Tag Archives: humor

My Life Went To Hell In 1 Short Week…

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So, let’s flashback to July 31st… Ah, I was so young, so naive. So innocent.

I thought I was about to move to an apartment on the Upper East Side. I was packing up my things because we had to vacate the apartment by midnight.

But then, at 3pm, my new roommate texted me to say that he decided to go with someone else…

CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT?

And I was losing my apartment 9 hours later…..

AND THEN I WENT INTO MELTDOWN MODE.

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***Actual Footage of Inside My Soul on July 31, 2019***

 

I was scrambling.  I was desperately messaging apartments and texting everyone and anyone I knew saying I needed a couch to sleep on.

The hours went by and no responses came.

It was now 11pm. I went into critical meltdown mode. I had to realize that it was possible I might have to hop in a cab and head to the airport. I had to accept that this could be the end of my time in New York.  The thought of a hotel for a night crossed my mind… then I saw the prices for last-minute hotels in NYC during the summer months, and I quickly discovered that wasn’t an option.

I had to get serious.  I said, “What can I carry on a plane home, and what can’t I.”

My lamp. My desk. Had to go

My pillows, sheets, blankets. Had to go. 

All my books. Magazines. Notebooks. Had to go. 

Clothes I hadn’t worn in a while. Had to go. 

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I was near tears, throwing my entire life onto the curb of 82nd street.

THEN, FINALLY AT 5 MINUTES BEFORE MIDNIGHT, a guy I had slept with a few times messaged me. “Sure, come over.”

I couldn’t believe it. I was still in the game. But, I needed to pack light. This random guy was already doing me a favor, I couldn’t bring my entire life over to his place. I needed to accept that all the stuff on the curb was gone. Out of my life.

 

I stayed with him for 2 days. I worked during the day, and visited apartments at night. And oh man, once I lowered my standards…. the places I found…..

There was the Indian guy in East Harlem who wanted me to share a twin-size bed with him. There was an apartment of Korean guys who had walled off a section of of their living room with plywood to create a “flex bedroom” (AKA: A small, windowless box made of plywood) and they wanted $1,300 a month (not including utilities) for it. And there was another place on the Upper East Side I found on Craigslist. It was a super tiny room in a 4-bedroom apartment for $1k a month. I thought, ONLY 1k A MONTH??? I’d living in a closet on the Upper East Side for that!

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The broker wanted first, last, security, and a 1k broker fee.

I asked, “You want a broker fee for an apartment I found on Craigslist?”

…He stopped responding to my texts.

Then, the guy I was staying with goes, “So…my boyfriend is staying over for the next few days, and he gets really jealous so you have to go.”

I texted my friend and didn’t even ask to stay with him. I simply said, “I’m coming over.”

I got to his place and fell asleep on his couch, I was so dead. The next morning  I woke up to visit an apartment in Williamsburg, AND BAM! That was it. The neighborhood was great, my roommate was fuckin hot, and super nice, and we clicked instantly, and then he said, “But, I just moved in and need to set up the apartment, so move-in isn’t until August 10. I couldn’t pass it up though. So I instantly gave him the deposit.

I get back to my friend’s and he goes, “Look, I have to go out of town for a birthday, and I don’t really feel comfortable with you being here when I’m not.. so, you have to leave.”

I went on Orbitz, booked a flight home for that night and called my mom from the taxi to JFK.

“Hi Honey! What’s going on?”

“Hi mom. My flight is going to land at about 9:20pm, I need you to be at the airport to pick me up.”

(silence.) 

“Tonight?”

“Yes.”

“You’re coming home tonight?”

“Yes.”

(squeal!) “Oh ok!!! We’ll be there! I can’t wait to see you! Do you need me to pick up anyt….”

(Click.) 

I didn’t have time to speak to her. I had to call work to arrange being gone for a week.

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So, after a plane ride, and a ride home from the airport. I hopped in bed, safe in my childhood bedroom.  Little did I realize that I had been running around so much the past few days that I hadn’t been eating or drinking.

The next morning at 9 a.m. I shoot out of bed. I had a massive Charlie horse in my right calf. I jumped up, and instantly get woozy and light-headed and collapse. My parents are both at work already. I try to stand up again, and I get woozy again, and collapse. I try a third time, and start losing my vision when I stand up. I collapse again.

I decide that maybe I need food and water. I try to walk downstairs to the kitchen and again, I can feel my vision blurring and my head getting all wobbly. I collapse. Then, with no other option, I call 911 and literally have to say the lines, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”  I’M NOT EVEN 30 YEARS OLD! 

 

Long story short. They come and tell me I seem dehydrated, but my blood pressure and sugars seem fine. I go to the doctor just to be safe. I get bloodwork done and a cardiac test. Everything comes back fine. It was just exhaustion and dehydration.

So, that’s how, all within less than 7 days, I lost my apartment, stayed on 2 people’s couches, had to fly home, and even call 911…

But. I’m not giving up. I’m still in this. I head to back to New York tomorrow. I won’t give up. New York won’t win. I let Australia take me down and I’ve never forgiven myself. New York City and all you cuntfuck New Yorkers who live there… you’ve made a powerful enemy. game on.

 

~ The Dark Horse

(this post was way too long to proofread.  Sowwyz!)

 

 

 

 

 

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SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE

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Holy fuckbills on a stick people, Summer is finally almost here! It’s so close, so. damn. close!

The warmth. The sun. The adventure! For real, anyone else out there with depression and anxiety – how do you feel about summer? I know that back when I was younger and overweight I used to hate summer. Summer was a time for wearing shorts and short-sleeved shirts. AKA: It was a time for my pasty fat to be shown to the world. And I hated it immensely.

But now that I’ve gotten in shape, I’m the opposite. Now I love summer. I love getting some sun. I love the heat, the warmth. I feel like I have so much more energy in the summer and my depression seems to not be as bad. All the cloudy, short, cold winter days take it out of me. An the summer weather seems to charge me like a battery.

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But I fully understand that it’s all relative.

How did I go from hating the summer, to loving the summer?

And not just that, but winter seriously takes it out of me.

I used to long for those sweaters that I could hide under, for the idea of “I’m not sitting around the house because I have no life…I’m sitting around the house because it’s winter. duh!” It felt like such a great excuse to myself.

But now it’s almost like I’m revolting against the old me.

Now, when I’m trapped inside on cold winter days, memories of my past come back with a fury. The sadness of not just bleak the winter days, but also my bleak past, all live inside me all winter long.

But summer, Oh man! It makes me just want to run amok around the world. Finding adventure wherever I can.

 

So, if you’re like the old me and hate summer – here are some things to be excited about:

1.) New season of Stranger Things

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I could watch Winona Ryder freak out all day long.  Plus, did you see that amazing trailer playing The Who?  uuuuggghhhh…..SSSSUUUUUMMMMMMEEEERRRRRR

 

2.) Getting outside more

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Nothing makes you feel better than a good walk in the park, am I right? You could even go for a run if you wanted to.  Even if I’m completely alone, something about being outside in the warmth just makes me feel so much better.

 

3.) Summer Travel!

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Summer is a time for adventure and a time for traversing this great planet of ours! Don’t fear the worst! get out there, hop in a plane, and go somewhere!

 

4.) The New Godzilla movie

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If the world is just too depressing, and you feel like it’s all falling apart, then stay inside a nice cozy movie theater and watch the world get destroyed in the new Godzilla movie! Anytime a giant creature destroys mankind I am a happy man!

 

5.) Summer music!

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Summer is a time for the hottest songs of the year to get released….BUT SERIOUSLY, FUCK MODERN MUSIC. Instead, I fill my summers with the summer hits of the 90’s. Blast Blind Melon, Alanis Morissette, Hole, Lauryn Hill, Smashing Pumpkins, Robyn (old Robyn, not new Robyn), and Fiona Apple.  That’s right. Teach these stupid cunts what real music sounds like!

 

Enjoy your summer everyone!

~ The Dark Horse

The Macarena: The Most Diverse Music Video Ever

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Step aside all you obnoxious millennials who think you invented diversity. If you’re looking for the true trailblazer, you’ll need to go back… back to the 90’s. 

It was the summer of 1996. Independence Day was booming in the box office, The Craft had just been released that May, and Neve Campbell was about to be launched into an even further fame that December with Scream.

It was then, that an unsuspecting nation was introduced to the Macarena. Macarena fever hit hard. So hard in fact that even the DNC of that year was hit a Macarena outbreak.

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Since then, and this is embracing to admit…actually no it’s not, fuck all of you – I love the Macarena! It’s so damn catchy and so damn 90’s, it’s fuckin amazing.

So the other day, I was rewatching the Macarena music video (because yes, I do that. Got a problem? Call my agent!) and I was totally blown away.  I was like…

THIS WAS MADE IN THE 90s?

 

This music video is the very definition of diversity. And all of you 2019-ers should be ashamed of yourselves for not knowing about this important moment in music history.

Let’s meet our diverse cast:

 

The Singers

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The song is sung by Los Del Rio, a duo from Spain.  But look at this – How many hit music videos can you think of by men in their 50’s or 60’s dominating the charts? The Macarena directly combats agism!

 

The Brunette 

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Sure, blondes have more fun…but according to blondes! No matter what your hair color (or horrendous wardrobe choices…) all are welcomed to dance the Macarena!

 

The Indian Girl

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A study by PBS found that out of all the actors in Hollywood, only 4.2% are “Other”….yeah, that’s how disproportionate the number of Indian actors in Hollywood are. They’re categorized under “Other”, which would combine them with various Arab/Desi/Pacific Islanders/Indigenous peoples/and so forth…all to make up less than 5%.

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So the true numbers of Indian actors will never be known.  What we do know that is that being Indian in the entertainment business can’t be easy. And being a woman in any job isn’t easy, so for an Indian woman to be featured in such a high-profile music video is huge!

This Girl… 

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I don’t what she is, or what the story behind the hair, the lips, and the outfit are…but here’s how I’m taking it – It’s all about being yourself.  She is the embodiment of body positivity, dressing how you want, and not giving a fuck.  Let’s all raise a glass and have a cheers to that cotton-candy wig!

The Latina

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Rocking out a satin pantsuit. That’s right – SATIN PANTSUIT –  A pantsuit so elegant, I can only imagine it would make Diane Keaton jealous. Our Latina (or Latinx, because I’m not here to assume genders) is surely ready for her night at the club where she will cheat on her boyfriend… you know… he one who’s name is Victorino.

But don’t worry,

She didn’t want him

She couldn’t stand him

He was no good so….

The Black Girl

(Can I still say ‘black’? I don’t want to say African American, because what if she isn’t from America?)

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Regardless of whatever the PC term is, one thing is for sure, I love this girl . That 90’s outfit, that Amazing 90’s hair. Everything. Pure perfection. Also, in the music video she competes to be the lead. Going head-to-head with…

 

The Asian Girl

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That shirt. That hair. That everything.  Oh man, 90’s perfection. This image isn’t too clear, but she’s also got on purple lipstick.  Daring and bold makeup choices…. UGHHHHHH THE 90s!!!! COME BACK!!!!!

 

The White Blonde Girl

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I know, I can hear you groaning. You’re probably saying something like #OscarsSoWhite, and then I’ll be like, that Oscars hashtag is from 2015. OMG get with it!  But in reality, diversity and inclusion means everyone…even white blonde women

(at least she’s not a man…am I right, ladies?????…crickets.)

Will that fabulous feather jacket help make it better?  Fit for a hooker, I say!

 

The Mom From ‘Blackish’

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The mom from Blackish denies being in the music video (yes, this got widespread enough  to where she had to respond) But, Macarena conspiracy theorists continue to insist that it’s her. And how could you not believe Macarena conspiracy theorists??????

The Scandinavian

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Had ABBA gotten famous in the 90’s they would have looked just like our Swedish girl in the music video. Plastic pants. Plastic shirt. And a plastic winter hat.  I have a feeling this was surely the most uncomfortbale outfit in the entire music video. But pain is beauty! 

 

The Jan

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Yes, that’s right. This music video is so diverse that it even has the forgotten middle child. Jan is so forgotten that I couldn’t even find a good image of this girl.  She’s literally hidden in ever single frame!

See, look!

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Let’s try again….

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Poor Jan. We can’t all be center stage though, I suppose.  I’m sure she has a great personality and is probably very smart.  Maybe she’s a lawyer now and making more than anyone else in the music video?

 

There you have it! The most diverse music video in the world! Now, put that song, and blast it loud!!! HEY MACARENA!!!!!

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Dance on my friends! Dance on!

 

~ The Dark Horse

Anyone Else Going To Be Alone On Thanksgiving?

FUCKTHANKSGIVING

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again! The leaves are almost gone, the first hints of Christmas pepper the atmosphere with a hint of glee, the rouge cranberries can be seen in even the most forgotten of grocery store aisles. This can mean only one thing, It’s almost Thanksgiving!

And, thanks to a country with INSANE flight prices (Dear America, do you know how cheap it is to fly in Europe?) I’ll be stuck in Boston for Thanksgiving… yay. 😦

However, I’m trying to make the best of this. Obviously, when you’re a depressed person, being alone over the holidays is horrible. In fact suicide rates actually INCREASE during the holidays. So, in order to not be sad, I’m compiling a list of:

 

Why I’m grateful to not be going home this Thanksgiving: 

 

1.) My mother can’t cook anyways. Look, my mother is a saint, salt of the Earth that one…. but as a cook? … Well, I mean, let’s just say this. Thanksgiving for us always consisted of overly-dry turkey. Green beans from a can, jello-d cranberry sauce from a can, gravy from a dry-packet mix, corn from a can, bread from the store, pumpkin pie from the store, and “mashed potatoes” if you can call them that. It was basically potatoes boiled down so much that they had lost all structural integrity. It was like picking up a spoonful of flavorless foam. This Thanksgiving, perhaps I can make myself good food now?

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2.) I’m in Boston. Surely the Black Friday shopping here will be much better than it would have been in Ohio.  I mean, Walmart and Best Buy? Oh, please, let the trailer trash have their fun. I’m going to go stalk the sales at Gucci and Canada Goose. Get some real deals from real stores. PS- I literally don’t have the money to shop anyways, and I’m sure Gucci doesn’t do Black Friday deals anyways… but at least I can window shop for deals at the fanciest of places I can’t afford right? Perhaps I’ll buy a pair of socks.

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3.) Can you imagine what the airports will look like anyways? Do I really want to be crammed in a flight full TOC people? (TOC is Thanksgiving Or Christmas, they’re the people who only fly once a year at most, either for T or C. And Therefore they’re completely lost in the process; move slow, breathe through their mouths, trip, bump into walls, fart constantly, and so forth…) Then the plane will be filled with screaming babies, and people with their Panda Express smelling up the whole plane.

No thanks!

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4.) I’m literally going home for Christmas in a little over a month anyways. Sure, this will be a super lonely week, but you know what, I’m going to get to experience all the fun and joy of hectic holiday travel in one month. I CAN DO THIS! ONE MONTH.

just say it.

ONE MONTH

ONE MONTH

ONE MONTH!

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5.) Thanksgiving is deadly anyways! Have you ever heard of a movie called Thankskilling?

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Why, Thanksgiving is downright dangerous! I should be thankful I’m not able to go home and experience the atrocities that await.

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Now that’s what I call Murder Most Foul  (Rimshot please!)

 

~ The Dark Horse

SUMMER IS COMING!

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So, it’s May and summer is just around the corner!

(Well, for some lucky people around the globe, it’s always Summer…Just know, I’m jealous of you!)

But here, the trees are finally greening up. The flowers blooming. And the weather finally warming. I had my big event 2 weeks ago, and just finished my last final today!  I’M FREE!!!!!!!!!

But now I’m asking myself: what to do? 


 

I feel great, like I’ve accomplished so much this past school year…and yet, I can hear depression and anxiety knocking on my door, like the killer in some horror movie.

I can hear them whispering to me…

“You did good…but can you really top that?”

“Where do you go from here? have you ever considered THAT?”

“What if you fail the next time you try?”

“What if this all was a fluke?”

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Ah yes, depression and anxiety. Creeping around in the darks of your mind, like they’re the fuckin’ Babadook.

 

SO HERE’S WHAT I AM DOING

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I’m reminding myself that I have an internship this summer in Shanghai! I worked hard to get it, and I’m scared and excited! And yes, my depression and anxiety want to creep in yet again, and say things like:

“What if you hate it?”

“Won’t the language barrier be hard?”

“May this even be… dangerous?” 

“I mean…the world is becoming an increasingly hostile place after all….”

“And won’t it be lonely?”
“And OMG I ALMOST FORGOT! ….What if you fuck up? What if you fail? What if you’re not good enough?  Boy oh boy… you better just stay home in bed huh?”

 

But I’m a determined person. I don’t want to fail…and not only do I not want to fail, but I’m determined to achieve greatness in my life. The idea of going back to cafe jobs and retail makes me dread the future.  AND YOU KNOW WHAT BITCHES? I FUCKING REFUSE TO DREAD THE FUTURE ANY LONGER. I grew up in Ohio during the recession. All I ever had was people being like…

“get your head out of the clouds!”

“You hate your job? WE ALL HATE OUR JOBS! Just be thankful you have one.”

“There are tons of unemployed people who would love to take your place!”

“And where do you think you’ll go anywhere? There’s no jobs in this country! You’ll just run off to a big city and end up unemployed and on the streets!”

“Why can’t you just be thankful.”

“Why isn’t this life enough for you?”

“The world outside Ohio is even scarier!”

“Risks are scary! And hard! Just don’t do it!”

(I’m starting to realize where my anxiety learned all it’s lines from…)

But guess what people. I am my own person and I can choose to do what I want with my life. And if I want to have my head in the clouds my whole life, dreaming of happiness, then god dammit, I’m going to!

And for all you Ohioans out there (you know who you are)… do you know where “having my head in the clouds” has taken me?

I’ve been able to go to college in Los Angeles

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And Chicago!

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I’ve been able to live and work in Melbourne, Australia

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And Auckland, New Zealand

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It’s even given me the opportunity to be here at Harvard.

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Also, on a random note: The Real Housewives series has also seemed to follow me from LA, to Melbourne, to Auckland…it’s been weird.

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BUT ANYWAYS, YOU GET THE POINT! 

 

There will always be people out there who put you down. Whether it be that they’re jealous of you, afraid that you’re a stronger person than them, or maybe even genuinely just believe you’ll fail (but that normally spawns from one of the first two.) And unfortunately, our brains are wired socially. So when we hear that shit enough as we grow up, depression and anxiety are likely to follow. So then, not only are you fighting those around you, but you’re fighting your own internalized sense of being failure.

 

So….. let’s devise a plan:

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If negativity wants in so bad, LET IT IN. Invite negativity inside. Offer it a cocktail, an amuse-bouche with a complimentary aperitif if you will. Let that depression and anxiety get comfortable. Let all the harsh words from those who doubt you take a seat. perhaps lay out a few copies of Vogue?

“It’s the September Issue,” you can say, seeing at that is the pinnacle of Vogue’s year. “Anna lent me a copy early…she wanted my advice.”

A collection of photos from famed photograph David LaChapelle hang on the wall. This house really is the paramount of distinguished taste. Then, as everyone is enjoying the party, quietly walk outside into the cool night air.  get int your car, and…

 

boom

~ The Dark Horse

 

Save Yourself With Your Passion

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So, writing is bringing new hope and adventure my life.  For those of you who don’t know or haven’t been reading my blog (which…who is?  I don’t think I have any hardcore followers)  Anyways, as a recap, I’m currently studying Creative Writing and Literature.

And I love it.   I love making stories.  I love taking the horrible crap of my life and turning it into stories.  I love making people smile.  I love making people laugh.  I love inspiring people.

 I just fucking love it. 

 

And you know what?  I’m 27 now and I keep asking myself, WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS SOONER?  Why am I just now taking control of my life?  Why am I just now starting to feel alive?

The answer is sad, but obvious.  I never thought I was worth it. I have been put down so much in my life, and told that I’ll amount to nothing, that I ended up fucking believed it.   AND YOU KNOW WHATS EVEN WORSE???  It was this weird internalized belief.  Like I didn’t think I was worthless because people told me I was, I just deeply and truly had a sense that I was worthless.   That feeling burrowed deep within me, planting roots in the depths of everything I was (and am).

For those of you who read my last 2 posts about sex addiction, then let me say, I think that internalized feeling of worthlessness is also what led me to using sex as a form of relief.   I didn’t think I was better than a random man off Grindr.  I didn’t; think I was worth anymore that a one night stand, BECAUSE LOOK AT ME?  WHO WOULD WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS? is what I would tell myself.

 

But fuck.  Something deep within me is changing.  Harvard is changing me.   When the editor of the Harvard Review says she likes your style and wants to help you, the stone walls you’ve built up around yourself begin to crumble.  Finally, you have a voice to contradict the people of your past.

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And this blog is what started it all.  I started writing this in 2013 in Melbourne, Australia. I was suffering from panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia.  I needed to write to save myself.  And I still do it to this day.   My passion is giving me reason to live.  And I can’t believe it took me so long to see that this passion is real.  It isn’t my “head in the clouds” or “me not growing up”.  It’s a passion I have and a passion I need.  Writing is part of me, and I love it.

 

So for any of you out there struggling, do you have passions?  And if not, do you have anything you love doing but don’t know if it’s a passion?  Do you have anything you really wanted to do but are too scared to try?   Because I can tell you that working towards something real has helped me a lot.

Having sex constantly didn’t make me happy.

Listening to the world and getting a 9-5 job I hate because, and I quote, “I should just be thankful I’m not homeless” never made me happy.

Hating myself and my life everyday never made me happy.

But working towards a passion did.  

Alright, let’s end this with a good gif?  Cuz who this fuck doesn’t like a good gif right?

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vader

 

Remember:  If Vader can have fun as Disneyland, than it’s never too late for us to change out ways either!

 

~ The Dark Horse