Tag Archives: lgbt

My Sexual Assault Story


Alright, so, this is Mackinac Island.  A small resort island in the Great Lakes.  I’m going to share with everyone a story about what happened to me there.

But first let me say, this isn’t a memory I’ve thought about recently.  I was reading a book yesterday called Suicide Notes.  In the book something happens to the main character that was very similar to something that has happened to me.  He wakes up in the suicide wing of mental ward.  He is there with about 5 other teens who are in extreme mental distress.  One night, the big football jock (who never discloses the reason why he is there) named Renken comes into his room while he’s sleeping and… you know.

After reading that scene, the memory of Mackinac came flooding back into my head.

Here’s what happened:


Although it seems like a sleepy little resort island, behind the scenes is a whole different story.  When you work on the island you stay up in the middle of the island.  The part where nobody goes.  Most of the hotels put you up in “dorms” which is basically 2 old houses that have been connected together.  I was staying in one of the dorms for the hotel called The Island House during the summer of 2014.

My roommate was this kind of machismo guy who’s dad was in the military.   He didn’t go to college and he smoked and drank and did drugs like a fuckin’ crazy person.   But then again, everyone on Mackinac Island did drugs.  Drugs were everywhere.  For me, someone who doesn’t drink or do drugs, it was a horrible experience already.  The dorms were separated by gender.  There were guy dorms and girl dorms.   So you can image, a building filled with a bunch of guys between 20 and 28 who drank, fucked, and did drugs like crazy…it was kind of like living the worst frat-house nightmare imaginable.


So, one night about a month into my stay there, I’m sleeping and suddenly I start having this horrible dream.   In my dream I woke up and saw a shadowy figure standing in the room staring at me.  I remember it was making this weird kind of incoherent noise.  I felt so scared.  I remember in the dream I was saying “No…please go away….go away…please go away…”  and I felt so cold. I just remember this intense feeling of being exposed and cold and scared.

Then, I actually opened my eyes and saw that there was something in my room staring at me.  It was a person. But it was so dark I couldn’t really make out who it was.  I remember having this feeling like my stomach was in knots but at the same time it felt like my stomach was also clumped in my throat.  It was so difficult to process because I was still only half-awake.  I put the covers over me and tried hiding. I was so scared because I didn’t know what was going on, I just knew there was someone in my room.

Suddenly I could hear the sounds of someone climbing up the bunk bed and into my bed.  I was so scared I couldn’t breathe.  Then it laid down next to me.  At this point I kind of woke up a little more and was confused… If someone had come into my room to kill or rob me or something, they wouldn’t just lay down.   I took the blanket off from over my head and looked to see that it was my roommate.

I became a little less stressed knowing that I was safe and that it was just my roommate.  I figured he just got super drunk or high and had no idea where he was and came into my bed by accident.  I started to fall back asleep until suddenly he grabbed my hand and put it on his penis.  At that point I suddenly realized my roommate wasn’t wearing pants and was erect.  I quickly moved my hand away but he grabbed it again and put it back on his penis.     I moved my hand away again, and then he put his hands in my underwear and grabbed my penis.

I said, “What are you doing…dude stop”.   But then he started this weird incoherent low-level mumbling….the same that I heard from the shadowy figure in my dream before I woke up.    Suddenly I was terrified again, knowing that he must have been standing over my bed watching me as he mumbled whatever the fuck he was saying.   That must have been why I was so scared in my dream and why I felt so exposed.  My body must have known that someone was standing and watching me.

He grabbed my head and tried pushing me down to suck his dick.   I pulled away again and said, “Dude stop it, seriously.  what the hell is going on?”.    It was so weird because he kept his eyes closed.  Like he didn’t want to mentally be part of the moment.   Then the mumbling became more audible.  He was calling me “fag” and “slut” and was saying things like “Suck it you fuckin bitch”.

I was pretty much awake at this point, and I was scared.  This guy wasn’t the most stable I had ever met to begin with, plus I didn’t what kind of drugs he was on that night so I had no idea what he would be capable of doing”.  I tried playing stupid and so I did one of those koala cuddles to him, where you put your leg and your arm around the other person.  I tried doing it in an ‘Oh lets cuddle’ type way, but what I was actually doing was trying to hold his arms down so he couldn’t grab me.

He kept pushing my arms off and kept trying to push my head down to his crotch.   When he saw that wasn’t working he grabbed my penis again, and obviously it was limp because…how the fuck am I supposed to be aroused in a moment like that?   Then in his weird mumbling he said, “why aren’t you hard you fuckin fag?”.

I was now pretty pumped up with adrenaline and so I sat up and I said, “You need to get the fuck out of my bed right now”.   He tried grabbing me again but I swatted his hand away.  Then, silently, he got up and left the room.  I could hear that he walked into the bathroom which was the door next to ours and I heard him get in the shower.  I locked the bedroom door and tried to get back to sleep.


The next day when I saw him I asked what had happened last night.  He of course was like, “What do you mean?”   So I told him that I was talking about him coming into my bed.  Then he responded with something like, “Oh man I was so drunk I probably had no idea which bed was mine..”  Which you know what, I wouldn’t have cared if that was the case.  Had he been drunk and passed out in my bed I wouldn’t have cared.  But that wasn’t all that happened…

So then I said…”dude, you didn’t pass out in my bed…did you not realize that you didn’t wake up in our room this morning?”   And he was like… “Oh ya I crashed in my friends room”.    kept pushing him.  I said, “Do you know why you had to do that?”  And he was like… “No man, why?”  So I straight up told him.  I told him that he came into my bed and tried making me suck his dick.   To which he responded with, “Oh dude, I was so high I probably thought I was crawling in a girl’s bed or something….”


So then I mentioned that that doesn’t make any sense considering that he he grabbed my dick, which isn’t something you would normally do to a girl…

Then he got all quiet and was like… “well that wasn’t me man, must have been someone else…”


I knew it was him.  I wasn’t the drunk and high one in that bed.  I clearly remember who was in that bed with me and I remember what he did.

We never really spoke after that.  However, 2 days later he switched rooms.  Then he told all the guys in the dorm that the reason he left our room was because I was a fag and would stare at him when he was naked.

Furthermore, anytime I would pass him in the building or on the lawn he would always call me a fag as I walked by.  He of course was always sitting with about 5 other guys at all times so it wasn’t exactly like I could have fought him or anything.


People would say things to me like, “Oh man I don’t know what you did to him but he’s always talking about how he wants to beat you up” and “You really shouldn’t have come on to him….it’s kind of your fault”.


But you know what people, I’m gay and from Ohio.  Sadly, I know how the world treats gay people.  From experience I know that adding flame to the fire is the worst thing you can do.  Going around and telling everyone what really happened was only going to make him even more mad.  And a closeted drug addict son of a military father is not the kind of guy you want to question the sexuality of.   That would just be me asking to get beat to death one night.


So I justified it to myself.  I told myself this is just how the world treats me.  Nobody ever cared about me before, so why would they now?  I remember thinking that, after all, he was the hottest guy who has ever wanted to have sex with me…so maybe I should have been grateful?   I just did what I had to do to make it through the rest of that summer.


But now, after reading that book all these years later I’m fucking pissed.   Present-day me would have beat the shit out of him.  Present-day me would have raised the kind of hell most people could only imagine the devil himself could conjure.







I called the sexual assault hotline and spoke to a consoler on the phone last night.  I told her the story and asked if I had a right to be mad.  I was wondering if I was being a drama queen, or if I was correct in my new recognition of this event.  I told her that when I think of rape I think of some girl who gets jumped in the woods and is gang-banged or something….but this event also felt like it was so wrong.   She told me over the phone that I had every right to be angry.  She said this was a violation and that I wasn’t being a drama queen.

It felt good.  It felt really really good actually.  After having everyone tell me it was my fault the entire summer.  After having myself believe that it wasn’t a big deal and that it’s just something you have to go through as a gay person… it just felt amazing for someone to actually sit there and say, NO.  BE MAD.  You’re allowed to be mad.   There was such relief and such power in it.

So to anyone out there who has had something bad happen to them, BE MAD.  YOU ARE ALLOWED.  I don’t care if it was sexual assault, physical violence, emotional abuse, or anything else.  If someone has treated you like you’re sub-human, you can be mad.  It is your right to be mad.

And if anyone is dealing with a similar issue, please call a sexual assault hotline and just talk about it.  The woman who spoke to me was insanely nice.  They don’t judge or get mad at you.  You are free to talk about anything you want.

And furthermore if anyone is hurting for any reason remember that there are crisis lines all across the world.

Below is a link to all the crisis lines across the globe ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS talk about it with people.  It helps so much:



I sincerely thank you for reading this post,

~ The Dark Horse

… sorry it wasn’t proofread well


Hope. Its What We Have To Have




So in the wake of Orlando I think its time to talk about hope.  As a gay guy from America I have to say this weekend killed me a little inside.    Not only was there a horrific attack against the LGBT community but now everyone and their fucking mother are trying to pretend like this had nothing to do with the gay community.

Dear straight religious people, at some point you’ll have to accept this was a product of the culture you’ve created and enforced.    Do you know what its called when there is a hate crime…. hate crime? hahaha…. this was actually a fucking massacre…. but anyways:

Do you know what its called when a hate crime is committed and everyone turns a blind eye?  Thats called OPPRESSION you cunts.

Was this man crazy?  Yes.  

And did he have access to guns because America is an insane shithole with flimsy laws?  Yes.

But would this attack have happened if this man was raised in a culture that didn’t teach him to hate gays?… Well now, there’s a question for you….



But enough about those cunts who are downplaying what just happened this post isn’t for them.  This post is about what to do now.



This is one of those instances that was about death.  We suffered and mourned the loss of 49 lives.  But after mourning comes an intense desire to live.

And thats exactly what I have.  I have a big fork in the road coming up in my life and dammit I want to make the most of it.


I want to live.  I want to really really live. I want to find love, adventure, friendship, joy, humor, and excitement! I want to make an impact on this world!  I want to finally stop being dragged through life and finally start actually living.  Because unfortunately, with the world we live in, you never know when you may be dancing at a club when all of the sudden you and everyone around are on the floor bleeding to death.  


Need some inspiration?   Ok well look at this:


This is Hawaii 


This is an actual castle in Germany


This is a real beach in Thailand 

Why are we looking at these?  Well because over the weekend we saw what horror, bloodshed, and hate looked like.   What we to remember is that there is still so much beauty in the world.   Life still holds meaning, joy, and love.   Adventure is still out there, its just waiting to be found.

Take all the pain and hurt from this weekend and lets mold it from mourning, into passion.    Remember to live life to the fullest.   To embrace every single moment because you never know when it may be your last.

Tonight before you go to bed, hug your mom.   Or your flatmate…  or fuck, hug your dog.   They love being hugged!   Just show someone you care.   Embrace and feel the love!


~ The Dark Horse

(I would have proofread this, but I was too busy looking at this picture of how amazing the world really is)

Trying To Find Love When You’re Gay (Or,It’s Basically Gay Thunderdome)


So hopefully there are some gays out there, and potentially some eternally-single straight people who will get this.   Im 26, and have never been in love or even been on a date.

That fucking sucks right?

Im left wondering a lot if I will ever find love or happiness.   If I will click with people.  If I will ever feel comfortable and loved, but there seems to be a massive problem in the gay community:

They all suck.   So, in my experience there a few gay archetypes…none of which are good.  lets explore them a little.

First, you have your Queens.


Now, in small doses the queen types are great.  They’re sarcastic, they’re funny, they’re like a walking soap opera.  However, walking soap operas are nothing you want long term in your life; In Dating or friendship. They’re just bad news filled with shallowness, pettiness, and desperation.  Unfortunately a lot of them are stuck in that character.   Here’s an example, you know the comedian Amy Schumer?   She is really funny on a Roast because its like a 10 minute go.  But Then you see her in Trainwreck, and watch her interviews on talk shows and you’re like….this girl isn’t capable of conversation.   All she knows how to do is one-liners, sassy commentary, and awkward expressions.   She’s so lost in her character that I don’t think you could hold a real conversation with her.   Queen types are like that.

Next we have our Gay Bro’s




Truly, the most annoying of all the gays.   These are the gays who look and act like straight guys and HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD ALL THE TIME…and they are unfortunately, usually extremely attractive.

They just love to stand on their soapbox and use terms like “Straight acting” and “non fem”.  They also love to let everyone know all the time that, even though they’re gay they’re just one of the boys.

For example, if you’re asking someone to hang out, the conversation would be like:

You: Hey want to hangout today?

Them: Sure, what would you like to do?

However, while asking a gay bro this is how it normally goes:

You: Hey want to hangout today?

Gay Bro:  naw man, I’m not really into gay bars.  Im gay, but I’m still a guy”

You: …I never said anything about a gay bar…. In fact I don’t really like going to them

Gay Bro: Oh sorry you know how gays are.

You:  …Ok, so what do you do for fun

Gay Bro:  Oh you know, love the outdoors, camping with my buds, all my friends are straight….

You:  I have no idea why you feel the need to verbally explain to me how detached from the gay community you are…I truly don’t care.

So listen up gay bro’s.   Go fuck yourself. Get over yourself, and go home.  You’re need to tell everyone what a guy you are shows you have massive insecurity issues and thats extremely unattractive.

moving on to…

The Classic Closeted Douche 




Ah yes, here is someone to really invest time and energy into.   So there a few likely causes of one of these funny little critters:

1.)  Poor trailer-trash or ghetto.   In general, the lower you sit on the economic scale, the more homophobic you are.  There are many theories as to why this is:  Lack of education, increased dependency on religion, increased dependency on old-world masculinity norms, greater fear of the unknown, and so on and so forth.   So, obviously those growing up in these situations will most likely be in the closet.  However, in general you’ll never deal with these people because they’re the types who only express their homosexuality by posting on Craigslist or going to gay saunas.

2.) A type you will likely interact with at some point is your classic spoiled rich Republican trust fund baby.  Ah yes.   Mumsies and Pops are probably living in an affluent suburb and are just dying for their son to become a lawyer or have a political career. Most likely to find this one on grindr with a profile looking like:



3.)  Then comes the religious closet cases.   Ive lived in Australia and currently live in New Zealand.  There aren’t many here.  But where back in States where I’m from they’re all over.    Mom and Dad are devout to their Christian heritage and are just dying to make it into heaven!  ….But how can they go to heaven when they’ve produced a devil-spawn gay baby????   Naturally this gay will be in the closet well into his 30’s when he finally breaks away from the grasp of his over-controlling family.   Arab and Indian gays will be very similar as their cultures are very strict and old-world.

For closeted guys, I can’t judge.  They are obviously going through a very hard and scary life.  However for us who aren’t in the closet they’re not wise investments because they’re just gonna be too ashamed or afraid to be seen with you.  You’ll just be a fuck they have one night before they run back into the closet desperate to hide in the shadows.


Finally, We have our Sluts


So congrats.  you’ve made it through the closeted guys, the queens, and the self-obsessed gay bros.   But unfortunately there is one HUGE hurdle left.   The fact that most gay men don’t want anything besides sex.  You’ll meet up, have one amazing night, and then they will never talk to you again.

Am I the only one who sees people in their 30’s and 40’s on Grindr and just go….. fuck I hope that isn’t me at that age.

Where is the class?  The dignity?  The romance?   Where is there anything besides sex?


There is a really popular gay show called Queer as Folk, and I remember the very opening of the first episode the main character is doing an opening voice-over and says something like, “Im gonna be real here… this is all about sex…because lets admit it, thats all its ever about.  Its just about sex”.

and i was like…I hate this show already.



So there you have it.   Why is the gay community a mess?   Does anyone have any insights?  Comments?  Questions?  Anything?  because I don’t feel like I’m part of the gay world.  It seems so different from me and from what I want in life.

Why am I like this:




But everyone else is like this:



~ The Dark Horse