Tag Archives: mental illness

I’m Off On Another Adventure

rhode island

So my next trip is Rhode Island, and I’m leaving… tomorrow. 

And I’m so insanely unprepared. I have never been to Rhode island, nor do I know what people do there. I hope it’s fun? I hope it won’t be lonely.

But, you know, this is the life. I’ve always wanted to be a real traveler. I’ve always wanted to get paid to travel – and now I have it. And yes, there can be times when you’re sent to seemingly random places and have no idea why – but that’s all part of the job.


I think I’m still missing home. This summer was rough. I didn’t know if my internship would turn into a job, and then I lost my apartment and had to move last minute. It was a lot. And all I wanted to do the entire summer was be to home. To be safe. 

And I feel I haven’t fully recovered from that yet. It feels like there’s part of me that wishes I could go back and re-do the entire summer. I’d do things differently….

rhode island 1

But I need to look on the bright side. I made it through. It was rough, but I have a job and I have an apartment. I survived it. Somehow. Someway. I did.

Well, Rhode Island…. I guess, here I come! 

Oh, My Dear Editor Friend…You Have F***** With The Wrong Bitch.

writer

Oh, Mr. Journal Editor from the workshop today…. Oh, oh, oh, you poor, poor thing.

To anyone out there who doesn’t live in my head and needs context for what’s going on – Today in my writing workshop an editor from a literary journal came by. I read to him the first few pages of an essay I’m working on about my time hustling in LA.

I was told “While I would probably continue on past the second page, It sounds like anyone could have written it.”

Anyone?

A true story about running away and having sex for money to avoid homelessness can simply be written by anyone?????

ANYWAYS... So, I contacted my editor today who has been helping me with this story. I think it’s great. And I think it isn’t written in a normal way at all. In fact, one of the critiques I regularly receive about my writing is that it isn’t normal enough. I’m told I’m too causal, I cuss too much, It’s “like I’m having a conversation with someone.” (which, to me, is an honor, because that’s how I want to write.)

So, I just revised the essay a little bit. I streamlined that shit so fuckin hard that NOBODY can say it isn’t worthy of publication. It’s funny, it’s sad, it’s scary, it’s real, it’s perfect.

 

So, now…

revenge

It’s time to get revenge on that stupid journal editor. 

 

I’m going to get that published. This will happen. Vengeance will be mine. A flame has been lit inside me. A flame you don’t want to fuck with.

revenge 2

 

I’m going to get this essay published because I know it’s good. I’ve worked hard on it. It’s worthy of being read. Let’s do this. 

~ The Dark Horse

Embracing The Evil Within

joker

So, I have a confession for everyone, and, judge me if you must... But, during hard times, one of the things that really helps me get by is embracing my inner super villain.

That’s right. Sometimes just being straight up evil helps make me feel better.

When I get lonely, or when I see everyone else having fun without me, I sit there and go… What if a giant meteor came and slammed into Central Park right now, obliterating all these people into dust. 

dead like me

And then a smile comes across my face. And I get a little less lonely. (Also, easter egg for any fellow Dead Like Me fans out there!)

 

Oh, oh oh!!!!!!! AND MY ULTIMATE FANTASY, I want to be like Aquaman (hot blonde Aquaman, not overly buff drag queen Aquaman)

 

                                       No thanks.                                   Yes please. 

 

Anyways, so I’d be like Aquaman….but as a villain!

OH, THINK OF THE FUN I COULD HAVE! 

Ok, imagine this…. It’s spring break,

spring

Slutty hos, and douchey bros line the beaches, having their pathetic fun…

 

But…do they know that I’ve summoned a giant swarm of sharks? 

meg

Sure, they can try to swim away…but really, with 500 great white sharks surrounding you, where exactly do you think you’re going to go? 

jaw

Suddenly, the attacks begin. And once everyone knows what’s going on…

It’s already too late! 

MWUAHAHAHA!

jaws

Oh, it’s so sadistic, it’s simply perfect! 

 

Think of it – First, people become afraid of the oceans. Giant swarms of shark attacks have become normal. But everyone thinks rivers and lakes are still safe, but bull sharks can live in freshwater! Suddenly, in places like the Mississippi River and the Great Lakes, giant shark attacks begin to take place. The entire human population won’t go anywhere near water. The pumps that suck in water begin to clog with algae because nobody is cleaning them… the human race begins to suffer from dehydration and famine.

Then, I come forward, revealing that I control the oceans. And I demand 5 things to make the attacks stop:

1.) I want a roller coaster built. The longest roller coaster in the world. It will span across state lines, it will be an incredible 5 hours of ride time, and it can’t be wooden, because that will hurt.

2.) Obviously, I’m now emperor of the entire world and Zac Efron has to quit acting and become my personal sex slave.

3.) US airlines must remove economy seating, because it’s just fucking miserable. Business class for all!

4.) Every Friday at 9pm the entire world must shut down, and the entire population must go to the local movie theater to view classic horror films – Scream, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw, Creepshow, House of 1000 Corpses, all of them. Every Friday until the end of time. This will surely make the human race a better one.

5.) The TV show Strangers With Candy will be renewed for another 5 seasons. The Avengers will be remade, in which every character dies 5 minutes into the first film, thus sparing us from a series of atrociously boring movies. And lastly, anyone who watched Game of Thrones must personally submit a 500 page to me, declaring that the show was stupid and waste of their time and that they’re sorry to everyone for making us have to listen to them go on and on about it for almost a decade.

 

You have my demands…. the choice is yours.

~ The Dark Horse

(No, this wasn’t proofread. Emperors of the world don’t need to proofread. Oh! That’s another one of my rules. I no longer have to proofread anything ,ever!)

How to Handle Being Alone on a Holiday

nyc

The 4th of July is tomorrow, and I’m still recovering from how horrible I felt during Pride. I was already left on the sidelines for one major celebration, and now, just three days later, I’m going to have to spend yet another celebration alone.

So, what to do? I know one thing is for sure, I’m not going to repeat what I did for Pride. Trying to hide away from the world, just waiting for it to end, did not go well for me. It wasn’t healthy or fun. This time I’m going to take a different approach.

the th

 

THE PLAN:

1.) For starters, I’m going to try to be in public as much as possible. Whether it’s reading and journaling in a cafe, walking through Central Park, hitting the gym, wandering around a Barnes and Noble, literally, ANYTHING. The goal is to minimize loneliness as much as possible…which is going to be hard. Already, the city has emptied out, with everyone heading out to Fire Island, Long Island, Westchester, or back home to wherever they’re from. This is something I’ve noticed from living on the East Coast – these people somehow have unlimited funds to travel home. How is that? They take mini-vacations ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

2.) I’m going to eat out somewhere, even if it’s Chipotle. Sitting in my apartment cooking will only make me more sad. On days when you’re vulnerable to a breakdown, don’t risk it. Head out. Let someone else cook for you, let someone else clean up after you, and again, it keeps you out in public.

3.) I’m gonna sleep in.  That’s right motherfuckers. No alarm tomorrow. I’m waking up when I damn well please.

4.) I’m going to call home. I’ll check in on my parents and my grandma. Even though I can’t be with them on the holiday, maybe just being able to hear their voices will help make me feel a little more at home.

th2

So that’s my plan so far. Anyone else got any good ideas of what you do when you’re alone on holidays?

Anyhoo, hopefully some of these work for you too. Cheers to a better, brighter, less lonely holiday!

 

~ The Dark Horse

Restarting in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

Water Splash Isolated On White.

So, I lost my mind a little bit over the weekend. Pride was difficult for me. It’s hard being gay, and yet, not fitting in with the gay community. It’s also hard when the gay community then judges you for not fitting in, and tries to tell you it’s your fault. It’s sad when minority groups act exactly like the groups that have oppressed them, and what’s even worse, the minority groups feel some sort of moral high-ground and can’t bring themselves to view their actions as anything other than martyrdom.

Here’s an example – So I was having a hard time with Pride. It’s always difficult when everyone else is out having fun, and I’m left on the sidelines. It’s even harder when all these people are having fun doing things that I’m “supposed” to enjoy doing. It makes me feel defective. Like somehow I’m broken.

So, I’m saying this to a guy…I told him how the gay community has norms, and granted these norms are different from heterosexual norms, but they are norms nonetheless. I gave examples, like how we’re for some reason supposed to love wearing rainbows, we’re supposed to be ok with barebacking now that prep is a thing, how heavy drinking and drug use is normalized, and femininity is hailed as heroic while masculinity is seen as desperately trying to be “straight”. If you don’t agree with these beliefs, you are seen as less-than. I told him how that’s stupid and proves that the LGBTQ community isn’t this welcoming, loving bunch of people that they portray themselves to be. And that Pride is only for a people who follow the norms. I told him that I don’t feel like Pride is for me. it seems like its for other people. People who play the game. People who conform.

pride2

I mean, just look at this photo… Andy Cohen and the Real Housewives are not good idols to have. In fact, Andy Cohen is notoriously an egomaniacal asshole who treats people like shit. Just Google him if you don’t believe me. So, anyways, Gays listen to me…. Just admit it. Pride isn’t about Pride. It’s a time for the Divas to come show off, be seen, and post to social media. Stop pretending it’s somehow courageous.

OMG, I got lost in a tangent.  So anyways, I say this to this guy, and his response (keep in mind, he’s white)… he goes, “Oh, this is sooooo typical. A cis white man feels like an event isn’t made specifically for him, so he gets mad and claims oppression. I bet you voted for Trump too!”

LIBERALS AND GAYS… WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?

ARE YOU LITERALLY TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE HATE YOU? 

 

Seriously.  Do you want to win 2020? Or do you just want to show what privileged assholes you are by no longer feeling like you even need to listen to what others says?

 

But anyhoo…. It’s Monday. Pride is over. The gays are all leaving back to wherever they came from, the city is slowing down, the sun in shining, and I’m ready to restart.

tide

 

It’s true that I can’t change the gays, or anyone for that matter. Cultural norms are extremely hard to change. However, I can focus on myself. I can work to my dreams come true. I can work to find the people I belong with. Pride isn’t for me. And that impacts nobody but me. The millions of people at Pride this weekend didn’t even know that I was sitting in my apartment, nor would they even care.

It’s up to me to find where I belong. To make meaning for myself. And to live the life I want.

Yes. It sucks that nobody is there for me. And it sucks that nobody cares.

But, that doesn’t change that that’s the reality of life.

So.

Deep breath…

In, out, in, out.

Let’s do this.

~The Dark Horse

(Sooooooooo not proofread!)

London Bound (Or, The Excitement of Something Big Ahead)

london

So, in 2 days I’m being flown to London for my next trip as a travel writer. I’m so excited and curious about this diverse and sprawling metropolis. London rivals New York City on the global cities index, being the only two Alpha ++ cities on the planet. A mixture of international traffic, economic fervor, and arts & culture keep these cities on top of the world.

But London will be different than New York…

New York streets look like this:

new york 1

 

Whereas London looks like this:

london12

 

Two cities, built very differently. One built up, the other built out.

 

BUT ASIDE FROM ALL THAT…

The main reason for this post is the feeling I have right now. I fully believe that travel has an incredible healing power. Travel can reset your mind, restart your body, and reenergize what’s been lost.

Isn’t it Elsa herself who says, “It’s funny how some distance, makes every thing seem small…” 

Travel is the ultimate cure for whatever ails you… although, perhaps it’s always advisable to see a doctor if something is seriously wrong.

takeoff

 

But does anything compare to the takeoff of an airplane?  Or the anticipation before a trip?

Even if there’s no ocean where I’m going to, before I travel I can always seem to smell the saltwater. Sun seems to radiate from somewhere. Everything shimmers with starbursts and sunbeams. I absolutely love the feeling I get before a trip!

It’s a depression smashing, anxiety exploding, shot of pure positivity.

 

Also… as is tradition on this blog, if there’s ever a city that gets destroyed in a movie, I have to show it.

londonlondon2

 

Does that not inspire you to hop on a plane?????

Come on people, Adventure awaits! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Never give up, and never proofread! Unless you’re getting paid…. then proofread, proofread, proofread!)