Tag Archives: humor

The Innocence Of Anxiety

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So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

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I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

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Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

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And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

Working Hard Is Hard With Depression And Anxiety

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So, I’ve recently started writing a book!   It’s crazy exciting and I’m loving writing it.  But there is still the depression and anxiety looming over me.  It’s something that doesn’t just go away overnight.

 

I’m still getting all those fun thoughts like, “But what if this book isn’t good?”, “What if I have no talent?”, and “Maybe I’ll never amount to anything”.

Does anyone get similar thoughts sometimes?

 

Yeah,  depression and anxiety are a bitch.   But you know what, they won’t just go away.  They are tricky little fuckers to get rid of.  But with patience, practice, and perseverance we can overcome these obstacles.

Now granted, I can’t speak for everyone.  But for me, I know I have gotten better over the years, and the reason why is because I have worked really hard.   And yes, I have days when I think the world is horrible and I don’t want to get out of bed. I have days when I feel everyone is out to get me. I have days when I’m convinced I’m destined to do nothing but fail until the day I die. But at the same time i realize that in life we don’t have many choices.

I mean think about it.  You can either: kill yourself, live a miserable and depressed life until you die, or fight fight fight to make things better.

Pop Culture Icons Struggling to Survive

 

And options 1 and 2 ARE NOT THE ONES YOU WANT TO CHOOSE.

So, here is what I’m doing right now.   I’m continuing to write my book.  It is my book.  I love writing it, and I’m having a blast creating a story and the characters.  So even if it never gets published, or if i’m told it’s complete shit, I will always have the good memories of making the story.

I’m sending the book out to people.  Reaching out to people is important when writing.  T get good feedback and ideas.  PLUS, when it comes to depression and anxiety it’s always good to make sure not to isolate yourself!  So, I’m having a professor read it, my therapist is reading it, and I’ve contacting some of my favorite authors and asked them to read it too!

I’m considering it a hobby as well as a dream.  So yes, this book may never be published. It could suck.  It could be complete shit, but you know what, at least I spent this time doing something rather than hiding under my bed crying about how much I just want an asteroid to crush into Earth and kill everyone like I used to…yes. I’m being serious.  With how I was treated growing up, I used to want nothing more than to watch the world die.

 

So let’s review people.  This is my experience, so it won’t mirror yours exactly, but I feel with depression and anxiety we all have relatable experiences.

 

 

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1.)  Remember to keep doing things you you love,  even if it’s for nothing more than the fact that it is fun.

 

 

 

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2.)  Remember, to keep getting out in the world…even if it doesn’t always go well, and trust me from experience, it WONT always go well.  But it’s still worth it!  Let’s all make some friends!

 

 

 

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3.)  Remember to chill out.  Things won’t always work out.  But as long as you enjoyed the ride, the destination doesn’t matter so much.

 

 

~ Let’s live our lives people!

 

The Dark Horse

Agoraphobic No More!

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So the picture above is part of campus.   It’s this in-between space.  What you’re looking at in the background is the sciences and laws school campuses and if you were to look left from where these food trucks and people are you would be looking at Harvard Yard, which is where all the liberal arts are.

So I was in the library all morning yesterday writing and reading and I was like you know what it’s beautiful out right now.  I’m going to get a tea and walk around for a bit.  So I go for a walk.  I walk past the Law School (which has some beautiful buildings), and my favorites are the zoology and biology buildings because they have big statues of animals and there are even animals engraved into the walls.  Its really cool!

So, anyways, then I get back to this open part and I sit there and look and am like, you know what, this is actually a really nice spot.   I was thinking about how when my parents come to visit in the summer maybe I’ll walk em around campus and we can get some food from the food trucks and stuff.

And then suddenly memories from Australia came rushing back into my head.   Memories about walking outside of my apartment in the city and having this feeling rush over me.

This intense fear that I WAS GOING TO INSTANTLY DIE. 

Can I get a “what what” from all the homies out there with agoraphobia?  You know the feeling im talking about!   That dizzy feeling.  Your breathing becomes really hard.  Your brain suddenly feels like its expanding and will quickly burst out of your skull.   Suddenly your legs are shaking.   You are now convinced this is it:  You are for some unknown reason about to die.  Maybe an undiagnosed illness?  Maybe your food was poisoned?  Maybe a heart-attack?  You could say maybe forever but it doesn’t matter.  Death is death, and the fact is, you’re going to die.

So you run and hide.  Normally, back into your house….and then suddenly it all seems to slowly go away.  And you feel fine.   Your home is your safe space.  The place where you can feel ok…. but really what its become is your tomb.   Your life is now gone.  Because you’re never able to be yourself in the real world.   You’ve confined yourself into a life that is un-lived.

So here is another picture of campus I took yesterday.  A picture of Harvard Yard:

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Also, PS- I didn’t take these pictures for my own pleasure, I took them for this blog post. So please don’t think Im an awful photographer based on these haha!  They’re purpose is just to show the campus.

Ugh, but look at me ramble on, ANYHOO, back to the story:

So you can see above, more open spaces with people in them.  Again, for any of you out there with agoraphobia I know how scary these look.  Trust me, I was there once.

SO WHAT DID I DO?

~ Well for starters I got myself back into therapy.  I will never forget the end of my first therapy session in Australia.  I sat there and said to my therapist, “So what am i supposed to do until next session?”.  And she kind of gave me this look of like…what do you mean?  And I was like… “Well do you have any advice as to how I’m supposed to walk home…without like…passing out and collapsing?”

Oh man, I was a handful.

~  Also, the suicide hotline and lifeline.  CALL THEM.  And no, don’t roll your eyes or give me that look or I’ll smack the shit out of you.  CALL THEM.   Trust me, I did….I used to all the time.  Seriously!    Call them and just be honest.  Be like, “Look i’m not suicidal, but I’m overcome with this feeling that I’m going to die whenever I walk outside.  Please be on the phone with me, and just be there”.  The first few times I was even like, look here’s where I am.  I either have agoraphobia, or have an undiagnosed illness that will kill me.  Im going to start walking around…if i stop talking and you think i’m dead, call the cops.

Here are a list of all Lifeline numbers:

Lifeline List

If the link doesn’t open, just google lifeline.  The number for your country will come up.

~ Also, time.  It takes time!   Trust me, the first few times you walk outside its really scary!  But after 100 times you’re like… well I haven’t died yet so maybe this is all in my head.

~But most importantly..and I mean this...

THE

MOST

IMPORTANT

THING

TO

KNOW

IS

THAT

YOU

ARE

SO

BRAVE.

YES! It takes bravery.  Sure, you can have a therapist, and you can call lifeline.  And everyone can tell you its all in your head.  But to us, its so real.   The feeling of blood-curdling fear is there.  And people who don’t have agoraphobia do not understand what that fear is like.  So for you to go outside.  For you to face the idea of dying straight in the face.   For you to face your panic….it will take bravery.   And never ever forget how strong you are when you’re able to go out there and rock shit out!

 

Ok so to sum it all up, lets use some Starship Troopers Gifs:

 

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So, yes.  Sometimes mental illness can seem like a giant scary alien insect that will surely kill you.

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But you know what, with some hard work and determination, even taking down a giant alien space bug is possible.

 

 

 

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Lookin’ good soldier.

 

 

Alright guys, keep up the good work!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

Being INFJ During The Trump Era

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So is anyone else out there having a horrid, dying, rotting feeling inside?   Like you’re watching The Empire Strikes Back?  And you’re just watching the Empire somehow constantly win and destroy everything?

Yeah…. you’re not alone.  As INFJ’s we are in for 4 or 8 years of absolute hell.  Because Donald Cunt, I mean, Donald Trump, is everything we stand against.

 

But hey, sit down, pour yourself some tea, and refrain from killing yourself for at least 10 more minutes to read this post because you know what?  We are in this together and there is strength in numbers. 

Lets start with the problems of this pathetic presidency: 

For starters, as INFJ’s we have an inherent sense of altruism that runs through us.   Helping each other for the greater good, using kindness rather than hatred, and leaving society better than how found it, are how we live our lives.    In fact, many INFJ’s see helping people as their purpose in life.  Which is why so many go on to be humanitarians, therapists, and social provocateurs.   We are the movers and the shakers in this world because we KNOW that goodness wins.

So for us to watch this:

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This shit kills us inside.     Because another part of being INFJ means that we are very sensitive.   This sensitivity is what gives us our amazing sense of empathy and our ability to know true pain.   And people, let me tell you…knowing that this shit is happening in my country causes me to feel true pain.     What makes everything even worse is that this is SUCH A SMALL SAMPLE OF HOW MANY OF THESE HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE ELECTION! 

In fact, the Southern Poverty Law Center has cited over 1,000 reports of Trump-related hate crimes since the election.    It is fucking sickening.

 

 

Furthermore, INFJ’s have a great sense of intuition.   In fact,introverted intuition is our dominant trait. Just as birds somehow know to migrate in the winter over thousands of miles, we have an inherent and seemingly unearthly ability to just know things.

And people, I knew long before this happened…..

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….. That Donald Trump shouldn’t be president.    And I have a feeling most of you did too.

Which is what crushed us so heavily during this election.  We, already knowing what a crap-basket this man was, had to sit and watch him constantly do and say horrible things like:

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and this:

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and this:

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And dear God…there are literally so many more…

We had to sit there, watching that, as we heard half of the country praise this man.   It was honestly heartbreaking for me.

SO NOW I’M SURE YOU’RE ASKING:

IS THERE ANY GOOD NEWS?

Well, there is.  Because as INFJ’s we come from a long line of amazing people who have literally turned this world upside down.    Recognize any of these fellow INFJ’s?

 

Thats right people!   We are the people who change this damn world.  And you know what, if Donald wants to try to ruin this country you can bet your sweet ass that we will be there to try our hardest to stop him.   And always remember, The Empire Strikes back was followed by Return Of The Jedi.  Because c’mon…. evil can’t win.  Especially when you’re as stupid and careless as our current president-elect.

Remember to stay strong, you’re not alone in your pain and misery, and above all else try to change this world for the better!   Sign petitions, go to protests, treat others the way you’d like to be treated, and dear fucking god vote in 2020 and hopefully we may still have something resembling a country afterwards.

 

KICK SOME ASS PEOPLE! 

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~ The Dark Horse

(no this wasn’t proofread… Donald Trump can’t even read so theres no need proofreading this for him)

There Is Always Hope

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Ugh…. yes I’m annoyed to say, but somehow, hope always prevails.  Its the one thing that gets us through the hard times.  That little fucker that somehow keeps us all going…. even when some of us (myself included) would just wish it would go away so I could kill myself without regrets.  But nope.  That shit doesn’t fly.   There is that little engine that could living within us.

Honestly, hope is like the sun.    This spinning, raging, burning combustion.   From seemingly nowhere, nuclear fusion gives birth energy.   Its gravitational force pulls your soul into its orbit.  keeping it alive.  Keeping warm.   When all else is gone we somehow keep going, all thanks to hope.   Breathing life into a lifeless void.

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Its been over a month since Ive last blogged.  I have been going through a lot.

Back in September I moved back home….ugh…

with my parents…..UUUUGGGHHHH

….IN OHIO.  KILL ME PLEASE! 

So I was going through the normal things a 26 year old who moved back home would go through.  “Im a failure”.  “My life has been a waste”.   And then suddenly the election happened and I learned that half of America are raging hateful idiots who elected a man who looks like one of those puppets from the Land Of Confusion music video.

ITS GREAT TO BE BACK IN AMERICA PEOPLE…cough

However, I learned something as well.   People are not there for you.   You are the only person who can make your dreams come true.  Here I am.  26, with a college education.  I have lived around the world… and yet, I’m working in retail at American Eagle with a bunch of Republicans who think their cousin getting married is the highlight of their year…..

I stopped blogging I was so depressed.   I stopped trying to make friends here (although lets be honest, this is Ohio…I never clicked with anyone here anyways).   I could feel my anxiety coming back into the picture.   I was so depressed I just wanted to sleep all day every day.

but then….

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I could feel it.   The burning.  The power.  The raging source of life that somehow manages to exist despite the world trying to constantly beat it down.

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So, I decided to take life into my own hands.  I decided I was going to stop feeling like I wasn’t good enough.  Like I didn’t deserve happiness.   So, I did what any logical person would do:

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I applied to Harvard, duh.

If I’m going to get my shit together and believe that I’m not a wasted life, well then I’m going to just have to believe that I’m one of the best.   Think of the opportunities this could lead to!  The people I could meet.  The doors that could open.  Im ready to be challenged.  To be the best I can be.  IM READY TO SET THIS FUCKING WORLD ON FIRE (metaphorically of course).

But seriously, for undergrad I went to a preppy little college in Los Angeles as a communications major where class would be canceled because the professor decided to go to the beach… and now I may be at Harvard. A real college.  Surrounded by the best and brightest in the world.   ….. wait…. do you know who I sound like?

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And you know what?  Elle Woods is a fucking inspiration for the children so leave her the fuck alone!  She’s awesome!

 

And Im ready for her to pass the baton to me.  Its my turn to turn Harvard on its head and change the fucking world.

AND I SOOOOOOOOO HOPE THAT PEOPLE LOOK AT ME AND GO, “YOU GOT INTO HARVARD?”  SO I CAN RESPOND WITH:

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So thats it people!   Life works in mysterious ways.   And sometimes we REALLY DO need to just believe in ourselves.   I mean hey, if were on the verge of giving up on life anyways whats the harm in giving it your all before you truly give up?

 

And remember when the dumb cunts in life try to bring you down just remember:

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Rock on bitches and never proofread your posts!  Write with passion not precision!

~THE DARK HORSE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learning To Laugh At Panic Attacks

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So I have some great news!  I have achieved a new level in the healing process!!!!!

The memories of my panic attacks back in Australia have gone from traumatizing memories to hilarious ones!     It al started when I was trying to explain to someone how horrible it was.

I was sitting there and I was like,

“It was awful!  I would get so dizzy, and I couldn’t make out any focal points, it was like everything was in a fish-eye lens!     Then my legs would get wobbly, and my heart would feel like it was going to explode out of my body!”

Then she kind of sat there and looked half concerned and half curious so I kept going.  I continued:

“Yeah it was traumatic!    My legs would get so wobbly that I was convinced I would collapse!   Then you just get filled with this panic that you’re going to die!”

“Thats terrible!”, she said.   So I went on to really drive home the point of how horrible panic attacks are:

“The worst part is that nobody would help me!  I would be wobbling around, collapsing into things, and people would look at me like I was a meth addict!”

Then she started laughing her ass off!  And I was like,

ITS NOT FUNNY!!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE!….In fact one time I got so scared and I didn’t know what to do,so I just tried to run away and ran in front of a car, then saw the car, and fell backwards onto the sidewalk!  And then everybody was just staring at me so I ran away all wobbly and tripping over myself!”

 

At this point she was on the floor rolling around

 

I was like, DUDE STOP!  THIS IS A HORRIBLE MEMORY!

And then I kind of just sat there and really thought it.  I thought about how I must have looked to random people on the streets of Melbourne.

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How horribly random, and insane I must have looked.  Like something you only see in some Disney comedy.   And then, I started to laugh.   And laugh and laugh and laugh.

 

 

Before long I was on the floor right along with her barely able to breathe I was laughing so hard.

I was like STOP MAKING ME LAUGH ABOUT THIS IT!  ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A HORRIBLE MEMORY!

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But the more I yelled at her, the more she just couldn’t control herself.   And the more she couldn’t control herself the more I couldn’t either.

 

Now, whenever I think of those moments I can’t help but laugh.  They have become funny to me.  So completely insane and unbelievable they i have no other reaction but to laugh.

 

So there we go people healing in action!

 

~ The Dark Horse