Tag Archives: progress

When Life Continues To Give You Nothing But Lemons

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Oh life, you fickle little fuck. You just never know when to quit do you? So, Im working in retail right now. Which means this week (being Thanksgiving) should be the busiest of the year. And yet, Ive had 2 shifts cancelled this week. And I had a shift cut last week….

So now my parents are giving me a bunch of shit. Telling me what a failure I am. Being a 26 year old, living at home, who can’t even hold down a minimum wage job.

I talked to my boss yesterday, asking if Ive been a bad employee or if Ive been doing anything wrong, and she said no. It was just bad timing because she thought we were going to get a lot of shipment these last two weeks, and we didn’t. So she had to cut shifts.

Which still sucks, but at least I know I still have a job….

Still, doesn’t help me talking to my parents. They’re convinced Im a failure. And you know what? They’re kind of right. Im 26. Ive never had a “big boy job”. I can’t seem to ever find love. Nor can I manage to find long-lasting happiness.

This morning I told my dad I had a shift canceled and he responded with, “You don’t even have a job….”. I had to walk away and go back to my room because I was going to cry.

I have depression. I also have severe anxiety. They ruin my life. Times like these only add to the problem.

If I believed in God. In a higher power, and an afterlife, I would have killed myself by now. But you know what? There is no God. This is it people. There are no pearly gates waiting for us on the other side. Therefore, when the fake God above throws you nothing but lemons, you have no choice but to turn them into lemonade.

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Because we have no choice.

Im not going to give up. Im not going to believe that Im stupid. That I’m lazy. That I’m not worth things better than what I have right now. Because I know that isn’t true. I know I work hard. I know I really try. Have I burnt almost every bridge Ive ever crossed? Have I ruined so many situations because of my insecurities, low self-esteem, and belief that I wasn’t good enough? Yes, absolutely. Have I been too afraid to really try to live the life Ive always wanted? Yes.

But that all changes people.

IT HAS TO CHANGE

So look lemons you dirty bastards, Its lemonade time!

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I have been accepted for a Creative Writing Masters at the University of Denver.   So I know someone wants me.   On top of that, Ill find out December 2nd if I’m going to Harvard.    Im playing with some weak cards here and I understand that.

I know that with my history of constant failures, trying to pick up the pieces will be hard.   because who wants to take the chance on the underdog?   But, something’s gotta’ give at some point.   Think of celebrities like Kathy Griffin, or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory (Who is actually like 44 years old).  Some people don’t find success until later in life  (I really hope at least SOMETHING goes well for me before 44…. but hey, trying is all I can do).

I mean, hey, I got through all of last year, and I’m here…..

Keep trying, I know I will!

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Dealing With Constant Setbacks (PART 1)

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So far into my move to Auckland very little has gone right.   Sickness, the one friend Ive made here is leaving in 5 days (Yeah, 2 weeks in and I’m already dealing with losing a potential friendship…go me), unemployment, and no place to live.

And now….I think I may be getting sick again.  Sick or just rundown, I’m not sure anymore.

So, I’m thinking setbacks will always be there.   This dream of everything going right; This dream that one day things will be good forever….I don’t think that will exist.

Struggles and problems will constantly be thrown at us.  And especially for anyone out there with depression, anxiety, or panic.   We will always be dealing with problems that nobody else is.  More severe problems.

But what can we do?

Well honesty nothing.

I don’t think our goal is to prevent problems from happening because I don’t think that will ever happen.  I think our goal is to weather the storm.  Our goal is role with the punches.

Might I even say something very cliche and Disney-esque?

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Perhaps we need to be steady as the beating drum?

Why fight the whats already coming right?  Pocahontas’s father told her that:

“As the river cuts his path, though the rivers proud and strong, he will choose the smoothest course”  

Maybe we are all just fighting too hard?  Maybe when other people tell us we need to calm down and smell the roses…maybe they’re right?

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Should we all just take a chill pill?

~ The Dark Horse

Cant Sleep At Night, But Feel Dead During The Day?

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Is this you at night hen you’re trying to sleep?  CANT NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU WANT TO?

But During the day you’re like this?

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Are you up all night because you’re thinking of tomorrow?  Of further into the future? Or maybe you’re reliving moments from your past that you regret?   Or maybe you’ve gone full blown crazy like me and just start worrying that you’re heart will stop or that maybe you can feel a tumor or something in your leg?

 

Well up until about last week I was doing the same thing.   I have been slowly getting better, and believe me its been hard!   Trying to sleep when you think you’re entire life is falling apart is not something you can easily accomplish.  The truth though is realizing that life isn’t falling completely falling apart!  There is no real danger just around the corner and if there is…. if tomorrow you’re going to fail that test even though you studied for hours, or if you really are going to have a heart attack in the middle of the night.. well it sounds like its gonna happen anyways.  You can try to fight it, but if you’ve done all you can and fate still has it against you… well then.. thats just fate.  Worrying won’t do anything anyways.

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But in reality there is no danger up ahead!  You’re not going to fail nor are you going to die. This was the realization I had to force myself to recognize to keep me from going crazy every night of the week… seriously, I was going crazy.  But I had just to accept that if bad stuff was coming it was coming given that I was doing EVERYTHING to prevent.  I wasn’t doing anything that would get my heartbeat up, I was living way too safely, and checking my vitals nonstop.

My therapist can tell you, I was bats shit crazy.

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But this past month Ive made so much progress.   Just letting life happen.  (honestly its been harder than you may think!)

And I think thats been the main trick Ive been using.  Saying to myself, YOURE GOING TO BE FINE!  To quote Fiona Apple, “Whats happened has happened and whats coming is already on its way with a role for me to play”

Being afraid of bad things happening all the time means you’re afraid to live life, and once you become afraid to live life, well who cares if bad things were going to happen? You’ve already.  So just stop!  Tell yourself, to just try to embrace the moment.

And it won’t come easily or fast.  But slowly, you’ll get there.  Life can return!

~KEEP GOING!

the dark horse

What Am I Looking For?

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So, here I am, living in Melbourne…looking to do things Ive never done before and looking to finally find some happiness and…I hate to be so annoying and stuff but, I think I’m ready for that…. i think Im ready for love.  

So there is this boy that Ive been talking to and he has been driving me completely crazy.  I don’t know if he likes me how I like him and I keep telling myself thats fine.  

That its better this way because there is less chance of me getting hurt

But in reality…I’m lying.

I want to be in love.  Im ready to find someone who cares for me and whom I care for in return.  Im ready to be completely open and spill my beans to someone, and I want someone to do the same with me.

I want to open my life to someone, as well as be welcomed with open arms into someone else’s life.

i want to look at my phone and smile when i see they’ve texted me, and I want them to smile when they see I’ve texted them too….

 

Yes, I am annoying I know… but hey, its progress right?

~ In Love and Pain,

The Dark Horse

(PS- as always, this post isn’t proof read, sorry!) 

But in reality, I’m lying to myself