Tag Archives: panic attack

The Importance Of Having Role Models With Mental Illness



So, I just finished reading Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher, and it was actually a really great book!  One thing that i really loved was open and honest she was about her life.   She spoke so openly about her friend dying beside her in bed, and about how she used drugs to numb her intense emotions.   Granted, I don’t agree with a lot of what happened in her life (I don’t do drugs or drink, so the idea of my mom coming to me at age 13 and telling me to smoke up with her was incredibly strange), but that isn’t the point.


The point is that this woman is not only an amazing storyteller, but also shows one of the truest signs of overcoming your problems:  

The ability to talk openly and laugh about them! 




This then got me thinking about how great it was to hear someone be able to be so free, and so open.  And also, how great it felt to just know someone is out there talking about their mental illness and making waves in our culture!

And so then I set out to find other celebrities who have been open about mental illness (whether it be PTSD, panic, anxiety, depression), and some of the things I found were a bit shocking!


And the answer is, shockingly few.   I found a few articles on HuffPost and Buzzed and stuff, where a celebrity says they get “anxiety” (cough cough) about something every once in a while or some other kind of bullshit like that,  but none of it seemed to be what I live through.  For me, depression and anxiety are these massive weights that pull me down everyday.  They are always there and always trying to ruin me.  That is why Wishful Drinking was such a great read.   It wasn’t Amanda Seyfried talking for one paragraph about how she sometimes get upset thinking about her son possibly dying or something.  It was real, life-destroying mental problems, and I loved reading it!


So there needs to be more talk about this stuff I think.   Mental problems of all kinds: Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, Bi-Polar, Panic, all of it!   We need role models out there telling their stories.  Telling us it’s going to be ok.  Letting us know there is a life outside our issues.    I hope to be one of those voices someday.  I know it will be a rough and long road, but there is a severe lack of this kind of talk in our society, I hope to change that!

  • So what do you guys think?  Where do you stand with how society views mental illness and do you think we need more role models?  Or do you know of any great stories about mental illness to read?   Feel free to tell me everything in the comments!


~ The Dark Horse


(This was like 10% proofread!  ya baby ya!)







I Have Seen A Better Life (How To Overcome Depression)

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So, a few days ago I just got back from a three week trip to Asia.    And people, let me tell you;  It literally changed my life.  And I’m not saying this in some kind of 19-year-old-girl-who -just-did-a-study-abroad annoying way (because we all know how annoying they are).  Im saying this in a genuine truly deep and sincere way.

While in Asia we were on our feet all day, everyday.  Whether it was climbing waterfalls, hiking ridges, walking through cities, or simply enjoying a stroll along the beach with a coconut in hand.   During my time in Asia my depression and anxiety were completely gone.  Literally.


Like, Zero.  Nonexistent, Elvis Had Left The Building! 

And I think I know the answer as to why.    Here in Auckland Im not living.  I have a job that I hate and that honestly pays like shit. It isn’t what I want either.  My job is meaningless.  It isn’t challenging, nor is it creative, nor is it filled with adventure, nor does it change the world.  It is literally everything I dreaded that would happen to my life.  A stagnant meaningless pile of shit.

 I have no real friends here.

 I’m not in a relationship here.

So why am I here? 

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In Bali, one of the places we stayed on the trip (and probably the most life-changing).  There were rice farmers who, by western standards, make salve wages.

But you know what?  They’re so much more satisfied with this life than most of us in our well-payed Western Countries.   After their work day you would just see groups of friends laying on the side of the road talking.   Surrounded by their scooters and the stray dogs that roam much of Bali.    Talking.  Laughing.  Enjoying life.   They live in a horribly oppressive and corrupt country.  They literally earn pennies compared to what we earn.   But then you just look at them;  Their smiles.  Their joy of just living.    You can’t help but realize, that were the ones who are missing out in life.


From talking with many of the locals what I’ve learned about Balinese culture is that they have very intense and strong bonds with their families and friends.   Life for them isn’t a rat race like it is for us.  It isn’t about making money to get more material goods to impress your next door neighbors.   It isn’t about men buying sports cars to be the alpha male.  It isn’t about spending a thousand dollars on a Vegas trip so you can fuck some girl at the “coolest club in town”.

Life for them is still a very deep and personal one.

It honestly was beautiful.    We, as tourists, have completely changed Bali.   We have transformed parts of the coast into tourist playgrounds.   We fuel an illegal drug trade into the island, and certain tourists treat the locals similar to how the American South treated slaves.   They treat the locals like “the help”.   And despite all that, every local will smile at you.  They will wave.   If they know English they will even greet you with a “Hello”.

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Furthermore, it was an adventure.  Travel always brings out an increased sense of emotion.   Everything is so new.  So bright.  So vibrant.    It always brings out the inner-child inside of you.  That person that you’ve lost from the wave after wave of shit in your life.

So, I’m proud to say that I’m leaving New Zealand.   The day after I got back from my trip I told my job I was quitting.   Im going to be heading back to America for a few months to see family and gather my thoughts.  Then, I’m going to work towards a goal.  A goal I should have always worked towards because deep down its what I always knew I wanted. I was just too afraid to do it.

I want to do travel writing.   I love travel. I love the industry of travel: Airlines, airports, hotels.  I love the culture of travel:  Meeting all the new people and seeing all the new things.  I love the adventure of travel:  The good and the bad that creates life-long memories.

From there I would love to do Ted Talks and write books about mental illness.   Talk about how I struggle with mental illness but that I don’t let it stop me.  Because you know what people, WHY ARE WE LETTING IT STOP US????????

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Every day we don’t live our lives.   Every time we decide to not do something.   All because of mental illness….  Well, the mental illness wins.

Play this and then continue reading!

Just look at me.   In 2013 I was living in Australia and my depression, the depression I’ve lived with since I was 10, consumed me to the point where I broke out in anxiety.   Which led to health anxiety and agoraphobia.    I was collapsing on street corners.  I got fired from my job for being too mentally unstable.   At one point I couldn’t even leave my apartment. And look at me now:

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That photo is of me standing in Ubud, Bali looking out into the beauty of the world.

There is no reason for us to not live our lives.   Whats the worst that can happen?  We die?   Well listen up people, if we never live to begin with then were already dead inside.


You and me, were better than that.  We have experienced such intense pain in the world.   Pain a lot of people don’t get.   But you know what, if we have the capacity to feel intense pain, it also means we have the ability to feel intense joy.

And if you ever tell yourself you can’t do it, remember my words:


If I can go from almost dying in 2013 to traveling the world in 2015 then I guarantee you that you can make it through the day.   Its all about baby steps people.  One foot in front of the other.  Then suddenly, we start to move a bit quicker.   And quicker.   And then at one point you’ll look down and realize you’re running.   Faster than you ever thought possible.

As you look up, you’ll see you’re friends running beside you.   Maybe they’re old friends.  Or maybe they’re ones you haven’t met yet.  You are laughing.   You are smiling.   In front of you is that departure gate for your flight.   As you board the plane you’ll feel absolutely nothing but joy.   You’re about to take off.  Into the sun.   Into your new life.  A life of excitement, adventure, and the real you.

Fly High People!

~The Dark Horse

(And no this wasn’t proofread!  This was written with emotion!!! You can’t proofread emotion!  …Well I guess you could….but I didn’t!   BAM!)

Dealing with Mental Illness And Not Feeling Alone.



So dealing with mental health issues is probably one of the worst hells anyone can go through.   One of the reasons why its so bad is because nobody understands.  How many times have you guys tried talking about this with others and you’ve gotten some bullshit line like, “OMG me too!  I used to be depressed and I like totally get anxiety sometimes….”

In my head I simply pull out a pistol, but in reality I’m just like…”Ugh huh”.  And then I know to never talk to them about it again.    Unfortunately due to social stigma, people thinking were just drama queens, and just a complete lack of anyone being able to comprehend how its possible to live a life in pure misery…We almost always feel alone and isolated.



However, I have great news!   It is possible to feel like we are a community.   Support groups, counseling, and online communities can show us were not alone.    Yes it is true that we are statistically not the majority.    But hey, look at the commoners out in the world.  Would you really want to live in a blissful ignorance like them?   At least were able to feel emotion….granted they’re normally not good ones.  But hey, Id rather feel something than be numb.

For me personally this blog has helped me so much.   And I just want to say thank you for anyone and everyone who reads it, likes it, and comments on it.   You guys have no idea how amazing I feel when someone leaves a comment on a post.   It brings the biggest smile to my face.  Like one time I turned no my computer and saw this:

“I Just stumbled upon your page… Your words are like getting a hug on a rainy day. I am also an INFJ and a sagittarius. I had the same experience as you when I learned about it.. everything just fell into place. I am also living currently alone abroad..I have this feeling like I can finally breath again. But at the same time I have been thinking for quite some time about the fact that what I crave for is to find someone who would really see me, look past the mask, love me..to whom I could give my love to. Sometimes I just think it is an impossible wish.”


I think its amazing that through this anonymous blog people can feel so moved that they open up.   It is literally exactly what I hoped would happen by making this blog.




So what does it mean for you guys?

Well it means a few things:

1.)   You brighten my day, and hopefully I brighten yours.  Thats a win-win in my book and I think thats fucking awesome!

2.) If you’re feeling alone or isolated, pick up a hobby! This blog has been amazing for me because I love writing.   But think of your passion!  Always wanted to play an instrument?  get into fitness?  Travel the world and meet others while staying in a hostel?   GO FOR IT PEOPLE! 

3.)  Need help or inspiration?    Meetup.com is a great place to start.   There are literally groups in your area for honestly everything and anything.    Think thats weird or feel like you’ll be an outcast?   Go to a UFO observing night or people who want to meet up and hunt for Bigfoot…. I can guarantee you that everyone in those groups will be outcasts and therefore you’ve got nothing to worry about!

4.) Buddhist Temples are another great place to go.   These temples are usually open to anyone wishing to gain inner peace. Buddhists are really awesome with the whole not-judging-others thing and if you go and say you have no idea what you’re doing you’ll most likely find someone willing to give you a hand.

5.) If all else fails and you’re really struggling.   ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS call your local lifeline. I promise you from experience that they’re not just for suicide.  They are there for anyone going through an emotional crisis.  And if calling them up just to cry your ass off because you feel so alone THEN GUUUUUUUUURRRRRRLLLL YOU GO AND DO IT.  




Remember, there is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse

(Im pretty sure this was proofread… but Idk…. theres probably some mistakes here and there :p )

Suicide and “Its Just A Cry For Help” (But Can You Blame Them)



How many times have you heard someone say “people who cut themselves are just looking for attention”.   Or, “blah blah blah wasn’t gonna actually do it, it was just a cry for help”.


Then people proceed to see it like its something not worth dealing with.  Or that the suicidal person was just a drama queen looking for their oscar winning movie moment.


But perhaps we need to look at it from a new direction, and for anyone out there with depression or anxiety or any mental problems you know exactly what I’m talking about:



Any of you people out there who doesn’t have to go through this, you have no absolutely no idea how much pain we feel.



When people like us try to talk to normal people, what are we meat with?    The same few lines like some broken record:

1.)  Oh yeah I’ve hard some hard times too, you’ll get through

My dream response:  “hahaha…..I really hope the next time you’re on an airplane it crashes over the open ocean…. ”


2.) Yeah my friend has depression I totally get it…..

My dream response: “Well if thats all you say to your friend then I feel really bad for your friend”.


3.) Maybe you’re just focusing on the bad?  Have you tried meditating? 


My dream response:  (there would be no words, id just grab the nearest share object and go full blown psycho)




So to all you people out there who just think its all for attention, have you ever considered that maybe when those you know try talking to you and they get those response, maybe they learn to not share things with you anymore?

And maybe when they attempt suicide there are actually one of two reasons?

1.)  They literally can’t stand the idea of living any longer because of how painful it is? 

2.) And this is the one you really need to focus on,  maybe the cry for help was to finally make people around them understand how much the pain they feel really is?  

Ah yes, ever consider that?   Perhaps a lifetime of getting brushed to the side hurts people even more?

Maybe that suicide attempt was to finally make everyone around them make up.   Make them see the pain inside?

And when that happens, please do not respond with “it was just for attention”, or “oh they weren’t really going to go through with it”.  because what that makes you my dear, is a total cunt.


And to all of you out there who are feeling like you may try and take your life, or for anyone who is worried about someone who may, plead read on:



Press play and then keep reading!


There are some pretty dumb ways to die:


For example, this blog would advise to not invite Freddy Krueger for dinner 


Sadly, movies have lied to us all.  Bears are not like Baloo from the jungle Book. Therefore Poking bears is another idea that this blog would consider a dumb way to die.



Although the idea may sound like the ultimate adventure, this blog sadly informs you to never take off a spacesuit while in the vacuum of space because…well,  its the vacuum of space….


However, the dumbest way to die is by taking your own life.  Don’t do it.

If you are feeling unstable in any way, even if it isn’t suicidal, there are tons of resources out there!

Check out local helplines that are waiting to speak to you! Just google search “Depression help line”, “lifeline” or “Suicide hotline” and the search results with bring up numbers for your local area or country!

There is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse


Depression And Anxiety Ruining Your Life? Well Fuck That Shit Right Into The Groung!



So, you’re reading this blog post because you’re dealing with depression or anxiety?   Or maybe you’re going through something similar like Panic disorder?  PTSD?  Or really any mental issue driving you crazy?

Well, put on your white dueling glove, and get the fuck ready to dominate that little fucker.

Play this and keep reading:


Now.   What you need to remember is that these don’t actually control you… well, right now they do because you’re letting it.   But that doesn’t mean thats the way it always has to be.




For me, its because I’m living a life I don’t want.   I don’t get along with most people because I think they’re really shallow.  And I’m afraid to go for my dreams because I’m afraid ill fail.


But listen up sweet thangs’    Im done hiding, and Im done not being myself.   Its time for all of us to cowboy up.


Now ask yourself, what is the source?    Dig deep, and pull that shit to the surface.   Will it bring a panic attack?  ….maybe….Does thinking about it make you upset? …..probably…..

But what other choice do we have?

For me I’m going to go for my dreams.  Im going to start writing.   Im going to start applying for jobs that I fear I won’t get. And I’m going to keep looking for good friends.  But you know what?  Im done thinking I’m a failure.  Im done thinking I’m not worth it. And I’m done thinking it won’t happen.

Because really, where has that gotten me?


ok so I’ve told you my game plan.   Now whats yours?


Now, lets start small.  Start easy?   (although you know what, if you want to dive headfirst I don’t really see a reason why you can’t.  I mean were already fucked up messes, I can’t see how much worse we can get right?)

But if that isn’t for you thats fine.  dip your toe in the kiddy pool  BUT DO SOMETHING! 


Soon something should happen…. Im kind of right here with you guys so I can’t speak from experience (yet)  but this all seems like a good plan and such.

Now, lets do this shit!


Just remember.   Never give up.  Stand strong.   Kick ass.  You can do it! I have faith in all of you.

~the dark horse

Treat Your Mind Like A Garden


So I had this conversation with someone the other day and it was kind of eye-opening.

In my life I struggle with two main things:  First, is that my social life is a mess.  Ive never been on a date or been in love and Ive never really had any friends.   Secondly, I want to do something with my life.   Like something big!  I don’t want just a 9 to 5.  I want a job with meaning.  With value!  With excitement and challenge!


It seems like whenever I go hard and focus on one, the other falls apart.  And when the other falls apart, whatever I’m focusing on also falls apart.

This is how we talked about the garden analogy.


 He said, “Imagine your mind is like a garden. You have all these different plants.   Say, maybe only 5 even.    A Basil plant, a cucumber plant,rosemary, mint, and a tomato plant.   Now say you’re really focused on making your tomato plant grow and invest all your energy. in it. So you water it twice a day everyday and sit next to it and sing to it, constantly move it around so its always in perfect sun, and sprinkle miracle grow when necessary.

What happens to the other four plants? 

We have an immaculate tomato plant but are surrounded by a rotting garden.


Now its time to go cook ourselves a meal and what do we have? ….Tomatoes.  Thats what we have, and thats all we have.

So thats like life.    Its all about balance.   We can’t neglect parts of ourselves or our needs and obsesses over just a small portion because we will never get anywhere that way.

Don’t let yourself rot away because you haven’t been taking care of yourself!


So thats all for today.  short easy post, but very useful (at least for me)

Now pull those weeds, water your plants, and reap the benefits!

~ The Dark Horse