceline lists the top Thanksgiving travel destinations of 2019”? Well, I have always LOVED those stories. I scroll through Google news endlessly, all through November and December, reading news about holiday travel. I’m obsessed with the madness! The hustle! The bustle!

And now… I GET TO BE THE ONE WHO WRITES THOSE STORIES!  When I saw the email from AAA earlier this week with their annual holiday forecast, I literally almost died. I was like… OMG this is my dream come true. I finally get to WRITE an article on the AAA Thanksgiving forecast! (They’re projecting about 51 million Americans will be traveling this Thanksgiving!)

 

Oh lord…. this is too much. I’m too excited. I can’t breathe!   Oh no! I’m hyperventilating!

excited SNL

Am I only person who goes on Google Maps, turns on the 3D mode, and then looks at airports around the country, dreaming of the absolute chaos that must be going on inside them during the holidays?

Is there anything better than knowing that after your exhausting day at the airport, you can go home, to food that was cooked by someone else, towels that were washed by someone else, and best of all… now that I live in New York, there is NOTHING BETTER than going to bed in a quiet house on a quiet street. You don’t get silence like that in NYC, so it feels simply magical when I go home!

kristin wiig excited

Oh god, I’m too excited! Ok, I’m going to make myself a chamomile tea and take a warm shower.

~ The Dark Horse

(No, this wasn’t proofread, this was written through pure holiday mania!)

Did You Know You Can Throw Up Through Your Nose?

Portrait of young man drunk or sick vomiting outdoors

The answer is yes, you can!

On my first night in Rhode Island, the magazine sent me out to this super fancy restaurant where, I’m not kidding, for 3 of us, the bill was over $1,000. I was like, I’m in Rhode Island, and New England is all about seafood and such, so I may as well try oysters on the half-shell. There are oyster bars all over Rhode Island. It seemed like a cultural rite of passage.

So, this was also a 7 course meal… Ya, it was nuts.

And after getting home I was like… Wow, I’m full. Really really full, like, my tummy is bloated beyond belief full…

And as I laid in bed and was like… Something is wrong.  I started getting chills. I could feel my mouth getting really clammy (forgive the pun)

I was feeling a bit like this:

vomit

Suddenly, I knew it was coming. I had passed the point of no return.

I ran to the bathroom and puked my guts out. AND it even came out of my nose! I was so sick. And I couldn’t stop throwing up. And again and again it kept coming up even through my nose! It was the grossest moment of my life. I felt horrible.

throw up 1

However, I was there for work. I had a job to do. I had many more restaurants to visit and things to do. So, after puking my guts out all night, I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and headed out for breakfast!

The life of a traveler. 

I will say, after that awful night, I ended up having an amazing time in Rhode Island, and highly recommend it! (just avoid the oysters!)

~ The Dark Horse