Tag Archives: starting over

The Trouble of New Beginnings When You Have Depression and Anxiety

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So, I just finished my first week at my internship in television.  And it was exciting, and crazy, and hard, and stressful, and a total learning experience.

But, looking back now that the week is over, I’m like… WAS IT ACTUALLY HARD? OR WAS IT JUST MY ANXIETY? 

 

For example, I was told to do some media monitoring. That’s where you scan various news outlets to see if your shows are getting publicity and mentions and such. When you make your report, you put the news outlet’s name, followed by a forward slash, and then the date.

I had put the news outlet, then a space, then a forward slash.

My boss was like, “I’m a stickler for formatting, so next time, no space between the outlet’s name and forward slash.”

And then I was like..

OH MY GOD. I FAILED!

I PUT A SPACE BEFORE THE FORWARD SLASH! 

OH GOD…..I’LL NEVER GET A REAL JOB! 

By 10am, I was doing a full-blown Anne Hathaway, wondering why my dreams will never be…

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But now I’m kinda like… I suppose it’s possible that I may have been being slightly, but just ever-so slightly…. a drama queen. 

It was my first time doing media monitoring, and my boss knows that.  And adding a space isn’t the same as me just not being able to function. And looking back, I don’t even think my boss sounded mad.

 

BUT THEN…..

 

I had to write a press release for an upcoming show.  A REAL PRESS RELEASE FOR A SHOW THAT WILL AIR ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! A PRESS RELEASE THAT WILL BE READ…BY THE PRESS!  Like, THE PRESS. 

Entertainment Weekly. Variety. People Magazine. TV Guide. The Chicago Tribune. The New York Times. Those places, along with every other news outlet in America (And Canada) will be sent this!!!!!

I was like, Oh my God if I fuck this up it’s all over.

I’m done.

Life destroyed.

I’ll be unemployed.

I’ll become homeless.

I’ll have to sell my teeth for money, and then get Hepatitis C and die.

Oh my God, I need anther Anne Hathaway GIF,   NOW!!!!!!!!!

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I think Anne is the only person who truly understands my struggles.

 

So, I’ve sent my draft of the press release to my boss, and we’re going to go over it on Monday.

SO, OK SURE. SHE HASN’T ACTUALLY SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT IT…. YET.

But there’s always a chance that could ruin it!

I mean, it was my first major press release after all.

Do you think she’ll understand that?

Oh lord, here comes the sweats… I’m such a failure. I’m going to die.

This is it! Goodbye cruel world!

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OR, IS THIS ALL JUST ANXIETY?

 

I mean, new beginnings are hard. For everyone. Anytime you have to learn something new. Or be in a new place. Surrounded by new people. There’s always going to be a learning curve. You’ll never be completely perfect right off the bat when you’re in an unfamiliar area, doing new and unfamiliar things.

That’s just life.

But when you have depression and anxiety, making those little mistakes (what normal humans probably consider “learning”) can be really hard on us. We dwell on them. We worry about them.

Or, with the press release example, we can worry without even hearing anything bad! It’s that unknowingness that gets us. We want to be assured that we’ve done good.

That we’re safe. 

When you have depression and anxiety, instant gratification is a gift… A gift that life rarely provides.

And we have no choice, but to soldier through. We have to brave our fears.

Keep Calm

And

Carry On.

We can’t let our depression and anxiety ruin new opportunities for us. Stress and sadness will accompany us during our new exploits. But, we need to be strong. Because the payoffs that you get from taking a chance is work.

Great things come from taking risks.

So let’s take em!

Need some inspiration?

Ok watch this:

In Ohio we have a theme park called Cedar Point. The tallest ride is called the Top Thrill Dragster. It’s so tall, and requires so much energy to create enough thrust to make it over the hill, that if the weight in the train is off (like, if you have a train full of short, thin people, or a train full of overweight people) the weight imbalance causes an acceleration problem and causes the car to not make it over the hill, AND THE ROLLS BACKWARDS TOWARDS THE STATION WHERE THE OTHER TRAIN IS BEING LOADED WITH PEOPLE! 

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So… if you’re about to embark on something new, and are scared. Just remember… things can be much, much scarier!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

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Rebuilding Your Life From Ground Zero

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Alright.   Im starting from scratch here people.  I’ve been back in my hometown…. working part time in retail….living at home…..

I have been a complete sack of useless shit.

Ive just been questioning everything about my life.   Regretting all of my past.   Dreading my future.   Hating my present.  Masturbating twice a day everyday is the only excitement Ive had the last few months… I have been pathetic.

Does anyone else know that feeling?  Anyone out there know what its like to want so much from life, but you’re just stuck in the craptastic shithole called your life?   You’ve dug yourself into a bad situation…. which is hard enough to get out of on its own…..but combine that struggle with trying to do all that with depression and anxiety…. and FUCK life sucks

But ok, Ive got a lead.  In January I’m going to start taking classes at Harvard.   So Ill be moving to Cambridge next month.   A chance to restart my life.  To do everything over again.

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A chance to learn new skills.  Make friends.   Move to a city with opportunity.

But Jesus fucking Christ I’m scared.  Im so scared that I’m going to fuck this up too.   That I will ruin everything.   That this won’t go well for me.     UUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

Ok my fellow Mentally Ill friends.   Does anyone know this feeling?   Its like Im so happy to have a new opportunity.  A chance to finally make things right.  To learn from my mistakes.   To finally start building a life that has meaning! ….And yet, where most people would be through the roof for this opportunity, I’m sitting here going:

~ I NEED TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST CASE SCENARIO BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAPPENS…AND QUITE REGULARLY 

~ WILL PEOPLE HATE ME?   WILL THE TEACHERS AT HARVARD THINK IM STUPID AND BENEATH THEM?

~ WILL I MAKE FRIENDS? 

~ WILL THIS BE ANY DIFFERENT FROM MY PAST ATTEMPTS? 

Well, I won’t know until I try right?

There really is nothing to do now but hope for the best, because negativity and dread hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life yet right?  So, lets open our arms and take a leap of faith.

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~ The Dark Horse

And no this wasn’t proofread because I was eating a sandwich while trying.   (it was a turkey reuben and it was delicious!)