Tag Archives: sad

I’m Getting Paid to go to Mexico!

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So, major, major things are happening! 

I moved to NYC recently to start interning, and since moving here, everything is just booming! One of my internships is at a travel magazine. In February I started blogging for them, which turned into writing articles for the website, and I helped edit the last issue, which means my name got printed in the magazine’s Masthead…That’s right, my name…..IN PRINTIN A MAGAZINE! (Can I officially start referring to myself as writer now?  Have I “made it” ? )

And now, I’m working on my first feature article to get published in the print magazine, AND I just found out I’m taking what’s called a press trip to Mexico.

I never knew what a press trip was.

I never knew how much money could be spent by companies. It’s literally mind-boggling.  As someone who has spent my entire life bored out of my mind working in restaurants and retail, working 9 hour days only to have a 30 minute break, just to make 8 dollars an hour…. It’s seriously fucking crazy. Our magazine is sent gifts ALL THE TIME by places and companies wanting us to write about them.

And a press trip is where a tourism company, hotel, or airline, PAYS REPORTERS TO TRAVEL THERE in exchange for having an article written about it.

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So….

I get to travel.

AND GET PAID. 

Is this even real life?

 

People around the world, listen to me. Hard work actually does pay off. I spent so many years thinking I’d be bored and miserable forever. Thinking I wasn’t good enough for a job I loved. Thinking I wasn’t smart enough to make my dreams come true.

I didn’t start grad school until I was 27. I won’t walk and receive my diploma from Harvard until I’m 30.

And up until I got back in school, my life was a raging shitshow (as any of you will know if you’ve been reading my blog before then)

I was a late bloomer. Depression, loneliness, anxiety, self-doubt, and self-hatred controlled my life since I was 10 years old.

…since my life went to hell.

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But you know what, I didn’t give up.  And if any of you out there feel like you’re the outcast, or feel hated, or even if you hate yourself – It can get better. 

Hope is real. And hope can get you through.

And I know it’s hard. I fully understand that believing in yourself, when all you hear your entire life is how shitty you are, is basically fucking impossible. It takes so much strength. So much hardship. So much perseverance.

But it’s so worth it.

You deserve happiness. You deserve success. You deserve it all.

 

So the next time some bitch comes along and tries to put you down, rock some hardcore Miranda Priestly realness…

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And remember…

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You’re better than them.  You always were.

 

Travel on my friends,

The Dark Horse

 

(This was written out of passion, not logic! So, no, this wasn’t proofread)

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Being Near People Helps With Depression

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So, its a well known fact being around other people can really help with depression….however, it also seems to be a fact that so many of us fail to realize.  Perhaps its because when were feeling down all we want to do is just lie under the covers.  Or we don’t want to have to pretend to be happy around others.  Or maybe its even just that in our depressive lows we feel so disconnected from other humans that we ourselves don’t even feel human.

I put this to the test tonight (right now in fact) and I have to admit, it works.

So my day started out pretty well. I went to the gym this morning and then met my friend in the city for lunch.   What was supposed to be me and my friend hanging for the day turned into just an hour for lunch and then he went home because he was hungover.   So there I was, its 3pm and I’m bored with nothing to do for the rest of the day.

So I wandered around the city for another hour.

Then I come home and I cook a really intensive dinner (because what else do I have to do?)

Then I started watching a movie….

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But then about 40 minutes into the movie I got restless.  I’m home alone watching a movie when everyone else is out having a fun night.

So I make some tea and wander around the apartment.  Clean a bit.   Do some dishes.  Hate my life…..think about how lonely I am…. start the dishwasher…. dread the idea of my life being like this forever…wipe the counter…. endlessly wonder why I have to be so different from everyone else….

 

Then before I know it, Im in my bed with the lights turned off and the door closed at 8pm.

FUN FUCKING TIMES, LET ME TELL YOU

My flatmate comes home and turns on all the lights in the living room and turns on the TV and I can tell he’s watching Transformers.    So my initial thought is, “Well this is fucking great now my apartment is noisy and bright, God fucking damn everything!”

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**This is an accurate representation of my face when he came home**

But then I sat there and was like… wait a second??? Didn’t I want this all along?  To not be alone?    To not be stuck by myself?

So I decided I was going to muster the energy to just sit in the living room.  Wasn’t going to start a conversation, or anything.   Just sit and whip out my computer and just be in the presence of life.

And it worked!

Im writing this to you feeling much better.  We’ve talked a little, but he’s on his iPad, I’m writing this, and the TV is on.  Its just nice to know you’re not stuck alone.   To have some kind of other aura there to feel.  To not feel destitute and not feel so isolated.

Right now were chatting about the movie Galaxy Quest.

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If you’ve never seen it I totally recommend a watch!

 

Ok well thats it for tonight!  No big life lesson or ground-shaking revelations… just a friendly reminder to keep yourself social and active.  Its the key to killing off depression!

 

~ The Dark Horse

Lets Take The Time To Reinvent Ourselves

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So, im sick   (Confetti falls from the sky as women release doves into the air).  When I’m sick I feel like absolute shit.

As if hating my life and feeling like a depressive failure isn’t enough, being sick adds that extra little touch.   You’re too weak and tired to change your life.  Your throat hurts, you can feel what doctors call “post nasal drip” which in reality is literally when so much snot forms in your nose that it has nowhere else to go rather than sliding back down into your throat (its one of the reasons why your mouth constantly has that foul aftertaste in it all the time when you’re sick.   Its because its filled with snot).

The picture above is Jerri Blank.  She is a self described, boozer, user, and loser.  She is the star of the short-lived but highly addictive show Strangers With Candy.   In that show she dropped out of high school as a teenager to become a hooker, a user of all drugs, and a complete blow out.

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Now, at 46, she decides drop her junkie past and to go back to school and restart her life.

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So why am i bringing up this delightful little ex-con and true role model for children everywhere?

Because thats how I feel, and I think thats how we will all feel.

Ive had a rough month.  I made a really intense friendship and sadly he is backpacking and no longer here.  I dropped a friendship that was insanely toxic to me.  I started back at the gym (for the first time in 5 months).  I was tired of my job that Im only working at for the money and have gone part time to look for better things.   All of that on top of the everyday things I think about:  MY PAST AND WHY DID IT ALL GO SO WRONG?  MY PRESENT AND WHY IS EVERYTHING STILL SO WRONG?   AND MY FUTURE:  WILL EVERYTHING ALWAYS BE WRONG? 

Can any of you relate to that? because I think you can.  Most of us with depression, anxiety, panic, or any kind of trauma already live with a life filled to the brim with stress and misery.  So once life throws you a big month….. you’re just bound to sink, and sink I did people… sink I did!

So here I am, worn out, tired, and sick.   In essence, I look and feel like this:

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But here is the beauty my friends!   (and I do believe this quote is from the Scooby Doo move)

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If you’ll recall from the Scooby Doo movie, it begins when the team has already broken up and have all been called separately by a mysterious Mr. Mondavarious. When they arrive on the dock of Spooky Island and meet him and hear about the spooky mystery they inform him the team is no longer together and that solving mysteries was in the past.

Hearing this Mr. Mondavarious says: No, what brought you here was your insatiable appetite for a juicy mystery.

Freddy replies with: The truth is, Mr. Mondavarious, Mystery Inc is broken up.

Mr. Mondavarious responds with:  That’s the beauty of something broken. It can be fixed, and therein lies its potential.

 

So here we are.  Broken. The light is a mere dim fickle flicker.  Energy dwindling.   And there is Jerri Blank.  a 46 year old ex-hooker who used to get fucked by donkeys as a sort of “freakshow” act in Mexico to make money for drugs.

So if that bitch can get her ass back in high school, then dammit we can sort our shit out too!

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Thats right people! feast your eyes on our new role model!

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So how do we do it?  How do we get to the point where we can rebuild and reinvent? Well since I’m sick I’m doing a lot of lounging around.  A lot of reading, and watching movies.  And I’m gonna be honest with you….its really helping

 

I don’t know how it is for you, but a good move can make me feel so much better.  It can really help me re-orient myself.   It can make me smile, make me think, make me different.   Last night I watch Tuck Everlasting.   It was so good and was exactly what i needed

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For those of you who have never seen it, its about a family who has found everlasting life, and one girl who find them in the woods and has to decide if she wants to drink from the fountain of youth.

 

In the movie, the father of the Tuck family tells Winnie, “Don’t be afraid of death Winnie, be afraid of the un-lived life”.

For years that line has always been in my head because I think that is my fear.  I watch my life drift away rather than actually living it.  Im a prisoner to my mind rather than the controller of it .

 

So I know this has been a long post.  To recap remember,

~ YOU CAN DO IT!

~ DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!

~ RETHINK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR VALUES AND THEN THINK IF YOURE LIVING BY THEM

~RELAX AND HAVE FUN!

 

Alright Jerri Blank give us a good inspirational quote to go out on!

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….wow thanks for not being helpful at all.

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..dammit Jerri!

~ The Dark Horse

Down The Rabbit Hole of Depression

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We all know that feeling.   One bad thought becomes two, which kind of brings your mood down.  Then you get tired that you’ve been put in a bad mood and suddenly you get a little annoyed and more bad thoughts enter your head.

In about 5 minutes your day is ruined and you are depressed mess.

And if any of you are like me you get an extra little bundle of fun added on top of that! When you start to get really depressed suddenly the fun symptoms of panic and anxiety come knocking and its a full blown party in your head!

We have just fallen down the rabbit hole.

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Yes thats right, most people need a fuck ton of drugs and a double-feature of Requiem For a Dream and The Human Centipede to feel the intense hell we all experience daily.  

But at the end of the day think about it….. doesn’t that kind of make us kick ass?

I mean we all experience emotions and feelings that a majority of the human population can’t even begin to handle or deal with.  We are stronger than them

We live through hell, and we do it all while smiling and putting on a show for the common man who is completely oblivious to what we are feeling.

They don’t understand the love we are missing in our lives.  The feelings of safety we never get to experience.   They have no idea what it is like to stay up until 2am every night trying to fight off the bad thoughts.  The thoughts of dread.  The thoughts of ending our lives, or wondering how we will make it through the next day.  But most importantly, the thoughts they don’t know about are our fantasies about what life could be.  The happiness we could have.  The fact that NONE OF US HAVE ENDED OUR LIVES YET BECAUSE WE HOPE AND DREAM THAT TOMORROW MAY BE BETTER. 

They don’t get that.  They don’t get how desperate we all are for a better tomorrow.

To find someone who isn’t afraid to be near us.

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So I just want all of you to remember next time, that you are strong.  Going down the rabbit hole and living to tell about it isn’t an easy thing.  it isn’t something most people can even imagine.

So remember your strength, and use it to be better.  To get better.

And to rock out in your life because sadly, 70 or 80 years go fast.  Why waste em?

~ The Dark Horse

Smash The Mirror (Oh Yeah, Were Going There!)

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I love these posts.  This is where I talk about overcoming depression, panic, and anxiety by letting your crazy self shine through!   Oh yes thats right!  All that rage you have.  All that sadness you have.  All the desperation.  Use it AGAINST your problem!  Its actually a lot of fun! 

So today the example I’m going to use is The Who’s TOMMY. Have you ever seen?  Its fucking insane!  So, brief rundown for you.  Tommy is deaf dumb and blind but somehow is amazing at pinball, he makes his family super rich from it, his parents worry about him thought, even get jealous.  He becomes somewhat of a profit and so on.  Look… theres a lot going on in that movie.  Its hard to explain. The whole movie is available on YouTube and is worth watching.

Ann Margret plays Tommy’s mother.  And she becomes increasingly mad the he is transfixed on this mirror.  Somehow this mirror has a hold on Tommy even though he seemingly has no senses.  So Ann Margret goes apeshit crazy and ends up throwing Tommy through the mirror and when she does he is able to hear, speak, and feel.  

So lets creak this down.

We are TOMMY.

Our problems (whatever yours is) Is the MIRROR

and what we need to do is unlock our inner ANN FUCKING MARGRET

Sound crazy?  Oh you bet! And thats why it works!

meet your newest ally in war.  Allow me to introduce….

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Crazy-ass Ann Margret.   Oh hell yes! 

Actually before going any further.  Watch the scene on YouTube… its under 2 minutes.  

Did you see that hair whip?  She literally beats him with her hair!  Thats amazing!

YES!

Ok so its time to show it your boss.  You are in charge.  And you’re willing to do anything to save Tommy (yourself) from the magnetic pull of the mirror (your problem).  Because its the only way to carry on with life. 

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That mirror that has transfixed you.  What has it done?  Yes its there.  Yes it shows you an “image” of yourself.  But is that a real image?  Is it true? Or is it altered.  is the mirror showing you only bad images of the past?  maybe fabricated stories of what COULD but probably WONT happen in the future?  Maybe its one of those mirrors thats always adding twenty pounds on even though they’re not really there.  Maybe it shows you as someone who is weak when really you’re strong?  

We all have that mirror showing us something different but why dwell on it?  It really doesn’t matter anymore because in the seconds Ann Margrets crazy ass is about smash that shit! 

So say goodbye to that old you.  To that distorted image the mirror shows and get ready for the WHOLE AMAZING WORLD THAT SITS BEYOND IT! 

 

Now, my dear Ann Margret, were ready for you to do your deed.  

Say goodbye to that mirror thats held you back and let it know it can rot in hell.

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Its a big bright world out there.   Take a pair of sunglasses and see what it has to offer!

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Never give up and never proofread! (… well, if you want to go to college, you probably should)

THE DARK HORSE 

 

 

Easter. Or, How To Handle Another Holiday Alone

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Awww, don’t those bunnies look so cute and happy? …yeah, fuck them.

So here we are, its Easter and I’m alone again.  Living in a different country has been hard, but I honestly will say the hardest part is the being alone for holidays.   It is awful.  But, gonna muster through.  Gotta muster through.

One thing I will say about this is that I am SOOOOOOOOO looking forward to the next holiday Im at home for.  Hopefully Christmas, and maybe 4th Of July.  I have to admit, I will actually enjoy the day. I will enjoy being around my family and I won’t take it for advantage. 

~ Little side note here ->  Living in a different country has taught me to appreciate my family in general.  not being able to even call them or anything really makes me understand how hard some people have it.  I mean to have dead parents, or parents who are in jail, or just not there for whatever reason… it really must take a huge toll out of peoples lives. I have grown and learned to appreciate them so much more now.

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Ugh… the cuteness of these photos are enough to drive some to murder

 

But anyhow, lets talk about surviving the day while feeling lonely.  Its something we all go through, and some of us have that magical ability to feel alone, even when were around people.  So, lets talk loneliness in general.  

Today to make myself feel better I took a long shower… like a really long shower.  The kind that I’m sure makes environmental scientists want to hunt me down.  But there is something so soothing and calming about a shower. Also I have an iPod player that I hook up in my bathroom so i can listen to music in the shower and that makes it soooo nice.  I recommend everyone do that.  (Look its a holiday.  Holidays are the worst days to be alone, normally, I’m all about being eco-friendly, but today, fuck it.  fuck it all.  Pamper yourself till your skin is so pruned and gross you wanna vomit)

Also, Im going to watch a movie tonight.. a sappy one.  Which? Im not sure, but i guarantee its going to be a movie so annoyingly sappy that I will be embarrassed to say it later on.  But again, its a holiday.  Its all about doing things to make yourself happy and get through the day. And if that means you gotta watch a movie like Love Actually or Charlie St. Cloud then DO IT and grab a slice of cake while you’re at it!  

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Oh yeah, Elle Woods… I know, I know.   

This is what my night will look like.  Ill be on the couch, eating sweets… and most likely yelling at the TV.  Oh hey thats another thing that helps!  Yell at the TV! When you’re feeling down and you’re watching whatever sappy movie you choose, feel free to yell at the screen!  Like in Love Actually when that guy who plays Snape cheats on Emma Thompson.  be all like, “DUDE SNAPE!  YOURE A FUCKING IDIOT!  YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANYONE BETTER THAN HER”  and that will make you feel a bit better.

 

ok so lets review,  Were going to:

WATCH SAPPY MOVIE

EAT SWEETS (I recommend cake and pie)

YELL AT OUR TELEVISIONS

HAVE AN UNNECESSARILY LONG SHOWER JUST CUZ WE CAN

hoppy easter bitches, The Dark Horse