Tag Archives: motivation

It’s Time for Us To All Respect and Love Ourselves Because We Can Be Fucking Awesome! (Or…I got crabs)

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So, Ive learned something within the last few weeks.   Despite everything I’ve gone through, and all the progress I’ve made, I still don’t value myself.   Now, before I get into this whole thing, let me explain how this revelation all came together:  I got crabs.  Yes. I got public lice.   And It is probably one of the most disgusting and gross things that have ever happened to me.

You see, when I get sad and stressed and lonely, I lash out with sex.  I battle with a sex addiction.  And for anyone out there who thinks that sex addiction isn’t real, well you can go fuck yourself, I have nothing to prove to you.     ANYWAYS, moving forward… So that’s my vice I guess you could say.  And I have times where I handle it really well and then I have times when I don’t.    I moved here in January to start school and Im guessing if you’re reading this blog, you’re most likely the kind of person who is different from most. So you all know how much of a struggle it is to make friends when you’re like us.   And beyond friends, DATES?  …That basically doesn’t happen.

So I’ve been working really hard at school (I’m straight A’s right now Im proud to say!) But I’ve also been facing the crushing loneliness of moving to a new place.

Also, I think I should mention I’m at Harvard, and it’s not to brag, but it’s important to understanding the situation.

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So,  Harvard is amazing, but there is a culture here, because it’s the best school in the country, and probably the most famous in the world:  A vast majority of people here are cunts.   Like most stereotypes, the ones about Harvard are also true.  You have an overwhelming majority of insanely wealthy people who have no idea what reality is like.  You have competition coming out of your ass.  You have this “If I can’t benefit from you, theres no point in talking to you” mentality.   Remember Legally Blonde?  Well, there are a lot of Vivian Kensington’s here.

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But, ugh… way too much building the scene right?  I just need to get on with what I’m trying to say.   So, I’ve been lonely.  I’m a creative type who wants to write stories to inspire the outcasts of the world to hang in there, and I’m in a school full of methodical, wealthy, WASPS….literally the kinds of people who create outcasts.   So, making a social life has been hard.

 

 

In my loneliness, Ive turned to sex.  Luckily for me, I’m a top, and I always use a condom.  So the risk of things like HIV and shit are super low.   However, things that spread from skin-to-skin contact…. like lice…. well, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.   The last few weeks I have been itching really badly, so I went to the doctor and she said it was probably jock itch, so she gave me cream and said not to be alarmed if the itching is still there for 2-3 weeks.   And furthermore, when the lice are on your skin they kind of look like freckles that have slightly weird boundaries.  So, nothing immediately seemed odd.   But as the weeks went on and the cream did nothing, and  I started seeing a lot of these odd new freckles, and not just on my pubic region, but on my thighs and stuff, I was like…. you know what, this is weird…. so I picked at one of them, and then it came off!  I was shocked.  I was like… did I get mud on me when I went running or kayaking or something and it dried?    But then i picked another one and held it up close to me eyes to get a good glimpse and I COULD SEE IT SQUIRMING AROUND!    I won’t show a picture because it’s gross, but there’s a reason why public lice are called crabs…their shape is different from head lice. Public lice literally look like tiny crabs.   I almost threw up and I ran to the doctors.

 

So yeah…I was a lice factory for about month and didn’t even know it, which gave the lice all the time in the world to breed and wander onto my legs and oh the joy! 

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So here’s where I’m at now:  I’m feeling so ashamed of myself.  I know I can better than this.  Having sex with any person willing to be fucked?   Also, mentally this isn’t good either.  Someone a long time ago once said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  And thats what I’ve been doing.   And I’ve been doing it out of desperation because I didn’t respect or believe in myself enough.

 

But now it’s time to.   I’m so tired of feeling like I’m worth nothing.  I’m tired of believing that all I’m worth is some gross guy on grindr who wants a random hookup.   Because I am better than that.  I am worth more.  

I
CAN
BE
BETTER
GOD
DAMMIT!

 

I need to believe in my writing and believe that I have talent and that people will want to read what I write.

I need to believe that I am an attractive person both inside and out and am worthy of love.

I need to believe that my life is far from over.  In fact, the good stuff is still to come!

I need to believe that my life matters.

And I want all of you to believe that too.  I think we all matter.  And I firmly believe that people who have been through things are actually the most capable of creating change in this world.  We know pain.  We know sorrow.  And that knowledge and emotional depth makes all of us valuable.   

 

And if were going to take this back to Harvard and Legally Blonde, then let’s remember Elle Woods.  That bitch didn’t change herself.  She walked into law school in a fucking pink skirt and chihuahua and then rocked that shit out harder than anyone else.              So, fuck the Vivian Kensigntons of the world, we need more Elle Woods.

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So, that’s where I’m at.  I think I’ve had another breakthrough in my emotional health.  I think I’ve finally seen more of the depths of how much I actually hate myself.  And now, it’s time to change that.  it’s time to let the real me shine.  It’s time to be myself and not be ashamed of that.  We all must have courage and faith in our abilities.  We all need to remember that we are awesome.

Alright, Elle, how bout you give us some final words of wisdom:

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~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

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Mental Illness Is War (But Thats Cool Cuz Were Soldiers)

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So I watched a war movie the other night and I couldn’t help but notice how much i related to it all.   It was actually pretty crazy.   A lot of aspects of war are like aspects of dealing with mental problems (whatever yours may be, I’m sure were all going through similar situations).

For starters, theres a sense of being “war tired”.  In all war movies and war stories you hear the concept of boys entering the war and leaving men.   Of innocence being lost.   You hear them talk about how war ages you.  A 27 year old ends his tour of duty being wiser than his 60 year old father.  The feeling of being worn out, stressed out, and feeling like a piece of innocence has been lost that will never be returned.

Now I hope all of you out there are smiling right now because come on…. Do you not feel like this?   I constantly miss the person I used to be.  The kid I was back when I thought there was hope in this world.  When I thought people were trust worthy.   Back when I thought life was full of hope and promise.  Before all the sleepless nights, the misery, the panic attacks, and the constant dread and feeling of hopelessness.

But you know what? This is war people.

I hate to tell you but just like a soldier fighting on the front lines we have two options.  Fight and use all the brains and energy we have to survive, or die.  For the soldier its a bullet to the head, or a bomb.  For us, its a wasted life ended before it even began, the slow body-decomposition that comes with decades of stress, or worse, suicide.

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Another concept you hear a lot from soldiers is the feeling of coming home and not being able to talk about war.   There are lots of reasons why they think this…. people will judge them, they will be angry, their image of that person will never be the same, the fact that war is probably insanely hard to describe to someone who hasn’t been through it…..at the end of the day it comes down to:  People Just Wont Understand  

 

 

DING DING DING!

Any of you ever have that feeling out there?

Hmmmm…..  I sure as fuck know that I do.   How many times have you tried to describe to someone that how you feel is Misery.  It is Dread.  It Is Fear. It isn’t a “bad day” or a “rough patch”  and how many of you watch that person’s eyes glaze over because they just don’t get it.    Well you know, maybe we have more in common with soldiers than you thought huh?

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Also, and most obviously of all…. were all fighting a war of some kind.    It is a fight.   They are on the front lines, and we are sadly battling with out own lives.   But we know the pain.  The misery, the fear, the exhaustion, and the struggle of fighting everyday.

So what do we take from this? 

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Well I imagine we should do what soldiers do.   Remember that though it is hard, scary, exhausting, and sometimes it seems like all hope is lost…we have to remember that its for a bigger cause.   If we don’t fight now, then when will we?  Especially for mental illness, studies show that the more you lean over and just take it, the worse it will become.  For example:  The gym gives you anxiety.  DONT STOP GOING!  Even though you’ll go to the gym and have a panic attack a few times, the worst thing to do is to stop going.  Because you’ll most likely never go back.  And then you’ll notice that you’re having panic attacks for smaller things.   Like maybe running at the park…. and the cycle will go on and on until you’ve got yourself complete agoraphobia.

Know You’re Not Alone, And That You Do Have The Courage And The Brains To Fight And Win.

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~ Also id just like to say, I hope this post hasn’t offended anyone serving or who are returned servicemen.  I think you’re brave and strong for what you are going through and have been through.

The Dark Horse

Moving Past Being An “Anxious Person”

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So, I have good news, and some odd and confusing news.  

So i guess lately Ive been thinking about the “next step” in my life.  Where Im going after Australia, and Im starting to think about how great it would be to fall in love and make friends and have adventures.   And I’m thinking less and less and less about ‘how will i survive this day with my anxiety’.  

Am I moving BEYOND anxiety?   Am I actually becoming the person I used to be and not even knowing it?

 

…. no….no that isn’t right…. that must be what is different…. I’m NOT THE OLD ME. 

I don’t let things bother me like I used to.  i don’t respond to situations the same way.  I’m learning  to be better.  Im learning to better myself.  Im learning to not hate myself for being so different.  Im learning to love myself.   Im learning how stand in my own shoes and set fire to anyone who doesn’t like that. 

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Like Robert De Niro from Stardust Im gonna rock that freak flag!  WHY THE FUCK NOT RIGHT? 

So What, maybe I had no friends in high school, but I’ve seen the Northern Lights.

Maybe, Ive never been to a concert, but I have swam with wild manatees, dolphins, and sharks in Florida (For real…It was actually a little dangerous) 

And maybe I’ve never been in love, but I have lived in a foreign country.

 

And you know what?  I’ve met a lot of people along the way.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  And dammit, Im still here.  So fuck you people if you think I’m weird, I LOVE IT

So put on your best Michele Pfeiffer “Imma fuck shit up” face, and well….. fuck shit up (in the good way) 

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One Thing You Cant Say Is That Im Not Trying, Or, Suicide Is Not An Option

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So, as much as I hate to admit that I like a David Spade movie.. Joe Dirt had some good moments.  In fact, I rather liked it.  And ya know, Joe is right.  You just gotta keep on keepin’ on.

I had therapy today and I talked to my therapist and I told her how, even though I think life sucks right now, I have no other options.  What am I going to do kill myself?  I could NEVER kill myself. When I die I have an eternity of nothingness. After 70 or 80 short years, we will have nothing but… well…. nothingness, so why end it any sooner than you have to?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.  If anyone out there is considering suicide, don’t do it. No matter how bad things seem.  No matter how many people you feel are against you.  Don’t commit suicide.  

I could tell you some reasons why, like, because if you do, all those people who have treated badly will win. They will have their ultimate triumph…your life.  Or I could tell you how life is short and not to make it any short, or I could even say something like any life lost is a tragedy…. and I do believe all of those things…but thats not the main reason you shouldn’t commit suicide.  The main reason is this:

You are better and stronger than everyone else. 

So lets talk facts.  A whopping majority of the population in developed western countries don’t know shit about emotion.  They don’t know how to feel like we do. They don’t understand.  

Most people don’t know the extreme situations.  Whether your story be rape, abuse, bullying, physical ailments, self harm, loneliness, depression, anxiety, or any other major problem that holds you down. MOST PEOPLE WILL NEVER HURT THAT MUCH IN THEIR LIVES. probably why most of you feel so alone and isolated.  I know from personal experience.  Trying to talk to the commoner about problems like that is just pointless. It feels like talking to a brick wall.

BUT HERE IS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY:

Though they may be kind of lucky that they can’t hit the lows like we can, they also can’t hit the highs.  We just have the capacity to feel more.  To see more. To know more.  We are actually the superior beings here.

So say there is a scale from 0 to 100. 0 is complete, crushing pain.  100 is complete euphoria, and 50 is like contentment.

The commoner can Maybe feel from like 40 to 60.  So they never get too hurt, but at the same time, what they know as happy, or accomplishment, or satisfaction, is only a fraction of what we can feel.  And I know it probably hurts SO MUCH right now but DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

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The word needs you.  

Take that pain and turn that shit around.  Whip that bitch off your back and make a turn for the good.  Create a non-profit.  Write a book about your experience.  Inspire others.  Do something with your life to help others who are in your shoes but have not yet felt the spark that they need to pull them out the hole.  That is what I’m hoping to do with this blog! 

And if you ever ask yourself, “why me?” 

Well the answer is because, there is nobody else.  We are the movers and the shakers in this world.  You think the commoner will ever do something great?  You think that football jock who used to beat you up will make any great contributions to the world?  Hell fuckin no! That bitch is sitting on his ass at a bar with some bunk ass wife.  Still in your hometown.  With kids.  And no plans to change anything.

WE ARE THE ONES WHO DO GREAT THINGS.

ya hear me bitches?  The world is ours!  Take all that pain and do something with it.  Use it to make the world a better place.  Im there for you and I believe in you.  

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if need help or are struggling with suicide, call:

1300 651 251 if you’re in Australia 

or 

1 800 273 8255 if you are in the US

Rock that shit out!

~ The Dark Horse