Tag Archives: stress

My Teacher Was A Bitch (Or, Dealing With Unsupportive People)

snoot

 

So, I’m a creative writing major, and this summer I was in one of the intensive workshops for crafting the short story.    I went in bright and starry eyed and excited to make stories that made people laugh and smile (That is after all, what I want my writing to do).

For those of you who don’t know how writing workshops go, let me explain.  You’ll write a story, and then hand it in.  The next week everyone comes back after they’ve read your story and they spend an hour telling you everything they liked and hated about it.  It can be a horrible depression moment if you find out you’ve written a bad story that had plot holes or unclear meanings.

 

So anyways, the second story I wrote for the summer was one that was really close to my heart.   I talked about growing up, and all the bad things that happened to me, and I interwove those flashbacks with a story about how I once had to take care of a dying manatee in Florida (true story).   The story hinges around the fact that a really cute guy was paired with me to take care of the dying manatee.  Me and him ended up becoming friends, and I kind of maybe had a crush on him, and it was the first time a straight guy had ever talked to me in my life.  I was shocked that an attractive straight male would ever talk to me.  It really brought me out of my shell!   So, the whole irony and humor of it is that as the manatee was dying, I saw myself finally starting to live.

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Basically, the entire class said they loved the story.  They loved the imagery of the dying manatee, and the contrast between it and my life, and the humor of how sarcastic I was able to remain despite being next to a rotting manatee.   My teacher however, didn’t.

 

She was like… well I feel like you shoved a happy ending down our throats… I didn’t like that.   Now, it should be noted here that my teacher is a self-proclaimed “high brow” writer (though unpublished…cough cough…)  She doesn’t like stories that create happy endings or morals and stuff…”thats too mid-brow” she’d say.  So things like The Help and stuff drive her crazy and she thinks thats all crap.

 

Anyways, so long story short, she just constantly put me down, and it really hurt.  However, now that the semester is over, I’m starting to look back with a more clear view of my writing.  I’m actually very proud of my story, and I everyone in the class, besides my teacher, praised it.

SO WHY AM I WRITING ABOUT THIS?

Well, I think we have a tendency of focusing on the negative, rather than the positive.   So why was I letting the voice of 1 mask the voices of 15?  Granted, she was the teacher, so maybe she “knows more”, but i mean she self-proclaimed to be someone who hates mid-brow, so can I even trust her opinion?  …Probably not.

 

So the point here, don’t let negative people put you down.  You’ll never win with 100% of the people you encounter in life.  Sometimes we just gotta let shitty people be shitty and get on with our lives.   It hurt a lot to have her bitch nonstop about my writing (I met with her in her office hours to discuss further, hoping to try to reach common ground….didnt go well, she literally didn’t even want to help).

ANYWAYS,  We all need to gain a heavy dose of self-belief.    I know how hard it is, trust me, I felt like shit after walking home from that workshop, and I felt even worse after walking back from her office hours.   But I can’t help but believe in my writing.  I loved writing this story, and I loved sharing this story.  And even her bitching and moaning can’t bring me down.

She was…hmmm… well, let’s just let the gif speak for itself…..

bitch

 

 

I’m actually starting to believe in myself, and that feels fucking amazing.  I hope everyone out there can feel a bit better about themselves.  And if someone out there is learning to feel better about yourself and/or believe in yourself, what are some tips or tricks?  Feel free to talk about it in the comments, I’d love to hear!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

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Republicans Are Making Me So Depressed

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So, as hopefully all of you know, the republicans tried to dismantle the Ethics Committee the other day in their latest attempt to let greed and power ruin everything…..  How? is all I can ask myself.

How has this country become filled with people who support these horrible people.    Here is a question I am constantly forced to ask myself?

What exactly do Republicans want? 

So, in a Republican’s perfect world they would remove the ethics committee so nobody could investigate into their actions.  Then they would get rid of Obamacare and Medicaid, taking insurance from millions of Americans.   Then they would make abortions completely illegal.    They would ban the minimum wage from ever rising. They would legalize guns for more and more of America,  And if the hardcore die-hards get their way they would build a wall between us and Mexico, deport everyone they can find, and force Muslims to register on a Hitler-style witch hunt for “terrorists”.

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WHAT WILL AMERICA LOOK LIKE AFTER THAT? 

Has anyone asked themselves that yet?

Are we trying to create some feudalistic society again?  Where half the population dies from ravishing diseases because the wealthy refuse to help them?  YES! IN MY OPINION ITS TIME FOR THE BLACK DEATH TO MAKE A COMEBACK!   Has anyone thought about how the rest of the world would look at us?   I can only imagine us destroying our relations with every other Western Nation in the world.

 

So alas, this constant shit-show that is America is making me so insanely depressed.    Just watching our government destroy our country, and half of America cheer them on… it blows my mind.

 

And no, republicans…. I’m sorry but this isn’t a perspective issue…. you’re all just fucking idiots.    All the facts in the world show it.  And apparently anything that doesn’t come from Fox News is biased Liberal media…..  Which I’m pretty sure in psychology, the ones who think EVERYONE ELSE is wrong and out to get them, are normally the ones suffering from delusion…. just pointing that one out.

 

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So now Im sure if there are any Republicans reading this they’re probably thinking Im a left-wing nut job…so I’ll drive my point home:

~Most livable cities in the world:  NOPE.  Not on that list

http://www.economist.com/blogs/graphicdetail/2016/08/daily-chart-14

~Happiest countries in the world:  NOPE.  Not on that list

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/top-10/2016-worlds-happiest-countries/

~Countries with the best work-life balance: Nope, Not there either…

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/02/which-countries-have-the-best-work-life-balance/

~ Healthiest countries in the world:  …By now you should all realize, we’re not going to be on ANY of these lists….

http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2015/04/03/24-7-wall-st-healthiest-countries/70859728/

~ Greenest countries in the world:   Obviously, we didn’t make the list

http://www.businessinsider.com/most-environmentally-friendly-countries-2016-3/#has-the-environment-improved-over-the-last-fifteen-years-6

~ Safest countries in the world:   LOL….NOT US! 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/maps-and-graphics/safest-countries-in-the-world/

 

Do you know what is so strange though?  All the Westernized, most liberal countries in the world are the ones who top the lists….. How strange, isn’t it?…. Almost as if liberal policies are the ones that work?

 

 

So republicans, please, you’re depressing me and ruining everything. Just go home and never leave your small-minded worlds ever again.

 

~ Sincerely, the Dark Horse

Having Depression In The ‘Real World’

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Grab your latte’s people! Put on those heels ladies!  Men, tighten that tie!   Its time for the morning commute.  You’re about to head into your business for that glorious 9 or 10 hour day of yours.   You know, that one you have to have five times in a row before you get two days just to catch from all the time you weren’t living for the previous five?

Yes thats right.  We live in a world of a bunch of ants marching.  Mindlessly.  Working day in and day out.  Building that massive ant hive for the queen (which in our our world is normally referred to as the “the man”).

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But why?  Why do so many people get stuck in these jobs they don’t even want?   These entry level jobs that were supposed to just give them experience… but somehow transitioned into the “career”.     The lifelong pursuit to avoid the office drama, suck up to the boss, achieve that bonus, get that promotion, and use the money to buy the house, the car, and then eventually, to pay for the kids they now have.

 

Now if anyone out there reading this has a great life that they love then I have to say I really admire you.   You are one of the lucky few and can disregard everything this post says.  For everyone else out there:

WWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY???????????

Why is this our lives?  And why is this the life that we teach our children to have?   Do you guys really want your kids to repeat your stories?   To not chase their dreams?

I know this is how the world works because this is how people have treated me.  Constantly telling me to be reasonable.  To think about how much money a job makes.  To think about settling down….

SETTLING DOWN????  IM 26 YEARS OLD!  

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And you know whats so crazy?  People who live in my hometown in Ohio are settled down already at 26.  And to me thats fucking crazy.  Like kids I went to high school with are now working their 9-5 at some bank, going home to make dinner for their kid, and then settling down to watch whatever Primetime show is on that night…..

WHAT THE FUCK.   When watching this week’s episode of The Bachelor becomes the highlight of my day I will take a bullet to the face.

But why am I talking about this?  Why is this such a big deal to me?

Well, because I have depression.  I have anxiety.  I never fit in socially with others.  I always had these big dreams.   Ive always wanted to live life.  Not be a passive little fucker.

And all I have had in my life has been a bunch of people who tell me no.

Settle Down

Grown Up

The World Doesn’t Work LikeThat 

This Is The Real World

BLAH BLAH BLAH….

But you know what, I have some news for you,

This annoying hipster fucker was right…..There is no such thing as the real world.

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Play this:

In his song No Such Thing, JohnBoy here actually tells it for how it is….  This “Real World” that I’m constantly told will eat me alive isn’t real.   There is no certain way that life works.  This “way” that all the normal people somehow have inside knowledge of.  Some world where we outcasts can’t comprehend.

The “real world” is a bunch of scared people who settled and now live a fractured life.  A life that only makes them sort-of happy.   They then try to achieve their happiness by doing things and buying things.   Buying new goods to make them feel richer, smarter, and prettier.   By trying to appease the pretty people they work with.  By going to bars and pissing the weekend away being drunk.    They are constantly stuck in the rat race of life.   But they run in a maze with no exit.

This isn’t a rat race they’re in.  It’s more of a Hunger Games.

There is no good outcome.

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And obviously when people are scared and holding themselves back what do they do?  They try to make sure nobody else lives the life they don’t have.   They love going on and on about the dangers of taking the road less taken.  They love telling you how scary and hard your life may be.   How you may even end up unaccomplished and in poverty.  How you may never make good money.

But take a step back and really look at the Western World.   How many people do you know who smoke?  Or are overweight?  Maybe even have diabetes?  Is there seriously anyone reading this who hasn’t lost a family member to cancer or heart disease?

They sit there and tell people not to branch out because its wrong, but if you look at them you can see they’re slowly dying themselves.

 

Well you know what, tomorrow is my last day at work. I am terrified but also excited.  Im about to branch out in life.  Im about to go and try to live.  Not die.

Think of all the scientists out there.  The authors and actors.  The designers.   The people who are working with Doctors Without Borders in Africa saving people’s live every single day.

If all of them listened to the commoner who told them not to branch out…. WHERE THE FUCK WOULD THE WORLD BE?

There are people out there who are living happy, exciting, and enriching lives.

AND DAMMIT PEOPLE I WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM!

And to anyone who wants to put me down?  Well….

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Without dreamers this world would suck!  So keep on dreamin’!

 

~ The Dark Horse

…..This post was not proof read.  It was written aggressively and passionately.  And aggression and passion and terrible at proofreading  DUH!

UGH I CANT HANDLE THIS! ,Or, Getting Through The Tough Times

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Im sure you all know what Im talking about.  That crazy, stressed, bored, depressed, anxious, angry feeling you get when you are doing something you just don’t want to do.

That moment (but most likely longer than a moment) you just want to end.

Right now I’m feeling that.   I have 6 days left at work.  6 FUCKING DAYS, IT SEEMS SO SIMPLE RIGHT?????

But when you have gone almost a year being your horrible bosses bitch to try to get that promotion and stay on the good graces and keep your job in a time when lets face it, so many Americans don’t make good money…. WELL THAT 6 DAYS SEEMS LIKE A DEATH SENTENCE. 

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I kind of am just praying for a tornado to strike.  A bomb threat to be called in.  ANYTHING really to make me not have to go in these last 6 days.

Why do I feel like this?

Because I have found myself again….well I’ve been getting closer.  Ive finally started seeing the bigger picture of life again.  Ive been seeing what it is I want to see and the person who I want to be.

And believe me people, working as management in retail selling horribly cheap clothing that falls apart and was constructed through slave labor in Bangladesh isn’t me.  It never was, it isn’t, and it never will be.

and seriously….. fuck them.

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So what do we do?

How do we get through these moments where we just want to go complete Charles Manson on the world?

Well heres what I’m doing.

1.) Focusing on the future. I just keep reminding myself that I have 6 days left.  After that I have some time with the family and then I’m moving to New Zealand…. my boss will still be a 40yr old woman selling cheap clothing to tweens…who is the real winner?  ….me.

2.) Focusing on what i will do differently next time.  For me, it is to not work in retail anymore….well actually it is to not work a shit job in general.  Im 25 now with a college degree.  Im going to start going after what I want.  I don’t care how low my self esteem is and how much I think I will fail.  Im going to actually try at life.

3.) Imaging bad things happening to the store.   Oh sure this is horribly immature but trust me, some good cathartic release always helps.  Hate where you are?  Well take some time to sit back, relax, take a deep breath, and try to imagine an earthquake coming though and destroying the place. Or maybe its a comet?  Or the poltergeists of the spirits of the ancient turtle people who live underground because your store MAY HAVE BEEN built on the site of a Native American battle?????  I MEAN IT COULD HAPPEN RIGHT????? 

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In any event, lets get through this together ok?

I can do it, you can do it, and we can help each other.

also, sorry for the cheesy clip art of “stressed people”.  I found them amusing

~ The Dark Horse

Being Tired And Anxiety (Or, My Trip To Canada And Beyond…..There Wasn’t Really A Beyond, It Just Sounded Nice)

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So, for the last 2 days I took a trip to London, Ontario.   It is a really cool small city filled with amazing food, cute river bends, and quaint historical neighborhoods.

The topic at hand is what being tired does to you when you have anxiety and I will be using my trip as an example considering that for about a 48 hour period I got maybe 6 hours of sleep total.

The night before the trip I slept like 4 hours maybe because of how excited I was.  I then got up at 730am to meet for breakfast before the drive to Canada.   The day was amazing.   The drive was long but smooth, hardly any traffic, the hotel was nice, great food, a festival was going on, and everything was just great!

The night however, was awful.   My friend I was with has….um….sleeping problems which I was not aware of until that night.  She has no problems sleeping, however, she moans and makes crying noises all through the night.  People, I am not kidding.  I wasn’t able to sleep at all.  Constant sounds filled the room like she was having a nightmare. A constant nightmare. From midnight until 8am when I hit her with a pillow and told her to get the fuck up.

The day still was…..um..ok.   Still filled with great people and great food and a great city.  However, my friend was now driving me insane.   I was tired and I was no longer to pretend I wasn’t annoyed and tired, and so every time she made a comment I didn’t like I kind of maybe snapped just a little bit.  But for the most part, all good.

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The drive home however is when everything got bad.   I was very tired.  i was very annoyed.  And most importantly I didn’t want to be anywhere near her.   However, I had a 5 hour drive to be stuck with her.   Thoughts of how agonizing those 5 hours would be filled my head.  Dread consumed me and I began to fall into a panicked and depressed state.   About 20 minutes into the drive home I was off the wall.  Hardcore balls to the wall white-knuckling it.

I finally snapped and pulled over and was like, “You’re driving, I can’t”.   Confused she traded me places.  I put on some soft music and looked out the window for about 4 hours until we were back in America and only had an hour left in the drive.  I told her I was going to drive again and rushed towards home.

I dropped her off back at her home and felt like a weight had been lifted.  I was free to be myself.   Free to be calm.  Free to not have her there.

Free to go about my life.

So here are some tips I learned so you don’t have to hit the wall

1.)  SLEEP IS SO SO SO IMPORTANT WITH ANXIETY AND PANIC AND DEPRESSION. They fuck with your hormones, blood sugar levels, consume energy, and leave you feeling like you’re going to die.   NEVER EVER MISS OUT ON A GOOD NIGHTS REST… but if you do…..

2.) drink lots of fluids.   It really helps.  Why?  Oh I don’t know, I’m no scientist.   Im sure it has something to do with it helping the flow of electrolytes or keeps your body all hydrated and flowing properly or something.  Just do it.  it works

3.)  Rest if you need to.   Try to sit and get a drink or a snack before you fall into the panic attack.   Stop it before it happens

4.) Remove your stressors.  For example, I will never ever travel with that girl ever again.   I know now that was a mistake and I won’t repeat it.

But at the end of the day, and most importantly, I lived.  I didn’t die from my anxiety or panic or dread of being with her.  Life goes on, the dun will rise again, and so will you

~The Dark Horse

PS- this wasn’t proof-read.  It was written out a deep need to vent and rant and be a crazy person…. oh hey there is anotehr thing to help!

5.)  VENT AND RANT IF NEED BE!