Tag Archives: panic

Depression and Weather


So has anyone else out there noticed that your depression and weather seem to go hand-in-hand?     So right now in Ohio we’ve had like a 5-day cloudy streak.   Not a partly cloudy streak, or a rainy streak…. just thick thick grey clouds that don’t produce rain…..

The kind where the sun doesn’t ever break though.   And the entire world seems to be dimmed by the lack of sunlight.   I don’t even mind rain.  At least with rain you have the beauty of water falling everywhere.   The noise of life outside your window.    And if we’re really lucky we can get some thunder and lighting!  I feel oddly alive when there is a storm.   Also during a storm I feel like I actually have an excuse to just brew some tea and snuggle up and watch the rain if I so choose.


Cloudy days however don’t give me that great feeling.    Cloudy days make me feel FUCKING HORRIBLE.  



Like have any of you ever seen Melancholia?   Where Kirstin Dunst is so depressed she literally can’t even get out of the bathtub sometimes?   Yeah its like that…. (well ok not really that bad)  But still I feel horrible.  I can feel myself falling asleep at the gym.   I can feel myself being drowsy when I drive somewhere.  I can feel myself feeling lethargic from just standing up and doing anything.  So fuck you clouds, you dirty bastards.  Go away and stay away.


But to do when its cloudy outside?   Well going online, the advice seems shitty as fuck.  Apparently its a good idea to move to a warm sunny climate….. So thats right all you middle class people out there!    All you have to do is quit your job, leave your family, sell your house, somehow obtain a visa for Belize, and you’re good to go!   DUH ITS THAT SIMPLE PEOPLE! 

…..Yeah I know, crappy advice.

Another real gem is to buy one of those artificial sunlight lamps and to lay under it like you’re tanning…. apparently it tricks your mind into thinking its sunny or something?   But personally, I can’t see how sitting inside a room of your house during the day, under a lamp, would make me feel like anything besides a patient at the dentist.


Although then again….the beach sounds like a better idea now doesn’t it?

For real though, when it comes to the weather I honestly have no idea how to feel better besides to just wait it out.    Does anyone out there have any good ideas?  Or tricks of your own?  If so, leave it in the comments section, id love to hear it!

~ The Dark Horse

Depression, The Hidden Killer


So I’m back in hometown for a few months…. ugh the raging shithole only gets worse I tell ya.


Right now my hometown is going through a really fun heroin epidemic that is caused from people becoming addicted to opiates and then needing a stronger and stronger high.  What is happening is that they’re turning to heroin in desperation for bigger highs and then theyre have overdoses and dying.

good times.


So now myBut  hometown is having this massive campaign of like, “end the stigma of heroin recovery”.   “Go find help, people are there for you”.     “Here are heroin recovery stories” and all this stuff…. which look, is great.  I mean if you’re on heroin please get help.  Like seriously, you’re destroying yourself and most likely everyone around you.



But at the same time I also can’t help but kind of be massively annoyed.    My hometown is very conservative.   Its a shithole in Ohio.  Most people are republican and the ones who are democrats aren’t actually that liberal.  They’re Ohio-level liberal which is still pathetically moderate.

So where am I going with all this?  Why am i rambling?


Well it just boggles my mind how growing up here I was always like, Hey I’m gay and getting beat up all the time for it.  My teachers watch and do nothing.  I really want to make movies and go write books to inspire people to be better.  To help people who are in a situation like mine.  I just really need someone to be there for me. I just need a friend.  A mentor.   Anyone who can see how much pain Im in all the time.   Anyone to make the constant harassment and loneliness end.

And I was just met with,  “Well its your own fault”.  “Stop drawing attention to yourself”.  “You chose to be gay, stop lying, God hates you”.  “You have no talent”.   “Nobody Likes you”.   “you’re not worth it”.


But apparently if you’re a heroin addict then my hometown will be there for you.   Stories in the paper about hope.  About not being ashamed to ask for help.   Free helplines to get immediate help.   Stories about asking your family for forgiveness and help.

How is heroin addiction this puffy inspirational story that seems like it was written by the Susan G. Koman foundation?   And yet if you’re actually struggling and begging for help you don’t get it?



This is why depression becomes a cycle.   A vicious horrible cycle.   And I have a feeling you all know this cycle as well.   We know what its like for people to not care about us.  We know the story.  You ask for help and you’re told things like, “Oh its just a bad day, grow up”.  Or, “You’re a drama queen”, or whatever excuse the normal human uses to dismiss your problems.   So we adapt.  We stop telling people how horrible we feel.  We stop sharing our feelings.



Then we go internal.   We are the sole responsibility of our misery and pain because everyone else has made in painfully clear that they don’t want to deal with it.



Then people with depression have high rates of abuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, sex and gambling addiction, and even worse, suicide.


So dear world:









So look people there is hope.  All major countries have lifeline and depression hotlines.

Here is a list of lifelines throughout the world  USE THEM!



Don’t let yourself go.  Self harm of any kind isn’t worth it.  I know you’re feeling like people don’t care.  But allowing yourself to die because the commoner doesn’t care about you is terrible…. I mean come on… normal people suck.  They are so Plain Jane.   Don’t let their words effect you.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM, I KNOW YOU ARE

Is Your Job Making Your Mental Illness Worse?


If you don’t like your job, then most likely it is.    For me, I hate my job.  I have been working at a phone company here in New Zealand…. yeah I know.. I moved across the world to work at a fucking phone company.

Shoot me now.

And it has caused me nothing but stress, depression, and anxiety.

We have had a bunch of problems in the company including a CEO who is total cunt, underpaid staff who quit within 5 months of being hired…which leads to constantly understaffed stores, management who got ahead because they know the CEO and not because they’re good workers…which creates management who doesn’t do their job, which finally has led to the loss of profit of the company, which then leads to a corporation in chaos and constantly blaming each other rather than figuring solutions to how they’re going to remain profitable.

So im quitting.

Thats right bitches.  my notice has been put in and I’m getting off the Titanic because I have a feeling its hit an iceberg.


Now I keep asking myself, why didn’t I do this sooner?

And I think I know the answer:  GUILT

 Tell me if any of you guys have experienced any of these:   So were depressed and anxious right?   So naturally we want to make a change in our lives.   But what do we hear from others when we want to make a change?  things like,

~ Oh this job isn’t making you happy?  Why aren’t you just happy to be employed?  You know some people live in poverty and they would love to have your job.  You have no right to complain.  You have a roof over your head and food to eat.   You’re too dramatic.

~ When are you going to settle down?

~ Did you ever think that maybe you’re the problem?

~ Other people don’t seem to have the problems you have.  have you ever considered just sucking it up?


Thats right people, according to everyone else, we are apparently the most spoiled, over-privaledged, whiney, cunts alive.

Well heres the deal:

  There are actually studies that have been that show people that we consider to be “poor little village savages” are actually happier than we are. They have stronger social bonds, stronger bonds to families, and less stress with their jobs.   On top of that, many more studies that question “happiest countries in the world” always get the same results:  Mostly The Liberal Countries.   Countries that have universal healthcare, cheap or free education, a livable minimum wage, safe communities, and job prospects.

America, my home country. Never makes the list.  EVER.  Why?  Because America is a rat race.  People feel no security in America and so they scramble for anything they can and then hold on tight because they don’t know any better.

I ask all those people out there who judge or question my life:  If money makes you happy, why does your job not make you happy?  Why do you need to smoke, or drink to make it through the weekend before you have to slug back to your cubicle?   Shouldn’t you be out tackling the world?

Furthermore, there are 3 major studies that rank the worlds most livable cities: Monocle, Mercer, and the EIU.  They rank cities based on public happiness, city facilities, amount of time residents have to spend at work.  The vibrance of the restaurants and cafes, safety, cleanliness, park space, and other factors.

America only ever gets 1 city: Portland.  Which literally ranks at 24 out of 25, AND THAT IS ONLY ON THE MONOCLE LIST.  No US city ever makes it on the list by Mercer or the EIU.


So to all the people who I have grown up with telling me to get a job that pays and stick with because “thats what you do”.   Seriously, go fuck yourself.   

And for all of you out there who wish to make a change?  Remember, look at the lives of those who are telling you to not chase your dreams.  Are they the smartest people you know?  Are they the happiest people you know?   Do you want their life?

Because in my experience happy and smart people rarely ever tell people to not strive for something better.

Remember that.  I did.  And I’m making a change, and I’m so excited!

~ The Dark Horse

Dealing with Mental Illness And Not Feeling Alone.



So dealing with mental health issues is probably one of the worst hells anyone can go through.   One of the reasons why its so bad is because nobody understands.  How many times have you guys tried talking about this with others and you’ve gotten some bullshit line like, “OMG me too!  I used to be depressed and I like totally get anxiety sometimes….”

In my head I simply pull out a pistol, but in reality I’m just like…”Ugh huh”.  And then I know to never talk to them about it again.    Unfortunately due to social stigma, people thinking were just drama queens, and just a complete lack of anyone being able to comprehend how its possible to live a life in pure misery…We almost always feel alone and isolated.



However, I have great news!   It is possible to feel like we are a community.   Support groups, counseling, and online communities can show us were not alone.    Yes it is true that we are statistically not the majority.    But hey, look at the commoners out in the world.  Would you really want to live in a blissful ignorance like them?   At least were able to feel emotion….granted they’re normally not good ones.  But hey, Id rather feel something than be numb.

For me personally this blog has helped me so much.   And I just want to say thank you for anyone and everyone who reads it, likes it, and comments on it.   You guys have no idea how amazing I feel when someone leaves a comment on a post.   It brings the biggest smile to my face.  Like one time I turned no my computer and saw this:

“I Just stumbled upon your page… Your words are like getting a hug on a rainy day. I am also an INFJ and a sagittarius. I had the same experience as you when I learned about it.. everything just fell into place. I am also living currently alone abroad..I have this feeling like I can finally breath again. But at the same time I have been thinking for quite some time about the fact that what I crave for is to find someone who would really see me, look past the mask, love me..to whom I could give my love to. Sometimes I just think it is an impossible wish.”


I think its amazing that through this anonymous blog people can feel so moved that they open up.   It is literally exactly what I hoped would happen by making this blog.




So what does it mean for you guys?

Well it means a few things:

1.)   You brighten my day, and hopefully I brighten yours.  Thats a win-win in my book and I think thats fucking awesome!

2.) If you’re feeling alone or isolated, pick up a hobby! This blog has been amazing for me because I love writing.   But think of your passion!  Always wanted to play an instrument?  get into fitness?  Travel the world and meet others while staying in a hostel?   GO FOR IT PEOPLE! 

3.)  Need help or inspiration?    Meetup.com is a great place to start.   There are literally groups in your area for honestly everything and anything.    Think thats weird or feel like you’ll be an outcast?   Go to a UFO observing night or people who want to meet up and hunt for Bigfoot…. I can guarantee you that everyone in those groups will be outcasts and therefore you’ve got nothing to worry about!

4.) Buddhist Temples are another great place to go.   These temples are usually open to anyone wishing to gain inner peace. Buddhists are really awesome with the whole not-judging-others thing and if you go and say you have no idea what you’re doing you’ll most likely find someone willing to give you a hand.

5.) If all else fails and you’re really struggling.   ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS call your local lifeline. I promise you from experience that they’re not just for suicide.  They are there for anyone going through an emotional crisis.  And if calling them up just to cry your ass off because you feel so alone THEN GUUUUUUUUURRRRRRLLLL YOU GO AND DO IT.  




Remember, there is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse

(Im pretty sure this was proofread… but Idk…. theres probably some mistakes here and there :p )

Universe, Throw Me A fuckin’ Bone




Ah, Universe, you fickle little fuck.   Does anyone else out there have those days where, even if you don’t believe in God, you still throw your first skyward and curse that little bastard in the sky?


yeah I do it too….


And you know what?   GO FOR IT BITCHES! 

Lets face it, when you are the outcast you literally have nobody who wants to hear your bullshit or who cares about your struggles.  So who gives a fuck if you decide to let it out on that man in the clouds.    There are one of two options here:

1.) God isn’t real so you’re not really pissing anyone off anyways

2.)  God is real, meaning he is a caring loving parental figure-thing who is all knowing and probably knows how shit you feel, and therefore probably gladly welcomes you yelling at him if it helps relieve the tension.


So why not?     Lets all do it because life is fucking hard.   Especially if you have mental illness, face being an outcast, or are all in life.



How I see it, that shit is stress relief.

Because lets face it, if we talk to other people the only response we will get is some shit like, “Oh, I’m sure its just a bad day….”

Which makes me want to go:




Just a little rant from the old dark horse


Hope you guys smile today!


~ The Dark Horse

(was this proof read?   This pst only had 240 words……of course it wasn’t)



Suicide and “Its Just A Cry For Help” (But Can You Blame Them)



How many times have you heard someone say “people who cut themselves are just looking for attention”.   Or, “blah blah blah wasn’t gonna actually do it, it was just a cry for help”.


Then people proceed to see it like its something not worth dealing with.  Or that the suicidal person was just a drama queen looking for their oscar winning movie moment.


But perhaps we need to look at it from a new direction, and for anyone out there with depression or anxiety or any mental problems you know exactly what I’m talking about:



Any of you people out there who doesn’t have to go through this, you have no absolutely no idea how much pain we feel.



When people like us try to talk to normal people, what are we meat with?    The same few lines like some broken record:

1.)  Oh yeah I’ve hard some hard times too, you’ll get through

My dream response:  “hahaha…..I really hope the next time you’re on an airplane it crashes over the open ocean…. ”


2.) Yeah my friend has depression I totally get it…..

My dream response: “Well if thats all you say to your friend then I feel really bad for your friend”.


3.) Maybe you’re just focusing on the bad?  Have you tried meditating? 


My dream response:  (there would be no words, id just grab the nearest share object and go full blown psycho)




So to all you people out there who just think its all for attention, have you ever considered that maybe when those you know try talking to you and they get those response, maybe they learn to not share things with you anymore?

And maybe when they attempt suicide there are actually one of two reasons?

1.)  They literally can’t stand the idea of living any longer because of how painful it is? 

2.) And this is the one you really need to focus on,  maybe the cry for help was to finally make people around them understand how much the pain they feel really is?  

Ah yes, ever consider that?   Perhaps a lifetime of getting brushed to the side hurts people even more?

Maybe that suicide attempt was to finally make everyone around them make up.   Make them see the pain inside?

And when that happens, please do not respond with “it was just for attention”, or “oh they weren’t really going to go through with it”.  because what that makes you my dear, is a total cunt.


And to all of you out there who are feeling like you may try and take your life, or for anyone who is worried about someone who may, plead read on:



Press play and then keep reading!


There are some pretty dumb ways to die:


For example, this blog would advise to not invite Freddy Krueger for dinner 


Sadly, movies have lied to us all.  Bears are not like Baloo from the jungle Book. Therefore Poking bears is another idea that this blog would consider a dumb way to die.



Although the idea may sound like the ultimate adventure, this blog sadly informs you to never take off a spacesuit while in the vacuum of space because…well,  its the vacuum of space….


However, the dumbest way to die is by taking your own life.  Don’t do it.

If you are feeling unstable in any way, even if it isn’t suicidal, there are tons of resources out there!

Check out local helplines that are waiting to speak to you! Just google search “Depression help line”, “lifeline” or “Suicide hotline” and the search results with bring up numbers for your local area or country!

There is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse