Tag Archives: New York

I’m So Excited for The Holidays, I Can’t Handle It!

kid on christmas

So, I’ve found a new apartment, I’ve gotten my deposit back, and I’ll be moving out of my awful apartment on December 1st. Now, I can finally get back to what I really want to be doing right now… FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS!

OH, SWEET HOLY HONEY ON HIGH! I literally love the holidays so much it might actually be unhealthy.

kristin wiig

Oh my lord. I just can’t.  So, now that I’m a travel a writer, the holidays have gotten EVEN better. You know how every year you see stories like, “AAA released how busy the roads will be this holiday” and “Priceline lists the top Thanksgiving travel destinations of 2019”? Well, I have always LOVED those stories. I scroll through Google news endlessly, all through November and December, reading news about holiday travel. I’m obsessed with the madness! The hustle! The bustle!

And now… I GET TO BE THE ONE WHO WRITES THOSE STORIES!  When I saw the email from AAA earlier this week with their annual holiday forecast, I literally almost died. I was like… OMG this is my dream come true. I finally get to WRITE an article on the AAA Thanksgiving forecast! (They’re projecting about 51 million Americans will be traveling this Thanksgiving!)

 

Oh lord…. this is too much. I’m too excited. I can’t breathe!   Oh no! I’m hyperventilating!

excited SNL

Am I only person who goes on Google Maps, turns on the 3D mode, and then looks at airports around the country, dreaming of the absolute chaos that must be going on inside them during the holidays?

Is there anything better than knowing that after your exhausting day at the airport, you can go home, to food that was cooked by someone else, towels that were washed by someone else, and best of all… now that I live in New York, there is NOTHING BETTER than going to bed in a quiet house on a quiet street. You don’t get silence like that in NYC, so it feels simply magical when I go home!

kristin wiig excited

Oh god, I’m too excited! Ok, I’m going to make myself a chamomile tea and take a warm shower.

~ The Dark Horse

(No, this wasn’t proofread, this was written through pure holiday mania!)

Revenge Part 2: The Toothbrush

Close up shot of set of multicolored toothbrushes in glass on cl

The innocent toothbrush. After its invention, the oral hygiene of the human race was vastly improved. They’re pretty cheap, versatile, and can be used for so much more than just brushing your teeth…

Revenge is in full-swing against both, my roommate is overcharging me rent every single month, and my other roommate has become a total twatbucket once I decided to call my other roommate for overcharging.

So, this morning… it was glorious out. It’s Veteran’s Day. A holiday. A day for a nice slow awakening, relaxing breakfast, and a nice. long. shower.

I turned up the music in the bathroom so loud that nobody could hear what was going on in there. Before I got in the shower, as I blasted Hold Up by Beyonce, I grabbed my roommate’s toothbrushes…

beyonce hold up

…opened up the toilet bowl, and one by one, dunked them down inside and gave them a nice vigorous twirl!

Ah, the crisp refreshing feeling of revenge.

What can I say? I’m a man pushed too far. I tried to be nice. I even enjoyed living there. I had no problem with either of them. i even bought most of the soap and toilet paper… but it turns out i was being used.

And used I shall be not.

beyonce

Bam, biches!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

I’m Being Robbed

roommate

So, just when I thought life was getting good. I was getting all excited for the holidays. Work was going well. But then…

Our hot water stopped working.

So, I go upstairs to the unit above me to ask them if they’ve lost hot water too.  We get to talking, and I discover that our apartment units are actually much cheaper than my roommate had told me.  Turns out, he’s been charging me an extra $300 a month.

So, I confront him about it, and he says I either have to pay the higher price, or move out. He feels entitled to upcharge the rooms. He think he deserves my money. He feels no remorse, and I’ve seen him advertising the room on Craigslist, and he’s trying to overcharge whoever replaces me too.

But, is anyone surprised? Would my life go any other way? Literally, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, things go wrong. I get fucked over. I get treated like shit. For 3 days now, we haven’t had hot water, and me and my roommate haven’t spoken.

I’m desperately looking for a new place to live. Once again…

I’m tired. I’m tired of everything going wrong. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of having no on there to help me, to support me, to care about what’s going on.

And so, it’s time to plot my revenge.

~ The Dark Horse

Adults Who Party…

party

So, question for everyone… At what point is someone too old to party like they’re in college? For example, if you’re in your late 20’s and into your 30’s, is it ok for you to throw a raging house party in the middle of a residential neighborhood until 5:30am?

And, I’m seriously asking this.

For me, I would say, “Of course it’s NOT OK. It’s a residential neighborhood, full of people who might need to be up for work in the morning, and people who might have children.”

You see, this happened last night. Raging house party in my neighborhood. All adults. Blasting music. All their windows open. Yelling, screaming, drama, just like undergrad all over again.

But what’s weird is when I’ve asked other people about this today, so many are saying, “I mean, they’re allowed to party…”

Which, yes. Go to a bar or a club. Williamsburg is literally loaded with them. Why disturb  other people who are trying to sleep in their own homes with your bullshit?

party 1

Humans are such trash. Trash that never matures. Trash that never considers other people. Trash that’s just looking for the next cheap thrill. And Williamsburg is the epicenter of this. Liberal hipsters who think they’re at the forefront of the world – But in reality, they’re just mediocre sheep following the herd, doing what they need to do to get heir rocks off.

In my rage last night (and since I had nothing to do but lay in bed and listen to the rager next-door) I came across this song, which is so insanely true:

“Brooklyn’s a death bed, for clones of the same kid.
Stuck in a party that was lame to begin with…”

 

Oh my sweet lord. I have a new crush. These guys clearly saw Williamsburg for what it is: Desperate trash, congregating with other desperate trash, in order to live within a bubble of their delusion.

I need to move.

~ The Dark Horse

Things Overheard in a Brooklyn Coffeeshop

brooklyn

So, recently, I made a post about how annoying coffeeshops in NYC are. And today I’m here to give you a great example.

Ok, so… It is currently 11am on a Wednesday. I am writing an article for the magazine, doing actual work. A sloppy “woke” gay with dyed bleach blonde hair and a girl (both looking late-twenties) sat down right across from me.

 

Here is what I’m now listening to.  Please keep in mind, NONE of this is made up. This is verbatim what I’m hearing right now as I’m trying to do work….

So, the gay guy started telling her about how great his career as a hair stylist is going. He’s apparently doing really well. His husband is also doing well. What does his husband do? He sells PrEP (the anti-HIV drug) on the streets. Good for him, right? A real entrepreneur…

But, ugh oh… drama was right around the corner. This guy and his husband met a 3rd guy for a “thruple.” However, his husband wasn’t getting along with the 3rd guy. So this guy kept hooking up with the new guy on the side. You see, that’s how mature people handle problems…

But ugh oh…. Big shock here! A few months into the affair, the 3rd guy revealed that he’s a heroin addict. And he started pulling this guy away from his husband, demanding more and more of his time to help kick his addiction.

drugs

But the stress of all this was too much for this guy, and he couldn’t handle cheating on his husband with a heroin addict, so he turned to the only thing that was ever there for him… alcohol. And he then he relapsed and his health got bad.

So now he’s looking for alcoholic support groups, but HOW IS HE GOING TO TELL HIS HUSBAND ABOUT THE AFFAIR WITH THE HEROIN ADDICT? 

So now, he’s like, totally stressing out with this girl, pouring his absolute heart out to her, telling her ever gritty little kinky detail about his life.  And what’s weird, is that they sound like they’re enjoying it.

OH MY GOD now she’s crying. Now she’s got boy problems. She literally just said,
(sniffle) I’m sorry, today is supposed to be about you, but this is making me think of what’s (sniffle) going on in my life!”

crying

But back to what I was saying… these two seem too happy. They seem to really love loudly blabbing about their lives. They keep talking about these horrible things, while also seeming like they’re kind of enjoying it. It’s like the gossip is so juicy that they’re happy to have it in their lives…. even though it’s tearing them apart.

So, for anyone who was annoyed with my last post and thought I was being dramatic…

Nope.

This is literally what Brooklyn is. Rich kids with nothing to do and nowhere to go, self-destructing because, why not? They have no real problems, so they have to willingly walk into them.

Fuck Williamsburg.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

Why I Hate New York Coffee Shops

coffeeshoppe

So, there are many reasons to hate coffee shops in New York. The first two are annoying, but don’t make me want to murder people like the last one… (more on that later)

 

First off, they’re always so busy. New Yorkers all get to work from home a lot (as do I, so I shouldn’t judge) so cafes and stuff are always full of people who don’t have to go to their offices. Annoying but manageable…

MORE ANNOYINGLY however, is that, unlike me, most of these other people who are “working form home” seem to have very little work to do. Especially now that I’m here in Williamsburg. To most people, “working” is opening their laptops, then sitting on Instagram. I imagine in their heads they’re like “I’m a social influencer, so checking my followers is my job…”

instagram

 

Even better is when they have drama. New Yorkers in coffee shops have SO MUCH DRAMA. When you’re wealthy and unemployed you literally have nothing to do but fight with your other bored rich friends. It’s the only excitement in their day. I’ll be sitting there typing up an article when suddenly I’ll hear:

“No. No you can’t do that. Look, I need this time for me! I’m very busy, I’m allowed to have some time to myself! No. No, three of my credit cards aren’t working, and I’m not sure why…”

(I think I may know why…)

“Well Jennifer is just manipulating you! That’s all she ever does. And I’m sorry, but you’re going to listen to her then there’s nothing  I can do. I’m at work… YES I AM. I’m busy working. I don’t have time for your childish problems!”

(Yes you do…)

drama

It’s hard to work when that’s going on all around you.

 

But, making everything SO MUCH WORSE…In fact, THE ABSOLUTE WORST is the shitty fucking music they play. Listen up people, long gone are the days of the coffeeshop soundtrack. No more Sheryl Crow acoustics, no more light jazz. No more peace. No more quiet.

Coffeeshops are the new clubs, don’t you know that? And you will be forced to sip your morning tea while Ariana Grande blasts all around you.

ariana

Listen America, and please, government or police officers reading my blog and keeping tabs on the public, FEEL FREE TO USE THIS AS EVIDENCE. One day, I will lose my mind and kill everyone. And the culprit will be the awful music they play in coffeeshops.

It’s like the telltale heart. It’s maddening. It eats away at me. It all sounds the same. All songs bleed into each other now. Rap and hip hop have have merged with trance and house to create the new era of pop, which has, in turn, influenced country. And now, it’s just atonal thumpa-thumpas, meaningless and mediocre lyricisms, and repetitive nonsense.

Can you even tell when Halsey ends and Sean Mendez begins? Can you tell when Charlie XCX turns into Post Malone? I can’t. I literally can’t. 

I can't

 

AND to top it all off. They blast it as loud as they can. One coffeeshop in Williamsburg called The Butchers Daughter even has a DJ sometimes. Imagine this people… a DJ at a vegetarian cafe. I’m sorry. But, desperate. Pathetic. Overdone. so old hat. Is this 2005? When Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan declared that they were now professional DJs? 

Who can even be a DJ these days and not be embarrassed? It’s so passé. By now everyone knows (or should know) that DJs are just desperate spun-out drug addicts. Just ask Avicii.

Anyways, so that’s my problem with New York coffeeshops. They’re fucking annoying. They’re trying too hard. And the people within them are also trying too hard.

Thanks New York for ruining one of my favorite spaces to go. May an asteroid come down and obliterate you all.

true blood

~ The Dark Horse