Tag Archives: panic

The Importance Of Having Role Models With Mental Illness

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So, I just finished reading Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher, and it was actually a really great book!  One thing that i really loved was open and honest she was about her life.   She spoke so openly about her friend dying beside her in bed, and about how she used drugs to numb her intense emotions.   Granted, I don’t agree with a lot of what happened in her life (I don’t do drugs or drink, so the idea of my mom coming to me at age 13 and telling me to smoke up with her was incredibly strange), but that isn’t the point.

 

The point is that this woman is not only an amazing storyteller, but also shows one of the truest signs of overcoming your problems:  

The ability to talk openly and laugh about them! 

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This then got me thinking about how great it was to hear someone be able to be so free, and so open.  And also, how great it felt to just know someone is out there talking about their mental illness and making waves in our culture!

And so then I set out to find other celebrities who have been open about mental illness (whether it be PTSD, panic, anxiety, depression), and some of the things I found were a bit shocking!

 

And the answer is, shockingly few.   I found a few articles on HuffPost and Buzzed and stuff, where a celebrity says they get “anxiety” (cough cough) about something every once in a while or some other kind of bullshit like that,  but none of it seemed to be what I live through.  For me, depression and anxiety are these massive weights that pull me down everyday.  They are always there and always trying to ruin me.  That is why Wishful Drinking was such a great read.   It wasn’t Amanda Seyfried talking for one paragraph about how she sometimes get upset thinking about her son possibly dying or something.  It was real, life-destroying mental problems, and I loved reading it!

 

So there needs to be more talk about this stuff I think.   Mental problems of all kinds: Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, Bi-Polar, Panic, all of it!   We need role models out there telling their stories.  Telling us it’s going to be ok.  Letting us know there is a life outside our issues.    I hope to be one of those voices someday.  I know it will be a rough and long road, but there is a severe lack of this kind of talk in our society, I hope to change that!

  • So what do you guys think?  Where do you stand with how society views mental illness and do you think we need more role models?  Or do you know of any great stories about mental illness to read?   Feel free to tell me everything in the comments!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

(This was like 10% proofread!  ya baby ya!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebuilding Your Life From Ground Zero

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Alright.   Im starting from scratch here people.  I’ve been back in my hometown…. working part time in retail….living at home…..

I have been a complete sack of useless shit.

Ive just been questioning everything about my life.   Regretting all of my past.   Dreading my future.   Hating my present.  Masturbating twice a day everyday is the only excitement Ive had the last few months… I have been pathetic.

Does anyone else know that feeling?  Anyone out there know what its like to want so much from life, but you’re just stuck in the craptastic shithole called your life?   You’ve dug yourself into a bad situation…. which is hard enough to get out of on its own…..but combine that struggle with trying to do all that with depression and anxiety…. and FUCK life sucks

But ok, Ive got a lead.  In January I’m going to start taking classes at Harvard.   So Ill be moving to Cambridge next month.   A chance to restart my life.  To do everything over again.

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A chance to learn new skills.  Make friends.   Move to a city with opportunity.

But Jesus fucking Christ I’m scared.  Im so scared that I’m going to fuck this up too.   That I will ruin everything.   That this won’t go well for me.     UUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

Ok my fellow Mentally Ill friends.   Does anyone know this feeling?   Its like Im so happy to have a new opportunity.  A chance to finally make things right.  To learn from my mistakes.   To finally start building a life that has meaning! ….And yet, where most people would be through the roof for this opportunity, I’m sitting here going:

~ I NEED TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST CASE SCENARIO BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAPPENS…AND QUITE REGULARLY 

~ WILL PEOPLE HATE ME?   WILL THE TEACHERS AT HARVARD THINK IM STUPID AND BENEATH THEM?

~ WILL I MAKE FRIENDS? 

~ WILL THIS BE ANY DIFFERENT FROM MY PAST ATTEMPTS? 

Well, I won’t know until I try right?

There really is nothing to do now but hope for the best, because negativity and dread hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life yet right?  So, lets open our arms and take a leap of faith.

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~ The Dark Horse

And no this wasn’t proofread because I was eating a sandwich while trying.   (it was a turkey reuben and it was delicious!)

When Life Continues To Give You Nothing But Lemons

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Oh life, you fickle little fuck. You just never know when to quit do you? So, Im working in retail right now. Which means this week (being Thanksgiving) should be the busiest of the year. And yet, Ive had 2 shifts cancelled this week. And I had a shift cut last week….

So now my parents are giving me a bunch of shit. Telling me what a failure I am. Being a 26 year old, living at home, who can’t even hold down a minimum wage job.

I talked to my boss yesterday, asking if Ive been a bad employee or if Ive been doing anything wrong, and she said no. It was just bad timing because she thought we were going to get a lot of shipment these last two weeks, and we didn’t. So she had to cut shifts.

Which still sucks, but at least I know I still have a job….

Still, doesn’t help me talking to my parents. They’re convinced Im a failure. And you know what? They’re kind of right. Im 26. Ive never had a “big boy job”. I can’t seem to ever find love. Nor can I manage to find long-lasting happiness.

This morning I told my dad I had a shift canceled and he responded with, “You don’t even have a job….”. I had to walk away and go back to my room because I was going to cry.

I have depression. I also have severe anxiety. They ruin my life. Times like these only add to the problem.

If I believed in God. In a higher power, and an afterlife, I would have killed myself by now. But you know what? There is no God. This is it people. There are no pearly gates waiting for us on the other side. Therefore, when the fake God above throws you nothing but lemons, you have no choice but to turn them into lemonade.

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Because we have no choice.

Im not going to give up. Im not going to believe that Im stupid. That I’m lazy. That I’m not worth things better than what I have right now. Because I know that isn’t true. I know I work hard. I know I really try. Have I burnt almost every bridge Ive ever crossed? Have I ruined so many situations because of my insecurities, low self-esteem, and belief that I wasn’t good enough? Yes, absolutely. Have I been too afraid to really try to live the life Ive always wanted? Yes.

But that all changes people.

IT HAS TO CHANGE

So look lemons you dirty bastards, Its lemonade time!

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I have been accepted for a Creative Writing Masters at the University of Denver.   So I know someone wants me.   On top of that, Ill find out December 2nd if I’m going to Harvard.    Im playing with some weak cards here and I understand that.

I know that with my history of constant failures, trying to pick up the pieces will be hard.   because who wants to take the chance on the underdog?   But, something’s gotta’ give at some point.   Think of celebrities like Kathy Griffin, or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory (Who is actually like 44 years old).  Some people don’t find success until later in life  (I really hope at least SOMETHING goes well for me before 44…. but hey, trying is all I can do).

I mean, hey, I got through all of last year, and I’m here…..

Keep trying, I know I will!

Depression and Weather

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So has anyone else out there noticed that your depression and weather seem to go hand-in-hand?     So right now in Ohio we’ve had like a 5-day cloudy streak.   Not a partly cloudy streak, or a rainy streak…. just thick thick grey clouds that don’t produce rain…..

The kind where the sun doesn’t ever break though.   And the entire world seems to be dimmed by the lack of sunlight.   I don’t even mind rain.  At least with rain you have the beauty of water falling everywhere.   The noise of life outside your window.    And if we’re really lucky we can get some thunder and lighting!  I feel oddly alive when there is a storm.   Also during a storm I feel like I actually have an excuse to just brew some tea and snuggle up and watch the rain if I so choose.

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Cloudy days however don’t give me that great feeling.    Cloudy days make me feel FUCKING HORRIBLE.  

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Like have any of you ever seen Melancholia?   Where Kirstin Dunst is so depressed she literally can’t even get out of the bathtub sometimes?   Yeah its like that…. (well ok not really that bad)  But still I feel horrible.  I can feel myself falling asleep at the gym.   I can feel myself being drowsy when I drive somewhere.  I can feel myself feeling lethargic from just standing up and doing anything.  So fuck you clouds, you dirty bastards.  Go away and stay away.

 

But to do when its cloudy outside?   Well going online, the advice seems shitty as fuck.  Apparently its a good idea to move to a warm sunny climate….. So thats right all you middle class people out there!    All you have to do is quit your job, leave your family, sell your house, somehow obtain a visa for Belize, and you’re good to go!   DUH ITS THAT SIMPLE PEOPLE! 

…..Yeah I know, crappy advice.

Another real gem is to buy one of those artificial sunlight lamps and to lay under it like you’re tanning…. apparently it tricks your mind into thinking its sunny or something?   But personally, I can’t see how sitting inside a room of your house during the day, under a lamp, would make me feel like anything besides a patient at the dentist.

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Although then again….the beach sounds like a better idea now doesn’t it?

For real though, when it comes to the weather I honestly have no idea how to feel better besides to just wait it out.    Does anyone out there have any good ideas?  Or tricks of your own?  If so, leave it in the comments section, id love to hear it!

~ The Dark Horse

Depression, The Hidden Killer

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So I’m back in hometown for a few months…. ugh the raging shithole only gets worse I tell ya.

 

Right now my hometown is going through a really fun heroin epidemic that is caused from people becoming addicted to opiates and then needing a stronger and stronger high.  What is happening is that they’re turning to heroin in desperation for bigger highs and then theyre have overdoses and dying.

good times.

 

So now myBut  hometown is having this massive campaign of like, “end the stigma of heroin recovery”.   “Go find help, people are there for you”.     “Here are heroin recovery stories” and all this stuff…. which look, is great.  I mean if you’re on heroin please get help.  Like seriously, you’re destroying yourself and most likely everyone around you.

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But at the same time I also can’t help but kind of be massively annoyed.    My hometown is very conservative.   Its a shithole in Ohio.  Most people are republican and the ones who are democrats aren’t actually that liberal.  They’re Ohio-level liberal which is still pathetically moderate.

So where am I going with all this?  Why am i rambling?

 

Well it just boggles my mind how growing up here I was always like, Hey I’m gay and getting beat up all the time for it.  My teachers watch and do nothing.  I really want to make movies and go write books to inspire people to be better.  To help people who are in a situation like mine.  I just really need someone to be there for me. I just need a friend.  A mentor.   Anyone who can see how much pain Im in all the time.   Anyone to make the constant harassment and loneliness end.

And I was just met with,  “Well its your own fault”.  “Stop drawing attention to yourself”.  “You chose to be gay, stop lying, God hates you”.  “You have no talent”.   “Nobody Likes you”.   “you’re not worth it”.

 

But apparently if you’re a heroin addict then my hometown will be there for you.   Stories in the paper about hope.  About not being ashamed to ask for help.   Free helplines to get immediate help.   Stories about asking your family for forgiveness and help.

How is heroin addiction this puffy inspirational story that seems like it was written by the Susan G. Koman foundation?   And yet if you’re actually struggling and begging for help you don’t get it?

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This is why depression becomes a cycle.   A vicious horrible cycle.   And I have a feeling you all know this cycle as well.   We know what its like for people to not care about us.  We know the story.  You ask for help and you’re told things like, “Oh its just a bad day, grow up”.  Or, “You’re a drama queen”, or whatever excuse the normal human uses to dismiss your problems.   So we adapt.  We stop telling people how horrible we feel.  We stop sharing our feelings.

WE STOP TRUSTING OTHERS

 

Then we go internal.   We are the sole responsibility of our misery and pain because everyone else has made in painfully clear that they don’t want to deal with it.

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Then people with depression have high rates of abuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, sex and gambling addiction, and even worse, suicide.

 

So dear world:

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE IN NEED OF HELP THAT PERHAPS WE WOULDN’T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS OF PEOPLE DYING OF HEROIN?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T TURN TO ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE PAIN AND THEN RAM INTO ANOTHER CAR WHILE SPEEDING HOME?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND TELL THEMSELVES THAT THIS IS THE DAY THEY CHOOSE TO DIE?

 

Hey, here is a side note to the common human, HAVE YOU EVER EVEN IMAGINED WHAT IT MAY BE LIKE TO ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOURE SO MISERABLE? 

 

So look people there is hope.  All major countries have lifeline and depression hotlines.

Here is a list of lifelines throughout the world  USE THEM!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

 

Don’t let yourself go.  Self harm of any kind isn’t worth it.  I know you’re feeling like people don’t care.  But allowing yourself to die because the commoner doesn’t care about you is terrible…. I mean come on… normal people suck.  They are so Plain Jane.   Don’t let their words effect you.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM, I KNOW YOU ARE

Is Your Job Making Your Mental Illness Worse?

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If you don’t like your job, then most likely it is.    For me, I hate my job.  I have been working at a phone company here in New Zealand…. yeah I know.. I moved across the world to work at a fucking phone company.

Shoot me now.

And it has caused me nothing but stress, depression, and anxiety.

We have had a bunch of problems in the company including a CEO who is total cunt, underpaid staff who quit within 5 months of being hired…which leads to constantly understaffed stores, management who got ahead because they know the CEO and not because they’re good workers…which creates management who doesn’t do their job, which finally has led to the loss of profit of the company, which then leads to a corporation in chaos and constantly blaming each other rather than figuring solutions to how they’re going to remain profitable.

So im quitting.

Thats right bitches.  my notice has been put in and I’m getting off the Titanic because I have a feeling its hit an iceberg.

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Now I keep asking myself, why didn’t I do this sooner?

And I think I know the answer:  GUILT

 Tell me if any of you guys have experienced any of these:   So were depressed and anxious right?   So naturally we want to make a change in our lives.   But what do we hear from others when we want to make a change?  things like,

~ Oh this job isn’t making you happy?  Why aren’t you just happy to be employed?  You know some people live in poverty and they would love to have your job.  You have no right to complain.  You have a roof over your head and food to eat.   You’re too dramatic.

~ When are you going to settle down?

~ Did you ever think that maybe you’re the problem?

~ Other people don’t seem to have the problems you have.  have you ever considered just sucking it up?

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Thats right people, according to everyone else, we are apparently the most spoiled, over-privaledged, whiney, cunts alive.

Well heres the deal:

  There are actually studies that have been that show people that we consider to be “poor little village savages” are actually happier than we are. They have stronger social bonds, stronger bonds to families, and less stress with their jobs.   On top of that, many more studies that question “happiest countries in the world” always get the same results:  Mostly The Liberal Countries.   Countries that have universal healthcare, cheap or free education, a livable minimum wage, safe communities, and job prospects.

America, my home country. Never makes the list.  EVER.  Why?  Because America is a rat race.  People feel no security in America and so they scramble for anything they can and then hold on tight because they don’t know any better.

I ask all those people out there who judge or question my life:  If money makes you happy, why does your job not make you happy?  Why do you need to smoke, or drink to make it through the weekend before you have to slug back to your cubicle?   Shouldn’t you be out tackling the world?

Furthermore, there are 3 major studies that rank the worlds most livable cities: Monocle, Mercer, and the EIU.  They rank cities based on public happiness, city facilities, amount of time residents have to spend at work.  The vibrance of the restaurants and cafes, safety, cleanliness, park space, and other factors.

America only ever gets 1 city: Portland.  Which literally ranks at 24 out of 25, AND THAT IS ONLY ON THE MONOCLE LIST.  No US city ever makes it on the list by Mercer or the EIU.

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So to all the people who I have grown up with telling me to get a job that pays and stick with because “thats what you do”.   Seriously, go fuck yourself.   

And for all of you out there who wish to make a change?  Remember, look at the lives of those who are telling you to not chase your dreams.  Are they the smartest people you know?  Are they the happiest people you know?   Do you want their life?

Because in my experience happy and smart people rarely ever tell people to not strive for something better.

Remember that.  I did.  And I’m making a change, and I’m so excited!

~ The Dark Horse