Tag Archives: mental illness

A Delusional Coronavirus Lockdown Rant

going crazy

Y’all, look. Here in New York City we are about to be more than 2 months into lockdown. And I need to take a minute to lose my fucking mind because this entire situation is fucking insane…I hope you can all forgive me.

Ok, for starters – Why do humans suck? What if we were all puppies instead? Wouldn’t that be amazing? Wouldn’t life be so much better?

Also – wouldn’t this be the perfect time for an alien invasion? I mean really, if we all wanted to get our minds off the pandemic, what better way than for a superior race to come to Earth and kill us all?

empire state building explosion

The saddest part about that GIF is that New York is already destroyed… no aliens needed.

Also, do any of you have any post-pandemic plans? If we survive this, and if the world ever opens up again, and if we all don’t die in a recession-fueled riot or war, what will you do? What’s your post-pandemic dream?

Mine is simply to be able to go home and see my family again. How fucking sad is that? 

All I want is the ability to go home. That kind of sentence is reserved for World War II novels…not life in 2020. This is just fucking insane.

You know what will make me feel better… another Gif about aliens destroying the world.

US Bank Tower explosion

Take that you pig fuckers!

(sips my darjeeling tea and cackles like a fucking crazy recluse) 

What if this is all a dream? I’d love to wake up and it be 2005 again. Back when I was young. Back when I thought the future would be better. Who knew that everything would only get worse. Eternally.

Better yet – Wouldn’t it be great to, like, be in college during the 90s? How amazing would life have been? Go to Smashing Pumpkin concerts. See Scream in theaters. Social media and a crazed Republican Party hadn’t yet ruined society…

Entering the job market before the recession…

Being able to experience the world before 9/11….

ugh.

I was born too late.

White house explosion

This GIF speaks to me in more ways than one….

You know what we need right now? A man-eating animal. Did you know that in 1916 a shark went on a killing spree and killed a bunch of people? It even swam up a river in New Jersey, 30 miles inland from the Ocean. The shark got the nickname “The Jersey Man-eater”…. That instance inspired Jaws.

That’s what we need to get our minds off the pandemic. A good man-eating shark. Or tiger.

Jaws

Ugh… Just imagine. Swimmers start vanishing, then suddenly, it’s discovered that a giant 25-foot Great White is stalking the shores and is thirsty for blood…. HUMAN BLOOD! Mwuahahahahahha! 

Also, why am I so mad at humans right now? Is it because we brought this pandemic upon ourselves? Decades of environmental destruction, greed, selfishness, the systematic destruction of the public health system, and a total rebellion against science and education….

Ugh.

Fucking humans.

I think…. I think…. I think the evil within me is taking over….

I can’t…

I CAN’T STOP IT!!!!!

 

Rita Repulsa

Ah! After 10,000 years I’m free!  Time to conquer Earth!

 

rita repulsa

Wow…. Even the evil that lives within me doesn’t want to deal with the world in 2020.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just keep drinking tea. Keep writing. And keep waiting and hoping for a better and brighter tomorrow.

 

~ The Darkhorse

(No, this wasn’t proofread. This was written out of pure trauma. You hear me? Trauma!)

 

 

The Secret to Surviving Lockdown is Tea

tea

That’s right. Tea. 

Is there some sort of magical cure within the brewed leaves? Do they provide immunity to the COVID-19 infection? Will the brew ward off evil spirits?

Nope.

But it sure does taste good, doesn’t it?

That’s right my dear readers (all five of you!) I have gone on a balls-to-the-wall two month tea bender of epic proportions. White, green, oolong, black, pu’er, rooibos, Manuka, chamomile, and mint. I’m downing the stuff like there’s no tomorrow, because who knows… With this pandemic, there literally might not be a tomorrow.

sipping tea

And ya’ know what? My life is all the better for it. Being stuck at home, we have nothing to do but sick back and savor the complex flavors that tea provides. Some are bold. Some subtle. Some floral. Some deep. Some tea, like Dragonwell, Darjeeling, and milky oolong, somehow blend intense and floral notes all in the same leaf! How do they do it?

My life now resembles the Mad Hatter’s tea party, and the book is correct, once you start on your favorite pot of tea, time really does just slip away from you.

mad hatter

So go on, skip that nasty bitter coffee for a day. Instead, embrace the dignified, the fanciful, and the truly delicious tea leaf instead.  What better time than now? It’s not like we have anywhere else to be…

~ The Dark Horse

When the Sun Comes Out: Weather and Your Mood

sunny day

Isn’t it crazy how a little bit of sun and warmth can change everything?

Today, even in New York City, the sun is shining and it’s finally “warm”. Ok, it isn’t warm, but isn’t freezing either, and that’s a great start.

Anyways, the point is – Even though I’m living in one of the pandemic’s hardest hit neighborhoods in the hardest hit city in the hardest hit country in the entire world… Damn, a little bit of sunshine really fucking helps make me feel better.

When It’s sunny out, I feel like things are possible. Sure, they suck right now. Sure, the entire economy has collapsed, NYC will never be the same, I could lose my job at any point, my parens could get sick and die, and… I’M GOING TO STOP MYSELF RIGHT THERE!

Deep breath.

Look out at the sunshine. 

sunshine

Where was I… Right. so, point is, the sunshine at least gives me hope that something better is on the horizon. It gives me energy and makes me feel better.

And I truly do hope that better things are on the horizon. Unfortunately, it appears that the horizon is far off…well over a year away. In the meantime, all we can do is stay safe, stay healthy, and try to be close to our loved ones. The sunshine, at least, gives me hope that that is possible.

So, to anyone out there needing a pick-me-up. Go outside (safely) and take a deep breath underneath the sunshine. Let its warmth wrap around you. Let its power give you energy.

And, um… If it isn’t sunny wherever you are today…Well, you’re fucked. I suggest you go inside, give yourself a punk haircut, find whatever black clothes you own and put them on (yes, all at once), blast some Marilyn Manson, and embrace the darkness within.

marilyn manson

 

Rock on,

~ The Dark Horse

Coronavirus and Mental Health

COVID-19

So, there’s no point in lying, is there? This totally fucking sucks.

If you’re lucky, you’re trapped in a house. If you’re unlucky, like me, you’re trapped in a tiny apartment with a roommate in Brooklyn. There’s not much to do. We’re stuck in very close quarters, and ya know…there’s that whole looming fear of death in the air (quite literally).

And so, our mental health takes a toll. Right now, everyone’s mental health is being put to the test, but for anyone like me, who already struggles with things like depression and anxiety, this is truly, seriously, honestly, REALLY pushing the limits of our sanity. I’m only a few days away from going as mad as a hatter.

hatter

Fun story – Do you know the phrase “mad as a hatter” comes from the fact that mercury used to be common in the hat-making process? So, many hatters would get mercury poisoning, and appear to be drunk or insane.

The things you learn in quarantine…. 

Anyhoo – where was I? Something about losing my mind, right?  Ah, yes. So, here we are, trapped, locked, and so forth, and what exactly can we do about it? Unfortunately, not much. This is one of those horrific situations where we are just forced to wait it out.

But at the same time, for people who struggle with mental health, isn’t that kind of our strength? Most people around the world are like, “I’m trapped in a miserable state and there’s no way out of it!”

And we’re like, (sips tea) “Hunny, that’s called my fucking life.”

And so, what shall we do?

Well, I’m drinking lots of tea (the good stuff too), I’m watching lot’s of shows, doing lots of writing, and I’ve just started a new book. Everyday, I go out for a little walk because I think fresh air is important (obviously, I keep my distance from others) and really, that’s about it.

Nobody said this would be easy or fun…

maggie smith

…But then again, we’re used to that, aren’t we? 

 Remember – If you’re in need of mental health help during these tough times, reach out! Beyond Blue has amazing resources. The CDC (as crappy as the CDC is) has a webpage on mental health during the crisis, and NAMI also has a page set up. And if you’re in desperate need of help, here is a list of crisis hotlines around the world.

Keep calm, carry on, drink tea, watch porn, do whatever ya gotta do to keep yourself safe and sane!

~ The Dark Horse

SPRING IS ALMOST HERE!

early spring

It’s March.

I’m sick with the flu. But Its March. So it’s ok. Spring is almost here. Winter is almost gone. Oh god oh god oh god… DEEP BREATH… I’m just so thankful. I don’t want to be dramatic or anything, but I swear winter is the most oppressive force known to man. All the darkness. The cold. And the colds. During January and February, I spend the entire two months feeling like I’m struggling just to live. Like every breath is harder and harder to take.

drowning

Ok, I promised I wouldn’t be dramatic.

But it’s soooooo hard! Winter fucking sucks. Winter is honestly the worst thing that’s ever happened to planet Earth. And sure, sure… I know. We need winter. The preserved water held in ice and snowpack on mountains that thaws slowly through the rest of spring and summer is what provides fresh water to numerous plats and animals all over the world…

BUT DEAR SWEET LORD! IS THERE NO BETTER WAY? 

Or, government of Singapore, if you’re reading this, can I please have a visa to live in your country? I will gladly live in 85 degree weather forever and ever til’ death do we part!

springtime

But, It’s March. Let us not forget this! IT IS MOTHERFUCKING MARCH! Soon, the weather will warm. Trees will bloom. Cold and flu season will die ( YESSS DIE YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!!) and I won’t have to bundle under layer upon layer just to go do anything.

I’m currently living in this converted warehouse in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, so It’s always cold (at least during the winter) so I even have to bundle up just to go pee.

Goals for Spring – No longer have the flu. And move out of Brooklyn.

To where? who knows. Perhaps Manhattan? Or perhaps halfway around the world?

~ The Dark Horse

 *** Not proofread, still sick (with the FLU I might add… where’s my pity?) so therefore, by rule of blogging, I don’t have to proofread ***

 

 

 

 

 

So, I Kind of Lied

brooklyn boulders

So, I have a confession to make. In the last post, I mentioned that I had to go to indoor rock climbing with my new friend. I had said I didn’t want to go because of how expensive it was and because of how annoying all the indoor rock climbing people are.

And don’t get me wrong, that’s all true. But that wasn’t the real reason why I was dreading it so much. The truth is, I was afraid. There’s a lot that I haven’t done in my life. Since nobody talked to me growing up, and since I had to deal with the panic attacks and agoraphobia…my life has been quite small. There’s a lot I have never done.

And nobody is good at things they’ve never done before. So, my real fear was that I was going to fail. I was terrified of having a fear of heights on the huge walls, or of being too weak to pull myself up. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my new friend, especially since its’s practically impossible for me to make friends. I also didn’t want to have a panic attack while I was three stories up on a climbing wall.

I was fearing the worst.

rock climbing

I couldn’t stop thinking about spending $50 just to have a horrible night and wind up losing a friend because of what a total pussy I am.

But, I’m proud to say that I did it. And the night went well. And I climbed to the very top of the wall (granted, it was on the Level 1 rock wall) BUT, STILL! I was there, dammit! 

I climbed that Level 1 wall and made it my bitch.

I also felt very emotional after. I say this all the time. Life after agoraphobia is like being born a second time. You find yourself having your “firsts” all over again. Your first walk around the block. Your first trip to the grocery store. Your first ride on the subway. And still, even five years after agoraphobia, I still find myself having these firsts.

But granted, nowadays, they’re things like “First time speaking at a podium” and “First time to London” and “First time indoor rock climbing.”  I’ve come a very long way from that apartment in Melbourne, where I was all alone, making my very first walk down Clarke Street.

indoor rock climbing gif

First steps lead to first climbs I suppose.

 

~ The Dark Horse