Tag Archives: love

Trying To Find Love When You’re Gay (Or,It’s Basically Gay Thunderdome)


So hopefully there are some gays out there, and potentially some eternally-single straight people who will get this.   Im 26, and have never been in love or even been on a date.

That fucking sucks right?

Im left wondering a lot if I will ever find love or happiness.   If I will click with people.  If I will ever feel comfortable and loved, but there seems to be a massive problem in the gay community:

They all suck.   So, in my experience there a few gay archetypes…none of which are good.  lets explore them a little.

First, you have your Queens.


Now, in small doses the queen types are great.  They’re sarcastic, they’re funny, they’re like a walking soap opera.  However, walking soap operas are nothing you want long term in your life; In Dating or friendship. They’re just bad news filled with shallowness, pettiness, and desperation.  Unfortunately a lot of them are stuck in that character.   Here’s an example, you know the comedian Amy Schumer?   She is really funny on a Roast because its like a 10 minute go.  But Then you see her in Trainwreck, and watch her interviews on talk shows and you’re like….this girl isn’t capable of conversation.   All she knows how to do is one-liners, sassy commentary, and awkward expressions.   She’s so lost in her character that I don’t think you could hold a real conversation with her.   Queen types are like that.

Next we have our Gay Bro’s




Truly, the most annoying of all the gays.   These are the gays who look and act like straight guys and HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD ALL THE TIME…and they are unfortunately, usually extremely attractive.

They just love to stand on their soapbox and use terms like “Straight acting” and “non fem”.  They also love to let everyone know all the time that, even though they’re gay they’re just one of the boys.

For example, if you’re asking someone to hang out, the conversation would be like:

You: Hey want to hangout today?

Them: Sure, what would you like to do?

However, while asking a gay bro this is how it normally goes:

You: Hey want to hangout today?

Gay Bro:  naw man, I’m not really into gay bars.  Im gay, but I’m still a guy”

You: …I never said anything about a gay bar…. In fact I don’t really like going to them

Gay Bro: Oh sorry you know how gays are.

You:  …Ok, so what do you do for fun

Gay Bro:  Oh you know, love the outdoors, camping with my buds, all my friends are straight….

You:  I have no idea why you feel the need to verbally explain to me how detached from the gay community you are…I truly don’t care.

So listen up gay bro’s.   Go fuck yourself. Get over yourself, and go home.  You’re need to tell everyone what a guy you are shows you have massive insecurity issues and thats extremely unattractive.

moving on to…

The Classic Closeted Douche 




Ah yes, here is someone to really invest time and energy into.   So there a few likely causes of one of these funny little critters:

1.)  Poor trailer-trash or ghetto.   In general, the lower you sit on the economic scale, the more homophobic you are.  There are many theories as to why this is:  Lack of education, increased dependency on religion, increased dependency on old-world masculinity norms, greater fear of the unknown, and so on and so forth.   So, obviously those growing up in these situations will most likely be in the closet.  However, in general you’ll never deal with these people because they’re the types who only express their homosexuality by posting on Craigslist or going to gay saunas.

2.) A type you will likely interact with at some point is your classic spoiled rich Republican trust fund baby.  Ah yes.   Mumsies and Pops are probably living in an affluent suburb and are just dying for their son to become a lawyer or have a political career. Most likely to find this one on grindr with a profile looking like:



3.)  Then comes the religious closet cases.   Ive lived in Australia and currently live in New Zealand.  There aren’t many here.  But where back in States where I’m from they’re all over.    Mom and Dad are devout to their Christian heritage and are just dying to make it into heaven!  ….But how can they go to heaven when they’ve produced a devil-spawn gay baby????   Naturally this gay will be in the closet well into his 30’s when he finally breaks away from the grasp of his over-controlling family.   Arab and Indian gays will be very similar as their cultures are very strict and old-world.

For closeted guys, I can’t judge.  They are obviously going through a very hard and scary life.  However for us who aren’t in the closet they’re not wise investments because they’re just gonna be too ashamed or afraid to be seen with you.  You’ll just be a fuck they have one night before they run back into the closet desperate to hide in the shadows.


Finally, We have our Sluts


So congrats.  you’ve made it through the closeted guys, the queens, and the self-obsessed gay bros.   But unfortunately there is one HUGE hurdle left.   The fact that most gay men don’t want anything besides sex.  You’ll meet up, have one amazing night, and then they will never talk to you again.

Am I the only one who sees people in their 30’s and 40’s on Grindr and just go….. fuck I hope that isn’t me at that age.

Where is the class?  The dignity?  The romance?   Where is there anything besides sex?


There is a really popular gay show called Queer as Folk, and I remember the very opening of the first episode the main character is doing an opening voice-over and says something like, “Im gonna be real here… this is all about sex…because lets admit it, thats all its ever about.  Its just about sex”.

and i was like…I hate this show already.



So there you have it.   Why is the gay community a mess?   Does anyone have any insights?  Comments?  Questions?  Anything?  because I don’t feel like I’m part of the gay world.  It seems so different from me and from what I want in life.

Why am I like this:




But everyone else is like this:



~ The Dark Horse







Setting Up For The Next Journey


So, enough moping around.  Enough being tired.   Enough of all the bullshit.   I mentioned about a month ago that the cafe I was working at here in Australia was going bust and so i was losing  my job, and I it did and I did.   

It then put me in a really shitty place here in Australia.  My visa was to expire in 2 months and I had no job.  And obviously with a visa expiring so soon, nobody wanted to hire me.  

So, i started applying for jobs in America.   I have learned too much this past year.  The depression, anxiety, panic, loneliness, and desperation.   A victim no more I say! 

So I’ve been applying for fun jobs.  Exciting jobs.  Jobs where I could make great friends, be somewhere beautiful, and have an exciting life!  So this past week I have been SLAVING AWAY 

And I mean seriously slaving away.  I have been job hunting for about 6 hours a day everyday, NON STOP.   Applying for jobs I would love.  Resorts, airlines, conservation work, and non profits.

The hard work has paid off.

I have a phone interviewing a few days for a job at a resort on Mackinac Island.  

Mackinac Island

So a little rundown on Mackinac.  It is a small island located between mainland Michigan and Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.  There are only a very few numbers of cars on this island because they want to keep it pristine, so you bike everywhere or take a horseback carriage.   Pine trees and rock bays make up the core of the beautiful island, and its secluded, but not too secluded.

This would be amazing because first of all, food and lodging is provided.  Lodging is dorm style, so hopefully I could make some really good friends while I’m there, and on top of that I can just bank up all of my pay to use for my next adventure.


WHY ITS AWESOME:  Quaint island living, fall foliage, great food, and Mackinac is known for its famous fudge and taffy.

In a few days I also have a Skype interview for a country club down in the Smokey Mountains.


This will be kind of a polar opposite from Mackinac, but at the same time, very similar.

Instead of the “island life”, I would be heading to heart of North Carolina and working up in the hills of the Smokey Mountains.  The living would be the same.  Room and board provided dormitory style, and that hopefully means good memories to be made with some new friends.

As well, I may be working in a restaurant there which means tips from VERY wealthy Southerners. So I potentially could leave with some serious bank in my pocket! 

A creek runs through fall leaves and autumn colors in Smoky Mountains National Park.

Why Its awesome:  Rolling hills, babbling creeks, fall colors, and hopefully some awesome Bluegrass? 


So, Im trying to be proactive with my life now and make it what I want it to be.  I hope all of you reading are doing the same, and if not, try to start now!  It can’t hurt anymore than a life you already hate can it? 


~ The Dark Horse 

A Lighthouse On An Island


So the other night I had this dream.   I don’t know why I haven’t been posting lately.  I really need to get back on top of this.  Ive just been very busy job hunting and figuring out what is to come next.

So the dream:

So I’m living in this lighthouse with like 5 other people.  But this lighthouse is on this island and there is nothing else.  You open the door to the lighthouse and it just opens up to water.   And we are in the middle of the ocean.  No land in sight in any direction.   I was so bored.  So lonely.  I felt so isolated and alone and vulnerable.   No way out.  Nowhere to go.  Just open deadly ocean all around me.  

And then I started having these flashbacks to before I was on the island.  I remember driving through this really quaint yet progressive college town.  Big trees, people walking with backpacks, and I remember there was a really cool apartment building.  Wasn’t big. Maybe only 6 stories.  But it was beautiful.  Big windows, and the whole thing was made out of wood 


And I just remember being in that dingy, damp, cold, lighthouse wondering why I didn’t appreciate that when i had it.   I was just thinking…. If I had known back then how miserable I would have been stuck in this lighthouse I never would have left.  


Why would I ever want to leave a bustling yet peaceful town for a life of seclusion and loneliness?



And thats my life right now.  Im stuck on the island.  

here are the facts.  Im 24. Im a college graduate.  I think I’m pretty smart and outgoing.  

Yet, I’ve never been in love.  Ive never felt like I belong.  Im always wandering.

And on top of that, my VISA will expire for for Australia in about 1 month, so nobody wants to hire me because Im bound to leave shortly after they get done training me.  

And even more so on top of that. IM done working minimum wage jobs and just mustering through life.  I want a career.  A job I can grow in.  A job where I can change the world.  And to do that I think I must return back to the trees. I think I need to return back to America.

~The Dark Horse 

They Who Lick Honey Off Knives, or The Culture Of Ongoing Pain


So, we read this book in high school called The Lords Of Discipline.  And it was actually a pretty good book, but what has always stuck with me was a quote from the main character talking about those who have hurt him. He says,

“The adversary who is truly formidable is the one who works within the fortress walls, singing pleasant songs while licking honey off knives”

This always stuck with me…  The idea of people who hate so much, and who are filled with so much pain that they are willing to really work toward destroying someone.  Like, how rotten on the inside must you be to become this person?

But then I kept rereading the quote over and over and reread the page its on and I remembered its about his mother, and how she hurt him without even knowing it.

She wasn’t even meaning to…It was more about how she never stood up against the norms.  She took her role as “Southern Woman” and so she participated in life as a Southern Woman.  Not standing up to her abusive husband, telling her son to do what a “southern boy” should do, teaching him to live the life of a “General’s son”…. but think about that:

She lived her life based on roles that are PASSIVE and taught her children to be the same.

“Southern Wife”

“Southern boy”

“General’s son”

But NONE of these roles allow someone to be the person they WANT TO BE 


And so many people live life like this.  Living out roles that have been picked for them, as if it’s somehow noble to give up who you want to be for who someone told you to be.  And worse, our culture puts down people who try to be themselves.  People who go….Im a guy but I don’t like football are called gay.  Girls who don’t want to wear heels are called Dykes.  Ugly people who claim they want to be actors are called CRAZY. 

But really, are they?  And whats better? Being a crazy gay dyke or being a pussy bitch who never tried to live your own life?


I mean seriously, you wonder why America’s rates of depression, panic, anxiety, midlife crises, and suicide are so high?  Maybe as a culture we need to look in the fucking mirror.  Really learn to see the shithole we have dug for ourselves.  And I mean REALLY LOOK HARD.

Why is bullying seen as normal?  Why is it normal for guys to treat girls like shit?   Why is it normal to beat up gay people?


BUT THEN NEVER QUESTION PROBLEMS THAT ARE SO DAMN DESTRUCTIVE? (Like bullying/rape/suicide) AND INSTEAD GO “boys will be boys” “kids will be kids” or my absolute favorite bullshit excuse… “Shit happens”


Why do we live in a world of black and white?  There are so many beautiful colors in-between that so many people don’t even want to see because…. what?



Ill conclude this with a great quote from the movie CONTACT.

So, David Drumlin has been chosen to go to space because he backstabbed Ellie Arroway (who should have been the chosen candidate) because he claims that since she is an atheist she shouldn’t have the chance to meet alien life because she doesn’t represent “a majority” of the Earth’s population who believe in God… Even though Ellie is the one who discovered the alien life.  So, before he gets in the shuttle, they have a quick encounter that goes:

David Drumlin: I know you must think this is all very unfair. Maybe that’s an understatement. What you don’t know is, I agree. I wish the world was a place where fair was the bottom line, where the kind of idealism you showed at the hearing was rewarded, not taken advantage of. Unfortunately, we don’t live in that world.

Ellie Arroway: Funny, I’ve always believed that the world is what we make of it.

Think about that.  Life is what we make of it.  So, the next time you want to have an “Oh, thats just the way life is” moment… remember it’s only that way because we allow it to be. 

Lets start allowing life to be colorful like it was meant to be, ok?


Believe In Yourself,


The Boy From OKCupid… Or, Remembering Whats Important In Life


Yes, I am sort of talking to a boy on OkCupid, because even though I am depressed and quite over life at the moment….I still believe that happiness is possible, true love exists, and an adventurous  life still awaits me.    true story people! 

So, he messaged me last week.  I clicked on his profile and saw that he lives in Florida (I’m currently living in Australia). So this is for sure some long-distance-cupid-action!

But I messaged him anyways because I read his profile and saw his pictures and I thought he was both really cute and really likable.

Then 3 days ago we Skyped and I was kind of like a big eyed little schoolgirl and couldn’t help it.  But the best part was, so was he.  He smiled a lot and sometimes he just had that look that boys get when they like you, where they just kind of stop what they’re doing and just get a big grin.


Ok so Im rambling.  ANYWAY HERE’S THE POINT! 

So, he is studying environmental engineering and marine biology and just got his LEED certification (which is every Hippies dream).  He wants to go to grad school in Iceland to work with the geothermal energy they produce and is learning to play the violin just for fun.

So here’s the deal.  I know that nothing will come from this.  With the distance it is impossible, and I know we just met, so Im not trying be like Oh i found true love at last!

But what I am saying is that I’m realizing that I am not really doing too much with my life.  Yes, I traveled down here to Australia…big deal. I was working in a cafe just being a glorified tourist for a year.  That isn’t really the most thrilling or accomplished life to live.  So when I talk to him and I see someone who actually is going somewhere, who is going to make a difference, and who is extremely happy with their life, it made me start to think:


Maybe its time to stop focusing on roaming the world and start focusing on actually changing it.


Sometimes you learn stuff in the weirdest ways yeah?   Ok, well, here we go!

The Dark Horse

The Awards Post


So its been WAY TOO LONG but over a month ago Bipolar Barbie-Q (http://bipolarbarbieq.com) nominated me for a liebster award.  She started following my blog almost immediately and she nominated me for this award so early on in my blogging adventure that i didn’t even know what it was or what to do!  Now that I’ve been blogging longer I’m ready to accept and pass on the love!  

As for Bipolar Barbie-Q she is BRAVE AS ALL FUCKING HELL!  In her blog she talks about having to deal with problems like anxiety and depression ON TOP of recovering from Lyme Disease, a sickness so many of us have never had experience learning about.   Trust me, if you ever want to see what real strength looks like, head on over to her blog.  The bitch is wicked tough! 

For the Liebster Award: 

~This award motivates bloggers to work hard.
~It provides exposure to small bloggers.
~It helps to build good relationships with other bloggers.
~It is an opportunity to share more about you with others.
~It’s easy and good fun.

The Rules:

1. Thank the person that nominated you!
2. Post 11 Facts about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions posted by the person who nominated you
4. Nominate 10 Bloggers that you think deserve some recognition
5. Inform those bloggers that you’ve nominated them!
6. Post 11 questions for them to answer

11 facts about me:

1.) I hate listing facts about me… even though I’m a blogger.

2.) I love to fly in airplanes!

3.) I use bitch as a term of endearment (really bitches, we all should!)

4.) Pad Thai is my sun and my moon… its all I will ever need!

5.) Donkey Kong Country for Super Nintendo is my favorite video game of all time

6.) Ill choose a 5 star hotel over a road trip any day! 

7.) Christmas is my favorite time of year even though i don’t believe in God

8.) …. this is hard….

9.) I want to visit New Zealand

10.) I want to win an Oscar

11.) I will change the world one day 🙂

Here are The Questions Im Required To Answer:

What is your favorite animated series or film?~ FUTURAMA! hell ya! 

What would your “Keep Calm And” poster say? KEEP CALM AND FUCK EM’ ALL! 

Do you collect anything? MOVIE POSTERS! 

What colors would you want your wedding to be/what colors themed your wedding? Marriage is for boring straight people… just kidding… well not really.  I suppose the theme would be “an atrocity to marriage” and it would be filled with nudity, fire breathers, polygamist Mormons, transvestites, and we’d hand out condoms and encourage everyone to run home and fuck!  …Anything to destroy the sanctity of the ceremony

What color is your bedroom? Ocean Blue and I love it! 

Do you prefer showers or baths? All showers, all the time! 

What is your favorite breakfast food? pumpkin pancakes! 

Where is your ideal vacation spot? The Canadian woods

Your ideal pizza? i hate pizza

What’s your favorite way to eat potatoes? French Fries! DUH! 

Favorite youtube video? ….you’ve been warned: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgWn7zbgxZ4

Now questions I ask for the nominees!

1.) You’re going on a cruise?  Where would you want to go?

2.) If you could have one super power what would it be?

3.) You have superpowers!!!! Whats more fun? Superhero or Supervillain? v


5.) favorite book?



On top of that, recently She’s Whiskey In A Teacup (http://sheswhiskeyinataecup.wordpress.com) nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! 


She’s Whiskey In A Teacup is new to the blogging field.. even newer than me!  But i see great potential.  Don’t believe me?  Visit her page and you’ll instantly be greeted by Edna Mode, the eccentric fashion designer for superhero’s in The Incredibles, saying, “I never look back darling, it distracts me from the now”.   

Im so happy that my blog is inspiring people and I hope to pass on the magic! 

So here are the rules for the Inspirational Blogger Award:

1.) Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.
2.) List the rules and display the award.
3.) Share seven facts about yourself.
4.) Nominate 10 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

So 7 more facts….. oh god here we go:

1.) I love tea! 

2.) my favorite color is blue

3.) Im obsessed with public transportation!  Every city should have a light rail system! 

4.) barrique sauce goes with everything

5.) right now I’m blogging at a cafe, and its one of the most peaceful and centering things I do with my day

6.) i love conspiracy theories! 

7.) I also love cryptozoology! Don’t know what that is?  LOOK IT UP FOOLS! 



Ok time for my nominations! 

For a Liebster Award I want to nominate Cooking With A Wallflower! (http://cookingwithawallflower.wordpress.com) Your blog is amazing and I literally want to eat everything you post! it brings a smile to myself and to everyone else I’m sure

Also for the Liebster Award I want to nominate Blaze’s Blog! (http://blackfireblazing.wordpress.com)  Blaze.  I don’t know you but i still get this weird feeling of us being friends.  When i see your posts pop up its like seeing a friend post on my Facebook wall or something.  I always love to read it and I hope other people can join the friendship circle as well! 

for the Inspirational Blogger Award I would like to nominate a new blogger, Elephants and Butterflies (http://borderlinebutterflies.wordpress.com)  Her blog is new and fresh, yet she is honest and truthful.  Lover, I see good things in your future.  Keep on blogging! 


So all you guys gotta sneer my questions an pass on the love!