Tag Archives: mediation

Dear God (A Letter From An Atheist)

The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo at the Sistine chapel, Vatican city, Rome, Italy
The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo at the Sistine chapel, Vatican city, Rome, Italy

So, I will just start this off by saying that I don’t believe in you.  But I’m writing this letter to ask for help just in case you’re real.

Life seems really really hard sometimes.   Like insanely, fucking hard.  (Can I say “fucking” to you?)  I mean if you invented the human race and know all things, you surely would have known that word was going to be invented right?  And furthermore, you surely know that when I say “fucking” I’m not actually talking about sex.  Im using it as a way to show emphasis on how much pain I’m in sometimes.   And if you really do know all things, and knew the word fucking was going to be invented, and used so prevalently, then you can’t possibly be offended by it right?   I mean, it’s just a word and you’re God.   Don’t you have like planets to build and species to give life to or something?

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Anyways, so I’m writing this to make you a deal of sorts.

That deal is this: 

If you’re up there, you know me.  Im a 25 yr. old guy and I’ve never drank or done drugs. Ive never gone out of my way to hurt anyone and Im a liberal!  Im all about giving to the poor, increasing social services, and implementing systems to help reduce crime and misery in my country! Dude, I even have a blog that’s all about trying to help people who are in pain and make their days (and mine) a bit brighter! I’m working towards a better world!!!!!!

Is not believing in you seriously the worst sin I could commit? 

Especially since there is literally not a lick of evidence in support of you. Science proves otherwise actually.

(And just between you and me, have you seen the people who believe in you lately?)

…Let me give you a little snapshot

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….they’re a bit cult-like.  And don’t even get me started on the Catholics and their big pompous dog and pony show.

But back to the topic at hand,

Though I don’t believe in you I AM indeed spreading what you want.  Love, hope, and help for those who need it.  So let’s just say this:  I don’t believe in you, but I’m not an enemy.  I’m an ally.

So, since I’m helping you out, here is what I need from you – I need some strength, some courage, and it would be SO CRAZY AMAZINGLY COOL if maybe you could just nudge the fates in my favor a bit?  I battle (Ugh…I hate saying that word. I feel like a cancer patient) But anyways, I battle with depression, anxiety, and panic everyday of my life.  And I seriously try, and I think I’ve made some major progress, but I also realize I have nothing to live for.

I don’t really have any friends because when you’re 25 and don’t drink or do drugs and don’t enjoy gossiping about others, pretty much nobody wants anything to do with you because you bring down their good (but shallow) time.

And I feel lost.  Completely lost.  I really want to do something great with my life. I want my voice heard, and I KNOW I CAN DO GREAT THINGS!  I want my voice to be heard so I can change the world, give people hope, and inspire people to want more.

And for those people who are mean to others?  Well, someone needs to stick up for the little guy and tell the bullies to fuck off!

So anyways, God.  Help me out.  Throw me some cosmic slack.  Let me meet some amazing people.  People who can give me hope again that I can be happy, and maybe help me be one of the lucky ones where my voice can be heard?  Maybe this blog could somehow go viral or I can get a book deal or something?

Im trying, so hopefully you’re trying too, deal?

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Do I say Amen here?   I mean you can’t possibly be that pompous to make everyone say amen when speaking to you right? Im sure if you’re real you have to be way more chill than that.

So let’s just agree to disagree, but know we are working towards the same thing.

~The Dark Horse

Being Tired And Anxiety (Or, My Trip To Canada And Beyond…..There Wasn’t Really A Beyond, It Just Sounded Nice)

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So, for the last 2 days I took a trip to London, Ontario.   It is a really cool small city filled with amazing food, cute river bends, and quaint historical neighborhoods.

The topic at hand is what being tired does to you when you have anxiety and I will be using my trip as an example considering that for about a 48 hour period I got maybe 6 hours of sleep total.

The night before the trip I slept like 4 hours maybe because of how excited I was.  I then got up at 730am to meet for breakfast before the drive to Canada.   The day was amazing.   The drive was long but smooth, hardly any traffic, the hotel was nice, great food, a festival was going on, and everything was just great!

The night however, was awful.   My friend I was with has….um….sleeping problems which I was not aware of until that night.  She has no problems sleeping, however, she moans and makes crying noises all through the night.  People, I am not kidding.  I wasn’t able to sleep at all.  Constant sounds filled the room like she was having a nightmare. A constant nightmare. From midnight until 8am when I hit her with a pillow and told her to get the fuck up.

The day still was…..um..ok.   Still filled with great people and great food and a great city.  However, my friend was now driving me insane.   I was tired and I was no longer to pretend I wasn’t annoyed and tired, and so every time she made a comment I didn’t like I kind of maybe snapped just a little bit.  But for the most part, all good.

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The drive home however is when everything got bad.   I was very tired.  i was very annoyed.  And most importantly I didn’t want to be anywhere near her.   However, I had a 5 hour drive to be stuck with her.   Thoughts of how agonizing those 5 hours would be filled my head.  Dread consumed me and I began to fall into a panicked and depressed state.   About 20 minutes into the drive home I was off the wall.  Hardcore balls to the wall white-knuckling it.

I finally snapped and pulled over and was like, “You’re driving, I can’t”.   Confused she traded me places.  I put on some soft music and looked out the window for about 4 hours until we were back in America and only had an hour left in the drive.  I told her I was going to drive again and rushed towards home.

I dropped her off back at her home and felt like a weight had been lifted.  I was free to be myself.   Free to be calm.  Free to not have her there.

Free to go about my life.

So here are some tips I learned so you don’t have to hit the wall

1.)  SLEEP IS SO SO SO IMPORTANT WITH ANXIETY AND PANIC AND DEPRESSION. They fuck with your hormones, blood sugar levels, consume energy, and leave you feeling like you’re going to die.   NEVER EVER MISS OUT ON A GOOD NIGHTS REST… but if you do…..

2.) drink lots of fluids.   It really helps.  Why?  Oh I don’t know, I’m no scientist.   Im sure it has something to do with it helping the flow of electrolytes or keeps your body all hydrated and flowing properly or something.  Just do it.  it works

3.)  Rest if you need to.   Try to sit and get a drink or a snack before you fall into the panic attack.   Stop it before it happens

4.) Remove your stressors.  For example, I will never ever travel with that girl ever again.   I know now that was a mistake and I won’t repeat it.

But at the end of the day, and most importantly, I lived.  I didn’t die from my anxiety or panic or dread of being with her.  Life goes on, the dun will rise again, and so will you

~The Dark Horse

PS- this wasn’t proof-read.  It was written out a deep need to vent and rant and be a crazy person…. oh hey there is anotehr thing to help!

5.)  VENT AND RANT IF NEED BE! 

Change Is In The Air. Is It Good Or Bad?

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So I’ve got some big stuff coming up in my life, and Im sure you can all relate.  

In July, my lease ends, and ill have to find a new apartment with a new roommate… then in October my VISA for Australia will end and Ill be moving to New Zealand…alone.  having to restart once more.  It will be just like when I came here to Austrlia.  Ill have no job, no friends, and no place to live. The very situation that out me in so much pain here in Australia will be repeated in New Zealand.  All in the search of a better life.  

BUT IM SCARED 

Ill admit it to you all.  I hate admitting when I’m scared….but there it is… the truth.  I am scared.  Im scared of new place and new places.  I never used to be but how can i handle these changes with this panic and anxiety?  My mind can drive itself insane just by walking down the street.  How can I handle moving to ANOTHER foreign country? 

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Im sure you all can relate?  Im sure you all have things as well?  Changes?  Differences?  Challenges?  Dealing with these when you’re already being killed inside by your thoughts seems impossible…but I guess nothing is impossible until were dead? 

Like we can all worry that we won’t cope.  Well get hurt.  Well be miserable.  We may even die… But hey… WE ARE ALL STILL ALIVE.  WE ARE STILL ALIVE AND KICKING! 

So far, NONE of this has killed us yet.   I think we are all way stronger than we think we are.

Wait do you hear that?  The winds of adventure are calling our names! 

YES! EVEN US!  THE BEATEN, THE BROKEN.  THE SEEMINGLY LOST

The winds are blowing.   

The gears are turning

the times are changing….

PLAY THIS:

THATS RIGHT BITCHES! 

We salty dogs still have it in us.   

take a deep breath…. is your heart racing?  Or maybe you feel like its stopped?  Sure whatever, you’re still breathing though! 

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Oh yes… there is one bitch of a storm ahead…. but my swashbuckling sailors…. We’ve sailed through worse.

Smoke em’ if ya got em’, show that tavern wench whose boss, and kiss the kids goodbye.  Were about to embark on a life changing journey…. and for some of us like me…. this will be the journey that finally starts life.  Break away from the oppression your own mind and body! 

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Remember THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF! …. Some famous guy said that i think

EMBRACE THE ADVENTURE, WEATHER THE STORM, AND TREASURE SURELY AWAITS! 

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SAIL ON!

~ The Dark Horse 

 

I Know You Don’t Believe Me… But You’re Doing Good!

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So, change comes slowly.  That is what I’ve learned.  Sometimes I feel like its too slow.  And others, Im just proud of the accomplishments I have achieved so far.  We could sit for days on end just talking about all the things we could have done better, or different.  But at the end of the day, that won’t help anything.  

For example, right now I’m writing this entry in a cafe.  Back in December I wasn’t able to leave my apartment without spazzing out.  Progress?  YES! PROGRESS! 

And I’m sure all of you have similar stories. Were not the social, pretty, popular people that we see on TV or anything.  But hey, dealing with anxiety, panic, depression, or whatever you problem is; the fact that we get up in he morning and say that were not ready to quit shows that we fucking awesome.

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The road to success was never paved with gold.  Its sticky, messy, confusing, and hard.  But our determination will get us though.  IT has to because there is no other way. 

One day we will all be able to look out at the sun.  Sit down, relax and think about how silly we used to be.  How we just couldn’t see how much better things were, and wonder why we didn’t see it sooner. 

I believe life can be good.  Really, really good. 

So lets all give ourselves a nice pat on the back.  Were all amazing and doing a great job! 

(so, i tried to find an inspiration meme to end this post…but I found this instead, and I laughed, so hopefully you’ll at least smile)

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That Crushing Feeling, Lets Make It Go Away

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So, I was reading this girls blog yesterday and she was talking about how much physical pain she was in because of how sad she was and it got me thinking about it.  I know that feeling.  I think we all know that feeling.  

I remember back in high school we had to read The Crucible when learning about the Salem Witch Trials and we learned that there was a method of killing a witch called stoning.  And its not the in the middle-eastern way where everyone picks up stones and beats the girl to death.  They took a giant boulder and set it on top of the person.  The weight would slowly crush the ribcage until it collapsed onto the lungs and suffocated the “witch”.  

If any of you reading this has depression, you know why I mentioned that.  Its the closest way to describe how we all feel when we get sad.  Though nobody else can see it, we have that boulder pressing…pressing…pressing.  I don’t know what it is, or why it happens.  I don’t know even know how to explain to someone who has never felt it.  But you can literally just feel the weight of the world crushing you.  

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But that isn’t what this blog is about.  Were not here to dwell on the problems or how bad we feel.  This is about making us all feel better.  Anytime you’re feeling down come here and I hope to make you be able to smile.

So, this is one of my favorite pictures of all time:

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This is a picture of free diver, and conservationist Mehgan Heaney Grier.  Ive always loved this photo so much because she approaches this animal that could be so deadly, and she just stays so calm, and I always have the image in my head that she’s about to go in and kiss the thing!   

Why I mention this is because the alligator is like the “problem”.  Its our panic.  Our Anxiety.  Our Depression.   Its the big bad beast.  And we need to be Mehgan.  We need to approach it with a smile.  With a kind heart and without fear.   

This is hard and this is something that even I have massive struggles with, but this is the truth:

We must confront our fears, our pains, those who have brought those upon us with kindness.  With strength.  With dignified composure.  Because that is the only way to overcome the obstacle….To be better than it

So the next time you’re in your room, or at work, or wherever you are.  And you’re just feeling like absolute shit.  When you’re down and feeling worthless.  Remember how strong you are.  How much percervierence we all have.  We get up everyday and live our lives knowing that alligator is constantly right behind us.  That takes some fucking courage.  

And remember, next time you feel that alligator is there.  Kill it with kindness…. emphasis on the kill  😉

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Aight bitches, enjoy the night/day! 

 The Dark Horse