Tag Archives: lonely

Anyone Else Going To Be Alone On Thanksgiving?

FUCKTHANKSGIVING

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again! The leaves are almost gone, the first hints of Christmas pepper the atmosphere with a hint of glee, the rouge cranberries can be seen in even the most forgotten of grocery store aisles. This can mean only one thing, It’s almost Thanksgiving!

And, thanks to a country with INSANE flight prices (Dear America, do you know how cheap it is to fly in Europe?) I’ll be stuck in Boston for Thanksgiving… yay. ūüė¶

However, I’m trying to make the best of this. Obviously, when you’re a depressed person, being alone over the holidays is horrible. In fact suicide rates actually INCREASE during the holidays. So, in order to not be sad, I’m compiling a list of:

 

Why I’m grateful to not be going home this Thanksgiving:¬†

 

1.) My mother can’t cook anyways. Look, my mother is a saint, salt of the Earth that one…. but as a cook? … Well, I mean, let’s just say this. Thanksgiving for us always consisted of overly-dry turkey. Green beans from a can, jello-d cranberry sauce from a can, gravy from a dry-packet mix, corn from a can, bread from the store, pumpkin pie from the store, and “mashed potatoes” if you can call them that. It was basically potatoes boiled down so much that they had lost all structural integrity. It was like picking up a spoonful of flavorless foam. This Thanksgiving, perhaps I can make myself good food now?

turkey

 

 

2.) I’m in Boston. Surely the Black Friday shopping here will be much better than it would have been in Ohio. ¬†I mean, Walmart and Best Buy? Oh, please, let the trailer trash have their fun. I’m going to go stalk the sales at Gucci and Canada Goose. Get some real deals from real stores. PS- I literally don’t have the money to shop anyways, and I’m sure Gucci doesn’t do Black Friday deals anyways… but at least I can window shop for deals at the fanciest of places I can’t afford right?¬†Perhaps I’ll buy a pair of socks.

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3.) Can you imagine what the airports will look like anyways? Do I really want to be crammed in a flight full TOC people? (TOC is Thanksgiving Or Christmas, they’re the people who only fly once a year at most, either for T or C. And Therefore they’re completely lost in the process; move slow, breathe through their mouths, trip, bump into walls, fart constantly, and so forth…) Then the plane will be filled with¬†screaming babies, and people with their Panda Express smelling up the whole plane.

No thanks!

flight

 

4.) I’m literally going home for Christmas in a little over a month anyways.¬†Sure, this will be a super lonely week, but you know what, I’m going to get to experience all the fun and joy of hectic holiday travel in one month. I CAN DO THIS! ONE MONTH.

just say it.

ONE MONTH

ONE MONTH

ONE MONTH!

HomeAloneAirport

 

 

5.) Thanksgiving is deadly anyways! Have you ever heard of a movie called Thankskilling?

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Why, Thanksgiving is downright dangerous! I should be thankful I’m not able to go home and experience the atrocities that await.

killing1

 

Now that’s what I call Murder Most Foul ¬†(Rimshot please!)

 

~ The Dark Horse

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KANT’S RULES OF HAPPINESS

KANT'S RULES FORHAPPINESS

 

So, I came across this quote the other day,¬† and I’ll admit, it’s sad that I just found this because I was literally in a philosophy class last semester and we talked about Kant!¬† Not to mention the fact that I’ve been blogging about depression and my lonely life for 4 fucking years now.

Anyhoo, so Kant has famously said:

Rules for happiness_ something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.

Have you all heard this before?¬† Because seriously, this is like life changing for me… and yet I’m worried that this quote may be common knowledge for pretty much everyone but me.

 

Anyways, let’s dive into this shit.

 

1.) SOMETHING TO DO

 

For a very, very long time, I lacked this. I mean, even to this very day I’m still pretty weak in this department (But I’m making progress). But I completely agree that this is so true.¬† When you’re doing things that you hate and that bore you, how the fuck are you supposed to be happy?¬†

For example, I’ve spent so many fucking years working in restaurants and in retail. I was bored.¬† In fact, I was bored to death.¬† I was so bored that I was horribly depressed, and would break out into panic attacks just thinking about how meaningless my life was.

What made it even worse is that I would try to reach out to people.¬† I’d try to be like, “I’m so unhappy, I know I can do more with my life…I’m meant for more than this.”

and that was always met with:

“In this economy you should just be thankful you have a job…”

or

“Oh well you know, everyone gets bored with everything they do eventually…”

or

“What other kind of job do you think you could even get???”

 

It’s sad that people don’t try and life you up, they just try and keep you down at their level.¬† The lesson here is that if you’re doing something and you feel like your stuck and bored and miserable, then switch it up!¬† Get out of that place!¬† (Granted this is something that can take time…but don’t let that deter you from doing it!)

 

 

2.) SOMEONE TO LOVE

 

I think it’s pretty obvious that this doesn’t just mean love in a romantic sense.¬† I think this is more about having people in your life.¬† Friends, family, and romance.

I’ve talked about this with a lot of people.¬† I never had anyone there for me growing up, and it totally killed me inside.¬† Living in social isolation is absolute hell.¬† And what’s even worse is when bad things happen to you.¬† In general, most people get through the bad times by being surrounded by those who care about them.¬† They use the shoulders around them to cry on.

And when you don’t have any shoulders around…when it’s just you vs. the universe, the world is a horribly crushing place.

Having people in your life…people who actually care… is life changing.

In fact, something pretty amazing happened the other night.¬† I’ve started to make some friends here at Harvard.¬† We met through a board game club on campus.¬† And last month it was brought up that when Star Wars came out, we should all go see it.

SW

And sure enough, on Thursday, opening night for The Last Jedi, we all went and saw it.¬† I was standing in the T, with seven of my friends around me… I looked around and I thought to myself… “Wow, this is the first time in my entire life that I’ve ever gone somewhere with a group of people!”¬†

I don’t want to sound stupid, but it was a completely profound experience. I, at 27 years old, had finally done something that I’ve always wanted to do ever since I was a kid.¬† I was hanging out with a group of friends.

We did all the things that people with social lives do.¬† We were all texting each other about where to meet and stuff, we all sat in a group at the movies, and we even had an issue where the car broke down, so we had to flag someone down to jump the car at 1am… look at that, a night complete with wacky surprises!¬† This may seem like normal stuff you guys, but for me, this was a totally new experience. It’s crazy how something that seems so meaningless to most people can be so moving to others.

I actually really like how Star Wars has a way of bringing people together.¬† It’s almost like it’s mankind’s favorite story.¬† It teaches us to be better people and to never give up.

 

3.) SOMETHING TO HOPE FOR

So, I see this as also meaning something to look forward.  Something that makes you want to keep living.  Something that makes you believe fun and happiness is on the horizon.  That something will better your life. 

And… hmmmm… this is becoming a Star Wars post now.¬† Because you know, Star Wars is all about HOPE.¬†The entire plot-line of Star Wars is the hope that good will overcome darkness.¬† That is the rebellion.

And I don’t know if any of you have read some of my earlier posts throughout the years, but there have been times when I literally have had no hope.¬† There have been times where I was just wishing that I’d die through the night so I wouldn’t have to go on living another day.

But now…things are different.¬† Since starting at Harvard, it’s like my life has turned around.¬† I have internships now… I have a sense that I will actually make something of myself… I think I could become a good writer at some point… and I even have friends now (wtf right?¬† How did all this happen?)

Well…I needed hope.¬† I needed hope that my life could become better.¬† I needed hope that things weren’t over yet.¬† I needed to believe that I could do it.

And now, that small sliver of hope, that small flame in the eternal darkness… It’s lead to more hope.¬† And now, hopefully this post is bringing about more hope.¬† Because like Kant says, we all need hope.

 

 

So, what does this mean?¬† …. good question.¬† This post was not put together well at all.¬† My writing professors would be annoyed, but you know what fuck them.¬† This isn’t being written for a class, this is being written for catharsis.

But here’s what I can say for you.¬† If you have people who are bringing you down, well then, you gosta’ slap a bitch.

slap

 

Cuz you got this.¬† You can do it.¬† Yes, this world can be unfair, and sure, some of may be missing some or all of Kant’s 3 sources to happiness, but this is the only life we have.¬† And so we gotta rock shit out.

Go for it.

Never give up.

And may the force be with you.

lightspeed

 

 

Light speed bitches!

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

Depression, The Hidden Killer

1

So I’m back in hometown for a few months…. ugh the raging shithole only gets worse I tell ya.

 

Right now my hometown is going through a really fun heroin epidemic that is caused from people becoming addicted to opiates and then needing a stronger and stronger high. ¬†What is happening is that they’re turning to heroin in desperation for bigger highs and then theyre have overdoses and dying.

good times.

 

So now myBut ¬†hometown is having this massive campaign of like, “end the stigma of heroin recovery”. ¬† “Go find help, people are there for you”. ¬† ¬† “Here are heroin recovery stories” and all this stuff…. which look, is great. ¬†I mean if you’re on heroin please get help. ¬†Like seriously, you’re destroying yourself and most likely everyone around you.

2

 

But at the same time I also can’t help but kind of be massively annoyed. ¬† ¬†My hometown is very conservative. ¬† Its a shithole in Ohio. ¬†Most people are republican and the ones who are democrats aren’t actually that liberal. ¬†They’re Ohio-level liberal which is still pathetically moderate.

So where am I going with all this?  Why am i rambling?

 

Well it just boggles my mind how growing up here I was always like, Hey I’m gay and getting beat up all the time for it. ¬†My teachers watch and do nothing. ¬†I really want to make movies and go write books to inspire people to be better. ¬†To help people who are in a situation like mine. ¬†I just really need someone to be there for me. I just need a friend. ¬†A mentor. ¬† Anyone who can see how much pain Im in all the time. ¬† Anyone to make the constant harassment and loneliness end.

And I was just met with, ¬†“Well its your own fault”. ¬†“Stop drawing attention to yourself”. ¬†“You chose to be gay, stop lying, God hates you”. ¬†“You have no talent”. ¬† “Nobody Likes you”. ¬† “you’re not worth it”.

 

But apparently if you’re a heroin addict then my hometown will be there for you. ¬† Stories in the paper about hope. ¬†About not being ashamed to ask for help. ¬† Free helplines to get immediate help. ¬† Stories about asking your family for forgiveness and help.

How is heroin addiction this puffy inspirational story that seems like it was written by the Susan G. Koman foundation? ¬† And yet if you’re actually struggling and begging for help you don’t get it?

3

 

This is why depression becomes a cycle. ¬† A vicious horrible cycle. ¬† And I have a feeling you all know this cycle as well. ¬† We know what its like for people to not care about us. ¬†We know the story. ¬†You ask for help and you’re told things like, “Oh its just a bad day, grow up”. ¬†Or, “You’re a drama queen”, or whatever excuse the normal human uses to dismiss your problems. ¬† So we adapt. ¬†We stop telling people how horrible we feel. ¬†We stop sharing our feelings.

WE STOP TRUSTING OTHERS

 

Then we go internal. ¬† We are the sole responsibility of our misery and pain because everyone else has made in painfully clear that they don’t want to deal with it.

4

 

Then people with depression have high rates of abuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, sex and gambling addiction, and even worse, suicide.

 

So dear world:

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE IN NEED OF HELP THAT PERHAPS WE WOULDN’T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS OF PEOPLE DYING OF HEROIN?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T TURN TO ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE PAIN AND THEN RAM INTO ANOTHER CAR WHILE SPEEDING HOME?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND TELL THEMSELVES THAT THIS IS THE DAY THEY CHOOSE TO DIE?

 

Hey, here is a side note to the common human, HAVE YOU EVER EVEN IMAGINED WHAT IT MAY BE LIKE TO ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOURE SO MISERABLE? 

 

So look people there is hope.  All major countries have lifeline and depression hotlines.

Here is a list of lifelines throughout the world  USE THEM!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

 

Don’t let yourself go. ¬†Self harm of any kind isn’t worth it. ¬†I know you’re feeling like people don’t care. ¬†But allowing yourself to die because the commoner doesn’t care about you is terrible…. I mean come on… normal people suck. ¬†They are so Plain Jane. ¬† Don’t let their words effect you. ¬†YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM, I KNOW YOU ARE

We Can All Make Friends And Find Love (And I Can Give You Proof)

trash1

So when I get really depressed I start feeling like I’ll never find happiness. Like i’ll never find my group or find love. ¬† Like life will always be shit…. but then I think about the facts:

Even shitty people somehow find companions throughout life… so surely so can I!¬†

 

Take this pile of trash for example. ¬†Ok I will admit I’m not too knowledgable about the Kardashians but here’s my best shot

Top left we have….. I have no idea. ¬†A random Sister.

Below her we have Kim Kardashian.  She got famous for making a sex tape, being married for 3 days, and now being married to Kanye West (I think I could safely say she is one of the worlds most annoying humans and is probably personally responsible for the downfall of our culture).

In the middle there we have Kris Jenner who got famous for being married to some famous lawyer in the OJ Simpson case. ¬†Then she married random olympic guy from the 80’s Bruce Jenner (who has sense made a small transition you may be aware of)….and now she’s just like a really trashy mom.

Below her is I believe Chloe Kardashian? ¬†And she’s really famous for Snapchat and Instagram?

I don’t know the other two. ¬†I know there another sister named Courtney but with a K?

trash2

 

The point is, look:   This is probably one of the trashiest, most shameless, pathetic, celebrity-obsessed families in existence and look!!!!!! PEOPLE LOVE THEM! 

If Whats-her-name Kardashian can get like 19 million follows on Instagram or whatever surely I can find 5 good friends in life.

And really how many more do we need? ¬† I would love it if I could just find one great group of friends, and maybe fall in love….get swept off my feet…. that would be nice right?

And in reality that means all I have to do is find 6 people in a world of something like 7.6 billion or so?  (Fact check needed for that number)

trash4

No bitch, but Im sure your entire family is.

Who even is that one? I swear to God they just throw random Kardashian-look-alikes on screen and pawn it off thats its just one family, like how they used to swap the Olsen twins out on Full House.

trash5

Seriously… they’re convicted felons. ¬† ¬†We got this bitches. ¬† Seriously, if they can get people in their lives, then so can we dammit!

 

So what do we do to get out of our funks and find friends?

~Well Ive started doing bar trivia with a Meetup group and I think its actually really fun!   I recommend trying that site! 

~ Tinder anyone? ¬† ¬† Look….I know its shallow and disgusting but the fact is our generation has become straight up retarded. ¬†They literally don’t know how to interact with strangers in public anymore.

Woman will assume all men are preying on them, and will assume all other women are bitches.

Men will assume all girls are trashy sluts and are looking to be used, and other men are competition.

We sadly live in a world where to meet new people it seems like it has to be done online.

~ Try joining a sports team? ¬†(ugh…. I hate that one because literally EVERYONE tells you “Oh join a sports team” when you tell them you have no friends…. I’m like BITCH LISTEN I grew up as the gay kid in Ohio….. I assure the Football jocks were the ones beating me up and therefore I don’t really have a desire to play fucking sports)

But hey…. if you’re into sports go for it why not?

~ Make friends at your work break-room? 

~ If you’re in school join clubs! ¬† talk to classmates! ¬† Force yourself into your roommates plans! ¬†I will assure you that peoples willingness to talk to strangers drops by like 99% when school ends so therefore you are in the best possible place to make new friends!¬†

 

 

Feeling down? ¬†just remember…..

trash6

 

This bitch somehow managed to get a TV show, make millions, get married, have kids, and gain one of the largest celebrity followings in history. 

If she can do that we can literally do anything.

~The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Near People Helps With Depression

sit

So, its a well known fact being around other people can really help with depression….however, it also seems to be a fact that so many of us fail to realize. ¬†Perhaps its because when were feeling down all we want to do is just lie under the covers. ¬†Or we don’t want to have to pretend to be happy around others. ¬†Or maybe its even just that in our depressive lows we feel so disconnected from other humans that we ourselves don’t even feel human.

I put this to the test tonight (right now in fact) and I have to admit, it works.

So my day started out pretty well. I went to the gym this morning and then met my friend in the city for lunch. ¬† What was supposed to be me and my friend hanging for the day turned into just an hour for lunch and then he went home because he was hungover. ¬† So there I was, its 3pm and I’m bored with nothing to do for the rest of the day.

So I wandered around the city for another hour.

Then I come home and I cook a really intensive dinner (because what else do I have to do?)

Then I started watching a movie….

sit1

But then about 40 minutes into the movie I got restless. ¬†I’m home alone watching a movie when everyone else is out having a fun night.

So I make some tea and wander around the apartment. ¬†Clean a bit. ¬† Do some dishes. ¬†Hate my life…..think about how lonely I am…. start the dishwasher…. dread the idea of my life being like this forever…wipe the counter…. endlessly wonder why I have to be so different from everyone else….

 

Then before I know it, Im in my bed with the lights turned off and the door closed at 8pm.

FUN FUCKING TIMES, LET ME TELL YOU

My flatmate comes home and turns on all the lights in the living room and turns on the TV and I can tell he’s watching Transformers. ¬† ¬†So my initial thought is, “Well this is fucking great now my apartment is noisy and bright, God fucking damn everything!”

sit3

**This is an accurate representation of my face when he came home**

But then I sat there and was like… wait a second??? Didn’t I want this all along? ¬†To not be alone? ¬† ¬†To not be stuck by myself?

So I decided I was going to muster the energy to just sit in the living room. ¬†Wasn’t going to start a conversation, or anything. ¬† Just sit and whip out my computer and just be in the presence of life.

And it worked!

Im writing this to you feeling much better. ¬†We’ve talked a little, but he’s on his iPad, I’m writing this, and the TV is on. ¬†Its just nice to know you’re not stuck alone. ¬† To have some kind of other aura there to feel. ¬†To not feel destitute and not feel so isolated.

Right now were chatting about the movie Galaxy Quest.

sit5

 

If you’ve never seen it I totally recommend a watch!

 

Ok well thats it for tonight! ¬†No big life lesson or ground-shaking revelations… just a friendly reminder to keep yourself social and active. ¬†Its the key to killing off depression!

 

~ The Dark Horse

Cinderella said to Snow White “How does love get so off course”: Or, Don’t Let Fuckers Walk All Over You

never6

Alright people, lets get one thing straight here. ¬† Your very owFo n Dark Horse is a very lonely desperate person. ¬† But, I am not pathetic. ¬† I will not let people walk all over me, and recently I had to drop a friend I had made here because well…. he wasn’t a fucking friend. ¬†He was in short…a cunt.

For anyone out there who doesn’t read my blog on a regular basis… (which lets be real is probably almost everyone reading this) I have recently met a backpacker and we have become very close friends. Closer than I’ve ever been with anyone in my entire life. ¬†Im finally learning what a real friend looks like.

And what this is also is proving to me that I’ve been right that the friendships I’ve tried in the past and have dropped because everything just felt wrong was….well…. actually wrong. ¬†And I was right.

So, there is this “friend” I had made here. ¬†A cocky, but very attractive asshole. ¬† I was his friend because I was enamored by his popularity. ¬†His looks. ¬†His ability to make other guys just fall into his lap at every turn.

However, I also had to deal with having a friend who didn’t give a fuck about anything to anyone but himself. ¬†A friend who lived the life of pretty people… gay bars every night, cocaine, sex, cigarettes, alcohol, MDMA, ecstasy, and the desire to post it all to social media to impress his adoring fans.

 

And this is how I felt the entire time….

fuck

 

For me, it was always a struggle. ¬†I don’t drink or do drugs. ¬†I value deep friendships, not ones that are only made based on someone’s physical appearance and if they’ll put out or not.

I never felt comfortable and I always felt like I could be dropped at any time.

I confronted him about this and of course he acted like he didn’t care. ¬†So I decided to stand up for myself and get real:

fuck2

 

 

I kindly let him know that I didn’t feel like he was my real friend and that he never would be. ¬†So I told him I’d keep hanging out with him because I had nobody else, but the second I found a real friend I’d stop talking to him so he wouldn’t have to deal with me much longer.

Believe me….. this pissed him off and the bitchy little 12 year old girl who lived inside him (the one I always knew was inside) finally came out and threw a little hissy fit.

I refused to take back anything I said and I let him know that I was going to go and never contact him again, but if he ever got bored he was more than welcome to message me….as long as he understood that I was only going to be his friend until I made other better friends.

 

Long story short, we haven’t talked since and DAMN IT FEELS GOOD¬†

Listen up people, Im a wild and untamed thing!  WE ALL ARE!!!!!

fuck3

 

Anyone reading this blog. ¬†Most likely you’re reading it because you’re going through something and trust me, whatever you’re struggling with is making you a stronger and better person. ¬† So don’t let little cunts bring you down. ¬† The commoner will most likely never understand or get us. ¬† So lets stop wasting our time trying to fit in with them.

 

Lets embrace our differences and enjoy the ride that life is taking us down.  LETS LET OUR TRUE COLORS SHOW!!!!!!

fuck4

 

Believe in me and ill believe in you.  Believe in yourself and ill believe in myself.  lets all just believe in each other!  Were in together people!

 

like a wise mad scientist once said,

Don’t Dream It, Be It.

~ The Dark Horse

This was sooooooooo not proofread.